journal of wood

[Jason]

God knows what she needs me for? Well, I know.

We're looking no further than your name, correct?

[Family father]

A few months ago I made a list of desired qualities/traits and she hits 17 out of 19 or something like that.

No matter what moment in my life I had made a list like that, 10 years later it would have probed not only wrong, but absolutely missing direction..

(Maybe looking back in your life tells you something in the line?) (or maybe I'm just colorblind when it comes to that)

I'd say relations don't only depend on how you are at the moment you know each other, but also on the directions everyone evolves.. and how the other feels about it...

And conscious effort to love and make yourself lovable..

Anyway, I would suggest: enjoy the trip, and keep your finances separated until a very significant period of time has gone through..

[EdithKeeler]

I can see one challenge present itself in the medium term future. She believes in pooling resources together. She makes a lot of money, but upkeep is high with 3 kids, big apartment, car and lifestyle inflation. Income- and cost sharing is likely to add another 10 years until FI. I want to keep finances separate and stick to my FI-in-5-years-plan. We've only touched these topics lightly, it's just been 6 weeks. But this is looking promising and I know it will come up so I look for clues. I'm completely on board wanting to invest time and energy on helping out with the kids. The financial aspect is where we might clash. She seems willing to do things on my premises though.

Congrats on finding a companionable person. I’d say enjoy it, but don’t make any commitments about pooling resources, etc. for a while. Six weeks is not that long, and not to be too cold, there’s a lot of research on the science of love. Right now in the early stages of the relationship, your brain is swimming in dopamine and sexual arousal actually turns off much of the critical thinking parts of our brain. So—enjoy it all! But I suggest waiting a bit before making any big decisions.

That said, I know a couple that got engaged just knowing each other 5 weeks (though the engagement lasted over a year), and they celebrated their 30 year anniversary a few months ago. Anything could happen and I hope the best happens for you. But if it doesn’t, it can be hard to extricate yourself if stuff is comingled.

[FBeyer]

It's scientifically proven too: Love is something you fall out of after about two years, UNLESS you both actively work to keep it up, in which case it tends to last for as long as you both work together. In other words: you can plan for bliss.

Grat's Wood, you're experiencing serendipity in the form of binomial probabilities. The more nice people you hang around with, the faster you'll find someone you really click with.

Have fun.

[Jason]

I hope it works out. But if it doesn't, I would be curious how breaking up with four people at the same time plays out.

[wood]

2017
feb 30%
mar 19%
apr 62%
may -59%
june 57%
july 48%
aug 58%
sept 53%
oct 62%
nov 27%
dec 61%
AVG 38%

2018
jan 32%
feb 28%
mar 27%

Thanks for the advice and well wishes everyone.

What strikes me this time around is that I'm actually able to think with the rational part of my brain in the middle of all this. Which is why different questions are popping up in my head at this early stage, e.g. what are the financial implications of living together, would I be okay sharing the cost of having a car despite not really needing one personally, will the minimalist in me get annoyed by all her stuff, how does she handle disagreements and negative emotions etc. I want to think things through before opening my mouth and giving my opinion. It's like I'm taking the sceptical stance instead of diving in. Opposite of what I did in the past.

I've been holding back with her and avoided making any commitments. She hasn't met my family or friends yet, but in 2 weeks I will have met most of her friends, kids, siblings, parents and ex. Initially I was attracted to her and curious about family life. Now I found out I'm loving it! So the next step will for sure be to discuss the important stuff. She is hinting at it and I'm okay talking about it. But I need to figure out where my boundaries are, how much I'm willing to compromise and which other questions to ask myself.

[7Wannabe5]

She hasn't met my family or friends yet, but in 2 weeks I will have met most of her friends, kids, siblings, parents and ex.

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!!!

I hate to be a negator, but I have been on both sides of this equation in different phases of my life. She is giving you the rush and encircling you with the whole of her social life before the two of you had much of any time at all to explore or develop your relationship as a couple. I will offer by way of compare and contrast the fact that even though my kids were in their late teens at the time of my divorce, I never would have introduced them to a man I was dating so quickly.

