November, 2015
I transitioned from employee to non-employed person in mid-November, 2015. These notes were written at various times in the month. There are some self-contradictory statements because of my different mental state at different times.
Camper Van
As expected, I have moved from one obsession to another, from backpacking to van camping. At this point in mid-November, the van is ready and equipped to take a trip. Buying and preparing the van is a money sink but it offers the ability to move cross country without needing hotels, and provides a comfortable home when parked in the wilderness or a parking lot.
The Adventure-Security Cycle
I seem to be someone who is constantly planning and preparing for adventures, which often turn out to be extremely short excursions (if I ever go on the adventure at all). I could blame it on being full time employed, which leaves me with little time to do what I want to do and a lot of desire to do something, anything different.
An adventure is an escape from routine and monotony. During the adventure, experiencing adverse conditions, one's thoughts may turn to seeking of comfort and security. This sets up a pendulum of adventurous planning at home, adventure plan execution and then running back to sit by the woodstove at home. At home, the monotony drives one to imagine and plan great acts of endurance and adventure. Out in the wild, faced with danger and discomfort, a warm bed at home looks very good. A never ending cycle?
With this history, committing to a 3 to 4 month van trip is somewhat disconcerting.
The Path Untraveled
Every choice leaves an infinite number of possibilities unchosen. How do you define success in selecting the path? Is it better to accept that fate is in control, rather than question one's every decision? Make big plans then let fate and synchronicity take over the details? Or perhaps do nothing, because if you did something, it might be wrong?
For many years I have been part of an organization where big decisions are made by others, and the decisions that I have made have been part of a bigger plan of action. My decisions have always been up for scrutiny and approval by groups of people, because their impact was on large numbers of people. My life and time were regulated by code of ethics, organization rules, expectations of others, schedules and calendars. I had a limited amount of time to do what I wanted, and even this time was influenced by what I thought that others thought that I should do in my leisure. I was unsatisfied with what I did with my free time.
Upon leaving the organization, my decisions are now impacting only my wife and I. The weight of deciding what to do is upon us. The potential choices and options of what to do with one's time are almost infinite. The decisions are just as crucial, as they determine how we will develop our lives and find satisfaction in our remaining time. The freedom that occurs upon leaving an organization and taking control of ones time is somewhat daunting because personal responsibility increases and failure directly impacts one's life.
In the organization, it was easy to blame my personal lack of dream follow-through on lack of time, job stress or something other than my own laziness. In fact, I have been wearing the ruby slippers the whole time, and could easily have freed my mind by making a decision and taking action. Instead, I huddled behind an excuse that something else was holding me back. Now, with no organization to blame, I know it was really just laziness that kept me from accomplishing dreams that I had desired.
Be brave. Go boldly as you move through the atmosphere. Do not second guess decisions. Do not regret decisions that are rescinded and replaced by other options. Go with the flow, bend with the wind, roll with the punches. Continue to consider and select the path that leads to the desired destination.
The key to avoiding indecision is keeping a good idea of the destination in mind and constantly testing your situation to see if you are moving in the right direction.
Sauntering
On our van trip, my primal urge will be to drive many hours a day until exhausted. I wish to relearn this behavior to saunter my way along. In other words, travel slowly and stop often along the way to see interesting things, talk to people, ask questions, etc. This is an important skill and it takes discipline to stop the vehicle. It is easier to keep on driving.
My strategy is to drive long days in the midwest, and start to slow down in New Mexico. However, if there is snow and cold weather, we will likely keep moving until we find warmer weather. Then I hope to saunter my way along.
Minimalism, Simplification and Creative Destruction
I have a concern regarding reducing and simplifying. As one gets rid of things and expunges bad activities, will one experience a loss of self? Reducing and simplifying leads to removal of ways of thinking that one once may have identified with as part of one's identity. Eliminating things results in elimination of one's way of thinking about acquisition, use and disposal of material objects. But elimination is a process, not the end goal. How does one know where to stop?
In some cases, people define themselves by what they own, its maintenance and methods of using it. Their thought process cpu time is taken up by focus on material things and activities surrounding those things. Following a path of simplification can result in a loss of identity for those people. This is not a loss of one's whole identity, but of a part of one's identity. This can lead to confusion and disturbing inner chaos, as one searches for familiar thought patterns and behaviors that no longer are valid as the material counterpart is removed.
