Ella's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
ellarose24
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Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Well, I guess this is where I will start.

This journal will be made I suppose to hold me accountable. I have a thing for novelties, antiques, and beautiful things. I have an identity that changes drastically from one day to the next. And I have goals that have suffered because of these things.

To make a simple outline I will work for 4 more years (that is how long it take to become vested in my retirement account), save 75% of my income--hike for a year and then go work another 5 years in the same job (that is how long it takes to get our retirement health plan.) I plan on teaching at that point, but with the knowledge that I don't have to and with the ability to be pure of intent in my relation to the work.

Currently I have a 30k net worth, though some of that is with profit sharing, company contributions, and a health plan that I'm not vested in yet. about 17 is my own. I am in desperate need of a car after 200k miles on a gas guzzler and living in a Texas suburb, and I would like to own a house one day. I love houses. I love old, ornate, beautiful houses. But for now, I plan on buying a duplex, living on one side and renting the other. That will take another year of saving.

Saving is not my strong suit. Spending is emotional with me. I spend far less than most other 24 year old women, but still far more than is necessary to have even an extremely comfortable lifestyle. I am an introvert, an INFP as I've seen the jungian personality test pop up here quite often. I am influenced greatly by my surroundings, and I want my surroundings to be beautiful and peaceful, calm and inspiring. It is where I recharge after a day filled with emotionally draining conversations ( I work in the financial industry...helping people retire, ironically!)

I do want beautiful things out of life. I am conflicted in this. Is it that I am a consumer? well yes I am. But there is a stronger drive there. There is a peace, a serenity, maybe even a physical manifestation of a deeper, spiritual searching when we look at beautiful craftsmanship. When we look at how humans have organized matter to bring a wealth of beauty and sensory delight that moves us beyond reality (I am thinking of beautiful homes here). Real beauty often does bring me to tears, whether it's needlepoint with every stitch counted, a handmade box, a painting. I take such pleasure in these things, the same pleasure one might take from music. It is evidence of someone's trial to transform reality into order, perfection, beauty. And it speaks in a soft, ethereal way that helps quiets my existential searching.


I graduated 2 years ago with a degree in Medieval Literature. Maybe a naive choice, but one that I would never give up. I love learning, I have just as much an interest in geology, finance, theology... I got a job in the finance industry, entry level, and have had 2 promotions since, and making decent money for someone of my age. But I find myself losing motivation, losing connection with myself. My resolve certainly frays with time and I find myself engaging in things that I don't want and don't need out of sheer exhaustion. If we work overtime, I can make significantly more, and that would also help my bonuses. But being an introvert, spending 12 hour days telling people they aren't going to be able to retire, or listening to their fear as the market is crashing is emotionally exhausting. I love being there for people, I love the conversations I have, but I become so emotionally involved that by the time I get home I only want a glass of whiskey and fast food and to watch the Simpson's on repeat.

So this journal will begin by making small changes. I have already spent a month doing a set of small changes, walking every day for 30 minutes, not getting on reddit and not drinking dr. pepper.

This month I will add on to that by waking up at 5 AM every day, meditating for 10 minutes a day, and not drinking alcohol. I have also started a budget and tracking my expenses, which I will update as time goes on.

Dragline
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Dragline »

Sounds like you are off and running!

Gilberto de Piento
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Gilberto de Piento »

Welcome! Good luck with the duplex plan.
not getting on reddit
Reddit is addictive. The stayfocusd extension for chrome or similar may help.

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Slevin
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Slevin »

Gilberto de Piento wrote: Reddit is addictive. The stayfocusd extension for chrome or similar may help.
I've found that a good heuristic is to only stay on small subs with less than 50k or so readers. There seems to be a certain point where any subject is bogged down by nonsense, silly comments, and an incessant renewal of the same idea 10x per week. The new content level is also so high at that point that you can get sucked in for as long as you want. I've noticed this all begins somewhere between 50k and 75k subscribers.

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C40
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by C40 »

Hello my name is C40 and I also spend too much time on Reddit. I think I will unsubscribe from about half of the big default subs

fips
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by fips »

Welcome!

Encouraging to read about your mini challenges. I am doing the same right now and some of them are somewhat related to yours. I restrict my Internet use, want to wake up early and at the same time and have only very little alcohol.

With regards to meditation - a friend of mine recommended Headspace only a few days ago. It's next on my list, even though I am pretty busy right now and I feel like I don't have time. But probably the opposite is true. If things are getting hectic, you need more time for yourself/meditation/mindfulness.

