Too Old To Retire "Young"

Where are you and where are you going?
EdithKeeler
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Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Magazines

Post by EdithKeeler »

My name is Edith Keeler, and I'm a magazine-a-holic.

But now I'm on the wagon. I spent today cleaning out a cache of magazines I've been saving. Saving for various reasons: recipes to go thru again, maybe there's an article I want to save, some cool pictures that I might use for something... Tossed the bunch today after cutting out a handful of recipes and articles. It occurred to me, even as I did that, that with the internet, who needs magazines anymore? Almost all the magazines I tossed feature recipes on their websites for free, and there's no shortage of articles or pretty pictures out there.

What a freakin' waste of money. And paper.

So... day one of my sobriety.

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jennypenny
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Re: Magazines

Post by jennypenny »

EdithKeeler wrote:My name is Edith Keeler, and I'm a magazine-a-holic.
I was one, too. Have you tried Pinterest? That's how I get my fix now. The only ones I still get (I ask for subscriptions for gifts) are Country Living and Southern Living. I used to get Hobby Farms (which I love) but that person stopped giving me gifts so I don't get it anymore. :lol:

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Sclass
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Re: Random Musings and Blathe

Post by Sclass »

EdithKeeler wrote:...about 200 more square feet. Maybe next year. Maybe one at the beach. Who knows? I probably need to just stop looking, which I've told myself before.
.
Living at the beach isn't like in the magazines. Everything rusts and requires a lot of maintenance and replacement unlike homes inland. I'm talking regular large appliance repair and electrical system repair. HVAC, car electronics, phone, cable tv, door lock repair, garage door etc. etc. It's an endless treadmill. Repair and replace.

You wouldn't believe it till you lived it. It isn't like the magazines. Wait I said that.

Rent it for a few months a year and get the hell out when the doors start falling off the hinges.

I'm very welcome at a friend's beachfront villa when I bring my tools. I get to stay several months a year as long as I fix stuff.

FBeyer
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Re: Magazines

Post by FBeyer »

EdithKeeler wrote:My name is Edith Keeler, and I'm a magazine-a-holic...
...day one of my sobriety.
So why do you buy them? Why do you keep them?
I've gone through the approximate same thing but with textbooks, and I've had to re-evaluate whether I'm the kind of person who likes to have meters upon meters of unread/partially read textbooks lined up, or if I'm the kind of person who likes to know[\i] things.

You can get rid of your magazines and all your clutter, but you still need to address the root issue of why you're accumulating them in the first place. That is, if it's a habit you want to get rid of. If it's just a matter of physical clutter, then yes, Pinterest will keep you 'pinned' for days(*) without taking up space on your shelves.
For me, steering clear of magazine-like distractions is 100% a matter of decluttering my mind. I get inspired to do new things so easily that I need to keep a very tight rein on my information flow lest I get distracted constantly. All those things I've been inspired to do pile up until there's a mental stack overflow.


(*) I had to give up on Pinterest as well as soon as my ADHD monkey brain was trying to rationalize its way to building hand crafted furniture in my spare time :roll:

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

Just checking in... I would love to report that a hundred exciting things have happened since the last time i posted here, but alas, it didn't. Most of September was spent dealing with my mother's medical issues--mysterious leg pain that was never really diagnosed (we know what it ISN'T) that resulted in a week-long stay in the hospital plus 2 weeks in rehab, mostly because of a hospital-acquired infection. She's basically back to normal now (ie, where she was prior to the hospitalization), and I was pretty pooped from doing a lot of running around between her house, my house, doing laundry, trying to work, etc. The whole thing was a good reminder to 1) take better care of my health and 2) enjoy life while I can, because there's no guarantee of what the future holds.

So... to that end, I'm going on vacation week after next. It was postponed from September and will be a little cooler at the beach but I don't care: I'm going to lounge, drink wine, catch up on my reading, walk on the beach, smell the salt air, ride my bike on the Seawall, eat seafood, and not worry about anything for a week. I CANNOT WAIT. While I know retirement will be somewhat different from a vacation, I still think of it as a taste of early retirement.

Net-worth-wise, chugging along. "Getting rich slowly" as my old boss used to say. Ok, not exactly rich, but doing fine. Now that I've picked a date and all my forecasts indicate that barring some catastrophic thing, I'll be fine financially, I find that I'm not watching it as closely as I was. I'm much more comfortable with a once-a-month reckoning.

