2017 July Update
Dull [Lack of] Numbers
I did finally manage to get my June expenses tallied, but haven't completed July yet. I'll update over the weekend. What I can say is that July spending will be relatively high for having picked up another guitar toy. Still have 1-2 more items on my wish list, maybe. But I could call it good now and not feel deprived.
I'll also have to update later on the state of the stash. Ballpark I think invested assets will be up maybe about $8K after I crunch the numbers.
Should wind down on the last big sprint of my professional career in the next ten days. I realize now that I am pretty run down from it. Working like this never fazed me as a younger man, but as my doc likes to remind me, I'm not 25 y.o. any more.
I'm really looking forward to taking a breath and being in a better position to devote more to the day-to-day process of living.
I'm also starting to plan a trip up to my end-of-the-road hideout. With everything involved in the final stages of my mom's illness and her passing, I didn't make it up at all last year, and the side of me hopelessly connected to the Northwoods is needing some attention, haha. Part of it will be occupied with getting a plan finalized for the cabin's "foundation" (pads/piers). But the more I think about it the more days I'm adding to my time up there as play days, although I do want to spend the bulk of my time off back home with family.
The aforementioned winding down of a demanding task at works marks the end of one facet of my career. The same is true for my primary colleague on the job. We mention it frequently, and it's like another layer of the veil between me and future me is being drawn to the side. I've found it interesting how different people respond to me as the end nears, something I might have more to say about at a later time. My thoughts have been more attuned to how I am responding to other people at this same juncture.
Increasingly I find myself categorizing people as either "of the past" or "of the future". (What happened to "of the present"? Need to think more about that.)
For those around me who will ultimately reside in the "of the past" bucket, I'm generally anxious to show as much kindness as I can. Among other things that means I've been accepting more social invitations which add to my overall workload as an introvert (albeit a "high functioning" one). I'm about at my max duty cycle for engaging with the majority-extrovert world, something around 40%, and I can't sustain that indefinitely. Somewhat paradoxically, I can also sense that I'm beginning to pull away from these same people. Creates sort of a dream world vibe.
When it comes to those in the "of the future" bucket I've caught myself starting to reach out more to non-relatives back home I've kept in touch with over the years. I'm not going to throw in the towel completely, but it's not looking likely that friendships which have grown stale are going to be reinvigorated simply by my hanging my hat in closer geographic proximity. I should have, and mostly did, expect that's how it would be.
That will leave me in the dreaded dilemma zone for introverts--having to establish new social ties. And I'll have to do it without the social structure of a job to jumpstart the process. I'll have family to tide me over, which should be sufficient. Like most families, mine has some dysfunction, but for the most part they are good people that I've never felt were an unreasonable burden. However, I will need to branch out considerably as time goes on. This isn't something I worry about, I tend to find friendly relationships in all kinds of ways, it's just a matter of investing a little in some of them so they blossom beyond acquaintanceship. The only real difference compared to past analogous junctures is that I intend to base things more on overlapping interests than in circumstance.
All that has mostly been simmering in the background and this is the first time I've tried to organize the thoughts. More in the foreground events have conspired to make me again keenly aware of my "introvert's curse"--no matter how true my intentions or affections, in time I always wind up hurting people simply because of the deepest wiring of who I am. If I was a stereotype tough guy I suppose I wouldn't care about collateral damage, say the burden is on them to adapt to me, but I'm not really that sort of tough guy, so there it is. Figuring out how to thread the needle will, as always, be a challenging endeavor. And who knows, someday I may get it right!