Ella's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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Chris
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Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Chris »

ellarose24 wrote:
Thu Jun 06, 2019 7:31 am
Do you go bare bones on insurance coverage?
You know your situation the best, and you should do whatever makes you feel safe. I was just commenting because it's more than 2x what mine is.

One of the benefits of having savings is that you can use it to reduce your insurance expense though a higher deductible. In my view, low deductibles are for people who do not have cash savings. If you have a few thousand in savings, you can afford to bump up your deductible higher than $500. The insurance company knows the statistical likelihood of you making a claim, and they price their product accordingly. So by having a higher deductible, you take on some extra risk in exchange for a lower rate. In the event of damage, you'll pay out of cash savings instead of filing a claim... which is another benefit, since making claims also increases your rates.

All that said, I do keep higher-than minimum insurance for medical and property damage. I may not have much attachment to my car, but I am worried about liability of damaging other people or property.

ellarose24
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Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I did not realize this, but apparently when buying a house, if you offer above the appraisal you have to make up the difference in cash. The house was listed at 190, we offered 205. There was a chance we were going to have to pay an additional $15k. But we got the appraisal back today--$205K!!!!!!!! I was calculating my savings based on have to put in the full 15k, but it looks like I will still have 5k (giving so 5K to help) of emergency savings. I want to get that up to 10K and then focus on other things.

I haven't eaten out all week. Not even a Dr. Pepper--which is crack to Texans.

I've been thinking a lot about my future. I may have to take care of my mother. She is in a group home right now, they get all of her disability. I don't know if they will keep her there after all of the damage she does to their property and her violence when she is psychotic. I don't want her to live with me, I refuse for that to happen. She is dangerous. She is out of psychosis but still has delusions, like that she is telepathic and our cat and walk through walls. Harmless enough. I can't let her be homeless. Now that her psychosis is a yearly thing, I've begun to have disturbing thoughts. She had a cancer scare earlier this year, and I almost hoped that it was. Just so I could get to say good bye to her while she was stable. I'm afraid she will die somewhere on the streets psychotic. I wonder if jail is the safest place for her. I tried to become her guardian but lawyers tell me it's impossible in mental health cases. She will get part of my dad's ss at 63--I believe $1100. I think she would be fine in a medicaid nursing home. She is so out of it lately she has fun wherever she goes.

Something else I didn't think about--I have a house in my name already. My dad put it in my name due to legal problems I won't talk about here. But it is technically mine, and believe it will be my inheritance. I will rent it out in the future, it will be fully payed off by the time I get it. That's a really nice thought. Although, he may sell it for retirement. He has two houses payed off, 500k and ss that is fully maxed out (is that 3k a month? can't remember)--but he fully supports my brother and his children. Will that fall on me too? Brother is also bipolar and has depressive episodes that are terrifying to witness.

I would like the house we are buying now to be a rental one day. It's kind of perfect. In an affordable, nice, but not TOO nice area. 1300 sq ft. Small yard. Fake wood floors. 3br 2bath. The only thing I will "fix up" will be the landscaping, exterior. That never goes out of style. But I'll keep the inside as is until we decide to rent it out. I think we'll live in it for the next 5 years at least.

I am so excited to have space to garden. I've also decided that I will learn how to build furniture. I'm going to build everything by hand. That is probably not true, but for now it a romantic notion that I have. Quaker, missionary couches made from wood with sewn cushions. Simple side tables. I've always wanted a goldilocks feel for my home. Quaint, hand made things.

One thing that is not ERE is my love of beautiful homes. This home is not beautiful, and i don't plan on investing the money to make it beautiful. But I plan on paying off mortgages one by one and renting out homes, always a step up, until I have the one I want. I don't want a big home. I want a 1920's Tudor, small, with all the original details. Those go for around $700K here. I also want a grand piano. Yikes. I want the simplicity and asceticism of the ERE lifestyle...but I want it with beautiful things. I'm willing to wait for those things, but I do want them. It does help that my SO will work until normal retirement age. But anything could happen, and I need to rely on myself as well. I can't afford my meds without insurance, and if I relied on him and then something happened.... that would be disaster. I'm terrified of disaster. My desire for novelty and adventure has been quelled by my fear of instability and damage that I experienced last year.

No, maybe I will learn happiness with what is. That is my biggest goal. I used to want to live in my subaru, have grand adventures. In CO, I did that. It was fun. I was also crazy. I came back to ruins. My soul felt empty. The terror of the mountains could no longer cover up my own fear and pain.

I do miss the mountain towns something terrible. Sometimes I get a real pain in my chest. Like a bad breakup.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

ellarose24 wrote:
Fri Jun 07, 2019 6:17 pm
I did not realize this, but apparently when buying a house, if you offer above the appraisal you have to make up the difference in cash. The house was listed at 190, we offered 205. There was a chance we were going to have to pay an additional $15k. But we got the appraisal back today--$205K!!!!!!!!
Just an FYI, don't read into the appraised value too much. Appraisers rarely appraise a property for less or more than a purchase price. If it's a legit transaction anyway. The fact you are willing to pay that amount is a proxy for fair market value. So the appraiser generally shoots to find reasonable comparables to back that up. If an appraisal ever does come back with a significant difference from a purchase price, it's likely that one has under/over paid by quite a bit.

