Too Old To Retire "Young"

[Dream of Freedom]

I am currently carless, but give self driving cars a few generations and I'll be tempted.

[EdithKeeler]

I spent much of my childhood push-starting recalcitrant British Leyland engines.

This made me laugh. My first real boyfriend owned a Triumph Spitfire, circa maybe 1971 or so. Our first real date I ended up pushing it because I didn’t know how to work the clutch. I think I helped push-start that thing more than I actually rode in it!!

[Jason]

I guess the winner of August's car of the month is a foregone conclusion.

[EdithKeeler]

So just random things:

--I've been looking at campers that are tow-able with my new car. I purposely bought something with some towing capacity, and now thinking about buying a (very used, very cheap, very small) camper. I feel like I'm starting to put some pieces together for when I finally quit. Along those lines, I've discovered that most cheap little campers don't have a bathroom. Lack of a shower is no big deal, but being a woman who can't easily stand and pee (though there are devices, I have researched), I have been looking at camping toilets and "wag bags." Surprisingly expensive. Anyway, just another weird thing I was looking at that, if anyone looked at my browser history, they'd be perplexed, at best. I suspect that despite my plans in my head I'd use the camper maybe twice... but still thinking about it.

--Again, I've had occasion lately to marvel at that concept that once you have a good chunk of money, you continue to make money. I mean, I'm not rolling in it nekkid, but I'm surprised how it's starting to accumulate. I've been paying extra on my rental house--the plan is to have that paid off before I quit--and it's just amazing how quickly I'm paying it down now, and how my equity is increasing. I know I sound like I'm bragging, and I don't mean to be. It's just one of those things that I wish I'd paid more attention to when I was younger, because I'd be further along. But right now is still pretty good.

--Since I've decided I want to pay off my rental before I retire, I'm probably NOT on track to retire next year, which was sort of my original-ish plan. I think I technically could, unless everything goes to shit, but now I'm not quite so sure I want to. Working from home has freed up some time and money, and I've frankly been thinking a lot about what I would do if I didn't have work. Oh, sure--I have a ton of interests. I'd teach my self how to play guitar, I'd write that novel, I'd do charity work, I'd... But I also know that I sometimes have a strong preference for laying on the sofa with Netflix and a bag of Cheetoes. And I don't want to waste what I've worked so hard to get to by just lolly-gagging around.

--I've also realized that I really don't want to spend my retirement ALONE. One thing that Covid-19 has really brought home to me is just how ALONE I am. I knew I was getting my social fix at work (and wasn't especially happy about it), but working from home has REALLY made it clear that I need some more social connections. On-again-off-again DBF is mostly off these days, plus he lives so far away, and lately it's been hitting me how OLD he is sometimes. He's less and less inclined to want to DO stuff, and if nothing else, when I retire, there's a bunch of stuff I want to do--travel, etc.

--Still tired of my job. I think it's not the job itself but the politics and relationships around it. The "management theory of the month" gets old--a lot of people in our organization don't have a lot to do right now because of Covid-19--hiring is on hold, so Human Resources is apparently bored--so they've decided now is a GREAT time for training. Never mind that my department is still really busy despite Covid-19, I've had to spend a ton of time in training, for stuff that I will frankly never use.

Anyway. Marching onward.

[Sclass]

These are cheap. I have one Left over from a plumbing disaster.

[horsewoman]

A friendly hint on the "devices" - practice naked in the shower (a lot) before actually using the device out and about... Just sayin....

[Jason]

Yard, car and camper of the month? You're like the Secretariat of your sub-division.

[EdithKeeler]

Yeah, re. the poo and pee buckets... I can just see one of those tipping over when you hit bump while driving, not to mention the smell if you can't rinse immediately. I had been looking at the bags you put in the bucket, that sort of neutralizes things immediately for disposal. But pricey.

As to the devices, horsewoman, i hear ya! One of the best things I ever learned in college was from my ROTC pal, who educated me on me on the best way to pee in the woods--back against a tree, legs splayed out and now less than half the time will I get pee in my sock... a device might help, but I've read some reviews and some are better than others, and practice is key.

