Five Years, Lord Willing

Where are you and where are you going?
Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Mon Aug 28, 2017 4:20 pm

Absolutely:

(1) I don't believe in self-forgiveness but I could look back and say "Ok I was 18 and spoiled and immature. But there is still a tremendous amount of shame. I mean I spent my whole sophomore year trying to bang every girl on campus named "Lisa." I could have done an independent study instead of that shit. That being said, I definitely had the stupid college experience. And as an FYI, I only got to three Lisas but one a super fuckin hot nursing student. I had no clue what to do with her and I came quicker than it takes to make minute rice. She just picked up a nursing book and started highlighting. Damn that was a lonely bus ride home.

(2) Being around people just out of undergrad, I realized how remedial Undergrad actually is. I also speak to current undergrads and realize how atomized it can be.

(3) I realized that education can help but not solve.

(4) Ironically, I subscribe to the Witherspoon Institute and this article came in:

http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2017/ ... a-84193757

Maturity calls for a reassessment of education and I got mine. I couldn't finish because of distance and time but I worked it out of my system. Also, there is a "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach a man how to fish, he eats for a lifetime." That is really the purpose of education. To provide tools to continue throughout your life i.e discipline, focus, et. al and to develop a vision as to why you are doing it.

Thank you for asking Felipe. I enjoyed getting this out.

wood
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by wood » Wed Aug 30, 2017 5:58 am

Tell us about the other Lisa's

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:20 am

Lisa #1: Rich, tony chick from Connecticut that me and my friend Pat fought over. I won that one. As cute as a girl can be without being considered beautiful, dressed in that boho-chic style that I soon realized was partly to cover an ass that belonged on a long haul trucker. She dumped me for Freddy, who by all objective standards and general public opinion, was a vertically upward move as he was better looking and could actually get away with carrying his books in a leather satchel. If I had to guess she is a videographer and one of those fat women with a really wide but flat ass so it appears that someone kicked her ass into her stomach and that other women feel superior to when they compliment her by saying "but she has such a pretty face."

Lisa #2: Punkish rocker chick that I feel really bad about because she had a very public relationship with her punker rocker boyfriend named LJ who loved the shit out of her and had a meltdown when I was dry humping her in her dorm room. That was really callous as I didn't stop even with all the hysterical screaming going on outside. She introduced me to Siouxie and The Banshees cover of "Dear Prudence" for which I am eternally grateful for. I'm guessing she managed an independent record store out of college but then married, had a couple of kids and has been swallowed into suburban oblivion like most of us.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:24 am

Good News: Not sure. The sun is up. I'm alive. My wife is still here. I'm not in a situation that would be of interest to law enforcement. My psychiatrist once suggested I make a list of my top qualities. When I couldn't think of any he said "well, your clothes match."

Bad News: I bought books. They were unavailable in the library because they are new and related to a specific topic and of course I had to have them. Now. Every time the UPS guy comes with my book he looks at me like I need a shot of Narcan. I have 20 books I'm working on right now. I need help. Help.

Other News: I go through periods of crippling fear and wretched anxiety. I'm in one now. The nicest guy in my high school class died two years ago on his birthday. He was a psychiatrist. Once you get to a certain age you realize that all the experts were just the people you went to high school with and you realize why the world is such a mess.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by 2Birds1Stone » Fri Sep 01, 2017 8:17 am

6 pages of your journal got me through an especially slow morning at work.

Hat's off to your progress since the beginning of the year. Keep the posts coming :)

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Sun Sep 03, 2017 2:26 pm

Small Victory Report

I just found out that a condo similar to mine is renting out at a number that would actually allow for a profit, albeit small one, if I did same. That means my cost of living expenses are finally hedged against inflation. After years of being on the wrong end of that, it feels nice. Now if only the value went up to the price we paid for it.

Our net worth is stagnating around 435K. For many months my weekly Mint Money reports were like a hot drunk girl coming over every weekend and blowing me. Now its like the same girl coming and passing out on the couch. Some weeks, she actually raids the fridge and then passes out on the couch. I 'm not sure if that analogy works but try to work with it. I don't really have any analogies that don't use blow jobs. Its not like I'm fucking Keats who was closer to nature and had the benefit of opium.

Walter Becker of Steely Dan died. We lived next door to the their manager's sister. I know who gives a shit. Its just that you reach an age where every death is like removing a cinder block in the foundation of your youth. I didn't know him. And Donald Fagen pretty much admitted to being a Pedo (Hey 19) but whatever. He's dead. Like most people come to think of it. Right? More people have died then are currently living? Who knows. It has occurred to me that if I had lived in the middle ages I would have never seen this age. I might not even have reached the age where I could have received a blow job let alone use it as an analogy at the village Inn with all the other drunken and decaying syphilitics which if I have lived I would have surely been because what else could you turn out to be back then. Actually, I'm surprised I'm not that now come to think of it. I'm assuming everything was rushed back then because everyone knows they're going to die soon and if they don't they think Jesus is returning after lunch. Damn. The sun is out, I shouldn't be thinking of syphillis and death.

halfmoon
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by halfmoon » Sun Sep 03, 2017 8:45 pm

Jason wrote:
Fri Sep 01, 2017 6:24 am
Its just that you reach an age where every death is like removing a cinder block in the foundation of your youth.
Not to be dark (Ha! I couldn't begin to compete with you on that), but every minute of adult life is literally removing a cinder block in the foundation of your youth. It's a natural, relentless process of attrition. There's emotional growth to compensate, but overall it's a massive long-term capital loss balanced by .005% interest on your savings account.

