Egg's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

Unfortunately my last living grandparent died a couple of weeks ago. On the good side, he died peacefully and at a decent age. We were able to go to his funeral, which was also a nice opportunity to see the family (despite undesirable circumstances). It was also the first time I've seen a corpse. Felt weird and surreal, but if nothing else a useful reminder for those of us left of our own limited time on earth.

Although it feels almost crass to mention, I will also inherit my grandad's tools as his kids don't want them, and I hope to honour his memory by making some use of them. He was a very practical man in his younger years.

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

UK new lockdown just been announced. Feeling a bit of cabin fever as a result. Next week is my last week of employment, although I'm really hoping COVID doesn't close van hire places, as I already have a hire van booked to move house in a couple of weeks and if we can't move, remaining on the hook for rent here will be a major financial drain whilst unemployed.

A pipe also started leaking in the house we own, between the two levels causing quite a mess whilst we were away. Will need to break through plasterboard ceiling to have a look when I'm next up. For now, I've just isolated the water for the whole house. Wasn't quite the DIY I was hoping for...!

ertyu
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by ertyu »

I also have a shit pipe in the ceiling and i feel you. hope things work out alright

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

Cheers, ertyu. Hope yours works out well too. I suspect I'll find an internal supply pipe has just corroded over time up there. Famous last words, but shouldn't be too much of an issue to fix. Just a bit frustrating that I have to wait all week to finish work before I can head back to the house and take a proper look.

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

And that's a wrap. Now officially an unemployed Egg.

Fiddle
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Fiddle »

Congratulations! Enjoy the liberation and special time with your family:)

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

Fiddle wrote:
Sun Nov 08, 2020 1:42 pm
Congratulations! Enjoy the liberation and special time with your family:)
Thanks, Fiddle. Currently knee deep in boxes from the move back to our house from the rented place. Mostly baby stuff tbh - wife and I still live quite light otherwise.

Fiddle
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Fiddle »

It's quite funny really. The smallest people in our family seem to have the most stuff too, by a long way and they've never bought anything or asked for much. They seem to be stuff magnets!

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

Fiddle wrote:
Tue Nov 17, 2020 3:32 pm
It's quite funny really. The smallest people in our family seem to have the most stuff too, by a long way and they've never bought anything or asked for much. They seem to be stuff magnets!
Yup. And it's continued. I've been throughly un-ERE of late and bought the little man all sorts of stuff :oops:

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Egg »

Quick update. Second baby is here. Sleep is limited, but cool to finally meet him. He had a few health issues, but they look to be resolving.

Also been offered a software developer apprenticeship position to start in late Feb, which kicks off with a 3-month bootcamp (by what seems to be a well respected third party provider). Very tempted and will probably accept.

Also interviewed second-round recently for a junior director-level position halfway across the world. Fancy job title, decent pay and benefits etc. etc. but I sense this one's probably not for me. Would give it serious thought if offered though. Very different from the software option but living abroad is always fun.

Fiddle
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Fiddle »

Congratulations on baby number 2's arrival!

Western Red Cedar
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Re: Egg's journal (or "Dude, Where's my Job")

Post by Western Red Cedar »

@Egg - I just read through your journal this weekend. Congratulations on the new addition to the family and the break from work! It's great to see people's journey over multiple years. Keep us posted as things progress.

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by Egg »

Thanks @Fiddle, @WRC!

Initially, I had a bit of a tough time with second kid psychologically. The emotional connection just wasn't there from Day 1 in the way that it was with our first. I only dare admit that because I've finally come to feel affection for the litte fella now he can smile. Also been fucking knackering having two babies. So glad I took these last few months off work!

On same kiddo theme, a bit of an ERE self-torpedo, but we're putting the older one in nursery part time for the sake of our sanity and also to help him develop (COVID lockdown means he's currently having a really weird, limited first couple of years). A little under £600 for that per month means our savings rate will likely be marginally negative for a while, not including any investment returns.

In other news, I did accept the software job and am about to start. The other job never got back to me either way after I did my second interview, which I thought was a bit shit of them. Otoh, I was quite ambivalent about that other one anyway, and seeing as kids still feel like a bit of an uphill struggle, it doesn't feel like the right time to go balls out on any kind of high-powered work.