Often a person's identification with material things is based on what they are taught. Often, people are conditioned by media through advertising and broadcast shows which provide examples for how to consume products. I would offer the premise that thought based on consumption is generally low level thought. I believe that media, marketing and advertising are making a concerted effort to keep people thinking in a low level, material based way of thinking.
There are higher value ways of thinking than consumer driven thought. Creative expression in arts. Social interaction. Science, invention and engineering. Cultural expression. These ways of thinking are available to replace consumer thinking, and are generally more stimulating and satisfying than consumption based thought. The loss of identity and elimination of material focused thought patterns that one may experience when one simplifies one's life may be replaced with new, more complex, higher level patterns of thinking and behavior.
As one simplifies one's life, it can be disturbing to lose known routines and thought patterns. One wonders if simplification can go too far. However, there are many other things that can replace thoughts that revolve around material good ownership and consumption. My hope is that as simplification progresses, it opens up mind time to thoughts that are of a higher value. As a process of simplification develops, it transforms from a process of elimination to a process of seeking high value thoughts and experiences. Behavior and thought focused on social engagement, creativity and self awareness fill the void as one reduces slavish attention to the maintenance of material things.
Then there is the idea that finding satisfaction in simply being (with absense of compulsion to act) is the highest form of thought. Slowing down the inner conversation to reach a level of peace may be the idealist's goal, rather than substituting one type of thought for another. I am not close to reaching that level, but perhaps that level of thought will explain itself as one progresses in self development.
At this point, I must stop writing about these concepts, because they are so far away from my experience that I cannot distinguish them. I am not an ascetic, or even a minimalist. I am just another person living in excess who imagines that life might be improved somehow with less responsibility for material things. I am on a tall steed on top of the highest hill looking across the prairie to the west to see as far as I can, yet the world goes on and on, far past my horizon of vision.
Days of FI
Days 1 and 2 were ecstatic, as if life would be Saturday everyday. On Day 3, I was pleasantly surprised that I was calmed down enough to listen to music and just look out the window, which normally I was too jittery and nervous to do. Days 4 and 5 were under a dark cloud, a storm passed and for some reason I did not feel well, perhaps I ate something bad or had a flu. I avoided people.
The problem when one has no established work responsibilities is that one's feelings tend to move into the front position of thought. When I did not feel well, it became a crisis event. In the past, I would have put the feelings aside, with work responsibilities and discipline in the forefront of my thoughts and priorities. In a non-employed, non-structured environment, my minor aches and pains were loud and in the forefront of my thoughts, and caused me distress, questioning whether I could succeed in “retirement” and whether I would fail in all my aspirations. Silly despair. A self-created crisis. Luckily, I did not make any important decisions during that time.
On Day 6, the sun came out, I had a wonderful walk and life is good again. Crisis averted, but it is frightening how vulnerable one can be to mood changes.
As an FI ninja, my defensive reaction today against the melancholy moods is to create structure for part of my life. Getting outside and walking have proven to be a preventative against sadness. I like to walk in the morning, because it is peaceful and it is a beautiful time of day. So my daily structured behavior is to wake one hour before sunrise, do morning hygiene, make coffee, do morning stretches and exercise, drink a cup, and walk for one to two hours.
Originally, I had hoped to sleep as long as my body wanted, and naturally find a sleep/wake pattern. But I became very frustrated when I tried to follow my “feelings”. I became lazy and in my laziness, did not exercise and began feeling unhealthy and weak because of it. My Day 4 and 5 crisis was a message that I need to change things. Therefore, I will spend the first three hours of my day doing a morning routine that I hope will give me energy for the rest of the day and help prevent laziness and resulting melancholy (Note: this ambitious plan crashed and burned).
Sunday, Day 6, I am living a day that usually ended in sadness that came from knowing that I had to return to work on Monday. Now it is different, I am not going back tomorrow. I have a few minor tasks to do, that is it.
Monday, Day 7, I went about my day, and late in the day was reminded that I usually would be working. I laughed loudly and any thoughts of regret about leaving work were chased away from my mind. I am starting to not care about getting things done in the morning.
