What I meant by saying you seemed to want to "be the boss" at the job, is that the move does not absolutely make sense from any other angle that I can see from this side of the screen. You will essentially be paying money for this move. That would be reasonable if you had 20 years of career ahead of you, which does not seem to be your intention
Yep. Exactly right. All that is absolutely true and the same conclusion that I came to. I just need to adjyto the new reality/realization. I guess that’s what I was trying to say wrt being on a certain path, and now I’m on a different one.
Regarding the co-dependency comment, if it shows not only to your therapist but even to someone over the internet, maybe there is some more there that it is worth exploring?
Well, most of the time in those sessions when it comes up, it’s me worried about being codependent and my therapist reassuring me that I’m not!!
Really, wrt my family situation, I’m okay with it. I don’t always like it, it doesn’t make me happy always, but I think that’s what being an adult is sometimes about. Some people are lucky in that they don’t have to face these issues, a lot of people face different issues, and a lot of people have to make different choices. Sometimes I guess I need to whine about it... but I’m still ok with it ultimately.
Wrt to housing: the math is fine. I’m lucky that I’m a high earner, and that’s probably not going to change for now. I have a good bit of equity in The Shack (where I live now), and I have a higher-end rental property that pays for itself as well as all my costs for The Shack. My net worth actually goes up in about six months after I buy something new and sell The Shack.
I think cities are really different wrt rent vs buy considerations. Sure, I could rent SOMETHING, but I’d never beat the cost of The Shack. I could rent something that checks all my boxes, but 5 months of the higher rent (difference between current Shack costs and rent) would pay down payment and closing costs. Mortgage interest is cheap right now, and I’m satisfied with how much I’m investing currently. The only downside is a little lower liquidity wrt equity... but I’m okay with it.
And my answer to all of that would be different if I were going to retire anytime soon.. but I’m not.
I make good money. It’s not a bad problem to have!
Another angle @bigato: We hadn’t been tenants for several years before we became tenants again for about 18 mos after moving to a new place. It’s disempowering in ways both subtle and obvious, and I think renting is not a better option for those in positions like EK unless the numbers are heavily skewed in favor of it.
EK: As for the job, perhaps it’s a closed matter but my tendency is to champion taking these opportunities. I believe it’s been shown that regret is much more likely to stem from saying no rather than yes to new paths. The potential for more challenging and satisfying work seems significant. If the money doesn’t make sense why not consider negotiating until it does.
Codependency can be about wanting to continue to feel needed even if filling those needs has more negative than positive consequences for us. I get being there for your mom and brother but at what cost to you? If God forbid she unexpectedly passed a year from now would that impact your feelings about your decision?
Another angle @bigato: We hadn’t been tenants for several years before we became tenants again for about 18 mos after moving to a new place. It’s disempowering in ways both subtle and obvious, and I think renting is not...,
This is an interesting observation. I too sensed I was expected to be in an inferior position by one of the landlords who interviewed me and rejected me a few years ago. She was actually shocked and somewhat disappointed to find out I had more money than her. I was really upset by this condescending attitude followed by this “my whole world doesn’t make sense anymore because my potential tenant is financially superior to me” attitude but I guess it is not a business deal where vendor and client always meet as mutually benefiting equals. I see myself as a valued customer that can just walk away to another vendor but I got that lord and serf attitude in this case. Just saying it jumped out at me when you described it as disempowering. Yeah, good word for it. Tells you a lot about the sophistication of your vendor.
@bigato oh boy. Brutal honesty is priceless. And painful.
@EK I was once told by a mentor to never make a big financial decision while under emotional stress.
Well... after the discussion about my unsafe neighborhood, I got home today and found one of my 2 ladders stolen. Along with a bunch of flower pots, my wind chimes, and a large box of garden borders drug out in an apparent attempt to steal them, and they discovered they were too heavy to lift (which is why they were sitting there). Oh, 2 bags of garden soil.
Grr. The score is now 2 break ins, a car rifling, and swiped garden stuff. Dammit. How hard is it to leave other people’s crap alone?!
Last edited by EdithKeeler on Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:30 am, edited 2 times in total.
Fish started an interesting thread on lifestyles of ERE people. Or it at least looks interesting, because unfortunately, I don't understand it. I think he is trying to quantify it. I think your situation might be an anecdotal example of what he is getting at. I personally think about it from the other direction, I could "retire" in an unsafe neighborhood. The equity in my mortgage would pay for the new house, and the profit from the sale, added to my savings, would allow me to "retire" there. But I'm not doing it. I like peace, quiet and safety. I don't want to come home and find my wind chimes are gone. You currently find yourself in such a situation, and are deliberating on a possible change that could impact your long term ERE goal.
The only analogous experience I had was when we were refinancing and it came to the attention of the lender that we had enough to buy outright or buy a bigger place but it didn't make sense in our overall "plan." Are we perfectly happy here overall, no, from a basic financial perspective, yes. It's a tough call and I empathize but if your basic safety is a question, I don't see how it is an option. Well, unless if you consider a premature death tantamount to early retirement.
