Egg's journal

[Egg]

Quite an unusual month for us. We moved house for the new job, which means we'll be burning through an extra almost £1k per month in rent on the new place, and of course there were various moving costs (around £400 to shift our stuff - I hired a van and drove it myself but spent quite a lot on fuel and a bit on motorway coffee) and a deposit to put down (a little over £1k).

Hope to claw some of the monthly cost back by renting out the old house (would rent for around £750-800pcm) but will really feel the pain of a 40% marginal income tax rate as/when that happens.

In the short term, this promotion will be cashflow negative to the tune of a few hundred pounds per month, but is already roughly neutral for net worth when including higher pension contributions and student loan repayment, and will turn cashflow positive if we can get the old house rented in, say, 2 months' time.

So in short, we've stood roughly still on finances this month.

There is plenty to be happy about though. The new neighbourhood feels much nicer than the old one - in particular we're close to parks and stuff, and the air quality is much better. We also have a bit more space - around 950 square feet - as a slight future proofing against our second baby which we're expecting in December (I don't think I even mentioned this before - it's the pessimist in me that wants to see a pregnancy 'stick' before I let myself get too excited). So yeah, life continues to treat our family well.

[Egg]

New job has proven pretty tough so far. I'm learning a lot. Whether or not the stuff I'm learning about is worth knowing is another question, but the feeling of coming to terms with something new and hard (well, hard for me) is one that I enjoy, albeit in a grimly perverse way.

The downside is less time/energy for the family. By the time I get home I'm exhausted, and I know I will likely burn out of I keep this up very long. Of course, I'm an unreliable narrator of my own life - doubly so when I'm being slightly careful about what I write online - but I think I've developed a degree of addiction to the salaryman grind since starting this journal.

[Egg]

Wherever you go, there you are.

Yes indeed. Fuck.

Taking some leave this week. Had really been feeling under the cosh at work these past weeks -- entirely self-inflicted. Somewhat regretting moving the whole family halfway across the country for negligible financial benefit, nor indeed any other real benefit to them, and as far as I can tell largely because of my own status-seeking dysfunctionality. Hey ho; not much point in that regret, of course, but I hope I remember it next time I get the bright idea of chasing promotion at the very edge of my capabilities/experience. Wife is very supportive about everything, but in retrospect it was a selfish move.

[Egg]

In a classic case of "well that escalated quickly" I realised that my assertion of no point in regret wasn't really accurate. I have since discussed with my wife and agreed in principle to hand in my (3 month) notice by the end of this week. We're tied into another 9 months of relatively expensive rental lease in a town we don't have any reason to stay in except my job, but even if the landlord holds us to that contract, we have enough money to last a couple of years with zero work once we move back into our own paid-off house.

That means a couple of years to either:

1) Be around the kids and actually do some active fathering, bum around a bit, try to get some more casual work if possible, maybe travel a little, and see how that lifestyle suits and how quickly it burns through savings (possibly not at all with enough casual work).

Or

2) Apply for something I've quietly fancied for a while which pays relatively shit - a 2 year software development apprenticeship - and see how that goes if I get accepted onto it.

It's scary as fuck for me to contemplate quitting a job but I can also see that if I don't, I may never get off the treadmill of empty ambition.

Any thoughts welcome.

[ertyu]

both 1 and 2 sound awesome to me, looks like a win-win whichever way things shake out.

As for regret, no reason to wallow in it as long as you learned something, and it looks like you did. Enjoy, whichever way things pan out!

[Egg]

both 1 and 2 sound awesome to me, looks like a win-win whichever way things shake out.

As for regret, no reason to wallow in it as long as you learned something, and it looks like you did. Enjoy, whichever way things pan out!

Thanks, yeah I generally agree. The only "lose" is if I either:

1) Can't get over myself and the loss of the social status aspect of work.
2) We run out of money and I or my wife can't get a job that covers the bills.
3) I have to do something really onerous/ unpleasant full-time to keep the family financially afloat, that is less fun than my current job.
4) Once I start hanging out more with the wife, I realise we actually hate each other, we get divorced, I pay expensive child maintenance for ever, and she elopes to Mexico to marry my best friend.

Okay, I'll stop before my mind starts running off any further...

As to regret, yeah I probably sound melodramatic on the thread, but I don't think I'm actually too bad for wallowing irl. Can't think of any regrets that keep me awake at night, and I must have made some bad calls over 30 years. The bliss of poor memory, perhaps!