I have a birthday coming up next week--always a good time to take stock of where I've been and where I'm going. I had a little moment of the blues last week--it's also my 30 year college class reunion, and I didn't go. Not really sorry I didn't, but I did have a flash of "I'm not as successful as I should be" self-doubt. No kids and grandkids to brag about, no job with a fabulous title, no great personal accomplishments... Realistically, except for a few flashes when I was also PMS-ing (wait: I've beat the average age for menopause! Go me!) I'm pretty content with my life. But I suppose that from time to time we all have times when we compare ourselves against our peers and find ourselves lacking.

So, in sum: nothing exciting has happened lately, and that's OK.

EdithKeeler
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Vacation Recovery

Post by EdithKeeler »

Back at work this week following my vacation at the beach. Man, nothing beats a long walk in the surf in the early morning, sipping your coffee. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have my dogs there. I did NOT want to come home.

Vacation was very low-key on the Texas coast. Went to a few museums, rode bikes, ate Gulf shrimp every single day (I"m in shrimp withdrawal still...), had a few cocktails, boat rides, long talks with my pal. I know vacation is different from retirement, but I would like to be able to do all of that long enough to get bored with it. I certainly was NOT bored when I left. I'm thinking I'd like to retire down there, maybe. Location is great--small town-ish, but close to Houston for when I need a city fix. Beach, of course. Decent health care. Low cost of living. I'd probably take up fishing, maybe buy a very, very small sailboat to take out on the bay.

Need to buckle down a little better on my spending to make it happen sooner rather than later.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

So yesterday was payday and I worked on my numbers, plugging them into my spreadsheet, etc.

Interestingly, I realized that as of yesterday’s paycheck, I’ve earned more this year than I’ve ever earned before. I’ve also invested more already this year than I ever have before. Thanks mostly to that generous bonus I received in June, but it was nice to see those numbers. (Unfortunately, my net worth has taken a tiny dip due to an ill-advised attempt to time the market--I know better, but I still did it, and have paid for it. Nothing horrible, but I hate being reminded of my stupidity when I look at the spreadsheets….).

I wrote earlier in this journal about some of my ambivalence about my career and an opportunity for a promotion. This week, my boss approached me to tell me that I’ve been identified as a “high potential” employee for the succession planning of the company, despite my turning down the promotion I was previously offered. So I’ve been given a bunch of tasks to achieve in the coming year--classes to take, projects to complete, etc. to “develop” me. It’s not really something I can say “no” to, and again, it’s very flattering to be recognized in this way. Although… cynically I recall that about 6 years ago I was in this exact same place, at the same company, identified as someone who has “potential for higher leadership”--but management changed and all that fell by the wayside. Plus I had that insane boss then and suffered from a serious case of burnout. And… because I used to have a management position (not only at this company but others) it feels a little like I’m being asked to prove that I can do the job that I did successfully for 6 years. But… like I said, I can’t really say no.

I’ll do the the projects and stuff, and whatever’s going to happen is going to happen. I get a promotion--great. I don’t--that’s cool, too. It’s funny because if all of this had happened when I was 32, I’d be thrilled to death and just jumping in with both feet and probably asking for EXTRA projects or something insane. But 52 isn’t 32… and given the state of my money and net worth, earlier than usual retirement is certainly a possibility for me. I work with 4 people, age 60-63 who complain about their jobs SO MUCH, but say they can’t retire because they can’t afford it. That will NOT be me at that age.

Anyway… first world problems. I’m probably the only person who feels uneasy about their employer really liking them!

EdithKeeler
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Almost the end of the year thoughts...

Post by EdithKeeler »

It's been a good year overall for me. Personally, my relationship with my SO is going along very nicely. I've taken more vacations this year than I have in any year in recent memory. Maybe ever. Made me appreciate all that much more why I want to retire early so that my time will be my own.

I was fortunate in my job. I don't generally like it that much, but it's was a good year in that I was honored with a great recognition (and a nice bonus), and my company continues to think well of the work I do. Salary continues to be earned, benefits enjoyed.

My family: well... everyone's alive and still as healthy as they can be, though I've really seen decline in my mom this year. Her financial situation continues to get worse, but I'm grateful to be able to help out. I feel that way most of the time anyway. Sometimes I feel resentful. I'm not a saint. Really sorry about that. I paid for one of her medications ($200 a month) when she fell in to the "donut hole" of Medicare, for about 4 months, paid for her yard work and some minor house repairs, and some pet related expenses. Also bought a lot of groceries.