Fish started an interesting thread on lifestyles of ERE people. Or it at least looks interesting, because unfortunately, I don't understand it.
Yeah, I didn’t really get it either. Or understand the “why.”
This has been an interesting discussion and is sort of an interesting time in my life wrt money, my career, relationships.... that’s what a journal is for, in part, to mull things over.
Yeah, I get why people might think I’m co-dependent re my mom, and I get why I might get flack for having a mortgage or whatever else. And I know that when you put your “stuff” out there online, it’s all open to criticism and interpretation. I get it. (Hey: I bought some diamond earrings yesterday. Really tiny cheap ones, but I bet I’m in trouble! Let me have it!) Seriously: it’s ok, I have broad shoulders, and I’ve given—and will continue to give—thought and consideration to everyone’s thought on this stuff.
But I also think that ERE is different for every single person, so I personally don’t get the effort to try to quantify it into boxes or whatever. (But hey—I don’t discourage those who want to). Because ERE/FIRE is about life, and we all have different situations and needs. I personally have a strong need for security and a comfy home. Sure, I COULD live in a tent, or a Unabomber shed, or my Shack in the ‘hood, and I would if I had to.... but I don’t have to. I like a little comfort, it makes me happy. Having a small mortgage doesn’t concern me right now. I have my mom and brother situation. I am not ready to quit just yet, and if I were, I know my decisions would be different.
And as to death: I got word yesterday that a coworker died, after a pretty brief nasty illness. Only a few years older than me.
And you know.... sometimes I think things like “damn, he saved all that money for retirement and didn’t get to enjoy it—he should have retired early!”
Other times I think: “Damn, he died early—but he sure did some awesome things re traveling and art collecting and time with his family that made him happy while he was here.”
While the perfect situation is probably to be on your deathbed and be able to say “I retired early and did everything I ever wanted to,” maybe it’s also ok to say “I didn’t retire early, but my job didn’t suck, and it allowed me to do a lot of stuff I couldn’t have done otherwise.”
I, for one, don’t want to be on my deathbed and think “Damn, I stayed in that shitty house—I woulda bought a better one if I’d known I was going to die.”
Well, whatever you decide, I would suggest using some of the time you still have to work on your deathbed game because it's sorely lacking. Nothing personal, but I don't see anyone holding your hand, listening to that monotonous shit without getting fed-up and pulling your plug.
Flip side you could have a nasty illness and due to your large stash you've built up make it through as opposed to passing away or be more comfortable for your last bit of life. Or if you have descendants your time could go towards improving their life.
I don't think I would regret any decisions on my deathbed if they were done to improve my situation even if it didn't work out quite the way I wanted them to.
Nothing personal, but I don't see anyone holding your hand, listening to that monotonous shit without getting fed-up and pulling your plug.
LOL!! You are probably very correct about that!! I picture you on yours calling all the nurses and doctors “douchebags.”
Flip side you could have a nasty illness and due to your large stash you've built up make it through as opposed to passing away or be more comfortable for your last bit of life. Or if you have descendants your time could go towards improving their life.
No descendants. And maybe you’re right.... but no one gets out alive, ultimately.
No, I just mean there are always what ifs you can go over that are either supporting or detracting from your chosen path. In the end all you can do is make a decision and accept the consequences.
I missed your post this morning. That totally sucks!
I'd normally try to talk someone out of upgrading their digs, but safety is a different matter. And I'm sure you still look young and hot, but when you're old enough to look old, you'll be more of a target since you'll look like an easy mark.
I wouldn't stress too much about having to get a mortgage. Rates are really low again. Make yourself safe and happy, you have enough to deal with without worrying about this, too.
I think you should move to the nicer area where you can walk your dog around without feeling worried. I think the extra cost to feel safe and enjoy your environment makes it worthwhile, and assuming it won't make you unable to retire. I just moved from an area where I was always checking around behind me and now I walk around a lovely community walking my dog chatting with neighbors, even late at night I'll do the loop and I LOVE it! It's not perfect but the sense of security helps me sleep at night and enjoy the area I'm paying for. The dangerousness of your area and the dragging down on your joy I think make it a must move! Hopefully you can find something that is small and affordable in the desired area. Wishing you luck!
Oh and I like to make my home nice without spending a fortune. My mom was a hoarder and it drove me nuts living in clutter. There's such a satisfying calm feeling walking into a nice clean organized space and I like having my favorite pictures and nick naks around, I think it's important to make it your own. Not necessarily spend a lot of money. But make it nice and comfortable otherwise why not just sleep in a car..
Bought a house. I close on Tuesday. I can’t WAIT! It was built in 1990, so quite a bit different from my current 1952 house. 3 bedrooms, two baths, two car garage, and a gorgeous yard. Very quiet, safe neighborhood—not gated, but tucked away so no thru traffic and no homeless guys sleeping in carports (the latest issue in my current neighborhood). It’s about 700 square feet bigger than the current place, with a separate laundry room! What I dislike probably the most about my current place (besides the crime) is that my kitchen is teeny-tiny and the washer and dryer are right in the kitchen—washer sits next to the stove.