[ertyu]

2 and 3 don't depend on you, but for 1), you seem like you'll be fine. In the post above, you already say you realized status seeking through the current job/move was a fool's errand. This means that even if the loss of status starts to get to you, you would be conscious of what is happening and would deal with it instead of being reactively unconscious and acting out to compensate for the loss of ego. 4) sounds like it won't be an issue for the same reason - you sound like you'd be on the lookout for it and will not take it personally and address it.

[Biscuits and Gravy]

Hey, Egg, skimmed through your journal a bit and read your last few posts. Props to recognizing and deciding to jump off the empty ambition treadmill, that takes bravery, especially with another Mini-Egg on the way. Option 1 has the downsides of a hole in your resume (speaking as a drone salaryman myself) plus the draw-down on your savings, but the upsides of enjoying the first few years of your Mini-Eggs' little baby lives and (I'm assuming here, sorry if I'm wrong) shouldering some of your wife's burden of being the primary caretaker. Option 2 sounds cool, too, and no better time than the present to try something new, right? Like ertyu said, sounds like you got a win-win. Good on you and good luck with the babies.

[ertyu]

This is a v good point from gravy. It could be staying home with wife will make your guys' relationship stronger just bc she's not the only one stuck with the children all the time, looking forward to you coming home so she can shut herself in a room for 30 min so everyone would stop. fucking. touching her. lol

[Biscuits and Gravy]

It's a tough gig. My husband is the primary caretaker of our kids and I do not envy him in the slightest. When he said he actually wanted to stay home with the kids (and that he enjoys it! mind blown), I thought he was crazy. But, some people are more suited to it.

[Egg]

Thanks ertyu and Biscuits and Gravy. Yeah, I definitely think my wife would appreciate a hand with the babies. Just the one baby right now takes up so much of her time/energy that we were both a bit apprehensive about coping with the second - at least during the early days of both of them being so young. This may be two birds with one stone if the timings work out right. And agree it's a tough gig compared to most office jobs.

I feel increasingly emboldened to go ahead and make this happen having also bounced this off a couple of people offline. It could all go fairly wrong, but I've always liked the following quote from my second-favourite Danish writer, and it feels apposite in this kind of situation:

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself - Kierkegaard

Will chat to the boss tomorrow if I can catch him...

[Egg]

I kinda did it, kinda not. Boss thinks it's my mental health that is at issue here rather than the job per se that is making me feel burnt out and not spend enough time with family (I agree) so he's letting me leave at the end of my notice period if I still feel the same way in a few months, but I have to go see a doctor about my mental health and he will reduce my workload in the interim. If I don't want to go after that, I don't have to. Think that was pretty generous of him.

[Fiddle]

Sounds good either way you go Egg. If you stay they'll be a bit more careful towards you regarding workload and general treatment I imagine as they know you're not afraid to hit the eject button.
If you leave, you'll have the time to be present with your young family without the stresses of demanding work.

When I had a similar situation I negotiated the 5day week office based role into working from home and part time 3 days a week. I still walked away, as I really knew my heart wasn't in it- I was super burned out, and i personally had a bigger calling to spend time with my little children.

[Egg]

When I had a similar situation I negotiated the 5day week office based role into working from home and part time 3 days a week. I still walked away, as I really knew my heart wasn't in it- I was super burned out, and i personally had a bigger calling to spend time with my little children.

Hey Fiddle. Thanks for your comment. I agree that it will make them think harder about my workload, albeit at the cost of some respect - not because of the mental health issues per se, but just because I went from 0-100 without checking in with the boss on the way.

Sounds like you made a pretty good call to focus on the parenting. I'm tending that way too, even though I've felt weirdly great at work this week (and sort of believe in what we're doing, at least 70-80%). I could imagine doing something similar to you and dropping out for a while, only to come back to a similar type of work at a more junior grade. Particularly because I recognise management as one of the things I don't really enjoy now the novelty has worn off - and management comes with the territory for all but the most junior staff.

About to start medication which I think will even out some of my wild mood swings. Also experimenting with:

- Gratitude
- Mood journalling
- Meditation in the mornings
- Cold showers
- CBT (on waiting list)

[guitarplayer]

I'm rooting for you Egg!

