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Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Thu Jun 06, 2019 1:20 pm
by TopHatFox
@bigato, I'd say the main thing is that it feels like every day is on repeat. It's like I'm in prison or something. Feels like I'm a zombie. Like, sure I choose to be here, but would I if I had more money? No way. It's a huge feeling of stagnancy. I'd like my next transition to have more variety and freedom.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Fri Jun 07, 2019 5:51 pm
by ellarose24
Hi TopHat. You posted on my journal so I'll post on yours. You're right--I see a lot of similarities between the two of us. I too was extremely idealistic as a college grad and eventually had it beat out of me. I have made a lot of impulsive decisions.

There is a lot to be said with "sticking" with something. I say this from experience, changing your goals and your impulses every couple of months/year means you will end up with nothing because you never stuck with something long enough for the goal to happen. Want to thru hike the AT or PCT? Save up and do it. Want to retire by 30? Get a job and save. I haven't followed these rules myself, but I've found what the opposite has done.

I think you need to talk to a therapist and a psychiatrist. Depression and impulsion have been with you since almost day one of your journal. Before antidepressants "triggered" me into bipolar, I was just depressed. This caused a lot of the impulsive behavior and grand plans and dissatisfaction. I mistook it for something that was wrong with my environment, constantly felt the need to change, not realizing it was what was wrong with my brain and/or outlook.

It's funny, my doctor just today talked about my impulses and told me "next time you have one, write it down and do nothing."

The problem is parsing out our true wants/desires and setting those as goals, as opposed to seeing our goals as ways to escape our current misery.

My new goal is to be able to find contentment no matter WHAT my life circumstances are. That is true independence. That is harder than retiring by 30 or hiking the PCT.

Anyways, most of this advice is to myself. But you do remind me a lot of me (although I think you've taken far more adventures, had more courage, and more discipline than I did). But we have the same 'yearning' that needs to be dealt with

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 9:13 am
by TopHatFox
@ella, thanks for visiting and your response. I’m planning on visiting a psychiatrist (already have a therapist) and seeing what my options are. I agree with all you wrote, but how do we deal with the ‘yearning’?

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 11:01 am
by Campitor
You've been struggling with picking a career for a while - I remember repsonding to another thread where you asked the same questions. Perhaps you need to consider the previous advice given in that thread.

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=9543&p=158037&hili ... at#p158037


  1. Define your goal (ERE target amount)
  2. Define the most efficient means/mechanisms to achieve your goal; make a list of several options.
  3. Review each option in step# 2 and determine which is the most efficient and the least expensive in terms of desirability.
  4. Once you've determined what your best choice is (step# 3), determine the walk away cost of your selection: bad boss, too much overtime, short lunch breaks, etc.
  5. Commit to your choice 100% and throw all other options away - burn the boat.
  6. Look for a job that conforms to your list and walk away from the job only if it exceeds the walk away cost defined in step# 4.
  7. Rinse and repeat after leaving a job; its important to keep redefining your list as you learn more about your tolerances and preferences.


...the process or the goal is irrelevant because both are important and both are vulnerable to change in accordance with one's growth and/or circumstances beyond one's control.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Sat Jun 08, 2019 12:25 pm
by Stahlmann
isn't it like goal setting... doesn't work? especially if target is set as living in the void and saving the rest (3k usd) for next 100... eckhm 60 months.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:14 pm
by TopHatFox
Holy shit guys, had a MAJOR realization today. I went in to talk to a psychiatrist, and he prescribed some anti-depressants that I could start taking tomorrow morning if I wanted to go down that path. Still super uncertain about taking anti-depressants, but....

...the major realization is that I've been successful pretty much my whole life, from elementary (gifted), to middle school (HS classes), to high school (taking college/AP classes), to college (fancy college), to finance (fancy job). Once that stopped when I jumped off the success treadmill, it makes sense that I'd get suicidal, because it's been "success or die" for me since the start. Since I haven't been succesful for the past 2 years, the switch has been set to "depression/die." So, what I'm thinking this means is that I need to create a lifestyle that FEELS successful for ME in order to be happy long-term again. Of course I haven't been happy sitting at a desk job, because that doesn't feel like me being successful. It puts my self-concept under fire, and depression ensues until I ultimately quit to try again. It's like my body telling me: "hey, asshole, stop making me do things I don't care about on repeat. Find something else, and until you do, I'll keep telling you if you're off by making you feel like shit emotionally."

So, that means that I need to literally choose a job that I feel strongly about. In other words, a job I identify with and actually genuinely give a shit about. For example, as an:

1. Outdoor Educator
2. Residential Counselor
3. Building tiny houses
4. Therapist
5. And others I've yet to identify

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:50 pm
by 2Birds1Stone
A shrink prescribed anti-depressants after one meeting?

buyer beware

The second paragraph makes sense. Are you successful? How do you define success today?