[ember]

Regarding these devices, I had the same problem on hiking trips, being urban by nature and unaccustomed to this kind of thing I spent some time researching the various gadgets available but since we typically go to a cafe for breakfast before hiking and I get a coffee to take away, my current solution is to keep the coffee cup and use that. Works well for me!

[EdithKeeler]

I'm making lentils and rice right now, which inspired me to post for the first time in a while. Who can eat lentils without thinking about Jacob? I’m making mujadara. I can’t recall if Jacob technically made that, or put his own spin on it; I love it, but I always make enough fried onions for the whole thing, then spoon them on top of my portion that I’m going to eat, then spoon on some more, and then have to make more fried onions or just eat the rest without.

I am getting closer and closer to being DONE with work. Truly, if it weren't for my mom, I'd give my notice, damn the torpedoes. Unfortunately, my line item of "MOM" in my budget is growing (thankfully most other things are shrinking) and it's hard to see the end there until THE END, you know? And that could be a while. And it makes me sad.

Yes, I could say "NO" to my mom's requests/demands, and I often do, or just wait until she forgets about them. She really doesn't have dementia, though, so her memory is pretty good. The biggest issue right now, of course, is COVID-19. She's been stuck in the nursing home with no visitors since March, which is crazy if you think about it (I mean, I know it's to keep them safe, and I don't disagree with that... it's just this handling of COVID in America has been RIDICULOUS--thank you, Donald Dumbass Trump... but I digress). She’s bored and asks for stuff to help kill the time. Lately I’ve been trying to teach her how to crochet, long distance, without video, so it’s going poorly. Anyway, I haven't seen her in person since March except for 2 brief visits when she was in the hospital back in June, though we talk on the phone daily. But she HATES the food at the nursing home (and I've seen the trays--some are pretty awful) and for a while I was having food occasionally delivered from restaurants (which they allowed). They don't allow me to bring food from my house that I've fixed (though occasionally I sneak some in--the surreptitious turkey handoff to a loyal aide in the darkened parking lot on Thanksgiving is a pretty funny memory… ), so I bring a lot of groceries over. It started with apples and salads (I won't share the bowel stories...getting old really sucks though if you're not healthy) and now it's apples and salads and crackers and cookies and Stouffers dinners and a dozen ice-cream bars a week. She eats a bit like a child... but if that's the only thing that makes you happy that you have available to you, and longevity isn't an issue... why not? Why not except my budget--I'm spending about $100 a week or so on her grocery runs. Which is more than I spend on food for myself.

Still... it's hard to deny your elderly sick mom stuff if you can afford it.

Anyway... that's the only line item in my budget that's really an issue--stuff for my mom, which is not only groceries, but also things like shampoo and lotion and powder and tweezers, and lip gloss and nail polish.... don't be poor and in a nursing home in the US, especially in Tennessee. Her entire income except for $50 goes to the home, and she uses the $50 for a few of her dog expenses (who I'm also keeping most of the time). I've bought a fridge for her room, a cabinet for her groceries, a rack for her clothes.... it's been an expensive year for me. And, like I said, it's hard to draw the line, and my brother is barely supporting himself, so no help there.

But anyway.... I have the money, technically, since I'm working.

I recently took a class that was offered by my alumni association, a "career design fellowship." "Design your Dream Job!" I THOUGHT I'd come to the conclusion that I didn't really want to quit working, that I just wanted to do other work, but what? I figured the fellowship would help me figure it out. Well, I met some interesting people, but came away with NOTHING in terms of how to translate my skills and interests into something else. It was funny, too, because right around the same time I read this story, "The Dream Job is Dead, Long Live the Good Enough Job." https://www.yahoo.com/news/dream-job-de ... 13710.html

The fellowship made me realize that I'm not especially passionate about anything. Well, anything that would earn me money, realistically.

The Fellowship person was concerned because I kept giving mediocre ratings after each class, and kept noting "I don't think it's you, it's me." She suggested that I am depressed, and I very seriously considered that. But I came to the conclusion that I am not. I took an extended vacation over the Thanksgiving holiday, and while it sort of sucked (DBF couldn't come--his parents got COVID, it was just my brother and me for Thanksgiving--except for the parking lot turkey handoff previously mentioned, and I didn't really do anything except take the dogs to the dog park, catch up on a few house chores and read), it was STILL WONDERFUL! I enjoyed the hell out of my vacation at home. I slept in and woke up happy. This past Sunday I was filled with dread and couldn't sleep in advance of work on Monday. Newsflash: I'm not depressed, I just hate my fucking job! Which of course, I've known for a while.