Recalling your journal, I think you are imaginative enough to find a way to make money (and probably lots of it) later on when desired, if deciding to quit the current one in ~3 months. And you have a house that is paid off, I think the situation where you'd struggle with money would be very unlikely.

It would be a great lifestyle change though!

[ertyu]

I dislike CBT with extreme prejudice but I’m looking forward to seeing if any of the other things make a difference for you

[Fiddle]

Hey Egg,

Sounds like you've got some ideas to help you during the next few months.

Good luck and go easy on yourself.

[Lemur]

This last page was interesting. It reminded me of the life change post COVID where I started working from home daily. Funny enough my marriage has gotten much stronger since. Before ...home was just a place I came home to eat and sleep...not much energy to manage my toddler. Now that I am home, I can balance my son with my spouse whom previously did it on her own while running a home business. Everything is just so much better...I get to see my son, I get to see the pride of my wife and I both ‘hustling’ and saving money together, I get better sleep. May your experience be the same. I would trade no amount of promotion or money to leave this situation...well maybe I would but it would take a LOT of golden nuggets.

[Egg]

General update

Voluntary unemployment beckons! I did try the job for a while longer, and kept a fairly open mind about sticking at it (my boss really is great) but I'll be finishing less than a month from now. The only question that remains is whether I'll be allowed to keep the door slightly open to return, as my boss has applied for me to go on 2 years' unpaid leave, instead of actually having to resign. That would mean I could come back more easily in future - and I think I probably will try to do that in around 12-18 months' time, albeit probably seeking to optimise for 'fun'/interest rather than grade/salary - but will leave next month either way. I guess I'm seeing it as a career break/sabbatical for now more so than full-on career hari-kari.

Replies to commenters

I dislike CBT with extreme prejudice but I’m looking forward to seeing if any of the other things make a difference for you

Ha, well honestly anti-anxiety pills have had the most tangible and immediate effect. I wasn't really expecting them to make me feel better - just duller inside - but it's a much sharper difference than I anticipated. In terms of the longer-term things, early indications are that meditation seems to sit well with me, as do cold showers. Journalling, affirmations, gratitude less so. CBT - we'll find out, but I was referred to an online course which has been no great shakes so far.

Hey Egg,

Sounds like you've got some ideas to help you during the next few months.

Good luck and go easy on yourself.

Thanks, Fiddle. Will do!

This last page was interesting. It reminded me of the life change post COVID where I started working from home daily. Funny enough my marriage has gotten much stronger since. Before ...home was just a place I came home to eat and sleep...not much energy to manage my toddler. Now that I am home, I can balance my son with my spouse whom previously did it on her own while running a home business. Everything is just so much better...I get to see my son, I get to see the pride of my wife and I both ‘hustling’ and saving money together, I get better sleep. May your experience be the same. I would trade no amount of promotion or money to leave this situation...well maybe I would but it would take a LOT of golden nuggets.

Ah, I'd had quite a bit of opportunity to work from home even before COVID, but agree it is great its own way. I used to mix wfh and mega-commuting (meetings in either London or internationally, both of which took hours to get to) so the main benefit to me has been dropping the commute to meetings part. Really looking forward to actually spending a decent amount of 'quality' time with wife and kid(s) without distraction of being online/thinking about work, though. Thanks for the comment.

I'm rooting for you Egg!

Recalling your journal, I think you are imaginative enough to find a way to make money (and probably lots of it) later on when desired, if deciding to quit the current one in ~3 months. And you have a house that is paid off, I think the situation where you'd struggle with money would be very unlikely.

It would be a great lifestyle change though!

Thanks for the support and vote of confidence I'm not sure being a public sector employee is the height of financial imagination, but agree we should all be okay financially, touch wood.

[Egg]

My 2 year career break has been approved. Casual work tolerated but I'd have to resign if I got any other permanent job. Feels like a win to me. Most of the paid things I wanted to try out are quite casual in nature anyway (I didn't get accepted for the software apprenticeship incidentally), and parenting is exactly the sort of thing career breaks are designed for. On the other hand, keeps the door open on a fairly pleasant/interesting career, potentially returning part time and/or at more junior level.

Was moved by something I saw on this forum about most people being unproductive without electricity. Recognised my own electric-dependent skill set there. I think alongside parenting, therefore, one goal for the coming period ought to be to build some kind of practical/manual skills. This would combine nicely with the legitimate need to do some house maintenance and my wife's desire to upgrade the décor etc.