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

It seems only a couple of week ago I was looking forwards to the joys of simple domesticity. Now that yearning has taken over my soul again. I made a mistake of watching Ken Burn's National Parks and then reading a biography of John Muir. There is a wild part of me that wants to say hell with money in general, with relationships, with jobs, with this world. I find myself liking people less and less. I find a sort of bitterness swelling up.

I go between having dreams of a perfect family, a sweet child, cooking, gardening, a blissful life of home and hearth--and a sort of wild despair, needing to escape, a simultaneous desire to embrace life while trampling on all of its realities.

ERE the way I wanted it doesn't seem possible anymore. It did in my early 20s, and it would have had I stayed on track. But I'm looking at my 40s now, I guess.

I am obsessed with youth. I think it's because my wildness and eccentricity was charming in my early 20s but is seeming more and more unhealthy. I also still had such grand dreams--getting my doctorate, living as a hermit, pursuing my ideals. All of the great writers that I love, in fact most great writers, came from wealth. Thoreau didn't--but he was considered a mooch by his wealthy friends. Jack Kerouac relied on drugs and his parents. The only one I can think of at the moment is Steinbeck--that is some solace as he is my favorite.

I am afraid my relationship is all about security. Emotional security, financial security, a buoy that I can hang onto so I don't go off the deep end. A buoy that I keep constantly at my side, even out of the water, because I so fear drowning in my own mental illness and lack of insight.

Spending money was a healthy way for me to release some of this. By healthy--a way that would still deem me somewhat normal. I remember bouts of this coming up and plans of living in my subaru, of perpetually camping in a state park, always a need to escape--always planning.

In reality, I assume it's time to talk to my doctor. It is with sadness I understand I need to quell these impulses. If I followed through with them, I think life would either be grand or I'd be stepping off the edge.

I've ran and reran numbers and no matter what I do, this next year will be all about regaining my emergency savings. I feel the need to have quite a bit.
I'm saving $160 a paycheck into retirement and on average $300 into savings. I have so many 'debts,' None of them really bad. A 0% installment plan for orthodontics. Repaying a 401k loan, 7% interest but that all goes back to me. Car loan at 2.5%. Installments on a phone bill--yes I bought the ridiculous iPhone about a year ago in CO. In a year my ES will be built up and the car, orthodontics, and phone will be payed off. Mortgage will be higher but at least that will be building equity in itself. But I'm starting to find despair in this home that we've yet to move into. It's an anchor, a foundation, and I don't like such things. It also keeps me in Texas, which I hate. I hate this city even more, hate the dangerous weather, the endless highways--nowhere to go to get away from the constant drone of traffic.

I miss the mountains so much. I sat and cried for 30 minutes with longing. I don't know what it is about them, I don't know why I have such a strong pull. It's something that I need to listen to, but here I am--stuck at this job at least another year and a half. Anchoring myself in a relationship and a home in a place that makes me fade.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

If the job only makes you "stuck" for a year and a half, why buy a house that will only make it harder to move?!

Delurking to wish you well.It sounds like you are pulling yourself in too many directions, at least mentally.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

2Birds1Stone wrote:
Tue Jun 11, 2019 6:34 am
If the job only makes you "stuck" for a year and a half, why buy a house that will only make it harder to move?!

Delurking to wish you well.It sounds like you are pulling yourself in too many directions, at least mentally.
I've been wondering that as well. It was an impulse, like most of my life decisions. It was during my "home and hearth" phase, which will likely come back momentarily. I've found I just have to wait these spells out for my entire outlook to change. It's figuring out which outlook to anchor myself with and then letting the "other one" pass over me. Imagine having two very different personalities fighting for your brain--the one I'm in right now is probably the unhealthy one, but louder. However, it seems closer to the truth and far more important--but I don't know how true that really is. I know that I felt more myself in CO--that is, after the mania and all.

Thank you for the well wishes.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I have a terrible problem with impulses. I wanted to back out of buying the house. The mountains were calling me and I was devastated. But I have set my goals and I'm sticking to them. I never stick to my goals. I go from one wild impulse to the other. My goal is to live in this house for two years and rent it out while I move to CO. There is the risk that there will be a recession and I will have to stay in the house, and I am okay with that. We can afford it on just my SO's income, and his job is not disposable (I think mine is, but I also think I could easily get another one if and when that happens).

Here's something I failed to mention--the house isn't under my name. It's under my boyfriend's name. He agreed to put me on the title, but I don't bare any of the risk. This is somewhat selfish. I can't fully commit to cementing myself in that way. Nevertheless, that is my plan.

My expenses are going up quite a bit. Besides my psychiatrist, I have physical therapy 2x a week. that $105 a week. My hip is out of place and it hurts to walk anymore. I tried desperately to fix it on my own, but ended up making it worse many times over. I'm only 28, I don't want to lose my ability to stay healthy.