I have seen this happen before to some mid-life divorced men in my acquaintance, and my prediction would be that you will marry this woman, and then you will have to buy a boat in order to have something resembling your own life any more.

Remember when you are doing the calculations, it's not how much the other person is able or willing to chip in towards a lifestyle, it is how much they are willing or able to chip in towards the lifestyle you want, inclusive of style of management and decision making. My suggestion would be that you test my theory by making bold request of her to drop her to-do list and go off with you to a realm where you hold sway for some not insignificant period of time and see how that flies.

[wood]

You might be right and she might be in a rush, but I wouldn't say she is pushing me. I don't feel rushed, it all feels quite comfortable and I manage these kind of situations (introductions) well. It's not being done unless I'm completely ok with it, and I have communicated to her that it feels abit premature for me to introduce her to my friends and family, which is why I'm holding back on that for a little while. She's perfectly fine with it. She's crazy in love, I can tell. So in a nutshell, she is throwing a lot of love, trust and freedom in my direction and making me feel ok about it simultaneously.

On the other hand, objectively speaking, she is taking a lot of risk. And I guess that's part of my point. The risk is on her side at this point, not mine, unless I start making commitments. Introducing her kids to some younger man she just met can backfire, especially if it happens over and over with several men. She divorced 4 years ago and I'm the first man who's met her kids after that (unless everyone lied and passed on my hidden shit tests so far). But I'd feel terrible about having to break up with the kids though, if it doesn't work out. Then again, I have to meet the kids to even know if that part is likely to work.

I get what you're saying though and I thank you for the advice. I keep reconsidering our relationship and asking myself if things are happening on my premises or not. So far the answer is yes and I've never been this optimistic, but then again it is still so early.

My suggestion would be that you test my theory by making bold request of her to drop her to-do list and go off with you to a realm where you hold sway for some not insignificant period of time and see how that flies.

Already did and will definitely do more of it. Good suggestion.

[7Wannabe5]

Okay, sounds like you are pretty firmly grounded. I was having a bit of a flashback to the occasion, when upon very short acquaintance with him (maybe a week?), my "ex"s two charming daughters asked me to paint with them one evening, while their doting Daddy beamed approval upon the 3 of us from his giant leather armchair throne. Never mind. Carry on : )

[wood]

2017 38%

2018
jan 32%
feb 28%
mar 27%
apr 1%

Low savings rate in April single handedly as a result of Holiday Budget 2018 being booked/spent this month.

I am entering blended-family-life with my girlfriend, her 3 kids and dog and it is proving to be a major transition for me. We're not even planning to cohabitate, but after every 2-3 days in her home with the kids around, I get exhausted and need a break. After 1-2 days off I dive back into it. The kids require constant attention (expected), they have so much energy (expected) and I don't get much attention at all from GF (expected). This feels a little frustrating for me (unexpected) and she is starting to have trouble being in the middle and balancing it all out.

I think this is normal, but I'm not particularly fond of the negative sides I'm experiencing. I thought I would handle the situation better, but honestly speaking I have been feeling emotionally and physically exhausted this past month. I've been feeling tired, skipping some workouts and 90% sure I have a flu waiting in line for me. The kids are there every other week. I've been pouring myself out on this, joining for soccer tournaments, school disco, birthdays, weekend hikes, playing inside and outside, helping out on the breakfast-dinner-bedtime routines etc. This is normal life for an experienced parent but it's all new to me. The kids and I get along well, I'm growing very fond of them. Add being in love to the mix, meeting the parents, the ex, friends, school and soccer moms and what I get is a life turned upside down with some wonderful ups and unexpected downs.

My immediate solution right now is to back off a little bit. Despite her welcoming me there during kids-week I need to find a better balance and spend more nights at my own place. This is new to us. We both need to get our shit together for it to work long term and I need to figure out if this is really what I want, because it's not what I expected. In particular, I did not expect to feel frustration because of lack of attention.