Wow...I sound like you, Jason -- minus the blowjob references. Here be dragons. Back to counting my blessings.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Mon Sep 04, 2017 7:40 am

Emotional growth? Is that what I've been supposed to be doing? I have no clue about life, I really don't. As our great leader would say "Sad."

I just read and hear about people dying, some who have accomplished a lot, some who have done jack shit and the world moves on.

That brings me to story time: Marianne Faithful was one of the most beautiful women on the planet in the mid-60's. Every rock star in England was fighting over her. She's the inspiration of more classic rock songs than any chick in history. It's like her vagina was a juke box, except instead of a quarter, you stick a penis in it and a great song would come out. So I worked in the industry and I knew someone who was her personal assistant and she said I could go with her over to her apartment. I could barely keep myself together. We walk in and there's this middle aged, self absorbed woman with smoker's voice handing out crumpled up bills so we could do her grocery shopping. I remember thinking I wouldn't fuck her with Brian Jones' dead dick.

First your dreams and then you.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Mon Sep 04, 2017 11:36 am

She probably had bi-polar disease, but she wasn't "lit" when you met her. Only one of my sisters is conventionally beautiful, but between the 4 of us, we are less than 2 degrees of bandmate/sexual-romantic-partner separation from large swath of the musical industry. Arcade Fire, MC5, White Stripes, Peaches and Herb, Parliament, The Fucking Champs...

Oddly, both you and Jacob somehow strike me as variations on possible brothers we never had. Small planet in some ways.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Mon Sep 04, 2017 12:10 pm

Yes, she was bi-polar and I would never denigrate the affects that has on someone. My point is that the idea of sticking a candy bar up her holy of holies was not even remotely under consideration.

I never had a sister. Although there is a rumor my mother did give birth to a girl but promptly ate her. But the idea of having four of them that were the pit stop for every decent band that passed through town would have been been cool. And I do wish JLF was there to stop me from buying all those now worthless baseball cards.

But I have to ask. Peaches and Herb. Was that you? I'm assuming you are a white chick so was that jungle fever, lady love, or both? I got to imagine Herb was packing some serious heat.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:27 pm

Peaches and Herb was me, but with band-mate degree of separation. I dated a bass player who jumped around and did a good deal of studio work back in the 70s/80s. He was of African and Native American heritage. Cool guy, and a bit of a sweetheart too, but he thought he could win at craps.

Yeah, our mother might have eaten a brother too. She's much older and well-medicated now, so contents herself with eating cake while watching endless war sagas on Netflix. I have zero doubt that one of my Slavic ancestresses suffered conquest during reign of Genghis Khan.

Back to the stacks...just remember, so long as you are engaged in cognition with your environment, you are likely still alive.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Mon Sep 04, 2017 3:46 pm

Interesting. I googled "African American, Native Indian, degenerate gambling bassist who played with Peaches & Herb" but all that came back was a picture of a guy dressed like sitting bull. I'm guessing that's not him.

My only rock n' roll encounter was that I kissed Patty Donahue, the lead singer of The Waitresses on a street corner after she drank me under the table at an open mic night where her constant heckling almost got me beat up by a gang of below average comics. I believe there was tongue. She died shortly thereafter.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:39 pm

I was thinking about things I enjoy. Reading. Writing. Watching videos of fat girls falling off of hover boards. I'm a simple sort.

One thing I realized I love doing: public screaming matches. I view them as sport. If there was US Olympic team for public screaming matches, I would try out and if I got cut, I would work out and try it again. I wish they were more common and acceptable. I was hit by a car and started berating the lady who hit me and the cop who came said I could be arrested for being a public nuisance. I said "Do you want me to apologize. He said Ok. I went to the lady and said I apologize for yelling at you. Now apologize for hitting my car and we're even." I don't go looking for fights because most people can kick the shit out of me, but I don't avoid them. A guy once cut in front of me in a Sports Authority. So I went to the other counter and heckled him during his entire transaction. He wouldn't take the bait so I suggested he ask where the testicle weights were located in order to make his fuckin balls bigger. I got the store manager for that one. I once got into a three mile Fast and Furious fight with a bus driver with my window open and his bus door open as we hurled insults at each other at three in the morning driving down the highway. He literally tried to kill me with his fuckin bus. That was great. It was one of those accordion bus and it was all over the fucking place as I was screaming at him that his bus ass was so big he was taller sitting down than standing up. He screamed at me that my mother loved licking it. LOL Fucking funny big ass bus driver.

