Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Where are you and where are you going?
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7Wannabe5
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 6:08 pm

@suo@jace:

Great concept! Don't forget we will also be shooting for the AARP crowd, so maybe something like...

"Just one glimpse of her sturdy, pale calves, lightly riddled with varicosities, and Jason was overcome with a rare, yet somehow familiar, feeling of humming excitement, like the insistent "beep-beep-beep" of a metal-detector honing in on a 1985 Diet Pepsi can with the $.05 return deposit marking still intact!"

@Augustus:

With your addition of the IOPOPW factor, we are coming closer to agreement. However, I would note that "Display of Dominance" would be more apt than "Love Making." The first reason would be that the phrase "Love Making" is already connotative of some degree of Emo, so could lead to messy unclear results in the lab. The second reason would be that women tend to be more expansive in their experience of sexuality than men, so there are many ways in which a man could display dominance outside of direct or literal sexual interaction that would qualify as acceptable foreplay for a female. For instance, when J.T. picks up Sandra Dee and throws her into the swimming pool, or when a man places his hand firmly on the small of your back as he escorts you through a door. The third reason is that any overt sexual behavior that a woman interprets as submissive, rather than dominant, will totally change the results of your equation. For instance, if a man says "...and then after I tie you up, maybe you can tie me up? "

Otherwise, I am forced to agree with your conclusions, since I stuck for 3.5 years with a man whose AOTSCGYSO was pretty damn high, but every morning the first thing he said to me was "Good Morning Gorgeous" and we had sex about 7-10X/week. So, I pretty much had to become polyamorous after we broke up, in order to soften the withdrawal.

Clarice
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Clarice » Tue Jul 17, 2018 9:15 pm

Augustus wrote:
Tue Jul 17, 2018 4:29 pm
average unemotional father figure bread winner
@Augustus:

I really like how you've captured that one. It puts me in peace and makes my own tribulations feel more generic and benign - more like common cold or acne and less like cancer. :)

@Suo:

Wow, yours is the most hijacked journal ever! :lol: It apparently resonates with many people. I don't know your attitude toward MBTI, but I've found it very helpful in dealing with personal issues. I love these guys' podcast:

https://personalityhacker.com/

If you can think of personality types of people around you can act accordingly. If you know their (and yours) loops you can counteract them. From what you've shared about your wife (introverted, artistic, kind, somewhat manipulative, "Sorry I care about you", doesn't put the money puzzle peaces into the whole picture,"We can afford it", meaning right here, right now, ended up not working outside the house) I would guess INFP. Often, these very sensitive people have a lot trauma in their histories.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 18, 2018 1:44 pm

@suo:

I got distracted, but since you are obviously such a quick study "self-aware is halfway there", I was going to suggest that you move right along to attempting trust exercise with your DW in order to increase your emotional attachment. For instance, sit on the side of your bed and have her straddle you, then practice drop and catch while attempting to maintain eye contact.

Jason
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason » Wed Jul 18, 2018 5:09 pm

We should start a pool as to whether Suo gets laid or divorced tonight.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen » Wed Jul 18, 2018 7:19 pm

Laid 8-)

Jason
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason » Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:37 pm

Good for you. And glad I didn't bet.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen » Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:02 pm

Well, as much as I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my journal the last two weeks, I fear I must once again raise the specter of my jersey shore life for @Jason's amusement.

Much to my chagrin, we had a blowout argument last night, after I thought all was going so well. The trigger was her "catching" me watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver with my almost 14-year old son next to me (I didn't know my 11-year old son was in the other room and could hear the show). I am somewhat mindful of not letting them see/hear the "inappropriate" shows I watch, but given that the topic was sexual harassment and given the platform, I was comfortable that it would be an educational (rather than scintillating) type experience for my son, so notwithstanding the show's typical crassness, I thought why not, he seemed interested.

My dear, dear wife, however, disagreed. The show put up a clip of a 1980's PSA that started "Good ole' sex. What's wrong with it? EVERYTHING when it occurs in the workplace!"

Explosion! "What are you letting DS#1 watch!?!?!" (I later learned it was because she thought she heard from the other room "good oral sex" and she tuned out the next words).