[Viktor K]

Times like this, I always feel grateful that at least my finances are under wraps. Not that we're FI yet, but we're not dealing with things while also hoping that we have enough for rent and the minimum payment on our credit cards. And by times like this, I mean, as I've yet to have to go through any of the parenthood hoops, times of extra stress.

At least, I hope you either a) find a way to balance it all and adapt if its what you want or b) find a way to bow out without too much blow-back if its something that you don't want. Hoping the best for you, bud.

[Jason]

In particular, I did not expect to feel frustration because of lack of attention.

I would never presume that you don't have real feelings for this woman or this family, but I have to think you also have feelings for a preconceived idea of your own creation i.e. the scenario - you are essentially a man named Brady without having three boys of his own. And the idea of something never lives up to its corresponding reality, if it happens to have one. And this is as archetypal as it comes.

[wood]

@Viktor K: Thank you. My thoughts are the same; and if I do choose to bow out now is the time. The fact I'm even considering it at this early stage makes me extra aware of all those minor issues. What's 100% sure is that I won't be resource pooling.

In particular, I did not expect to feel frustration because of lack of attention.

I would never presume that you don't have real feelings for this woman or this family, but I have to think you also have feelings for a preconceived idea of your own creation i.e. the scenario - you are essentially a man named Brady without having three boys of his own. And the idea of something never lives up to its corresponding reality, if it happens to have one. And this is as archetypal as it comes.

Very well put. Reality is way more complicated.

[Peanut]

May I suggest that your reaction to lack of attention from the gf is indeed normal, even predictable, and also unlikely to go away completely. I recall listening to J Peterson on this exact subject. He pointed out that kids are mostly "in the way" of the beloved in these scenarios. It's not about being a better person about it--I would say you've already proven yourself to be better than most by welcoming someone with kids--it's just love, evolution, and biology. Even within marriages in intact families, its common for parents (often husbands) to resent the new baby for a time. In blended situations things are much more complicated.

7w5 has great advice from the trenches. On the financial issue may I add that to my knowledge alimony often ends with remarriage.

On a personal note bc something parallel happened in my wider family, I have to say any divorced parent who has a new (less than 6 mos) partner spend significant time with their young kids is just a big red flag to me. It's often a negotiated part of divorce settlements even.

[wood]

Where to start.

More than anything, this journal has served as an emotional outlet for me. Considering everything that happened in the month of May 2018 I'm planning to see a psychologist, but for today I just need to sort my thoughts a little bit.

2017
38%

2018
jan 32%
feb 28%
mar 27%
apr 1%
may -14%

I will never forget this month. A few days after my last entry here I got a phone call from my stepmother. She told me to please come to the hospital because my father is very ill. I was with my GF at the time and we rushed home to book plane tickets, packed a bag and jumped on the first airplane possible. Later that night we arrived at the hospital and I got to see dad. He was barely breathing and could hardly notice I was there. He wasn't able to speak or move. The nurse told me he was going to die soon. I spent the whole night at his bedside. He died the next morning on May 9th, 59 years old.

I knew nothing. Apparently he got diagnosed with lung cancer in March but kept it a secret to everyone but my stepmother. A few days prior to his death he was hospitalized because of issues with his throat. I talked to him on the phone 2 days before he died and he assured me it was just a minor thing and he would be ok in a couple of days. I didn't think much of it until my stepmother told me to come. His condition had worsened much quicker than expected. Looking through his personal notes I found out he was planning to tell me about his disease.

My stepmother, his wife of 18 years, is devestated. He had been her rock and support for all those years. She doesn't know how to pay bills or deal with insurance companies and bureaucracy. I've been helping her through this every day since dad died. The funeral was last week on the 30th.

