Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Where are you and where are you going?
7Wannabe5
Posts: 6812
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Jason:

:lol: :!:

Mister Imperceptible
Posts: 1442
Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:18 pm

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Mister Imperceptible »

How about The Purple Rose of Cairo?

Suo do you want your life to be real or to be fantasy?

jacob
Site Admin
Posts: 12966
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:38 pm
Location: USA, Zone 5b, Koppen Dfa, Elev. 620ft, Walkscore 73
Contact:

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by jacob »

Okay, I think this -> viewtopic.php?f=24&t=10966 was a hint to continue the trend of the last ~24 hrs' worth of posts elsewhere.

Jason

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason »

In summation, I would suggest that although having some Interiors moments, the entire work most closely resembled Bananas.

Aspirant
Posts: 67
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:57 am
Location: 65 deg north

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Aspirant »

Don’t get dissuaded by (Finnish) trolls. It was a very insightful post about a topic very close to my situation. Thank you for sharing.

Again I am benefitting from your 1,5 Jacobs of therapy...

suomalainen
Posts: 748
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Next

Post by suomalainen »

1. Separation and divorce is expensive, but still cheaper than the cost of staying in a relationship past its expiration date.

2. Taking the first step of moving out is scary as fuck, but it changes things and you learn a lot through change. Strip away default choices and inertia, and real preferences get revealed awfully quickly. It is truly astonishing to learn that what you formerly were “willing to put up with” becomes “yeah, I can’t affirmatively select that”. The shift in perspective is ... forceful.

3. Changing the status quo results in unexpected follow-on effects. Primary among these is the unanticipated personal learning and growth mentioned above, but the other real surprise is seeing how your (former) partner reacts to this change. It is instructive, mostly because it is not easily predictable.

4. One thing I learned is that cash is king and net worth is really a useless metric in the face of real life. Nobody accepts net worth in exchange for goods and services. Having a lot of cash when you need it to make big changes is huge.

5. In the last two months, I have stayed at 2 different airbnbs, 6 different hotels, a friend’s house, my sister’s condo and at home. My life has been condensed down to fit into 1 suitcase, 1 garment bag, 1 shoulder bag and 1 backpack (plus an assortment of sports equipment). My life’s forced asceticism has been good for me.

6. Kids make everything complicated, and separation/divorce even more so. If you love them, that love forces you to put them first in your dealings with them and your (former) partner, meaning that you learn really quickly just how adult you and your (former) partner can be about navigating the dual minefields of past grievances and future planning. See also #3 above.

7. So what’s next? My old marriage is dead. I cannot predict where all of this change will lead me, other than to say “not back”. My wife and I will move forward together in some capacity, the extent of which remains to be fully determined. But I feel strong. I know myself better. I know my boundaries better, and I know better how to preserve them when tested. I’m more willing to bear natural consequences as opposed to trying to control or manage them. I feel free - free to choose my path, to love those who have been placed on my path, to explore, to learn, to see, to reveal, and, most importantly, to accept. Yeah. I feel strong. I feel good.

Merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

EdithKeeler
Posts: 1070
Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by EdithKeeler »

I’m sorry that your marriage is ending, but I support your decision if it’s best for you. Take care of yourself—even if this is the right thing to do, it’s bound to be stressful.

Jason

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason »

Sorry your marriage shit the bed.

Merry Christmas.

Mister Imperceptible
Posts: 1442
Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:18 pm

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Mister Imperceptible »

Merry Christmas Suo

New Year, New Suo

fingeek
Posts: 148
Joined: Wed May 24, 2017 8:16 am
Location: Wales

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by fingeek »

Sounds like you've made some positive steps in the last few months. Interested in how the forced asceticism is going - will you continue to do this voluntarily I wonder.

I wish you a peaceful festive period too, and best for the coming months

Smashter
Posts: 367
Joined: Sat Nov 12, 2016 8:05 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Smashter »

Glad you're doing what's best for you. Really interested in reading about your further learnings from this situation. You're doing far better than my parents did while going through their divorce. Happy holidays!

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2130
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

The best choices are rarely the easiest choices. I'm so glad you feel agency and freedom, hopefully cool heads will prevail during the separation process. Good luck in this next chapter!

7Wannabe5
Posts: 6812
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Strip away default choices and inertia, and real preferences get revealed awfully quickly. It is truly astonishing to learn that what you formerly were “willing to put up with” becomes “yeah, I can’t affirmatively select that”. The shift in perspective is ... forceful.
the other real surprise is seeing how your (former) partner reacts to this change. It is instructive, mostly because it is not easily predictable.
Yup. Divorce will take you through many of the same emotional states as grief or any other loss, but what the conventional literature on the topic does not always reveal is that you may find yourself joyously dancing around your living room 3 days after your husband moves out. OTOH, I would caution that how your (former) partner is reacting now is not necessarily indication of future behavior. For instance, my ex and I spent sentimental, tearful last afternoon together, met at the bank and very amicably (to the extent that bank manager commented on it) dissolved our joint accounts, made easy arrangements for our 16 and 19 year old kids to go to Dad's apartment up the road whenever they wanted, etc. etc. etc. and then less than 3 months later, he quit his job and took off for parts unknown leaving me holding the bag for all remaining joint responsibilities.

Hristo Botev
Posts: 1108
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:42 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Hristo Botev »

Merry Christmas (belated) and Happy New Year @Suo. I was very happy to see a post from you after such a long absence, even though the post's subject matter sucks. It gets a little lonely here without you, as this Forum suffers from a definite dearth of free-spending, bike-related trauma surviving, 41-year-old big-law refugees with a house full of dependents who constantly think up new and creative ways to run the checking account balance down to $0.

