The Reluctant Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
EdithKeeler
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by EdithKeeler » Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:50 pm

I just want to say that I enjoy your journal. We struggle with some of the same issues, I think.

Earlybath
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by Earlybath » Tue Jun 19, 2018 4:33 am

Nearly 2 years to organise a jobshare ? That really is glacial, hope it works out and is worth the wait.

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Thu Jul 05, 2018 3:15 pm

So the half-time work job sharing is not happening anytime soon...the latest news being that there is no staff replacements available.

The plan was always to keep permanent until I hit age 50 years and then take early retirement...but realistically with my expenses the way they are now with my DH's retirement and one of kids starting college soon I can not afford to fully retire right now.

If I could live the way that I want (expenses-wise) I could retire but really I have no control if I want to keep a marriage and kids happy.

So I'll just keep on keeping on like a lot of people on this forum with family commitments ... I would imagine it's so easy achieve ERE if their are no kids involved...

It's going on so long now that my institutionalization has made me often ask-what do I really want anyway?

I recognise that this is a sign that my imagination and desire for freedom has dulled down and could possibly be quenched completely if I continue working full-time But there really isn't much I can do about it right now.

So I will continue to wait for the half-time work squirreling away as much as I can because I'm not brave enough to take the leap and retire and live of a small pension supplemented by drawing from my pension lump sum.

Maybe if I hated my job more I'd jump but it's really fine and cushy compared to others ... and where would I be going anyway with a home-based DH that has no interest in travelling...

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Sat Aug 11, 2018 12:45 pm

So I have been recording everything that I spend now for 67 weeks.

Bottom line is on average I need 600 per week to live the lifestyle I have now.

If I retire now I will get pension of 1000 per month with lumpsum of 100 thousand.25 of this would have to go to college payments of kids.So 1000 per month plus 75,000 savings...not enough!

I would have to sell a property to subsidize my living expenses if I retired now.I do not want to do this until I have a few years of freedom to enjoy moving from one to the other as I please to get the best season of the year in each.

What the hell was the point of carrying them all on my back for years unless I get the chance to enjoy them...my dream!

If I do half-time/jobshare I will get approximately 600 per week just working 2 days a week...loads of time to travel and enjoy different properties keeping my lifestyle as is.

This is why I think it is worth the wait to get my jobshare...even though sometimes I think it will kill me if it doesn't come soon.

I have been trying out the reduced working hours this Summer taking 2 annual leave days a week while working 3.I must say I really do like this work life balance.

But if the job share does not come soon I don't know what I will do...

I have to keep the dream...picture of the goal in my mind as it is the only one I have consistently had for years.

I just want to move from house to house to experience the best climate and all the activities that go with that during the different seasons of the year.

This summer we have invested a lot of time and energy into pushing/gently nudging our little fledglings out of the nest...driving them to and for to their first Summer jobs at all irregular hours...and buying all the attire that goes with that.DD couldn't get a job because of her age so I am proud to say she started a mini house cleaning business...and got so many request that she had to refuse most.

I really want to get them off our backs financially as soon as I can...whatever hope I have of reducing that 600 I need right now per week.

So it's just a waiting game right now...a thing I am not very good at...

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Sat Sep 08, 2018 10:40 am

I have been doing a lot of hassling,aggravating and manoeuvring trying to find out where the job sharing is at.

Bottom line is there is now a person permanently in our job (myself and partner job sharer) but we can't start until that person that got the promotion to our job is replaced....it goes on and on...

So after all my hassling the "missing forms", (2nd time they have gone missing) have been resent.Then the CEO will have to sign them off- will not happen fast.They then are sent to recruitment which are also back logged and will take 6 to 8 weeks to offer the job to someone.

Then the person will have 6 to 8 weeks to accept...all in all another 6 months provided things don't get lost again.

So it could be March '19 before our job-sharing kicks in.