Other things are going great, really. I've been meditating every day. Working out my arms consistently. Haven't eaten junk food, I was eating 2 dr peppers and 2 rice crisps a day, and went down from 5-7 cups of coffee a day to just a cup of tea. I've lost about 10 pounds (20 more to go). I'm using this time to better myself. Meditating is really and truly helping me in all sorts of ways.

I've brought almonds and fruits to work and snack on that throughout the day. I find joy in cooking at night. I watched a documentary--Into Great Silence. I watch it every couple of years. There is no dialogue, it simply follows monks in their day-to-day somewhere in the french alps. It is one of my favorite documentaries and I always come back with such peace. I find cleaning, cooking, even working to be meditative acts that bring me joy after watching the beautiful lives in which these men live.

This is my second month being consistent on meds and I can truly feel myself changing. Depression makes you so selfish, there's nothing else there but your self and the void--everything else is white washed. I find myself wanting to be a good person, to make a positive impact every day. It's hard to get out of my negativity--my negativity is noticeable to others and has been commented on. It is just a habit now. But I have the intention of changing that and it feels good to have some sort of goal and to be able to look outside of myself for once. I wouldn't wish the depression and anxiety I felt on anyone. And yet, I understand how it is not understood. Even now, that I'm stable and at peace, it's hard for me to fully remember what that felt like and to admit it as a reality. Hard to not believe there's a way to will yourself out of it. But there isn't, and that's why I take my medicine.

I talked to my therapist about how "weird" I am. I've always felt separate, alone, away from other people. Especially in the corporate world. He told me there are two ways to handle it, quit and work somewhere like an art museum, or acknowledge that corporations are only there for money and get out as soon as you can. I explained that's why I had initially told him I was taking a hiatus from therapy (to save money), but I decided my mental health was just as important as my physical. Too many stories of people lifting themselves out of depression and then the inevitable happens.. not inevitable, I hope not.

I am somewhat enjoying work. I'm interacting with people more, which I love. Helping advisors break away from massive firms to start their own RIA. It's exciting to walk them through the process. It feels good to help people--thats the thing I miss most about my previous job.

Spending has gone down but not as much as I had previously planned. I've eaten out once this month, which is far better than previously. But my medical bills are going up significantly and there's not much I can do about that. I don't know. I think that ERE is on one extreme and normal consumption at another and I suppose the healthiest place for me is "the middle way." My health is just too important to me, and my health requires quite a bit of expense. Honestly, I'm finding happiness in stability and peace and I don't mind having a job, I think it may even be good for my mental health. Retiring by 50 would be okay by me. I still need to be relatively frugal and careful with all the expenses I will likely have for the rest of my life, but I don't feel the dread and the urgency anymore. Sometimes ERE becomes an impulse and an obsession that I need to interpret as well.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Hi Bigato, that's nice to hear--my journals are mostly stream of conscious and I wonder if they're even comprehensible most of the time.

I'm unfortunately out of PTO. I had to go home for a week and a half when my mother was psychotic. I do go on hikes here and plan on doing some weekend trips. I've been looking into kayaking. Of course nothing takes the place of the mountains.

There is a beautiful documentary called "Alone in the Wilderness"--that would my ultimate goal in life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYJKd0rkKss

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I'm using mint again. It's not really accurate as I didn't use it the past two years but I found it interesting.

Below is my net worth since I started tracking it. My mania hit around May of 2017 and lasted until Jan of 2018 and then was in and out the rest of 2018 with extreme depression. Before May of 2017, I did not have BP "triggered" (had not yet been given antidepressants) and my net worth was increasing quite rapidly. The early debt in 2016 was the purchase of a car, which I do not include in my net worth. My income was also higher at this time as I was in a (stressful) sales job.

Image

Below is my net worth change over the month. I believe the big jump was because it was not tracking my current 401k. After the jump it was $54K and it still got to $57K by the end of the month. I think this was mostly due to my investments

Image

Below is my spending. Expenses NEED to go down. I had a couple of things come up this month--it seems like they do every month. This includes last month's rent and this month's rent as I pay my boyfriend for rent and we're not strict on when I pay him. Our rent this month went up to 950 each because we are doing month-to-month in anticipation of moving into our new house. Health and fitness are all my doctors visits and medicine. I had a tire blow out so that was a big part of my auto. I also had a debt collector send me mail for a red light I had ran in CO. I was never called and I suppose they were originally sending it to my old address. that was $100 Food was double my goal of $100, but I think that was implausible. I ate out twice and payed for my boyfriend each time. I felt the need to as he "surprise" took me out--I should probably just ask that neither of us do that and instead make nice meals at home. I also payed for majority of both of our groceries as a way to say thank you because with all of my doctor's visits he has had to take our dog to the dog park in 105 degree heat for an hour a day. That really means A LOT to me and is cheaper than daycare. Things that I could control I'm relatively happy with. Very little shopping, a significant decrease in food spending (still far more than I'd like)... but I'm learning to appreciate any positive changes.