My point is, as I get older, I can obtain that old man amnesty where people won't kick my ass and I can go around yelling at people. It makes me tingle thinking about my golden years.

I didn't buy a book this week.

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Frugalchicos
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Frugalchicos » Fri Sep 08, 2017 8:40 pm

My neighbor parked all day and night in my spot so I threw eggs all over his car and winshield. I also left a note informing him that next time his car would be towed.

He was lucky I didn't wake up at 4am to smash all his windows as I planned. Perhaps this viking beard I'm growing is making me think I'm a bad ass...

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:20 am

I do my best to profile who I antagonize which pretty much limits me to old ladies, the morbidly obese, the handicapped or combination thereof.

Let's say I get to be elderly. I'm thinking its 50/50 at this point. The wife is in heaven, I'm all alone, the stereotypical raging old guy that nobody talks to. I have no heirs and some excess cash. I get myself a chauffeur and the ERE equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith because I figure this sexual degeneracy issue I have is still going to be there. We drive around America stopping at super markets where I get into a motorized scooter and terrorize the place. "Get the fuck out of my way Muhammed." "Lady, with that ass you should be pulling a plow." "Hey, douchebag the express lane is 12 items, I'm counting 13, get the fuck out of here."

I don't play golf, I will have no family. And I enjoy it. Maybe get some recognition from a local newscast where a semi-hot news chick sticks a microphone in my face and I turn around and blast her with an old man fart.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Thu Sep 14, 2017 2:51 pm

I'm making big changes. Yes, they are only in my mind, but they are happening right now, as I write this. No shit. Thoughts previously entertained, indulged, wined and dined, brought to the VIP room and given stealth hand jobs during lap dances will now be rejected on the spot. New thoughts will be interviewed, their resumes reviewed for possible full time employment. This is an overhaul of my brain. I am firing everyone. Fuck them. They have not done a good job. As a matter of fact, they have been fucking counterproductive. They are lazy and fight with one another. They tell me to do stupid things. They do not have my best interest in mind. They are parasitic bastards. They are bad angels. And they can go back to fuckin hell. I am in charge and my brain is my house and I am cleaning this shit out. Calling the junk guys in and carting this outdated, anachronistic bullshit the fuck out.

And IROBOT. I won't say what they can vacuum.

And my doctor is going to jail.

World - not good. As a matter of fact, very fuckin bad.

slowtraveler
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by slowtraveler » Thu Sep 14, 2017 3:22 pm

That's the kind of energy you'll benefit from to change those deeply ingrained habits. It's like changing the course of the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon.

I hope things get better for you man.

Did you binge shop at the book store again?

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Thu Sep 14, 2017 4:05 pm

Felipe my friend.

No. Well, a little. Not a binge. Maybe a couple of bumps.

I'm talking crippling, existential Sartresque doubt and anxiety. That "being" dread that enervates and prohibits action. Why don't I do things I want to do and do things I don't want to? Because of the "why." My motivations suck.

Yes, my river needs to be rerouted. Great analogy. I need a sea change.

slowtraveler
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by slowtraveler » Thu Sep 14, 2017 4:58 pm

Ouch. I've been there too.

I get that part of you wants to change some other part of you and sees this part as not having value. While it's possible, it seems to me you're comparing the costs of 1 action/habit to the benefits of another.

Are you overlooking the benefits of these behaviors you want to give up (comfort, relief of anxiety, control, power, easy, etc.) and the costs of what you want to take on (discomfort, face anxiety/fears/stress, must learn new ways to cope, etc.)?

I think it's healthy to want to develop and become more directed but it's possible your stress over feeling you need to do it now will inhibit you eventually letting go of old habits and cultivating new ones.

I used to think I absolutely needed to quit pot. I can't tell you how much dread I experienced before a long period of sobriety showed me pot didn't cause any problems except a little more clutter.

Jason
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Re: Five Years, Lord Willing

Post by Jason » Thu Sep 14, 2017 5:37 pm

I'm not certain of how this will manifest in behavior or action. I just need to get my thoughts under control.

Oh, man, pot. The last time I spoked pot I walked around Manhattan high beyond comprehension, went to a brothel and met (chose) this beautiful Italian chick named Gina who bore an uncanny resemblance to the actress in "Rain Man." Then the cops barged in the room. That really, really, sucked. I really can't explain how much that really, really fucking sucked. They told me if I cried or ran they would bring me to the station. They said "Do you think your mother would be proud?" I wanted to say "You ever think that maybe my psychotic mother is the reason I'm currently stoned out of my fucking mind, in a room with you two badge wearing assholes and a hot girl cowering in the corner with her hand covering her vagina." But I just said "I am ashamed" and they said go home and don't go back. I never smoked pot or saw Gina again.

In retrospect, I really fucking wasted my life.

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