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Two years later and I am sitting in tears reading my old post.

"I have an identity that changes drastically from one day to the next."

Actually, I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed shortly after my first post. I went in for depression and they gave me an antidepressant that threw me into severe mania. I should have known, my mother has schizoaffective disorder. But before the antidepressant, my illness had not yet been "triggered"--yes that's what happen. I could have gone my whole life without it, but something was bound to 'trigger' it into existence.

I have come to accept that now that it's here, it's not going away. I tried very hard to stay off medicine and get myself back. But once 'triggered' there is nothing one can do but rely on medicine.

Here's how my journey changed. With my manic episode, I quit my job, moved to Colorado, got into a relationship with someone who was 25 and 40k in debt, drank constantly--and spent all my money. Not just my liquid assets, I took a loan from my 401k. It could have been worse. I hear about people going into debt and I have 40k in credit card limits that I could've run up so I guess I should be 'happy' with that.

Even after the mania ended, I couldn't come to terms with the fact that my entire perspective on life, all the goals and plans I had for myself, were gone. I lost a lot of friends, I lost an amazing job (that I quit), I lost a caring boyfriend, I lost my sanity--literally.

Here I am picking up the pieces. My long term boyfriend took me back. I cannot believe that he did, but he did. I moved back to my old state, found a job that pays decently but may be a dead end. The big kicker is that I will be on very expensive meds the rest of my life and need health care. You that are healthy--truly be grateful. One of my meds costs 2000 without insurance. With meds I have lost the capability to write and reason the way I used to, so I fear this journal will be a hodge podge of fears and mistakes.

Where I am right now: 27 years old. 10K in savings, 45K in retirement, 4k left on a car loan, 7k in a 401k loan, I am getting orthodontics which I pay 200 a month until December. Currently: Maxing out my 401k and that is about it.

Bills: 540 for rent, 120 for car insurance, 400 for car (I'm payed 6 months in advance), 200 for orthondontics--as far as the variables I have no idea. I don't want to look. It is only very recently that I've become stable and I was likely spending thousands on restaurants and clothes. I'll start tracking that going forward

My plan: my plan is much revised since I wrote 2 years ago.In fact, I'm not exactly sure what it is. My goal is to save up 500k by the time I'm 35. I will then quit and be on my (then husband's) health insurance. I will work part time and use my savings to supplement. I wish my boyfriend was into ERE but he is not. He is frugal by nature, more frugal than I am, but he could care less about retiring early. Selfishly, this benefits me as he is willing to pay 'majority' of the bills if and when the time comes for me to move part time. It also gives me health insurance. For now we split evenly and keep our finances separate, which I am fine with.

My biggest fear is that I turn into my mother. Her bipolar rapidly got worse until she became schizoaffective and she now has psychotic episodes that last 4-6 months once a year. She cannot hold a job, and she costs my family tens of thousands of dollars in damages every time.

I vow not to let that happen to me. Early retirement to me is not just about money. It's about being as healthy as I can to prevent the loss of my mind and my reasoning. People with bipolar disorder must lead an almost ascetic lifestyle. No drinking, no drugs (obviously), work out every day, stay away from caffeine, stay away from sugar, sleep 8 hours every night, take your meds religiously,.. These are the things I must do to give me the best chance of enjoying life in my later years. Luckily asceticism also has a lot in common with ERE.

Frita
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Frita »

You are two years and a heck of a ride wiser. As the Chinese proverb says, “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.”

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Mister Imperceptible
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by Mister Imperceptible »

Hi ellarose.

I like these stories of those who appreciate the beautiful. :) Perhaps you can spend time to become someone who creates the beautiful, rather than paying top dollar for beautiful items? Perhaps just read Umberto Eco instead of overpaying for a large ornamental house?

When I was your age, I was over $100k in student debt with no assets. I had just gotten out of a six month relationship with someone who similarly spent all of my money. Now I am 32 with no student debt and almost $400k. I did it without a SO. You have your partner again and that makes everything so much easier. You’re in a great spot.

If I am the 1000th person to recommend you this, I am sorry. But have you tried weaning yourself off of the antidepressants? I was offered these and also opioids for spinal injury/back pain and declined both, fearful of dependency. Is there any way you can take less and less until you take none, and just deal with the the bad moments the best you can?

m741
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by m741 »

Wow, that update was a rollercoaster ride! Good luck on this next stage of your journey.