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by Egg »

Just clocked that LivingAFI has posted a mega update, which reminded me to update my own journal:

https://livingafi.com/2021/03/17/the-20 ... nt-update/

Kinda like an ERE forum journal, but all in one post. We don't hear enough about the post-FI life imho. Found it a super resonant post.

As to my own life, mostly pretty good right now, but I'm going to need to consider whether or not ERE is the right place to keep journaling, since I've fallen off the wagon financially, and don't really have much interest in getting back on for the foreseeable future unless it's by getting back to a moderate-high earnings level.

In no particular order:

- Software is the most fun I've ever had at work in my career to date. Will it last? I dunno. But right now, loving it.
- Elder kid in nursery and it seems to be helping him come along socially in these weird COVID-y times. Financially horrible, but feels totally worth it.
- I'm going through a golden period of mental health where all of the darkness and bad vibes running round my head just aren't there and haven't been for a good few months. I think it's directly correlated with work stress levels.

Despite all of that good stuff, there is one significant cloud, which is that my wife is having some anxiety/depression/PTSD/self-esteem/not sure exactly what issues. Could be postnatal depression but also could just be wider unresolved issues she's been carrying for years. I really want to help her, but haven't found a way so far. She went to the GP to get some help, on my advice, but this turned out to be a horrible experience. Basically she tried to open up about her emotions and the doctor called social services because she got the wrong end of the stick about some of my wife's figures of speech, and freaked that my wife might be violent with the kids. Social services came round and concluded there was nothing to worry about, thank God, but now my wife won't even go to therapy or get professional help for her mental health because she doesn't trust medical folks to provide the necessary safe space. I'm pretty annoyed with that doctor as I was later told exactly what my wife said to trigger the referral, and it was borderline-autistic to take it literally. I'm sure the doctor thought 'better safe than sorry', but they have no idea how counterproductive it was.

ertyu
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by ertyu »

sounds like a horribly shit experience.

here is what i did this one time that you guys might consider doing. i was enrolled in school in the states at that time and had health insurance. a friend of mine had graduated and was between jobs and had no insurance. i went to the school counselor/psychiatrist and, because i am halfway intelligent, had prepared a story about how i am experiencing [standard symptoms of depression] and how i recognize what this is because i've been here before and how last time i felt like this, [friend's dose] of [friend's prescription med] really made a difference.

i was given a prescription for exactly what i asked for. i had to go for monthly i believe mtgs to renew the prescription, at which i said i felt "better but not completely" -- e.g. "i managed to catch up in x subject but i still find it hard to Y] at which point my prescription got renewed.

i then went to the drug store to fill the prescription and mailed the pills to my friend who needed them to function.

your wife might consider preparing such a standard, safe story -- no one would blink an eye at someone being depressed or having anxiety. She might research what would be expected of her to say and then say it. She would need to go to a different doctor, but in general, most doctors are more than happy to be able to process you and pocket your money, so she should be fine. it's a bit strange to self-prescribe, but consider: this would be essentialy what the doctor would do: they would take what she says, match it to a standard "diagnosis" and set her on the most standard possible ssri prescription. if there are side effects, wife can go back to psychiatrist with another safe prepared story. this approach wouldn't provide your wife with meaningful help for her psychological issues, but might at the very least get her access to a standard antidepressant that would help her get a foothold on things until she decides what to do next.

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Alphaville
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by Alphaville »

Egg wrote:
Fri Mar 19, 2021 6:42 pm
Social services came round and concluded there was nothing to worry about, thank God, but now my wife won't even go to therapy or get professional help for her mental health because she doesn't trust medical folks to provide the necessary safe space. I'm pretty annoyed with that doctor as I was later told exactly what my wife said to trigger the referral, and it was borderline-autistic to take it literally. I'm sure the doctor thought 'better safe than sorry', but they have no idea how counterproductive it was.
sounds like she fell into the hands of an utter idiot, but is there a way to flip things around? by which i mean--place a complaint about the imbecile, and perhaps ask the social services folks if they know where to find a bit of support?

otherwise, for ptsd, look into dbt (dialectical behavior therapy), which is very effective where something like cbt doesn't work, and instead of dispensing judgments it is based on "unconditional acceptance." maybe you can find someone working on this directly, and skip the fools.