But it's so damn lucrative. I could be a Fed Ex driver or work where my old boss works for $9 an hour (he loves it!). But it would be hard--right now--see Mom discussion above--to give it up just yet. Though, the way things are shrinking, it would not completely surprise me to hear sometime in the near future that they are closing our office and showing me the door. I'm doing a lot of things keeping that possibility in mind, just in case.

Money-wise, really things are fine. My 11 month review of finances shows that my gross assets have increased by about $130K, and my net worth (I include the cash value of my pension in this) has increased by $126K. I incurred a little debt this year--bought a new car--so sue me--and I lent my brother some money to buy a used car for himself, and I’ll probably forgive the rest after a few more payments. I’m nice like that… but I’ll probably regret it if I get that pink slip at work. I’ve been helped this year by the increase in value of my rental house, which I’m thinking about selling. It’s cost me a lot of money this year… but it’s increased in value. I go back and forth all the time on the “keep or sell” question. Right now I’m in the “keep” column again. I feel like I’d be killing the Golden Goose if I sell… but the upkeep on the Goose can be costly.

All in all things are boring, fine but boring. I’ll probably put off my early retirement to the point it’s a normal retirement--heck, I’m about there--I just turned 56--and then I’ll die at my desk and regret not quitting sooner. I know I could quit RIGHT NOW, but only if I can be sure my expenses will be what I think they are. My mom is an x-factor, and the other x-factor is knowing if my living expenses number is REALLY going to be what I think it will be when I quit. I’m not generally spendy… but I CAN BE spendy. And of course the other factor is the cost of health insurance which makes me nervous. My surgery earlier this year and a couple of other health things have made me really think long and hard about that, which is why if I could find something else to do that’s tolerable AND provides health insurance, I might consider doing it.

And really: all of this is the same stuff I’ve been wrestling around with in this journal for years. At least my net worth is growing. My total assets have doubled since 2014 (when I first started keeping really good track), and my net worth has nearly tripled.

So right now my goal is to keep on keeping on as long as I can stand it at work or until something else changes, really focus on my health (I’ve been working on improving my diet, and that’s actually going pretty well, but I definitely need to ramp up the exercise. To that end, I’m strongly considering hiring a personal trainer/health coach--what I really need is someone to be accountable to, rather than someone to focus on my form on pull ups. I’m looking at a few options there. And my writing--I’m 40 pages into something new and I’m really having fun with it. We’ll see where that goes.

[sky]

Covid isolation makes it hard not to be bored, even if you don't have a job. I would cash in and work during the rest of covid, then as things open up and you can get out and do things without fear or restrictions of covid, set yourself free.

[Sclass]

Unfortunately, my line item of "MOM" in my budget is growing (thankfully most other things are shrinking) and it's hard to see the end there until THE END, you know? And that could be a while. And it makes me sad.

--I'm spending about $100 a week or so on her grocery runs. Which is more than I spend on food for myself.

Still... it's hard to deny your elderly sick mom stuff if you can afford it.

I had some really conflicting emotions at my mom’s end of life. It seemed to drag on forever while getting more uncomfortable as we approached final impact.

I am so happy I kept the flow of my mom’s favorites coming up till the point she couldn’t swallow. I have very happy memories of regularly bringing over a special treat and having her say “wow, what is this? It’s so good. Mmmm. I love this.” It was her childhood favorite she’d introduced me to as a kid. Her caregivers said “what is that dessert you always bring, she always finishes it.” It was her favorite. She’d scoop with her hands or bend over her plate like a smiling dog and eat it up. The memory is priceless now.

Hang in there EK. It’s an investment in your future sanity.

[EdithKeeler]

Had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday--he retired early at 60 a couple years ago and is pretty happy. He's got a little part time job he really enjoys for the social and fitness aspects, and on many occasions has commented on how stressful (he used to be in the same field as me) our job is.