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:53 pm
by TopHatFox
@2birds, Not after one meeting. That would be sketchy af. I've been seeing a second therapist for a year now, and one before that, so they referred him. I gave him the truth about the past two years, and he said it's something that may be worth trying with care.

As far as whether I feel successful...on the surface, sure. I am now a citizen of one of the most powerful countries in the world, I have my BA from a good school, I've saved almost 100K by 25, I'm getting a Masters degree.

Now, do I feel successful? Hell no, in fact, I feel like I'm literally wasting my life every day. My idea of me being successful is not sitting in a cubicle doing travel or contract paperwork for 8-10 hours per day.

My idea of me being successful is maybe leading outdoor trips, growing fruit trees to sell, mentoring/counseling someone, teaching languages, building a community within a house-hacking home I buy, etc. Maybe if I can stop doing this stuff that makes me feel UN-successful and doing the stuff that makes me feel successful, then the depression/suicidal ideation would go away. It's not that I'm allergic to work, it's that I get depressed/suicidal doing stuff that makes me feel like I'm wasting my life.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:55 pm
by 2Birds1Stone
Ah! That makes much more sense, whew.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 2:45 pm
by Stahlmann
I know guy who left all shit he had in my/his glorious Fatherland and bought 30-50k EUR shed in Italy and is living self-sufficient+small business lifestyle there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtCDW5I9dNs
https://www.facebook.com/Szklany-Zamek- ... 927632663/

in USA it should be much easier to do so (possibility to save something from even potato salary+arbitrage, one language per one country in size of continent, so much land, ability to buy and get delivered everything from amazon/ebay).

now I'm waiting for my 200$ for this advice:lol:
j/k

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 3:12 pm
by Ego
TopHatFox wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2019 1:14 pm
Holy shit guys, had a MAJOR realization today.
Reminds me of The Hoax...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2VIUcuF3KE

You realized it was all a hoax sooner than most. So, what are you going to do about it?

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 3:23 pm
by TopHatFox
I dunno ego...something! That's for sure

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 4:40 pm
by bigato
That's time to give up. You're 25, remember? The age most people seem to have given up. Seriously. Just ditch that "be successful" bulshit already. Be a failure for a change. "Slide".

"Then I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom"

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2019 7:17 pm
by TopHatFox
Thanks Bigato. I think what I’m leaning toward is meaningful seasonal work. I really like variety. I like multiple subjects. I have a base level of assets. I don’t need much to live off of.

So, now that I’m throwing myself off the deep end, or really being forced to by my body, I could, for example, live out of a friend’s converted short bus while tutoring Spanish, doing admissions counseling over internet, and building tiny houses at a friend’s company. Maybe throw in some outdoor trip leading at another friend’s company. I can still save, I no longer have any latent medical issues, and I’ll feel like I’m living aligned with shit I care about.

———

Also gonna try Saint John Wort instead of the SSRI. I really don’t want to take antidepressants

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:33 pm
by chenda
Good luck with the st.johns wort. Fwiw, high dose fish oil tablets have helped my brain somewhat (apologises if you've discussed this at length on previous pages)

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 3:57 pm
by Lemur
@Chenda

Research backs that up (Omega 3 fatty acids = Good for Brain). 1000mg of EPA a day is minimum required to see a benefit. I take 6 fish oil pills daily...

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Tue Jun 11, 2019 4:32 pm
by chenda
@lemur - yes I take 2800 mg per day which gives 1008mg EPA & 756 mg DHA, apparently the ratio is important. They are horrendously expensive but they do seem to help. I've read anidotal stories about life long depression and anxiety been cured, although I suspect these are people who happened to have a major deficiency in fish oil.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:03 am
by TopHatFox
Updates: a close friend of mine/potential partner has a converted bus I could move into in MA, and she's thinking of moving to Portland. As much as I'd like to actually go ahead and make the transition, it sounds like a bad idea financially and career-wise to drop the 9-5 and Masters, to spend time with a woman I care about and move to a whole 'nother expensive city sans parental support with nothing but a BA and a portfolio to fall back on. It'd be different if I had the returns of 150K or 250K to fall back on, but I have less than that, which means failure leads to draining the portfolio and unemployment. /:

On the other side of the coin, having reciprocated love and trying to move to a completely different city than Miami sounds like a much needed reprieve. Same with trying to find a job that's more counseling oriented even with just a BA.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:12 am
by jacob
@THF - Did you ever look at this -> https://www.coolworks.com/ ?
It was recommended previously although maybe not in your threads.

Re: Fox's Journey: And Onto the Sunlight!

Posted: Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:27 pm
by TopHatFox
@Jacob, that's really cool, I may very well use that as a resource!

I reached out to a life coach that went to Smith College (right next to AC) 20 years ago, and talked to them for 40 minutes. I may be able to use their services to get my butt in gear for an unconventional life change. A huge part of the reason why I stay where I am is because I have no real life examples of people living differently successfully.