I was able to invest more money than I ever have in my life. Ever. I'm pretty pleased with that.

My net worth rose almost $100K this year. I attribute that in part to meticulous tracking, which is NOT something I'd done well until this year. I really paid attention to where my money was going, and really made a concerted effort to invest more, and it's clear that it's paying off. It's also been a good year for stocks, and my real estate has gone up in value as well, but I'm pleased. I still have plenty of room to improve on my spending, but it's all good.

I paid off a debt that was really bugging me. I had taken out a second mortgage on my rental house when I first bought it (before it was a rental), and the monthly payment was $100 a month. It just started to annoy me, making that little payment every month, so I knocked it out. The final payment hit the account today, as a matter of fact, and it was really fun entering that ZERO on my spreadsheet. From a tax standpoint I probably shouldn't have done it, but the net effect should be minimal, and... I don't have that payment to worry about anymore. I may splurge on something before I start investing that difference.

I didn't do as well with my creative endeavors as I would have liked this year, nor with my health resolutions. Definitely room for improvement there. Another goal for next year is "community building." I feel like my group of friends is getting smaller and smaller--I go to work in a small office with a handful of people that I rarely talk to, I spend time with my mother... and that's kind of it. My world has gotten tiny, and it needs to expand. So that's another goal for 2017.

I didn't succumb to the desire to buy a bigger house. I looked all year long, and even made some offers, but at the end of the day, it all worked out for the best. I can't promise I won't buy something this year, but if I do, it will be after June, I think. Or maybe I'll just spend a little money on the current shack. I just want about 400 more square feet!! But I can live without it.

It's reassuring to know that as of this very moment, if I lost my job or couldn't work anymore, I could make it. It probably wouldn't be the retirement I would want, but it would be doable. I feel optimistic that at this moment in time, I could quit/get fired and find another job that paid less and still do fine, or quit altogether and scale back a lot of my plans and still be OK (though wouldn't be able to help my mom at all). I am very optimistic that, good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I'll be able to pull the plug on or before my planned date of July 9, 2021.

So... it's all good. I really have nothing to complain about, and while I recognize my good fortune when I sit down and write something like this, I probably need to do a better job of being grateful on a day-to-day basis.

shade-tree
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by shade-tree »

Congratulations on a good year. 400 square feet is about the size of my tool shed and holds a lot. Is an outbuilding an option for you?

I attended a class for work that suggested writing down at least thing we are grateful for each day. I thought it seemed like a fine idea, so I've been trying to do that, so seeing that in your post about that same idea was interesting to me!

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

shade tree writes:
400 square feet is about the size of my tool shed and holds a lot. Is an outbuilding an option for you?
Not really, unfortunately. It's less about storage and more about needing extra counter space in the kitchen and a bit more room in the living room and more space in the bedroom so I don't have to move all the furniture out to get the sheets on the bed! I think my bedroom is 9 feet by 10 feet. Really small.... with a queen bed. No, I'm not a candidate for the "tiny house" movement--but I just want about 1300 SF or so. If I tore out some walls and did a big remodel I'd be fine with the SF I have, I think. It's just a bit "cut up."

But... I've lived with it for 5 years; another year won't make too much difference.

EdithKeeler
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Checking in

Post by EdithKeeler »

Things are still chugging along--I felt compelled to check in today because I'm making Jacob's Rice/Lentil Pilaf. I put a bit of my own spin on it, but am committed to taking my lunch every day this week except for Tuesday, when I get a SWEET freebie at a high-end steak joint for work. I'm doing better with my semi-vegetarian lifestyle, generally, though I've backslid a bit this week. I'm really trying hard to improve my cholesterol and blood pressure numbers through diet. My goal is to have my doc tell me to quit taking the Lipitor at the next visit. Fortunately, I don't get a lot of fancy steakhouse meals.... but I enjoy them when I do!

Net worth at the moment is, oddly, an even $445,000. This is probably a little misleading; in my spreadsheet I include the current value of the house I live in as well as my rent house, as given by Zillow. I don't think Zillow is particularly accurate, but it's a starting point--I think my TX house is worth more and my TN house is worth less, if I were to sell today. I also include the cash value of my small pension, right now valued at just under $40K. I do have some debt--recently I've run up a bit of CC debt for a few things including some travel. I don't really care--it will be paid off soon, and traveling more was a goal that I set last year, and I'm happily following through on that. Heading to the beach in April, and planning a trip to Mexico in November. Plus I've got some fun business trips coming up, including a trip to Atlanta, New Orleans for a conference, and Boston for an award. But it's good to know that if I had to liquidate everything tomorrow, I would not be poor.