Image


I feel extremely stable this month. I recently have had issues with my medicine giving me vision problems/nausea but I'll take it. I'm appreciative of my boyfriend. The "yearnings" for adventure have dissipated and I feel contentment. I'm gardening on our little balcony and the plants thriving is evidence of my stability. I'm needlepointing for our new home's decorations.

I also found a lady that teaches hand quilting! It will be an expense, but I am so excited. $20 an hour plus supplies. She will be teaching me and another lady who makes renaissance clothing (do you know I'm a HUGE RENNY and have spent shameful amounts on clothing. I don't feel guilty--it is a true joy of mine).

I'm back in my "nesting" phase and I'm enjoying it. I imagine our home as a little cottage. I want my boyfriend to get into wood working--he was when we were in college. I imagine me quilting and sewing and him building our furniture. It's only a fantasy. I watched a documentary on the shakers probably 10 years ago and never got it out of my head. The aesthetics of it is so appealing to me. I love simple, clean lines. I love utility. I love hand made. (I also love ornate, gilded frames and silk tapestries and all things made for castles, but I'm afraid I will never have that kind of wealth.)

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Hi Bigato,

I did much worse than these graphs show. I did not link the two 0% interests credit cards with 10k debt on them (combined)--they are what I took a loan from my 401k to pay off before the APR kicked in. But, looking back, I ended up at about the same place and it could have been much worse.I just realized--the cool thing about my 401k loan, if there is a cool thing, is it immediately pulls from the debt and reappears in the asset category. Obviously, still wish I hadn't had to take it.

I think there's confusion on how finances work with me and my bf. We split everything 50/50. So I paid my portion of rent only, but I payed it for both July (A couple days late) and August (a couple days early.) He pays for it out of his pocket, and I pay him back whenever is convenient, so there are months where it looks like I've payed nothing, and months where it looks like I've payed 2x.

He actually gives a lot more to the relationship than I do, both in terms of finances, cleaning, cooking, etc. The least I can do is buy groceries every now and then.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I had to go to the emergency room. My medicine had built up to a toxic level in my system and I was having trouble breathing, walking, well pretty much doing anything. It was about a week ramp up period where I felt worse and worse. I began to spend more money during this time--on food. My boyfriend was out of town and I have to eat with my other medicine but I couldn't barely walk to the fridge, definitely couldn't make it to the grocery store so I ordered uber eats. Part of that was will power. I'm sure I could've made it to get a loaf of bread somewhere. By the time my boyfriend got back I wasn't able to drive anymore and we went to the emergency room. A bunch of tests and nothing--they suspected it was toxicity from my medicine so I had to quit it. about 4 days later and I'm feeling much better (physically).

Quitting my medicine is hard as I felt more stable than I ever had. Depression is back. I'm still on another medicine, so it isn't full blown but it is making things harder.

An idea I'm growing to like more and more is "independence." Not independence from consumerism, from work, from my medicine. More independence from letting any of that impact me one way or another. I just don't know if ERE is feasible for me. It seems things keep happening--this illness is so expensive even when I try to do everything right.

But that is OKAY. That is the point. I'm learning that I don't need to be free from my job or have a certain savings rate or...anything to be independent of it all. I've survived some seriously traumatic shit and I'm still here. What's the worst that can happen? I die like everyone does. So why base my sense of self on any of this? I don't NEED to have a certain NW or to be "completely stable" or to not be depressed to live as best as I can during this moment. This has been such a huge learning curve for me. My obsession with FI I think was also part of my illness, it was a deep dissatisfaction with who I was and where I was in life. It came from fear and anxiety and pinned all of my hope for myself on some future me that had X amount of dollars.

Well, that's looking less and less likely. I'm either a victim of my circumstances or a scholar of it. Acceptance of where I am right now--even if that is debilitating depression--is the most I can ask for.

I will still save for the future. I still have hope for my future. But I'm not going to let it impact me accepting my life right now. It was always, unhealthily, "In the future." I will be able to do things "In the future." When I've save X amount of dollars, gone X Amount of days without depression, when I'm in shape...etc etc.

Nope. I plan on spending money on more therapy. I'm going to try and subsist on my one medicine and find other ways to cope. I don't want to go through the merry-go-round of meds and their side effects. That is scary and could cost me my job as I don't have enough time to get FMLA yet. So far 3 of the 7 medicines I've tried have come with side effects that, if I were to take them now, could cost me my job. So I will learn to cope being mildly suicidal. And that is okay. I am okay with that.

Maybe ERE for me means normal retirement. Maybe that IS early retirement. Considering the people who don't get to retire--who are on disability, will work forever because of their manic spending sprees, the 25% of people that commit suicide--maybe regular retirement is good for me. And that is OKAY! My therapist said "Everyone has to climb the same mountain, some people just have more rocks in their backpack." I like that. Because I have more rocks than maybe some people who can afford to ERE at 45. There are probably people who have more rocks than me and are willing to break their backs to get to the top. Not me--it'll take me longer to climb the mountain, and none of us truly know if we'll ever get to the top before it's our time. All I can focus on is the day to day climb. Why not use the extra time it takes me to enjoy the minutiae?