Anyway, crying and tears and yada yada yada, we have different values when it comes to teaching our kids about sex (in sum: religious vs not) and definitely different levels of fear about how exposure to "inappropriate media" will turn them into "sex and/or porn addicts". :shock: Don't ask me how you get from A to B. I was failing at emo:ing and reason had left the building hours earlier. No make-up sex, but no divorce either, so I'll give myself a C+ for the evening.

Then, this morning I text "you ok? we ok?" and all I get is a thumbs up emoji. Then, I get this text this afternoon: "Can we discuss at some point putting some money toward updating some furnishings in this house since we will be staying here. I'm thinking things like replacing the teal dining room chairs that the cats have torn to shreds and a new living room rug."

Now...this is a trap, right? Putting aside that replacing pre-worn-cat-chairs for soon-to-be-worn-cat-chairs doesn't make any sense...I shouldn't say that, right? I should just say "yes dear" and ignore my brain?

Mister Imperceptible
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Mister Imperceptible » Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:19 pm

“Buy me some furniture to atone for the guilt!”

LOL

Jason
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason » Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:26 pm

I picture a tiny ATM where your ballsack used to be.

Stahlmann
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Stahlmann » Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:26 pm

Erm... I bet your sons know a lot about pornography.

Sorry for bursting your bubble.

Augustus
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Augustus » Tue Jul 31, 2018 7:15 pm

Water plant and have sex, then discuss. Say nothing cruel until your ratios have improved. No utility in saying anything until she's back on her rocker.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by 2Birds1Stone » Tue Jul 31, 2018 8:01 pm

@Jason, thanks for the mental image.

Clarice
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Clarice » Tue Jul 31, 2018 9:21 pm

suomalainen wrote:
Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:02 pm

Now...this is a trap, right? Putting aside that replacing pre-worn-cat-chairs for soon-to-be-worn-cat-chairs doesn't make any sense...I shouldn't say that, right? I should just say "yes dear" and ignore my brain?
Neah... this is not a a calculated attempt to trap you. That's how I would interpret the situation and play my cards ...
The John Oliver incident and the chairs are connected. They are both about her suffering. She wants the emotional satisfaction, not the furniture. Give it to her. Don't be stingy. Acknowledge with kindness and self-deprecating humor her suffering of living with a coocoo who lets the kids watch porn and makes his family live in a squalor with these disgusting cat-torn teal chairs. The next move is a tricky one. Talking to your wife about a $3,000 CD account at 3% APY and a life span of cats will probably not work. Talk to her about your experiences of sitting at the office (or whatever it is that you do) day in and day out and thinking about the beauty of FI. Tell her that she is very important to the success of your dream. Then play for time, let's say, buying chairs when the cat dies and the kids leave for college.
Best of luck!
Last edited by Clarice on Wed Aug 01, 2018 8:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jason
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason » Wed Aug 01, 2018 5:41 am

suomalainen wrote:
Tue Jul 31, 2018 4:02 pm
for @Jason's amusement.
It's the next morning and I'm still laughing at this shit. Cock blocked in the name of John Oliver until he refurnishes the entire home. I'd cancel all three (yes 3) of my streaming services for a live cam of your living room.

C+? It's like watching a chess game between Gary Kasparov and someone who doesn't know that they are playing chess against Gary Kasparov.

Please, do not stop blogging.

jennypenny
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by jennypenny » Wed Aug 01, 2018 6:49 am

Wow, she's good.

Can't you just laugh off stuff like that and call her out on it in a light-hearted way? I would have chuckled while saying 'We're not buying new furniture because you think I want our son to be a sex fiend." Let the air out of the situation ... you guys seem so serious all the time. If I'd questioned DH about watching John Oliver with our boys, he wouldn't have bothered arguing with me. He'd have told me to go back to watching the Golden Girls and ignored anything else I said. :lol:

Jason
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by Jason » Wed Aug 01, 2018 7:30 am

Thank God Charlie Rose got kicked off the air or he'd be working on plans for an extension.

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen » Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:20 am

@jace if that's where the ATM is, where's the money come out? :shock: That dirty, dirty money.