Thinking more and more about what retirement will look like when I finally quit. DBF is retired; he owns a lot of rental property and manages it, but not too much is involved. He lives in a small town with the advantage of having a very low cost of living, but the disadvantage of not much going on. I think more and more he's bored. He's a city guy, and a beach guy, and right now he's not in either place. He writes and reads and works out, but doesn't really have any hobbies or activities beyond that. I look at him, and I think about what my life will look like when I quit. I see myself volunteering, taking a master gardener class, making my yard look better, probably getting more involved in church activities (I'm not exactly religious, but I live in the south--Church is BIG here for social stuff....). DBF is not super interested in a ton of travel--he's traveled widely in the past, and I think he'd probably go more if he had someone to go with, but as long as I'm working, I have limited time to travel. And if I quit, i'd have limited money for travel. Quite the conundrum. But it's been interesting, though, researching travel--I'm pretty amazed at the travel deals out there if you look for them. It's good to know when I'm ready to pull the plug on work I'll have options for affordable travel.

Anyway... just rambling. More and more, though, I've been thinking about what life will be like when I don't work any more, so maybe that means I'm getting closer to being ready to quit. I used to think I'd just pull up stakes and head to the beach, but the more I think about it, there's probably a lot of wisdom in staying where I am and using my cheap house in my cheap town with one of the cheapest costs of living in the country as my base of operations. I can travel from here, it's a city so there's still a lot to do here (especially if you're not doing the 9-5 thing), and of course I have connections here.

The other odd thing, though, is that as I plan my exit more and more, my current job is getting better and better. I admit that 5 years ago I was ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE in my job and seriously contemplated the advantages of quitting and living under a bridge every day versus going to work. Now it's objectively MUCH better... but it may also be much better because I know I could quit if I wanted/had to. Now I don't want to quit so much, though I would like to have more vacation time. And I guess I appreciate my job more these days when I see friends getting laid off--a pal, age 54 got laid off shortly before Christmas. Fortunately he scored a new job right away--he's got 2 kids going to expensive colleges. Another friend, I think he's 61 or 62, got laid off and is freaking out and is worried he's going to have to sell his house, etc. Not sure why--he's got a pension and stuff, but I'm not privy to the details of his debt, etc. Anyway--right now work is OK, but if it ceases to be, or they decide they don't need me, I think I'll be OK.

I don't say this very often, but I feel optimistic and good about the future. (as long as I don't think about politics!!!) .

wolf
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Re: Checking in

Post by wolf »

EdithKeeler wrote: Thinking more and more about what retirement will look like when I finally quit.
This is also something I think about. What I found really inspiring is a book about retireing. It is called: "How to retire happy, wild and free". It has some good sections about what you can do with your retirement. Maybe you know the book alread? The author gives two very practical recommendations. One is the "Ultimate Lifes Adventure List", which is about medium to big dreams and whishes. The second is the "Getting-a-life-tree" which is more about regular activities and hobbies. I really can recommend you the book. I somehow renamed it for myself because I found the book totally worthwhile. I renamed it to "How to Live happy, wild and free", because I think it's not only for retirement but for life in general. BTW I'm 34 years old.

Dragline
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Re: Checking in

Post by Dragline »

EdithKeeler wrote:
The other odd thing, though, is that as I plan my exit more and more, my current job is getting better and better. I admit that 5 years ago I was ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE in my job and seriously contemplated the advantages of quitting and living under a bridge every day versus going to work. Now it's objectively MUCH better... but it may also be much better because I know I could quit if I wanted/had to. Now I don't want to quit so much, though I would like to have more vacation time. And I guess I appreciate my job more these days when I see friends getting laid off--a pal, age 54 got laid off shortly before Christmas. Fortunately he scored a new job right away--he's got 2 kids going to expensive colleges. Another friend, I think he's 61 or 62, got laid off and is freaking out and is worried he's going to have to sell his house, etc. Not sure why--he's got a pension and stuff, but I'm not privy to the details of his debt, etc. Anyway--right now work is OK, but if it ceases to be, or they decide they don't need me, I think I'll be OK.
There is nothing like having the FI light at the end of the tunnel. I should say it's more like they opened up the top of the tunnel and its just kind of a sunny half-pipe. All of the sudden, the mood goes from "how long do have have to be here?" to "well, as long as they are still paying me, what else do I want to do here before I leave?"