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Things have been in upheaval.

Fall is always a time of change for me. A shedding. Mark and I bought this house 1 month ago. I will be moving out and living with two other female roommates far away. Mark is a symbol of security for me. This forum is a symbol of security. They are obsessions with stability and being safe. They come from distrust in myself and complete and total fear.

This post will be an apology of all other posts. Early retirement is not right for me. It is right for some people. Is a good thing for most people. But for me, it came from a place of fear, anxiety, a desire to escape. A real fear of my own decisions, my own wants, and wanting, desperately, to grab onto some kind of dogma that would make my choices for me under the guise of doing something 'better' than before, better than what others do, something that puts me above. I used it as a sort of religion. I wonder how many people here, especially the truly fanatics, are using this to replace the peace and dogma of religion.

I have missed the mountains far too long. When I drove through them on my way back to Texas, I cried the entire time. The exhilaration, terror, and fear of being up there alone and without any safety net except the first aid case in your pack--that is what I long for. That is life for me. Making decisions based on a future that I don't even want out of fear is not what I want.

I will never be a 'true consumer', and I love what this forum has reinforced as far as that goes. But I will also never fully commit to ERE--because I have bigger needs and things in my life, and sacrificing now for stability in the future does nothing for me. I've grown up in chaos, I know chaos, and I figured this was a way to escape it. But by knowing chaos, I also know impermanence and I know the value of the present--and that value--of right now--is worth more to me than future interest.

I'm making some major changes in my life. I still hope to retire at 65. But I will be moving back to the mountains. I will lose the 2k I put down on this house--M isn't willing to give that back to me. I will lose 5K of a bonus that way payed to me for this job. I will still have over 50K in retirement savings and 10k of emergency savings. I'm good with that, I don't need more. What I need is to stop living in constant anxiety and neurotic obsession with stability. "Bipolar" took away all say I had in my own life, took away all impetus for change and all desire for choice. But what did I do wrong? In my mid 20s, I packed up to the mountains with a good job lined up for me. I spent a lot of my savings--as is normal in a move across the country. I dated someone who wasn't good for me. Are those mistakes going to bound me to a life of fear?

I'll still focus on simple living, living below my means, taking as much responsibility as I can. But I have never been able to rationalize hard numbers and percentages, I've never been able to fit my life into neat graphs of progression and future projection. I have too much of the poet in me. If I retire earlier, it will be because of me ascetic philosophy and my desire for clarity, not because a goal I have in mind. These rules have too much of the world in them. These thoughts are how to manipulate that world, conquer it. No, I want to escape it. I do not want my life defined by it, neither in submission or in its conquering. I want to live completely on the peripheral. I want to spend my time in the mountains, and feel the sacred terror that for me, is the only thing worth living for. That's the religion I want. To feel god in the mountains and pines, and the eyes of the cougar on your back, and searching finding the change in the minutiae of the trails of your favorite mountains.

And I know too this sounds like an episode. But I have been working very carefully with my psychiatrist. He whole heartedly supports my decisions. He has felt me suffocating, grasping, etiolating since I moved back here. I'm an eccentric, and I like other eccentrics--and I like all of you. But my eccentricity places me in the wild, in abstractions, away from hard numbers, facts, dogmas. And so I will say goodbye to this forum and to ERE in general. It taught me a lot, and I am grateful for it. And I am grateful to leave it behind.

AnalyticalEngine
Posts: 949
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 11:57 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

Hi Ella, thank you for this journal. Your journey has been insightful to read, and I hope you keep us updated as you embark on this new journey. To me, ERE has always different from FIRE in that it's not really about retirement--it's about designing intelligent systems that support your life. So if you value living in the mountains, then I think it's completely inline with ERE to focus on that in your life.

EdithKeeler
Posts: 1099
Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by EdithKeeler »

Ella, I’m happy for you and wish you the best. And just because ERE isn’t for you doesn’t mean you can’t update us with how it’s going!!

suomalainen
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Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by suomalainen »

ellarose24 wrote:
Sun Sep 01, 2019 11:58 am
And so I will say goodbye to this forum and to ERE in general. It taught me a lot, and I am grateful for it. And I am grateful to leave it behind.
Holy whiplash, batman! I just read your whole journal in one go and it’s quite a ride. I related to some of your posts, the way your brain works, some of your projections and even some of your excesses. Out of all of it, and assuming you even ever come back to read this, the only thing I would say is to make sure you put your health - physical AND mental - at the forefront. I spent over $10,000 on therapy, and I wouldn’t hesitate to do it again if needed. The money isn’t the point and even though you can sometimes get the sense from the forum that it is, in the end, it really isn’t. Some people are able to focus on the numbers because the rest of their lives are in order. For some of us...the money or what it represents maybe brought us here, but we’ve found that it can’t be the focus. We’re just trying to figure out this life thing. Anyway. I wish you the best of luck on this next part in your journey. I miss the mountains too.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

It has been a while, I won't even read my previous posts mostly out of embarrassment, but I feel a pull to come back to this community.