I am going to cancel my tax free pension payments and start saving the money I was putting towards this.It will be the first money that I will be "leaving on the table" so to speak from the plan of reducing my working hours.I will save this money and have it for college payments instead of locked up in a future pension.My goal was to have 50,000 in a private lump sum pension and this is what I have.

I know it will all be worth the wait and I will have a great work life balance...

My DH is getting impatient as my annual leave is so small that it is restricting the things we can do...he tells me to just retire and we will combine our pensions and we will be fine...his pension would be twice mine...I don't think so...there are no free lunches in this world ...he who pays the piper picks the tune and I've waited so long for my freedom that I want to dance to my own music in retirement.

At some level it's tempting and a quick fix...but I'm old and wise enough to know I need my own money to have equal bargaining power...maybe this is because I am married to such an "alpha" male or maybe it's because of my INTJ super independent streak...but having to make sacrifices at this age of my life on my life dreams,(because they are so different from his) would kill me.

Retiring with not enough money to live the life that I have dreamed of for so long would be like having pushed a huge boulder up a steep hill for years,and instead of just pushing the tiny last bit over the top of the hill,letting go and seeing it roll way back down to the bottom.

What a wasted life that would have been...

So I'm just going to hang in there,be patient and save knowing that I will eventually have loads of free time with sufficient money to enjoy the life that I want to live.
To be honest I think that I'm nearly completely institutionalized now and have lost a lot of the passion that I had before about doing nothing much except travelling...I know it lies buried inside me and won't really ignite until I have a lot more time to plan and do more interesting things.

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Sat Sep 22, 2018 2:53 pm

So it struck me yesterday that of the whole 18 hours that I was awake yesterday,(7am until 1am),that I spent only 31 minutes doing something that I wanted to be doing (a run in wind and rain at lunch) ...how sad is that...

I suppose it was a particularly "busy" day but still...it sucks.

I realise that I moan a lot...I'm sure my DH gets sick of listening to me...I get sick of listening to myself too ...and doing nothing about it...

My dad had another hospital procedure...oh boy,even being a female...I am so not a carer.

And the guilt that comes with that...another waste of energy.

If I could just get the reduced hours then everything wouldn't be so frantic when my parents have a health episode...but such is life.

I also feel I have cheated myself.

I made a promise to myself to retire when I reached 50.

All I had to do was stick to the plan.... and even though I stuck to the plan,and sucked up all the crap that went with that...I am not retiring.

I changed the goal posts...to working reduced hours because I allowed my expenditure to increase.

I got sick of fighting with all family members about spending...in fact it was a miracle that I was able to keep it up as long as I did.

I feel so selfish for wanting to live the way that I want...who gets to do that...none of the females I know...or maybe they love the lives that they lead,caring and being trapped in that role...I dream of setting off travelling with just 1 small suitcase...no end date and no mobile phone...bliss...but will never happen.

I am particularly angry/bitter/frustrated at the moment because even though I've reached the finish line "somebody" changed the goal posts mid-journey and cheated me out of my prize.

The killer is that "somebody" is me...

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7Wannabe5
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sun Sep 23, 2018 11:28 am

I have a radical suggestion for you. Unless you are semi-consciously planning on divorcing your husband for reasons you do not care to divulge on this forum, I think you should take him up on his offer. No matter how Alpha, it is exceedingly rare to encounter a man who is inclined to exert the energy necessary to structure your time for you to the extent that a 40 hour/week job will. It's your own combination of middle-class fair-mindedness and mid-century feminist philosophy that is forming your rut. BTDT myself. Are you truly afraid that you are married to somebody who will take rough advantage of you if you clearly reveal your needs, preferences and vulnerabilities?

Your feelings of guilt belie your declaration of dearth of caring. You simply are not doing a good enough job of maintaining adequate boundaries around self-aware self-care. Best example I can think of is breast-feeding mother who does not make choices in alignment with providing herself with adequate rest and hydration leading to downward spiral dysfunctioning. Do you truly believe that taking very good care of yourself is equivalent to cheating those whom you love of your best possible offering?