@clarice just for the record, in case DCFS is monitoring, I don't let my tween kids watch porn. We're talking SNL and John Oliver and comedians who make "adult jokes". There's also apparently a concern if I watch something like Westworld or GOT in a semi-public place where the kids might catch a glimpse of some boobies.

@jp yeah, usually, but she was LIVID. It came out of nowhere. She's not what you would call "self-aware". I'm just sitting there watching a dumb TV show and BOOM, all hell breaks loose. After a few hours of "conversation", I can finally tease out that she doesn't really give a shit about John Oliver, she's worried about our value differences and (my words) doesn't trust me to teach our kids "good values" because she thinks my values suck, being a heathen and all. I laugh off all kinds of dumb stuff, but religion and ERE (especially how they impact the kids) are the two most sensitive topics in our house and usually 17 years of emotions get triggered by some small thing but it's not immediately obvious to me and she can't work through her own emotions to be able to draw the line for me from A to B. It's just 'YOU MOTHERFUCKER, YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING RUIN OUR CHILDREN WITH YOUR GODDAMN HEATHEN WAYS"* right out the gate. I'm so confused, I go the rational route - "Listen, I have no idea WTF is going on, can you help me understand", so that I can't "go all emo" with her because I literally have no fucking clue what is happening. She's got this whole goddamn drama playing in her head from the time I didn't hold the door open for her on our first date to how I stopped believing in god to how I watch all kinds of "inappropriate" shows to letting the 14 year old watch with me to him becoming a sex addict and his soul rotting in hell for all eternity. Split screen to homer simpson just watching a fucking tv show. Now merge the screens into one scene. By the time I understand (and actually her too), we're both so emotionally exhausted that all I can manage is "I can understand how our value differences can be challenging when we're trying to find common ground in how to parent our children. I'm sorry that it's hard for you. It's hard for me too."

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Stay single, my young friends. Stay single.

Anyway.

To loop in the prior conversation about my failings as a man, I think it's time we go back on a budget. I'll use the not-moving (which, actually, also was turned into a religious fight**) / furniture discussion as a jumping off point, to be delayed until she's "back on her rocker"***. But my goal is for us to settle on a number (72k/yr we did for 5 years before the last 2, so that should be easy to agree on, but maybe I can get it down to 60k/yr?) and I'll be satisfied with that and if she can save money from the food or whatever budget to buy her chairs, whatever.

* I may be paraphrasing.

** No, I'm not kidding. Maybe you religious folk here could empathize with her (nothing "felt right" spiritually), but to me she's just INFPeeing all over the place.

*** I love Augustus' verbiage on these matters. It's so condescending (to women) yet comfortingly empathetic, so it's somehow not offensive. Maybe the ladies would disagree.

George the original one
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by George the original one » Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:47 am

*Too* *much* *drama*.

Glad I married the gal I did, even if she does snore too loudly.

jennypenny
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by jennypenny » Wed Aug 01, 2018 9:52 am

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, or how to deal with that. We're kind of free-range parents even though we're Catholic and the kids go to Catholic school, so we simply acknowledge (to each other and the kids) when we have a difference of opinion wrt to a parenting issue and negotiate between the three of us (having a kid in the discussion forces us to be civil). But I've never been naive or a bible thumper with my kids, so we don't have those kinds of disagreements.

As far as the budget, I suggest using the word 'allotment' instead of 'allowance' where possible. You could always tell her to get her own checking account, put money in it every month, and let her spend it how she wants. I rarely like that setup, but I agree that she's got you by the balls and you need to separate the money stuff from everything else. You shouldn't have to pay her to be happy, but at this point maybe it's worth it if you're not interested in leaving. (I'd never be able to tolerate that indefinitely ... my hat's off to you.)

suomalainen
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Re: Suomalaisen Päiväkirja

Post by suomalainen » Wed Aug 01, 2018 11:25 am

@gtoo She's great in many ways, but the inability to get out of her own emotional way has been a challenge from time to time.

@jp Mixed faith marriage. Not much I can (or want to) do at this point other than work through these entanglements when they occasionally happen.

It is, however, fascinating to read people's reactions to my attempts at describing slices of my life. Like a funhouse mirror, you start to see things about yourself in ways that you never could have seen by yourself. Even if some of the reflections are exaggerations of reality, they can be instructive. Or at least humorous.

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