I’m just really excited and I think I’ll enjoy the new place.
From a retirement standpoint, I think I’m fine. Took some money from savings for the down payment, of course, and I’ll have a mortgage, but the mortgage payment is only $602 more than what I’m paying a month for The Shack (insurance and taxes).
I’m debating with myself whether to sell The Shack or not. Kind of thinking about keeping it as a rental; pretty sure I can rent it for between $800-900 a month with minimal fixing. Of course for the rental income, but also because values of these houses are increasing some.
The other new development is that DBF is considering moving here and in with me (now that I have more room). This would be a huge change for both of us, and if it happens, it won’t be for a while. But.... that’ll help the journey to retirement, to have contribution to household expenses.
Back on March 26, I was railing about the fact that I had been told that the job I didn’t think was quite mine, necessarily, but that I kinda thought I wanted and I’d been told that I’d have to move if I applied for the job and got it. But I had to make the decision that I couldn’t move right now because of my mom situation.
A couple of people here really encouraged me to rethink it, and I appreciated the input, but I just couldn’t do it. And… some recent events have confirmed to me that I made the right decision--just yesterday my mom was formally diagnosed with dementia, and she’s also had several falls recently including one that could have ended much more badly than it did--she cracked her head on the fireplace hearth in the last fall. Bad enough, but could have been much, much worse. Anyway, in retrospect, everything that’s happened with her in the last few weeks have confirmed that I made the right decision to stick around town.
So anyway, after I was told that I’d have to relocate and was out of the running because I couldn’t, another person in that position very unexpectedly quit, meaning that there were now TWO open positions, not one. A few days after that person quit, I got a call that they would let me apply for the position, and despite previously being told I’d have to move, they’d “consider” letting me do the job from where I’m at. I went for the interview and still there seemed to be some hedging along the lines of “we feel pretty confident that we’ll find people here….” I thought the interview went OK (not spectacularly, though, due some pretty serious insomnia the night before), but still didn’t feel confident because of all the signals along the lines of “you’re great, but there are a lot of great people who live in the City that would want to work here” that I kept getting.
So shortening this already long story--got the call today with the job offer. And raise. (And some very nice compliments about my work). So yay! Decent raise, a little more travel, but I get to keep my home base here, at least as long as my mom is still around.
And of course I bought my house, as I mentioned earlier. Haven’t moved in yet, but probably will move Memorial Day weekend. I’ve got a business trip for the new position that may delay that a bit, but it’s nice to not have to rush. But I’ve been spending money like a drunken sailor--got a FABULOUS deal on a dining room set from a friend who’s liquidating her parents’ estate--pristine condition, and while it’s maybe a little dated, it’s super pretty and very high quality, for an amazingly cheap price--$250 for a table, chairs, and china cabinet. But did spend some money on new living room and kitchen furniture. I’ve been slowly packing stuff, and anticipate recouping a little money selling some stuff that I won’t be moving.
I feel really good about everything. Ok, maybe not so great about the depletion of my savings, but I’ll be fine once I get my current house sold (decided to sell--had been thinking about renting). I feel like something has sort of become unclogged. I’ve been a bit ambivalent about my job, and the whole “you gotta move” thing pissed me off a little, because so many people are doing the job or similar jobs remotely. But I’ve also been a little “feet in two worlds,” too--really three worlds between DBF in Texas, here with my mom, and thinking that I’d have to move to that other city in the future. It was nice to close the door on the possible move, and there may be some changes on other fronts as well. I frankly don’t know if DBF will eventually move here or we’ll break up--sorta could go either way, and if it goes to breaking up, I’ll be sad, but that, too, opens some new potential doors. I think it’s going to be great to finally get into a house I absolutely LOVE, in a neighborhood that I LOVE and which feels safe. And it’s closer to my mom. While things are up in the air with my mom right now, it seems pretty clear what the trajectory is, and I’m committed to enjoying the time I have with her as much as I can. I took her to the doctor yesterday, and while that part sucked, the rest of the day--lunch, shopping, good chats--was great.
I’m also working on getting my mom approved for TennCare--Tennessee’s version of Medicaid. Medicare does not pay for in-home care, and TennCare (and Medicaid) does. If we can get approved for some help to come in and aid my mom with showering and some other things, she should be able to stay at home and avoid a nursing home a little longer.
So… I will be working a while longer, but I’d already committed to working as long as my mom is still around. I also have to look after my brother to an extent, so a little extra money in the bank can’t hurt. Right now I’m not feeling like there’s TOO much I’m missing out on by continuing to work--there’s some stuff I’d like to do, most particularly travel, but I think I can do what I want to working around my work, etc. I get quite a bit of vacation time with my company, the benefits are good, and every year I work I contribute toward more money in the pension pot.
It’s great knowing I have the flexibility to leave if/when I really want to, but I don’t think it’s right now. I figure having a new job will give me some new challenges and keep me engaged and interested for a while longer.