In the middle of all this we had an accident at home. On May 16th I was chilling with one of the kids just when I heard a loud scream coming from the kitchen. I thought the 5-year old was having a rage fit. 10 seconds later my GF yells "Help!" and I rush out to find the two of them in the bathroom showering in cold water. Turns out she had accidentally dropped a full kettle of boiling pasta water on her daughter, burning the whole side of her body. Pretty much half of her body got burned, but luckily not the face, throat or genitalia. I called the ambulance and got us to the hospital, while she arranged for her sister to pick up the other 2 boys.

The damage is serious but not fatal. She might be left with a minor scar or two. She is getting treated by experts in a specialized hospital in a different city and just had a surgery today, 5 minor skin transplantations. I've been staying in a hotel near the hospital before and after the funeral. The father (GF's ex) has been absent, but visited for one day. So my GF has been caring for her daughter pretty much 24/7 for 3 weeks now and I've been trying to be there as much as possible. Dealing with a child in such pain is exhausting and her mom is doing a great job.

The negatives are obviously many. I'm dealing with all kinds of emotions from 2 dramatic events. I'm confused and wondering if I've handled everything like I should. All I know is that my heart is behind every small decision I've made this month. I feel anger, frustration, guilt, relief, sadness, joy, loneliness, regret, love, hate, to name a few. I've lost apetite and a few kg's, but focusing on eating regularly, getting some exercise when possible and getting some fresh air everyday. It's difficult to support my GF through this, but I'm putting myself aside because I'm able to. And if I don't I will regret it. Ideally these things wouldn't happen simultaneously and we would both be in position to support the other when necessary, but that's not how life works.

I'm trying to focus on the positive moments. I'm getting a stronger bond with my GF. We're both quite strong and capable. Her daughter has started calling me stepdad and wanting me to hug her. For the first time in my life I'm getting close with my stepmom and my uncle (dad's brother). I'm getting to know dad in a completely different way (other people talking to me about him). My mom and a few friends have been great support. The summer weather has been impressive so far. Barring expenses related to the above, my savings rate is 69%. So it's not all bad. But I will see that psychologist just to be assured this is not a dream and I'm not losing sanity.

[wood]

I wish to add that I appreciate all the support I received in this journal. Publishing that monthly entry is one of those routines I need to continue to get life back to normal. Any questions are very welcome. I don't mind elaborating. I'm going through a difficult time but it helps writing about it. Also, I will use these notes in preparation for the psychologist.

[2Birds1Stone]

Yikes, it saddens me to hear about your fathers passing, especially on my birthday =/

It does sound like your life with the GF and kids is forcing you to grow as a person and familial member. Life can get crazy, you are taking it in stride. Get some help, but don't forget who you are and where you came from.

[slowtraveler]

Seriously sad to hear about your dad. I couldn't imagine that, mine's barely passing 60 and I still miss him living across the world.

It sounds like you gf daughter will be okay with some healing time. It's still a lot to process at once and traumatic to have happened.

I hear you becoming stronger in all this, being a damn solid, unshakable rock amidst these tidal waves that keep coming at you. Experiencing the full spectrum of emotions that entail being human and still showing up with your head on straight to move forward, to support and bond with your family through all this.

A good psychologist can help with processing everything and you can stop as soon as it stops becoming helpful. I've seen it help and also not help many people so it really depends on the psychologist and your own experience of them.

[wolf]

I am sorry for your father. That is a tragical event. Such an unexpected loss for you must be very emotional. And then the accident with your GF's daughter. Oh man, what a months for you. Please take care of yourself and your loved ones!

[Jason]

Damn Wood, this is so sad that I can't find it in my heart to break your balls. 59 is too young for both of you. My condolences.

I lost my father two years ago. I wish I could say it gets easier but it doesn't.

My mother once accidentally dumped a pan of hot water on me when I was a young boy. Or at least she claims it was an accident. My father grabbed me, took off my shirt, put me on the back of his bicycle and drove me around the neighborhood to cool me off.

I am sure you have similar memories of your father to completely lose your shit over.