So I was a little surprised when I mentioned to him that I'm toying with the idea of maybe retiring next year--2022--and probably late in the year, if I do it at all. And he was like, "Really?? You sure you want to do that??"

I mentioned to my DBF that I'm thinking about it, and he's like, "Whoa, whoa! You sure you want to do that?? You have a great job, you better hang onto that for a while!" (Which hurt my feelings a little bit, since one reason I am thinking about retiring sooner rather than later is because he's OLD and I'd like to spend more time with him and do a little traveling and stuff...).

I mentioned it to my best friend, and all I get from her is "I'll never be able to retire, I hate my job and my life." (She's my best friend and I love her, but I don't have a lot of sympathy because she's goes on about 6 expensive beach vacations a year and spends like a drunken sailor.....).

I don't really talk about this stuff to anyone IRL, other than as noted, but the result was pretty unexpected. I kinda thought I'd get "Wahoo! Go for it!" and I didn't. Not that it matters what others think, but of course that lack of enthusiasm exacerbates my insecurities and hesitation about it, causing me to second guess myself. "Well, maybe I'd better wait...."

Now I have to say, my job situation has gotten SO MUCH BETTER since the first of the year. I lost the piece of it that caused the most stress and took up ALL my time, so I don't sit and obsess about leaving my job like I was off and on last year. It's funny: last year I was unhappy because I was too busy and really stressed; I can see a time coming (not there yet though) where I'm going to be unhappy in my job because I'm bored and don't have enough interesting stuff to do.

So... who knows what I'm going to do. It's nice to have options. I still haven't decided whether to sell my rental house. I have a firm offer from my management company, and it's a decent offer. The advantage, if I take it, is that the fees are a little less and I'd have zero repairs, etc. to do. I think that financially it makes TOTAL sense to sell the house. I'd net about $140K after the sale, and I'm afraid if I hold on to it too long I'll have some pretty expensive repairs to address. There are, however, some sentimental reasons to hold on to the house--frankly, I may want to move back there some day. But the math is really attractive: the proceeds could probably earn 10-15% in a nice index fund, and the house is likely to appreciate only 3-4%, if I'm lucky. Plus the cost of the upkeep, financial and person cost of dealing with tenants..... It totally makes sense to sell it and sell it right about now.

I was musing the other day how different my financial outlook is now versus 5 or 10 years ago. I was thinking about when I first read "Your Money or Your Life" and they talked about getting to the crossover point, and the mental freedom it gave you knowing that if something happened and you couldn't work anymore, you'd be OK, and the freedom you'd feel in your job once you knew you didn't have to stay if you didn't want to. I'm pleased to say that I'm there: financially, I know that if the shit hits the fan, I'll probably still be OK. (That's very important to me because I have a high need for security). Sure, the market could tank and the economy go to total shit, but the worst that would happen would be that I'd be in the same boat as everyone else... but I know I'd be at least OK. Unless looters or zombies get me.

But who knew it'd be a little boring once you hit financial security? Recently I've kind of phased out from worrying about spending, watching investments and phased into sort of nodding my head, playing with FireCalc and thinking "Yep, I'll be OK." And really, have I done anything special? Nope. Just watched the outflow, invested along the way, took advantage of my 401(k) and HSA and stuff like that that. Kinda boring, and now the next frontier, the next adventure phase--that won't be borsing-- is deciding when to quit and what to do when I do. A first world problem I'm happy to have.

[ertyu]

Don't be discouraged. People's reactions to news like yours are usually way more about their projected insecurities than about you. It's a shitty and unsupportive reaction, but even good people have trouble not making things about themselves when it's about something particularly touchy. Congratulations for being able to achieve this milestone, and for having done what you needed to do to be able to say, "yay! i quit!" and move on to the next stage in your life.

[EdithKeeler]

Thought it was about time for a check-in. I thought I’d last checked in on this journal at the end of March, but it turns out it was January! Wow! Time flies when you’re not having any fun…

OK, I am having a little fun. Thankfully Covid appears to be on the wane, I’m all vaxxed up and actually took a brief trip to Texas about a month ago. WOOT! It felt like I’d be let out of jail, and all I did was drive 8 hours, stay the weekend in a hotel, saw a couple of friends, and drive home again. Still--it felt great.