Do you still do anything related to medieval literature? Any favorites, or recent translations you w3ould recommend to those with knowledge of medieval history but not its literature?

classical_Liberal
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

Ellarose24 is not on antidepressants. She's bipolar. She should not try to "wean" off her meds!

I found your original entry describing how beautiful things make you feel very impressive. Is that still the same? Also, I second the fact you can F-up your finances majorly in your 20's and still easily get back on track, so don't sweat it.

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Mister Imperceptible--my love of beauty and those extreme feeling that I once felt were related to my disorder (I used to feel such peace) and have gone away with my medicine. It's something I grieve for, but also makes me able to live a normal life. It's hard to talk about, everytime I do I want to go "back" and going "back" means going off of my meds which would cost me my life.

I do not take antidepressants. You cannot take them if bipolar. I take antipsychotics and mood stablizers and my sanity depends on them so no, I will not be stopping them (and just forewarning you--telling a bipolar to stop taking their meds will not go over well in most instances)

m741--I have stopped reading almost completely as my meds now make it hard to focus on anything. If you want a bit of fund and a challenge read Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur. It is in olde english so you can read it out loud for fun and there are great wizards and headless women to explore.

classical_liberal--I've been reading your journal, in fact it's the first one I read when deciding to get back on this train of ERE and thoroughly enjoying it. As stated above, my love of beautiful things has drastically diminished. The one place I still feel that 'peace' is from nature. Far healthier anyways. Spring is here and the forests are being blanketed with soft, otherworldly green. I moved from CO to TX so I am in mourning for the mountains. But I've found pockets here of untouched forests--wildflowers, elm, oak, and cedar trees. Colorado didn't have many shade trees so it is a different experience altogether and I am learning to find happiness here, too.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Welcome back.

I have several family members who suffer from bi-polar disease or related disorder, including my mother and my closest-in-age sister. I am mildly cyclothymic myself.

One insight I have gained from having a good deal of experience interacting with individuals in manic state, is that the urge to shop must represent a core human drive organically represented in the brain, because the tendency towards shopping is so prevalent in mania. I think it must be related to the natural cycles of plentiful food or scarcity of food that human beings experienced over the many millennia prior to the modern era, which is also related to seasonal affective disorder. So, if you think about it from this perspective, you realize that people who very easily manifest frugality because they have little or no desire to shop would actually quite possibly be people who couldn't survive in a more wild scavenger setting, just like how people who have no problem with chastity due to very low sex drive would likely produce offspring in lower numbers. IOW, it takes all types to make a human village, and there are many different flavors and approaches towards frugality.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

ellarose24 wrote:
Fri Mar 22, 2019 6:39 am
I've been reading your journal
I'm truly honored, thanks!

Nature is so important! I just took a road trip through the NE of Texas and was very surprised to see the beautiful rolling hills and untouched forest areas. I had no idea that existed in TX. If it hadn't been so chilly and rainy (this was like the third week of Feb), I would have stayed there and camped for awhile in the forestland. I'm not sure where you are in Texas, but it wasn't too far from Dallas/Ft Worth anyway.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by EdithKeeler »

Ella, thanks for the update. Sounds like you’ve lived a lot of life in the last couple of years. As others have said, lots of people are/were WAY further behind at your age. Time can heal a lot with respect to money, as long as we recognize our mistakes and don’t keep making them.

As to the bipolar, I’m sorry you have that going on in your life. Your story sounds much like one of my best friends. She was diagnosed with bipolar around age 27 or so. She went thru a rough time, then got on meds. She had some of the same issues you describe, just felt flat, had trouble with certain old activities, etc. She went off her meds, had a fling with her boss, dumped her husband and quit her job. Then she got back in some different meds that were more tolerable and didn’t leave her so “flat,” she she wasn’t as tempted to stop taking them. She’s doing great now and has for years.

Keep talking to your doc about the best drug combo for you. Psych drugs take a lot of tinkering sometimes to get them right, so be sure you have a doctor who is listening to you and who’s willing to see if something may work better. And as time goes on, even with no changes to your drugs, you may find reading easier, etc. so don’t quit trying if it’s something you really love.

And don’t wait two years again to update your journal!! 😁. And—are the bluebonnets blooming yet? That is one of my fond memories of the Metroplex—coming upon a sea of blue in the median or along the interstate.