I finally sorted out my medicine and have been (somewhat) stable for the past 5-6 months--which is an achievement for me.

I finally looked at my problems and have been working steadily on them. I had $8000 in credit card debt. Granted, this debt was 0% interest, but it had previously been unfathomable for me to ever be in so much debt. The previous post--I just glanced through it, was in fact in the midst of an episode. Covid has been extremely hard on me. I mostly need to learn to not let stress send me into insanity. This past year my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my uncle drank himself to death (due to quarantine and isolation), and of course we are all reeling from the effects of covid.

A week ago (wow it seems way longer) I went through the Texas snow storm. In my early 20s I had always fantasized about not having electricity, but I did not account for negative degree weather, houses that are not built for insulation, and lack of running water. While I did have food and water saved, which had us fair far better than many, the fear of frozen pipes and just general chaos was a bit traumatic. However, it did reinvigorate the desire to be 100% self sufficient. I obviously did not move to the mountains--and strangely, after the snow storm, my lizard brain screams at the thought of snow.

A strange and wonderful thing happened to me at the beginning of my healing. I am not sure if it is that I found the right meds, or my brain finally untangled--probably both. But I had the realization that there is no one that can control the outcome of my life besides me. Yes, I know this is obvious, and i would have said I understood it before--but a victim mindset is hard to get past. Mental illness communities, I feel, sometime play into this self-victimization and make one feel like there is no hope or control in their life. I will detail that in another post--because I think it is so extremely important.

The freeze last week cemented that. The feeling of being dependent on anyone else--the electrical grid, public utilities, god forbid the government as a whole, was terrifying. Luckily, I have been backpacking in freezing temperatures so unlike most Texans, I did have cold weather gear, a stove, and due to my nature I always keep a months worth of food and water on me at all times. But I did almost immediately go into panic, despite being prepared.

I have not been thinking about early retirement over the past 6 months--I've mostly been focusing on healing. It was an amazing feeling to develop habits and watch them actually stick. I am talking small habits: brushing my teeth every day, walking around the block, meditating. I had spent several years not able to sustain even the most basic of tasks. Part of that was my illness, part my attitude, part circumstances. It feels much better now, to be able to say that regardless, it was my responsibility.

I have $3K left in zero interest debt. I started aggressively paying it off about 2 1/2 months ago, that is 6 paychecks.

My retirement hit $100K, which is far less than my initial goals ten years ago when I started this journey, but regardless it is a milestone and one I am happy about now that I am nearing 30. M's retirement is $200k. It's really funny, when I first got started I was the bread-winner and the frugal one, and I used to chastise him about going out to eat with friends or buying video games. But ultimately, I sat him down years ago and we created a plan together, and he has stuck with that plan. His pay increases were always put into his 401k, he maxes out his roth every year (and now his 401k as well). And he has weathered age and life better than I have, those early plans he has stuck to and it is really exciting to see the pride he takes in his investing. And I know this is my ego, and probably trying to find some silver lining, but I feel a bit of pride in my early input--which he has stated is why he is where he is now.

Best case scenario, we stay together for the rest of our lives and we currently have a combined net worth of $300K. I am not including the house which we have barely made a dent in as far as the mortgage, and I don't plan on including it unless this becomes a rental property.

We do intend to stay together "forever," but I would be lying if I said that was a for sure deal. My mental illness was extremely hard on him. In episodes, I often break up with him and then come back when the episode has passed. Now, it's been 6 months since that has happened, but who knows what the future holds? I can think of no one more able to weather the storm than him, but I have to face the reality that if he wants to walk away, let's say I have another episode, he has every right to do so. He does not want to get married--early in our 20s he begged to get married and I said no. Lately he is hesitant to do so, which I understand. I'm exercising patience as 6 months is not long enough to heal after years of outright instability and chaos. Growing up with a bipolar mother, I do not expect nor want anyone to suffer their existence just to keep me afloat. That is why perhaps the most important goal to me--for self sufficiency, for my relationships, for my life is to stay stable. Stability allows me a life that would not exist otherwise.

On that note, one of the big things that was holding me back from even hoping for early retirement, post diagnosis, was medical care. This is because, as I had been in constant episode of mania-depression, my medical care was costing me... I haven't looked at it, but probably over $10K a year. Biweekly therapists visits, inpatient, changing meds. Well, stability has cut that cost way down as well. Ultimately, I found therapy did not work for me and have cut it out completely. I may do some structured programs on actual life skills like DBT or even EMDR for trauma, but both of those have an end date and are not a "constant" never-ending expense like talk therapy is. My miracle medicine that we switched to actually has a generic version available. The medicine I was on previously only had "name brand" so even with insurance it was $80 a month and without it would have been thousands. This one costs $20 on insurance and perhaps a hundred or so without. I see my psychiatrist every three months now instead of twice a month because--well I'm stable, I don't need adjustments.