Enjoy your pilaf!

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

Attended a required Human Resources training that was held at an offsite location. It featured, as seems typical, a "new" and "innovative" way of doing the same old thing, and was decorated with a lot of buzzwords like "synergies" and "competencies" and "blah blah blah" and "tggdsw64$(fghit."

At least there was lunch. And cake.

Came back to the office and sat in the parking lot for 20 minutes meditating about how much longer I'm going to continue doing this. Fantasized about starting the car and driving away. Forever. It felt good.

Time to turbocharge the FIRE.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

I realized after I posted the above that I haven't done an update in a while. So here I go:

Nothing has really happened since February.

Been going to work, doing other stuff.... that's about it.

Well, unfortunately, I have been spending money like a drunken sailor. Mostly on stuff for my mother (house cleaning, medications she can't afford, groceries here and there). And I've had a TON of business travel this year, much more than I would have anticipated, and every time I go anywhere it's about $300-400 to board my dogs. It SUCKS not having a significant other in town to help out, and the only neighbor I'm particularly friendly with is really weird and I don't want her in my house when I'm not here, and none of my friends live near enough or like dogs enough to look after my dogs while I'm gone. But DAMN, it's been expensive, and not over yet, with 4 more trips this year, one of which is over a week long (granted, part of the trip is vacation). Next year better not be a repeat of this year wrt work travel.

But.... it pisses me off to have to spend money to go to work and earn money.

I've also been eating out WAY too much--this is my big area I need to improve on, and I think I write that every time i post here. It's just too easy to have some one else cook for me, and cook for me when I have to cook for my mom. I like to cook, generally, but lately I'm not particularly enjoying it. Still, I'm going to try to do a little better. I've decided that instead of big chunks I'm just going to concentrate on doing it "one day at a time." After today. I spent $25 for lunch today. Ridiculous.

I've also come to a decision about my house. I've been really ambivalent about it, but I've decided just to stay put and sink a little money into it. The bathroom needs work, so I'm going to get it done, and am going to consider doing a small kitchen remodel. I think I have space in there that could be used more efficiently and that will make me happier, I think, with more counter space and some modern appliances. Like those new-fangled things called garbage disposals I've heard about, and did you guys know they have a machine that will WASH your DISHES?? Amazing!!

Oh, goody! I get to spend more money!! But I will say house prices in this neighborhood are inching up'; people are tending to want smaller houses and my location is convenient to a lot of stuff. I know I won't lose money on whatever I do, though I may not make a lot, either, but I think anything I do will improve my quality of life a tad. Lately I've been feeling deprived "Oh, I hate that little shitbox house, I think I'll go out to eat."

Mother issues continue. Her mobility is terrible, but her overall health is fairly decent for 80... it's just she can't do anything. I've probably said it before here, but watching my mom struggle with her Parkinsons reminds me every day how much your life can change when you don't expect it to, often through no fault of your own.

As to numbers--my spending is currently at a 13% of my "stash" non-safe withdrawal rate and about 9% of net worth. But like I said, I've been spending like a drunken sailor on shore leave, so I have a ton of room to tighten up on the spending. Net worth finally exceeded the $500K mark. My tenant renewed for another year (he's a great tenant!) even after I raised the rent a bit, so no complaints about anything, really.

Other than I'm tired of going to work every day, I wish my mom had more financial means, and I haven't seen DBF since April. But... first world problems I guess.

FBeyer
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by FBeyer »

How's your magazine-aholicolism coming along?

Also I don't really like the first world problems denigration. If you're down because you're missing your loved one, then it's a real issue that is wearing on you. It's not something to sweep under the rug as inconsequential/vapid.

Seeing your mother struggle through no fault of her own, should remind you to live NOW, and not postpone life until you're FI. If you can't make the accumulation phase even remotely rewarding I think there are grounds for building some more robustness into your mental outlook on life.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by EdithKeeler »

How's your magazine-aholicolism coming along?

Also I don't really like the first world problems denigration. If you're down because you're missing your loved one, then it's a real issue that is wearing on you. It's not something to sweep under the rug as inconsequential/vapid.