Day 14, I am somewhat lazy with exercise and I am sleeping longer. I do not use the alarm clock, instead, I keep an east window uncurtained so the sun can light the room. I get up when the room lights up. When I discuss my old job I get somewhat distressed and depressed, so I avoid the subject. I have had a job offer which I politely sidestepped. I'm pretty happy as long as I don't start thinking about my previous organization. I generally am happy on the days that I get my walking hour in. Lack of daily exercise leads to depression. I am getting my checklists of things done but they are not too ambitious. Even in lazy mode, I am able to get quite a bit done because I have all day to casually get things done. I have time to focus and think, I am generally able to do things with clarity and care.
Another week and we start our van trip, which will be another routine breaker as well as completely changing the surroundings on a daily basis. New places, new people. I will not have internet access except through wifi hotspots. That may help reduce screen time.
Day 20, Took a walk this morning, which makes my mental state good. In fact, I think that the path to happiness starts with a daily walk.
In this log I have written about mundane, simple challenges that everyone faces. The reason that these mundane things are of interest is the transition that is taking place while I write this. I have taken the time to write this to help others who might fear the transition from work to early retirement. I do not plan to continue describing these everyday simple dramas of life, but they are an important part of transition, so here they are.
Daily Routines Which Have Been Challenged This Month
How long should I wear my soft morning clothes (sweat pants, slippers, sweater)? Morning clothes are comfortable but not socially acceptable to be seen in public. Morning clothes are not good when you are working on something in the garden or workshop and might get dirty. My goal is to be dressed in street or work clothes by noon. Ambitious, yes, but I am a disciplined individual. Morning clothes can double as exercise clothes for a morning walk around the track. 10am is a typical time when I dress for the day.
Hygiene: showering versus washbasin. In preparation for van camping, I went for about a week washing myself using a washbasin and washcloth rather than the usual morning shower. The washbasin is a satisfactory alternative to keeping clean, but does not provide the warm massage that a shower does. I suspect that the washbasin is healthier for the skin. The washbasin should be adequate for long term camping.
Shaving: Upon leaving employment, I stopped shaving. The first week of not shaving is typically an itchy, uncomfortable week where one avoids being seen in public looking like a bum, so looking pretty scruffy did not help dealing with transition issues. However, my beard is a symbol of freedom to me now. I may or may not go full Amish with the beard, my wife hates it.
Sleeping pattern, alarm clock or sunlight is the question. Being able to sleep in is a luxury, but like all luxuries, excess can corrupt. This time of year it gets dark shortly after 5pm and light around 7:30am. One might theorize that one should sleep when it is dark, but that is too much time to spend in bed. I am finding that 10pm to 8am is a pattern that I am fitting into (with some variation). I wake several times during the night and might read or think for a while before returning to sleep. Sleeping later than about 9am leads to mental self-punishment for being lazy. No alarm clock is necessary unless I have an appointment. I don't like appointments.
The Three Vices
The three vices that I fear the most are alcohol, reclining chair and screentime. In the first few days of FI, I have spent many hours on the computer, have drank beer about half of the nights, and spend most of my day in the reclining chair (where I am writing this now). I am very disappointed in myself. I am writing this on the laptop, sitting in the recliner while drinking a beer.
Next month, I will be traveling by camper van which will allow me to break from my usual behavior patterns, perhaps toward a better lifestyle.
Present Mind, Future Mind, Past Mind, Dream Mind
The present mind is the human thought that reacts with the current material world surroundings.
The future mind is the planner, scheme maker, good intention dreamer and task giver. The future mind's focus is to change material reality, hopefully in a desired direction.
The past mind is the memory of past experience, often full of pride or regret for things that have happened in the past. It often appears as an angry self-loathing for what one has done or not done in the past. It generally makes the present mind painfully aware of problems, but does not do anything to help one solve those problems.
The dream mind exists in the world of abstract idea and dream, outside of the dimension of time. Often enlightening, but frequently confusing and transient.
Before FI, I was often in the future mind, making plans, preparing for projects, wishing for a different life and imagining what that life might be like in the future. Both work and private life were heavy on future mind activities. There was also present mind activity in accomplishing the plans, but out of dissatisfaction with what I was doing, my thoughts constantly escaped from the present to the future mind.
As I thought about life after FI, I had good intentions to do many interesting things. With that much free time, just imagine how much one could get done! My future mind ramped up the task planning for all that free time.