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I went to the Renaissance Festival this weekend. I can't lie, part of the appeal of ERE to me is the novelty. I like living in a way that is different than the rest of society... I had dreams of becoming a "Renny" when I was younger. There are a group of craftsmen and artists who live bare bones and travel from one Renaissance festival to the next selling their wares or their talents. There is something very communal about it, and very different from modern society. There is a lot of depravity I am sure--drug use, mental illness, the works. But there are also very serious artists who enjoy their lives traveling, alway surrounded by music and friends...

The dream manifests itself in "Roxanne"--a mid western belly dancer with a bad russian accent. She sings Slavic songs and dances to Led Zeppelin with a sword. But this last time she didn't get up from her hurdy-gurdy and I think age is wearing on her. I wonder about this culture as they age. They cannot make enough for any sort of retirement, and I don't know if they even report their income (social security?).

All of my dreams have had that kind of ascetic quality to them--living in a van, living without electricity, living off the grid. It's something I've had to give up in search of stability. And I honestly find, in comparison to my other lifestyle goals, ERE to be a middle path. Not saying it's easy for me or I'm good at it, but compared to the extremities of my goals before, it keeps me "in this world" while still rejecting a lot of what society throws at me.

But I am not good at taking the middle path. I feel repulsed by modern society. I think a lot of the rise of mental illness comes from the seemingly innocuous stresses of modern life. I don't do well with 'normal' people--I've alway been drawn to the margins of society. Yet I was brought up and rooted in a WASPish society. Private school, horses--all of my friends were in the families of doctors and CEOs--and that is the biggest thing holding me back. My mother later developed schizoaffective disorder and we were in many ways marginalized from our previous society--but when I think about safety, happiness, peace--I always think back to the lifestyle of my early childhood, where money wasn't even thought about as it flew in abundance. By the time I was 10, my parents had divorced and I unknowingly began to be a caretaker for my mother as her episodes landed her into yearly psychosis. I think that may be why I rejected the path of my privileged friends, I rebelled from it. And yet still I yearn...

But here I sit, in financial sales, filled with people who value appearances above all else. Whatever mask I do put on isn't applied well. I feel people looking at me strangely as if they can see it peeling off. My mind just doesn't work in the way that these 'normal' people do. It's not even about ERE, I have genuinely no interest in looking the part. No interest in designer things. I don't 'do' my hair in the morning, I don't know how to expertly apply makeup, it takes a lot of work to fake being "peppy" and worse "confident", and I do it poorly. But because of my childhood, in some ways I aspire to have the security and confidence that only comes from living in such a superficial world. The shallows are bright and safe and very unlike the terror that comes with depth. What is depth anyways? Is the fact that I experienced such a strange childhood and now have a mental illness make me more "deep"--only in the ways that I mentioned above. I don't necessarily find depth an attribute. It's something to be explored, but not to live in.

This whole philosophy of ERE is hard for me because instead of being an outright rejection, it uses modern workforce as a tool. A means to an end. In some ways, it feels like the coward's way out. But then I remember how lucky I am, to have this opportunity. To live in a country where I can get my mental health treated, have a job with sick days... Besides, when I used to help people plan for retirement I had too many that had chosen "rejection" as their philosophy and they now regretted. It's much harder to be a van living ski bum in your 50s.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

God, are you sure you're not Gen X? :lol:

Seriously though, you seem be be on good mental footing. Sometimes the dream of a lifestyle is much different than the reality. Since humans are horrible at predicting what will make us happy, it's important to experiment a bit, but keep our foot on the clutch so we can switch gears if things aren't what we assume. I think your observations take all of that into account.

Your individual situation also lends toward the potential of making fairly rash decisions. So it's important to have a few people in your life that know you well, that you can trust implicitly, and who don't have a direct vested interest in your choices (ex someone other than a SO). That way you have people who understand your nature to live on the edge of "normal" or off the middle path, while helping you to not go off half-cocked on every adventure that enters your mind.

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

I've come to accept that medicine does not totally get rid of symptoms, it simply lessens the damage caused by the extremes.

I am in a 'high' state right now. The great thing is that medicine does not let me get so high that I lack insight--I am aware and am taking steps to combat it. The problem with this state is that in my experience I feel an intense unrest and rebellion. Spending money is part of that rebellion, and I spent $150 dollars on restaurants and various things last weekend. I also had an emergency with my dog and had a $650 vet bill.