Seeing your mother struggle through no fault of her own, should remind you to live NOW, and not postpone life until you're FI. If you can't make the accumulation phase even remotely rewarding I think there are grounds for building some more robustness into your mental outlook on life.
Well, I compromised with myself on my magazine addiction. I bought subscriptions to my top three, and have barred myself from the rest. Having a subscription is way cheaper than buying in the check out, and I justified it because I pass them on to my mom to enjoy, and when she's done I share them at work. All in all, I'm satisfied with this.

Yeah, the first world problems thing.... mostly when I say that it's to remind myself that a lot of people have it really rough--they've lost their homes in a hurricane, they've had loved ones die... and I'm just moaning because we haven't seen each other in a while. I get what you're saying, and I think I've just been in a low phase when it comes to both love life and family life (my mom). I will say it's just hard right now--I feel like I really can't do a lot of the things I want to do because of the situation with my mom. In a very real sense, a lot of the elements of my life ARE on hold because of my family situation, and wishing for that to change is equivalent to wishing my mom was gone--which I don't. I took the day off yesterday and took her lunch and hung out for a while--all we did was watch TV and chat about inconsequential things, but I'm glad to be able to do that. I will miss her terribly when she's gone. And I do feel very guilty sometimes when I think things like "after she's gone I can...." I think it's natural to think stuff like that, but I don't feel good about it. I also feel a little resentful about DBF lately, too--he doesn't work at a 9-5, and he's got a lot more flexibility to come see me than I do him. I wish he would, and I've expressed that to him, but I hear a lot of excuses, some of which are reasonable.

So, more robustness on my outlook on life--yeah. I could use that, I suppose. Actually, I feel good about life in general.... I do feel a little trapped by circumstances just now, though.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

I think many middle-aged women find themselves in similar situations. I am currently re-reading "Princess Bitch: The Sassy Guide to Relationships, Power, and Success." I am also trying to design a sort of modular elder-care housekeeping system that I can keep tabs on from a distance. My mother has mental health issues that have prevented her from consistently being able to do basic housekeeping since I was around age 10, and she currently has mobility issues (blown knee combined with excess weight and complete unwillingness to do her physical therapy exercises.) It's amazing how expensive it becomes to try to replace the basic functions of personal care and home care when an individual is no longer able or willing to perform these tasks themselves.

Jason
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by Jason »

IMHO, that "there are starving kids in Africa" line of argument just doesn't work, at least for me. Yes, there is some kid in Africa at this moment who is too exhausted to swat a fly off his fuckin forehead but on that same token, there is a Prince in Dubai right now in Penthouse with a harem of chicks taking turns blowing him. And let's face it, once you give that starving kid a cheeseburger and he finds the energy to swat that fucking fly off his forehead he's going to want a shake and fries as well because that's what people are like. Or that's at least what I'm like and even if they are not like me people are prone to extrapolating the world from their own selfish position. And soon enough that too tired to swat a fuckin fly off his fucking forehead kid is going to hear about that Prince in Dubai getting blown by a harem of chicks and he's going to want that along with his cheeseburger, shake and fries. Well, at least if that fucking kid is like me which I am assuming he is, being the extrapolating selfish prick I am.

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Sclass
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Re: Too Old To Retire "Young"

Post by Sclass »

EdithKeeler wrote:
Sat Sep 23, 2017 12:39 pm
, and wishing for that to change is equivalent to wishing my mom was gone--which I don't. I took the day off yesterday and took her lunch and hung out for a while--all we did was watch TV and chat about inconsequential things, but I'm glad to be able to do that. I will miss her terribly when she's gone. And I do feel very guilty sometimes when I think things like "after she's gone I can...." I think it's natural to think stuff like that, but I don't feel good about it.
Hang in there. I have dark thoughts about my mom. I know they're wrong and I fight it, but I think it is natural to want to be freed from this kind of thing. There really shouldn't be any guilt for wanting mental torment to come to an end. I love my mom too and will really miss her, but I catch myself in the shower saying "die die die already please!" I feel the guilt.

It'll happen on its own. I try to live in little bits and pieces of time I can take. Today nobody called (caregiver worried about mom's breathing, caregiver wanting an advance on her pay, caregiver wanting time off with pay.) just a day I was left alone. I was free. And I barely realized it but I managed to grab it.

Come to think of it last night was free too and I didn't even appreciate it. Our lives are passing us by too. Try to catch those fragments of the good stuff. They make up life.

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