As a man of FI leisure, my present mind has taken control of my thoughts and actions, and it overpowers the future mind. I have good intentions to wake early and exercise, yet I sleep in late and take it easy. I make lists of things to do, and may get around to doing them eventually. I sit around and relax a lot.
I am fairly productive, I have continued to walk for about an hour every day, which is my main hobby and activity. I get other checklist items done, because I have a lot of time to do them. But my motivation level to fill my day with productive activity is low. I listen to my present mind and my body, which tell me to enjoy relaxing in the early morning, and it overpowers my future mind which has planned an early morning walk at sunrise.
Despite this relaxed attitude toward getting things done, I feel that I am using my time well. My mental state seems to be more coherent and organized, perhaps because it is less stressed and jarred by frenetic life. I am still setting priorities and arranging life in a way that should result in improvement in happiness. My focus is still on simplification of my life, although our plan to go van camping this winter adds some planning and preparation responsibilities as well maintenance of a complex system. Hopefully the result of this effort will be an interesting winter of freedom and adventure.
Days when I get out early and walk an hour are usually good days.
The present mind has overpowered the future mind. Life is much better lived in the present.
Notes from the Essene Gospel of Peace:
Fast. Go and fast alone, show your fasting to no man. Put off your shoes and clothing and allow the air to embrace your body. Seek the fresh air of the forests and fields. Put off your shoes and clothing and cast yourselves into the water. Take an enema regularly. Put off your shoes and clothing and allow sunlight to embrace your body.
Love one another. Do not kill animals or eat them.
Eat herb bearing seed, tree bearing seed, green herb, milk, fruit, grain, grasses, honey. Eat living food, do not eat that which fire, frost or water has destroyed. Don't heat your food hotter than your own blood. Sprout grain, crush it, make thin wafers and dry them in the sun, turning them. Don't cook food, don't mix foods together. Be content with two or three sorts of food. Do not eat to fullness, only eat to two thirds full. Eat at noon and sunset only. Eat what is ripe and in season, from your own trees, not from other lands. Eat each in their month of harvest: barley, wheat, wheat wafers, grapes, grape juice, figs, sun dried figs and almonds. Eat dried figs and almonds in the months when trees bear no fruit. Eat herbs and milk.
Breathe long and deeply while eating. Chew your food well. Eat slowly. Do not eat in sorrow, anger or without desire. Only eat when you are hungry. Fast on every seventh day.
Wake with the sun. Do not sleep during the day. Do not remain awake at night.
Do not drink alcohol. Do not smoke.
Shun all that is too hot and too cold.
Be at peace with others. Be at peace with the earth. Be at peace with the heavens.
http://www.spiritual-minds.com/religion ... Peace1.pdf
Note: I believe this document to have been written in modern times, as if it were from ancient documents. I am not a practitioner of this gospel. I am a meat eating, alcohol drinking backslider, yet I do have good intentions. My first suspicion is that I find it hard to believe that an ancient writer would promote enemas using the name of Jesus. Another suspicion is that the “translator” went on to write more books and eventually form a cultish health club and religious organization, all based on the original “translation,” making the translation seem like a self-serving forgery. If anyone ever finds the original document that the translation was taken from, I will recant my accusation of forgery, however at the moment I do not believe that this is an ancient text written by Essenes.
Having said that, there is some good advice and assistance for those seeking a more peaceful life. The diet plan is likely more suited to a short term cure than a permanent diet, but moving in the direction that the writer recommends is certainly a good thing.
Reading
Maps
Nag Hammadi
Transition Part Two: Travel
I have eliminated television media from my life for a number of years. There is an entire culture and history happening in media focused society that I am unaware of and uninfluenced by. Media culture is a self-referencing castle in the clouds. Media has very little traction to influence my personal behavior, although it has a great deal of power at the level of society.
I am no longer a part of a large organization with its rules, customs and schedules.
I am about to travel, taking away familiar landscapes and replacing them with new views every day.
The people that I know will be replaced by new people: all new, all the time (at least at first).
The comfortable familiarity of house and home will not be part of my life. Bye bye, reclining chair.
My high speed internet connection will go silent, I will go without my information addiction for days between hotspots.
In truth, I can always return to my home, and expect to do so eventually. But I do not think that I will be the same person.
The disassembly of the complex facade which surrounds the self will continue.