Clarice
Posts: 271
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:45 pm
Location: California

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Clarice »

Hi Suo,
Merry belated Christmas and Happy New Year! Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep posting. I am in a very similar situation, just a few steps behind you. Best of luck!!!

suomalainen
Posts: 748
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

The River

Post by suomalainen »

Thanks to all for their well-wishes.

I closed on a 2-bedroom condo purchase just as my state's covid lockdown started. Since New Year's, I've been staying in an airbnb-ish fully furnished studio apartment a few miles from the house. I've seen the kids almost daily, except for racquetball nights and my off-weekends. On my on-weekends, we've been going snowboarding, which was planned long before the separation blew everything apart. The new condo is a 7 minute walk from the house, meaning it's been easy for the kids and me to walk back and forth. So far, the ex and I are working pretty well together and our interactions are perfectly civil so long as we don't talk about "us", at which point one or the other of us starts to make assumptions or misunderstand or bristle. Such is life. From the time I left the house to the time I closed on my condo was 5 months, during which time I hoped every. single. day. for us to reconcile. The "big picture" of "we'll never do [a trip or something] again" has been really sad, but every daily interaction has been exactly what I wanted it to be - I like not being tangled with my ex in every aspect of our lives. In other words, I was only sad about the whole thing when I stepped back to look at the whole thing, but not when the day-to-day took up the whole of my vision. I have enjoyed my space and I think it has been good for me. and for her. as individuals. As a couple...well, here's a text I recently sent some friends:
I'm closing on my condo on Monday. Setting up a wire for [a large amount of money] really focuses the mind. I'm faced with the daunting reality that I have to let go of [ex] - of the hope that things could change, that we could somehow make it work. I've been holding on to that hope for the last five months (and for years before that), but I just don't know how it could happen if I also 'hold on to myself' (phrase from a book called Passionate Marriage). But letting go, fully and finally, is so sad.
I cried a few times that day, grieving the loss of what will never be, and I felt more at peace.

Just before I moved into the new condo (during an off-weekend), the ex invited me to hike with her and the kids (she probably felt sorry for me since I've been working from home due to covid-19 and haven't seen any human faces other than hers, the kids and a couple of folks at Target at 7am one day). The trail was packed and at one point she and the kids broke off on a shorter loop since the kids were bitching and wanted to cut it short, and I continued on a longer loop alone. I sat by a river alone for a good long while and listened to the river. I was reminded of the ferryman in Siddhartha that spoke about the river speaking to him and of learning from the river. Watching, and listening, I understood that the river takes the path of least resistance, flowing around obstacles instead of insisting on pushing them out of the way, but once the path is chosen, the river cuts deep. This is how I want to be. I want to flow and be flexible, gently pushing on people and situations to try to improve them, but then yielding to any resistance and just going on my way, unconcerned. But where a person or situation yields to me, I want to cut deep.

As an example and one that's been continuous in my life for a few years now, I'm working hard on deepening friendships and connections with those who are receptive to me and to whom I am receptive. A more recent example is my somewhat forced asceticism arising from the separation/living out of a suitcase. This situation has only been exacerbated by the forced work-from-home directive from my company for the last few weeks and the state stay-at-home order layered on top of that. I found myself wanting a supply of food to last me a good long while should the supply chain become brutally disrupted, so I opted for simple, bland, long shelf-life foods - i.e., rice and beans (I also bought a bunch of frozen stuff so I can have bland one meal a day and like a hotpocket for another meal). So, every day now, I've been cooking, eating less, and eating more blandly than I have in a very, very long time, and hand-washing and drying and putting away my dishes. And I feel a certain sense of...not pride really, but of...life. Like I'm really living - pruning back my marital relationship, my work relationships, my food relationships... has left me feeling... natural, like a river. I can adjust to anything that life throws at me because I have no need to maintain these fixed relationships. As a last example, the store closures and germophobia whenever I leave the house have left my new condo in decidedly spare conditions. Although it has been a little challenging to find comfort in an echo-y apartment, it has grown on me. I do still want a few more things to make working from home and hosting my three kids a little more workable and comfortable, but many of these things are pieces that I'm taking from my sister's surplus of furniture, so my start-up costs have so far consisted of some basic kitchen and office supplies. I bought 2 queen beds, bedding, a kitchen table and 4 chairs from the prior owner, all for $300! which has made a world of difference, along with some bean bags, an air mattress, a tv and the old video game consoles from the house.

Put it all together, and what do you have? Separation, moving, my cat died, forced work from home, forced social isolation, new relationships with my kids coming to my new condo (they never came to my rented studio) has meant a lot of change for me. Like a river, constantly moving, constantly changing. Embracing this change, going with the flow, not resisting, allowing things to slowly develop has brought me a sense of purpose and peace such that I have not shrunk from these most recent challenges. Nor have I fully "taken them head on" to try to "solve them". I'm just existing day by day, allowing things to be. Like a river, constantly moving, constantly evolving.

May everyone stay safe in these truly extraordinary times.

Jason

Re: The River

Post by Jason »

suomalainen wrote:
Thu Apr 02, 2020 4:47 pm
my cat died
Suicide?

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2130
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by classical_Liberal »

Great to hear from you Suo! Sounds like you're transitioning as well as anyone could expect given your personal situation and the madness in the world right now. Keep going, it'll be worth it!

Hristo Botev
Posts: 1108
Joined: Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:42 am

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Hristo Botev »

Just saw that you'd posted Suo; good to hear from you and to get the update.

SavingWithBabies
Posts: 670
Joined: Mon Aug 31, 2015 2:50 pm
Location: Midwest, USA

Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by SavingWithBabies »

Glad to hear things are stabilizing. I can somewhat imagine what you've gone through but to actually live that is quite something else. Best wishes.

Post Reply