My therapists (one specialized in mood disorders and the other in trauma) were both out of network. One was $250 a session and the other was $180. That comes to $320 a week! Then I had $80 of meds and another $200 to see a psych a month. I am trying to keep that in perspective when I ask myself how I let myself fall so far when it comes to my savings and spending. These were things that I felt I HAD to do, I could not even think about them because I was desperate for stability. Inpatient once a year (sometimes twice) cost $500 after insurance.

Insurance is another big thing. Before my diagnosis--I was maxing out an HSA and on the highest deductible plan. After diagnoses, I was on the lowest deductible and did not have an HSA, and spent every penny that was in my HSA. I have been able to, this year, go back to a low deductible AND start up an HSA again and oh my god, it feels amazing. I simply did not weigh the expenses nor the stress that came from mental health care and being ill.

However, I can not expect this to last forever. Of course, I hope that it will, and am doing everything I can to maintain this stability, but I must also plan for a future where I have another episode. I have talked to M and we have agreed on several things. He was reluctant to agree to some of this, which did upset me--but ultimately we have the following rules. He maintains all of my credit cards. He attached my credit card to his amazon, so when I want to order something--it goes through him. I pay for the groceries so once a week he gives me his phone and I buy groceries and give it back to him. If I need my credit card for anything, I have to ask him for it. We have implemented this while I am stable as it took me time to unlearn habits even as I was gaining independence.

If I am ever manic again, he will change the passwords to my bank accounts as well.

I currently have everything on autopay, and zelle him monthly for half of the mortgage, so I don't need to be in my accounts really at all.

This, I understand, sound backwards. Especially for someone who proclaims to be a modern feminist (a rabid feminist even!) But my life isn't a normal person's life--I do have to have these barriers in place, and short of getting guardianship or a living trust set up (which I do not think we have enough to warrant)--these are the steps I need to take. His hesitancy was mainly because he saw his own mother, who raised 5 children, have to ask his father for money if she wanted anything, and it left a bad taste in his mouth. I had to reassure him we are partners and that this is not an issue of control.

The other big thing I've done is change careers. I am getting paid the same, but took a giant step back as far as my role. It hurt my ego, massively. When I wrote my last post, I was on FMLA from my extremely stressful job. I was overseeing mergers and acquisitions for billion dollar advisory firms. It was project work that did not leave you when you left for the day. The medicine I was taking at the time compounded the stress as my mental capabilities were dulled to such an alarming degree that I sometimes could not finish sentences. While on leave, I applied for--essentially a customer service role. But it is a role that pays well and has plenty of growth opportunity. I honestly do not know if I want any growth. As we have seen, my mental health seems to be more important as far as financial stability than the actual income I am making. The job I am at now I make about $78K a year, and while it is a grind, I leave my work at work and have very little stress.

This job also allows me to study for my CFP--which they will pay for, and if I pass I get a $5K raise. I think it is too early in my stability to really make broad plans. I had started my CFP pre diagnosis and passed the first 3 modules. Then, as you may have read, things fell apart. I have a glimmer of an idea to one day, perhaps, start a financial planning firm specifically for those with mental illnesses. This is mostly a dream, I would want far more stability under my belt. And it may be something I never do, I am truly enjoying having a 9-5 job that has zero stress.

Outside of work/finances/mental health I have become extremely interested in permaculture and native plant gardening. Specifically, I have been detailing the plants I find on hikes around the area and researching if they are edible--and if they are, trying to incorporate them into my lawn. I was extremely depressed when I moved back to Texas from Colorado--but I think my mindset was not correct. I spent a lot of time researching our ecoregion and have had so much fun learning about the variety of native plants and the life that they support. There is a bit of sadness too, as urban sprawl has decimated the nature here. I've joined some local chapters for native planting and created a neighborhood group to transform our park (which is a lifeless field) back to native prairie. (Although I am the only one that cares about the plants--but that is for another post).

All in all things are going well and I feel like I've come back to myself after an exhausting, terrifying journey.

ZAFCorrection
Posts: 357
Joined: Mon Aug 14, 2017 3:49 pm

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ZAFCorrection »

Glad you are back, Ella, both here and to yourself.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

//

Kipling
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Mar 17, 2017 11:10 am
Location: London

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Kipling »

Ella, thank you for the update. Seems like you are in a good place right now, and I'm happy for you.

ellarose24
Posts: 175
Joined: Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:44 am

Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I am falling father and farther into obsession with a new topic: native landscaping.

I honestly wish this was where my career had gone—somehow into land management/ecology. But the ability to be successful in that field seems limited. I may have lucked out being where I am.

I learned some time ago about effective altruism, and it is ultimately where I’d like to end up myself. But it is a goal, and I still have a long way to go. I could never see myself as a number-crunching fiend, nor do I get happy about hypothetical convertibles that I can buy. I don’t see myself that way, and now that I am well into adulthood—I have to say I am not that way. Somehow, I was raised to truly not value money. The way my brother applied this to his life is to be in debt constantly, to the point he can’t even purchase a car. The way I took it was moving in and out of “buy nothing because I don’t care” and “buy whatever I want because I don’t care.”