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Egg
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by Egg »

Mental health stuff
ertyu wrote:
Sat Mar 20, 2021 5:48 am
sounds like a horribly shit experience.
...
Hey ertyu. Sorry for not acknowledging your post for a while, but thanks for your suggestions. Really appreciate guys like you going out of your way to be helpful on these forums. I guess I neglected to say it, but the doctor did actually prescribe fluoxetine (an SSRI) as well as making the referral to social services. She's been taking those, and I think it's helping a little. Although I'm not on them atm, I've taken a different SSRI myself in the recent past, and I found it somewhat helpful. I would have been tempted by the sort of shenanigans you proposed, though, had it been necessary ;)
Alphaville wrote:
Sat Mar 20, 2021 7:19 am
...by which i mean--place a complaint about the imbecile, and perhaps ask the social services folks if they know where to find a bit of support?
...
otherwise, for ptsd, look into dbt (dialectical behavior therapy)
Likewise sorry for the slow response to your extensive and well-considered suggestions. We didn't make a complaint on the basis that we didn't think it would have any real effect, and would just poke our own wounds further. You're right, though, that the real issue here is how to deal with the underlying issues. A lot of it is to do with an ex who's an on-off stalker e.g. he travelled across the entire continent of Europe and broke into her office to talk to her a few years ago, so we're both legitimately concerned about what he could do esp. now we have kids. We've finally started to get a bit of traction on this with the police, though, and I think the feeling of 'taking back control' that comes with that progress has has helped my wife's mental health. She's having fewer nightmares etc.

DBT was also a good suggestion. She's been attending group DBT sessions, and I do think that's been helpful too - so thanks a lot for suggesting it, because CBT is definitely the 'standard' doctor's recommendation here (I did CBT myself last year and it was okay-but-not-fundamentally-life-changing).

Other stuff

Some good stuff going on elsewhere:

- Kiddo 1 is walking and (sort of) talking. Good effort from him there - I think nursery encouraged him to give it a go sooner than he would have done at home
- Kiddo 2 now has an actual proper personality, and has learnt to communicate things like hunger in a less violent, ear-splitting way, making it much easier to feel affection for him
- My software dev job still in a honeymoon phase where I pinch myself and think how lucky I am basically to be getting paid to learn new stuff that excites me every day. Also getting job offers via my existing network, as well as some cold-approach from recruiters (who don't seem to have clocked how little experience I have tbf), so feels like I could kick up salary if inclined to switch jobs (not planning to leave current role earlier than the end of this year, though - still too much of the basics to learn imo). It's a novel experience actually having fun at work - part of my original pull towards ERE was being a bit meh about paid employment, but maybe I just hadn't found something that suited my personality yet, Who knows.

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Alphaville
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by Alphaville »

Egg wrote:
Sun May 16, 2021 8:14 am
DBT was also a good suggestion. She's been attending group DBT sessions, and I do think that's been helpful too - so thanks a lot for suggesting it, because CBT is definitely the 'standard' doctor's recommendation here (I did CBT myself last year and it was okay-but-not-fundamentally-life-changing).
ah, this is fantastic news! thanks so much for the update. yes, dbt is great. it's not "everything," but it provides a solid basis for other things.

so very sorry to hear about the stalker... wow. i don't know much about those things, but i hope you find a way to remedy the situation and secure your family. all the best with this.

ellarose24
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Re: Egg's journal

Post by ellarose24 »

Hi Egg,

I am deeply touched by your compassion towards your wife while she is going through such a hard time.

I disagree that therapy is the be-all-end-all to treatment. Therapists can often make things WORSE. I do like DBT because it is more of a standardized practice that psychologist/therapists engage in--almost like a script, and passed down from one of the best.

Having a stalker of that nature is absolutely catalyst for trauma. There are many trauma based therapies as well, such as EMDR, which are not standard "talk therapy." I'm glad she's doing well with DBT classes. I think it would be great for her to focus on her trauma as well, however she needs to go about doing that. That has to be hard with 2 little ones.

Best of luck to you and her.

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