My stable, loving, understanding boyfriend has been getting under my skin. This is another symptom. I feel the need to escape him. I say this from my "wise mind" because at the moment I feel like he is holding me back, like I could find someone much more inline with my thinking--something who has as grand of plans as I do--but I know these plans are also a symptom. It is very hard because these are not thoughts that you can think away, they are very intense feelings and emotions that are the root of what your brain rationalizes.

My time is spent doing everything I can to combat this episode. I sometimes wonder that this disease is caused from overstimulation and modern life. They did a study where bipolar people went to bed with the sun and woke up with the sun and, well I can't remember the statistics, but there was something like a 30% reduction in episodes. Medicine is needed for moments when life happens and you can't behave perfectly, but exercise, diet, stress all have just as much if not more of an impact than medicine does.Without understanding I had a disease, the last time this happened I broke up with him and moved to CO. I am very happy that I still have the ability to understand what my symptoms are and to actively fight against them. Spending money last weekend may seem bad, but I feel I am at least winning the war. I can't beat myself up too much.

-----
I am extremely confused as to how I want to approach work. It honestly boggles my mind how much effort women have to put into their appearance to be deemed "acceptable"--the people I work with probably spend an hour plus getting ready in the mornings. I know my reputation is not great because it is so hard for me to care. But if I play my cards right, I could be in a job that pays extremely well in the next 5 years.

It's just that it goes against every principle I hold. I'm not a feminist, but I very much hate slathering my face in a mask of makeup and damaging my hair with curling irons and feeling like every part of me is unnatural and dirty. But I do feel the power when I spend time getting ready--the way people look at you, the way they treat you, your own confidence. I am in sales so this all makes sense. Do I become someone that I don't want to be in order to make more money and retire earlier? Or do I be who I "am" and stay in a relatively stress free and easy job that pays me 'enough' but will likely take me 15 years to get where I want? (I'm being realistic, as I have not gotten my spending habits where I want them to be).
----
Spring is here and I've taken my urges to go shopping and spending money and thrown them aside for hiking (sometimes). Well, I don't know if you can call it hiking in Texas. But it is beautiful. Colorado has a sort of awesome terror about it. It caused you to feel insignificant and small. The pine trees seemed an impenetrable forest and unwelcoming. Often, climbing up a rocky mountain in a pine forest there was nothing but the sounds of your feet on the ground and your own breath, and it was a relief to get out of the darkness and weight of the pines.

In Texas, rather than intimidation, you feel like you become a part of nature--like you are brought into it. The tunnels of green of the shade trees and soft grass underneath feel like you're inside nature's artery. Bird-song follows you everywhere. There is no fear of cliffs or cougars. The rustles you hear are nothing more than a deer or a wild turkey. Wildflowers paint vast meadows. Nature in Texas is underrated. I would still like to get back to CO for many reasons--but I am finding happiness here.

https://imgur.com/a/Pmub4Ix

classical_Liberal
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

Love the pics!

NOT spending money is my rebellion. If everyone does it (most do easily pop $150 every weekend for entertainment), how can you see do the same thing as rebellion?

ellarose24
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Re: Ella's Journal

Post by ellarose24 »

My dreams have been taking me to strange places. The other night, I had the most beautiful dream, about income. I had some small business which gave me income without any work, the paycheck simply came. So I spent my days reading, writing, drawing, playing the piano, gardening. It was a nice push in the right direction–I’ve just upped my saving to 50%–I would do more but I’m in desperate need of a new car.

The numbers and restrictions are hard on my soul. However, it should not be about numbers. What do I care if I have 50% 25% 0% 200% of my income? I should live my life the same regardless. Virtue, happiness, I do not think those depend on money. Perhaps gilded power and a sick sort of respect. I even hate to admit I find myself wanting to buy new wardrobes to see my friends, prove that I am doing ‘well’–but what is more important to me? Proving my status, something that would leave me just as soon with a twist of fortune, or being true to myself (with, perhaps, the chance of retiring very, very early?)

It is not as if I live like a pauper, I simply have gotten rid of unnecessary things. Days are filled with making stews, and lounging with Mushka and Kitten, reading, writing in my journal again, and of course work. But even work is tinted with truth now. I enjoy the people I talk to every day, and I am grateful for my opportunity to have the resources to one day truly not think about money. How long will that take? Five, ten years. Those pesky numbers and detailed planning which pain me to do. Perhaps I am not a vagabond like I thought I would be once, but there is still time for that. For now, it is finding truth where I am, and living close to it.

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