So I think ultimately, I need to have SOMETHING to care about. I don’t care about retiring early, I can’t retire early both because of health insurance, and yes—because I’m one of those pathetic people brought up on this sub that doesn’t have enough “hobbies” or whatever to sustain myself. The truth is that I don’t have the discipline to maintain a strict schedule necessary for my mental health—that is something only the risk of getting fired gives me—and it works well. I spent 4 months last year not working, and my mental health plummeted. Getting my job back—I accomplished more outside of work than I had in those four months without a job. What does this forum think is better—increased pharmaceuticals or having a 9-5? (I’m joking)

So what is it? It’s really my own selfishness that asks this question. Because throwing money down the drain doesn’t bring me fulfillment, neither does having a large amount in my bank account. I think effective altruism is something I can get behind.

Now that my debt is paid off, we only have the mortgage—about $175K left on that, we have a year’s worth of emergency savings, $300K in retirement at 30, ($100K of that is mind, $200K my SO). We are not close to being FI and certainly not FIRE, but then neither of us plans on stopping work.

Something I’d love to do is be able to donate my entire salary to charity—one day. Not now of course, and I think that is where hitting the FI number will come in handy. Just looking at the various charities I support, you get cool little perks depending on how much you donate, with the largest being your name published for all to see.

Now, in my current/future career, having people google my name and seeing whatever elite bullshit title they give me for donating money would be beneficial as well—namely in recognition and prestige that would have people bring more business to me. And another thing “effective altruism” has done has made me consider seriously increasing my income. Whereas before I just… again, didn’t care—the thought of increasing what I can give excites me. And it seems to be one of core tenants of effective altruism (be successful so you have more capacity to give(.

Thinking of money this way—namely that the more money I have the more good I can do—has been more inspiring than just about every other FI rendition I’ve been able to come up with. And I am certainly not trying to say that I am some holy benevolent saint. This largely comes from neuroses, and a type of guilt I’ve never been able to get rid of despite shaking of Catholicism—some need to appease the world for my existence.

I believe it was initiated by my first run-in with financial independence which later evolved into anti-consumption—and realizing the absolute privilege I have. (Yuck, I hate what “privileged” has come to mean in modern society. But it is the best work for comparing me to a woman in poverty in North Africa). There were many years that I felt like the victim, both cause and effect of being mentally ill, it felt unfair that I was born a woman, unfair that I had bipolar, unfair that my past… etc etc. But so what? Reading about stories from Syria or Sudan or any number of places where people, and especially women, have it far worse than me as I scroll through a news article on my iPhone while taking a bath. It just feels rather disgusting. 

And I think the FI community in general makes sure to stay away from that—at least the “I am a victim” mentality that permeates all of the internet at all times these days. But I wonder if it goes too far, in that sort of conservative individualism that equally plagues the internet.

I don’t have answers to these questions, I’m only asking them. For me, the easiest way to navigate is to think of the ability I have to give. I remember reading an article about a girl who lived in poverty while making a high income to donate everything. It wasn’t the kind of poverty that FIRE preaches, of finding utility and happiness in what you own—it was what I imagine as the equivalent of whipping your back for penance from God. And that is certainly not what I want to do.

In that way I have reframed my goals somewhat.

-Now that debt is paid off I am maxing out my 401k. Now I’m doing that to be FI, but one note tying this back to effective altruism, probably about 1/4 of the people I work with give their RMDs away as charitable contributions.

-I am actually trying at work. My initial thought in taking this job is that it is low stress and I planned to stay at it forever. I make about $75k so it’s really not a bad job—but I’m feeling invigorated to get the recognition for my donations. There are interviews coming up in the next 3 months, and I am performing at the top. Where I am failing is—networking, which is huge in my job. Presentation. I don’t care much about looks. Confidence, although I am amazing with actual clients, when it comes to managers, C level execs within my own company, or even my own coworkers—I am prone to self deprecation, saying I am sorry constantly, and belittling my own accomplishments. I really need to get a handle on this.

-I’m donating $200 a month to a local charity made to hold on and restore the only pockets left native to our ecoregion. This is something I’m passionate about, unfortunately, it does not get me a fancy plaque or my name online.

-I’ve turned our own lawn into native prairie. Well, I’m in the process of doing so. It didn’t cost much besides wildflower seed, but I need to buy some native grasses and shrubs as well, which I will do in late April/early May. I also ordered some signs that let my neighbors know whats going on. We don’t have an HOA, but I think they could call the city potentially as it starts to grow.

-A huge aspect of this is discipline with my own mind. We have a 1300 sq ft house in the middle of suburbia with a tiny yard. I am trying to convince both my SO and myself that this should be our forever home. Why not? What more do we need, and why would we need it? The only reason I want more land is so I can practice my management—but surely there are better, more educated people to do so who already have projects going on that I can volunteer both my time and money to? My brain tries to find altruistic logic behind greedy wants, and I am trying hard to siphon out the two.

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