I’ve also had visitors in, including the on-again, off-again DBF, who is currently ON and apparently is moving to my city! I’m kind of in “I’ll believe it when it really happens” mode--things can often change quickly with him--but he’s actually talked to realtors about selling there and buying here. It’s a big move for him, and I’ve tried to encourage him to rent here for a while, or even stay with me, but he feels like living together may not be good for our relationship (I tend to agree with that, although having him here and contributing to the household kitty would ease my early retirement concerns, which I will outline shortly), and he wants to have his own place. He doesn’t want to rent because… well, I don’t really know the reason for that other than he’s said several times he doesn’t want to rent, so… okay.

I’m actually all over the place emotionally about his moving here. Kind of excited--we do get along really well and are excellent “running buddies,” and he tends to be up for anything I suggest, so I know we will have a good time together. It’ll get me out and about more--I like to try new restaurants and stuff, and recently my last close friend in town moved away, so I really don’t have anyone to hang with right now. (We talk a lot around here about Social Capital and the fact is, I have about zero social capital in the bank. I’ve been trying to work on that some, but The Year Of Covid wasn’t great for that. For me). Having DBF here in town makes me nervous, too. I’m not a great “relationship person,” and I worry that he’ll rely on me a bit too much for all the “new in town” stuff. That’s actually OK… I just have been very careful to keep some distance about his whole decision to move here because I don’t want there to be a situation where we get crosswise and it’s “well, you got me to sell everything and move here and now I hate it and it’s all your fault.” He’s 70 years old, so I’m guessing this will be his last big move… and it’s here with me. It feels like a huge responsibility. I keep thinking that, if I get some exciting opportunity to move away, I now have another thing keeping me here besides my mom and brother. I guess I am just resigned to being here for now. And as I write all that I am again reminded how this relationship is a weird combo of high maintenance and low maintenance at the same time and wonder if it’s worth it. He’s a good guy and we mesh in so many ways, but not in all of them.

I’ve been writing some, and had a small story published in February (no money, but it’s always nice to be accepted). It simultaneously was noted as an “Editor’s Choice” in the quarterly review and also as a “Hot Potato,” meaning that there was a lot of disagreement between the editors about the story. I guess if people are talking, that’s a good thing.

So… about early retirement. A while back, I’d set a tentative date of July 9, 2021 to quit my current job and ease into some sort of semi-early-semi-retirement. I’m 56, so definitely not that early. That date is not really realistic, I think--it’s do-able financially, but I don’t have all the pieces in place yet. I could do it--I’m fortunate in that my rent house continues to appreciate. I had planned to sell it, but I made the decision to keep it and I spent a little money this year doing some needed work (my last tenant didn’t quite TRASH it, but he didn’t do it any favors, either…) and I upgraded the flooring, did some painting and some other tweaks to the tune of about $20K. Fortunately the rent has increased a good bit, and I was able to rent it in like 2 days, so I can pay that loan back pretty quickly. I definitely want to do that before I quit my job, and I have a little work in my actual residence I’d like to have done before I retire as well.

And thus I suppose there may always be something I want to do before I finally quit. I’m sure I could put it off until I’m 67 and getting Social Security and Medicare and feel much more secure. Because that’s what it’s MOSTLY been about for me--that security thing. A regular paycheck and benefits is nice security, although I’m also faced with some sobering numbers at work that suggest a layoff could be in my future as well. We haven’t had a lot of layoffs at my company, and when we have had, the packages have been quite generous, so if I am, in fact, laid off, I could anticipate enough cash to live on for at least a year, probably closer to two if I’m super frugal, before I’d have to touch my own cash. So not too terribly worrying.

And right now, I’m experiencing something I never anticipated I’d be faced with, and that’s some concern? Maybe ambivalence is the better word. Ambivalence about not having this job, this career, that I’ve allowed to define me, that I’ve allowed to take over a lot of aspects of my life. I don’t even particularly LIKE it, but I’m good at it, and in some ways, what I do gives me a lot of satisfaction (a lot of frustration, too, let’s be accurate here). And it’s been a big source of social contact, which has all but evaporated in the era of Covid. In fact, I know that my actual office is closing when our lease is up next year (another concern re possible layoff), and while I’ve been full time remote at home since last March, I am actually going to be full time remote for good as I continue to work. And I’m not too pleased about that; I worked at home full time for 4 years at another company and came to dislike it so much I found something else. (I’m actually OK hanging at home and not working…. It’s the having my office work invade my home that I’m not crazy about, as well as the lack of social interaction).

Ok, so anyway… rambling brain dump. I’d really like to figure out some kind of job to retire into, but I know I’m not going to be happy in a mindless sort of job. I’ve thought about getting warehouse work like my brother--it would be great exercise, which I need (he walks about 10 miles a day filling orders) but I don’t think that’s my thing.

So right now, my big challenge is divorcing myself from this relationship that I have with my job, and I think I need to divorce myself from that relationship before I divorce myself from the actual job itself, if that makes sense. I could quit right now if I had to, but I can see myself at loose ends, and while it would be fun for a while to do all my yard projects and garage projects and closet projects, etc. I don’t see that keeping me content for long. Maybe it would… I need to make sure, though.

And too…. I think some of this has to do with feeling OLD. I am not OLD at 56, but society is starting to look at me as being old. I don’t actually feel old, but I don’t feel young, either, like I did when I was 30 and just quit my job without even thinking twice about it, because I knew I could get something else in a few weeks, and did. It’s pissing me off that I’m getting passed over for promotions and projects at work--it may be my age, it may be that they sense I’m maybe on the way out--but it feels like a break up: “I didn’t love him anymore either, but damn him for breaking up with me first!”

I guess I feel like right now I have a foot in one world, the world where I’m really ready to not work anymore and I get to do whatever I please--and the other foot is still in this world of work and career (where both feet used to be). I mean… you spend your whole life going to school, getting ready to work, then working on advancing your career and then… it stops, maybe because you wanted to or maybe because you’re eased out/forced out, whatever. It’s weird. I’ve talked for years and years about retiring early, and now I’m just not so sure.

I’m not unhappy about any of this, too. It’s more that I’m just… unsettled and getting my mind around everything, and again, I’m surprising myself for feeling this way, because I never expected to.

[EdithKeeler]

“And at my back I always hear time’s winged chariot hurrying near.”

Feeling lately how quickly time is passing….. thinking I’m getting a tad closer to pulling the plug.

I’ve ruminated a lot lately since my last entry about what I wrote about thinking I needed to work, to do something that resembles conventional employment. The pendulum is swinging the other way now.

I keep encountering people my age (56) with serious illnesses or who’ve died. Two people I passingly knew in college recently died; a sorority sister died of breast cancer just before Christmas. Just found out today the brother of a friend died died of colon cancer—1 month younger than me. Guy I work with had open heart surgery this week.

I keep thinking how pissed I’m going to be about earning and saving $$ to retire, only to find out I have a Dread Disease and my money will outlive me.

[IlliniDave]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. My focus is different in that I want some of my money to outlive me, so I frame the regret more as getting to the finish line just as I find out there's no more time left to wallow in the gratification I deferred. In my mind there is nothing wrong with continuing with something the fits the general template of "work". My aunt whom I mention occasionally not only has her hosta collection hobby, but three other part-time volunteer "jobs", all while managing a terminal medical condition. She seems quite happy. The fragility of life for some among the late midlife cohort hit the family this week as my younger sister who already has a long list of serious medical issues learned she will have to start dialysis, which essentially puts a cap on her longevity, especially in light of her other conditions. Just last weekend while I was up there we were talking about her/my b-i-l's plans for retirement which now seem extremely unlikely.

[Married2aSwabian]

Same here. Same age, 56, and similar circumstances. DW and I have lost more friends, family and acquaintances in the past two years, than in the 28 years prior. Add to that the fact that my mom AND her uncle died of pancreatic cancer and the RETIRE ASAP sign couldn’t be flashing any brighter.

[7Wannabe5]

Me too! But since I’ve already been slacking off semi-retired for a long time, I feel compelled at 56 to do aging Goldie Hawn/Susan Sarandon Road Trip Movie type stuff to distract myself from mortality.

[Qazwer]

@7w5 could also do a Geena Davis/Susan Sarandon road trip movie type stuff - that seems far more distracting