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Sun Sep 23, 2018 5:10 pm

7wannabe5 I am an INTJ female,a strategist and you have given me the incorrect advice for my personality type....

I am one of your biggest fans on this site and read everything you write...but I read it as if I am reading an adventure romantic fiction novel...as the precarious and care free way you live and breeze through life would not be for INTJs.

My big worry for the way you live...which could be termed as having real "self care" (as you alluded to in your advice to me)...is what are you going to do when you hit 70 and your energy levels and to put it delicately "assets" are not what they once were.

Have you enough "self love" to plan to be able to live exactly as you wish when you get older without being "beholden" to anyone?

I hope I come across as caring with these comments as I challenge a lot of females on this issue...will they be financially covered when they hit old age?

For numerous reasons,(which we as females understand very well)females are the worst when planning their financial pensions...they basically put everybody else's needs before their own.

Another point you made to me in your advice is regarding boundary setting....I think I would be the best "boundary setter" of all the females I know.

My 7am until 1am day was such an energy suck because I spent 7 hours of it at my cushy job...leafing through "gardening magazines",(as you so aptly described it in a previous conversation we had before about work environments).I have the art of delegation and boundary setting at work down to a fine art...But it is still 7 hours of my precious time not doing anything productive except the 31 mins run at lunchtime.

I spent another 4 hours (after work) going out to an upmarket restaurant with my work group,feigning an interest on what was on the menu and discussing at nauseam food,cocktails and other high end restaurants.

Nothing blows my mind as much as wasting time and money on eating out...I find it so annoying as I have zero interest in food and alcohol...and lets be real,I spend 28 hours a week already with them...why would I want to spend anymore time with these people?
I suppose it was the "having to"socialize with work colleagues that really blew my mind that day.
I know if I "give in" and drink alcohol...and order 10 pound cocktails it will all be just one big "hoot"...but I just won't give in,will I?

To get back to the self care issue,I am a queen of this as well.

Us INTJ's...we're nothing if not modest don't you think...

I believe in real long term self care...not a "going to do my nails/having a massage" little treat...that's not what I view as real self care...which seems to me as what a lot of females aspire to...my idea of self care is a never ending journey through different countries at their most perfect climatic conditions.

I am approaching 50 and look 40.
I do not drink alcohol,eat clean Paleo with dairy(loads of fats),never take prescription drugs,pain killers etc. and also avoid caffeine.I am fit and exercise regularly.

By the way even though I know the science behind it I never breast fed as I was determined my DH and I would pull our weight equally regarding child care from the very beginning.
Also the thought of premature "droopage" would never be entertained as I am pretty obsessive about my figure...again I always put myself first.

I also have no desire to divorce (as I have told you before) I have too much time and energy already invested in my marriage to have it fall apart now.A lucky aside is the fact that I adore my DH despite all our different interests.
That said who knows what the future will bring...another reason to make sure my nest is feathered adequately for my future.

There are 2 main reasons that I keep this journal.

The first is a place to hang out with like minded people...very hard for an INTJ female to meet other like minded people IRL.

The second is that I want to empower other females who lead average lives (just like mine) that they can aspire to live EXACTLY as they please.

They can dream big and actually get to live the dream.

My struggles and challenges will show them that there are ways around everything to get where you want to go.

Nothing outside the "normal lifestyle" comes easy especially if you have responsibility towards kids,and parents(who could only be described as the most beautiful people) but it can be done.

You in your extraordinary life journal are another example of how females could live differently to the norm expected of them.

Now to the advice I need to be given:

Shake the f###ing tree...irritate the management admin system so much that they will give you the reduced hours just to stop you buzzing in their ears...you have nothing to lose...be the first voice they hear in the morning and the last email they read in the evening until you get your reduced hours.

Lose your pride,whine,beg,bully until they give you what you want...play the victim if you have to...just get your reduced hours...stick to your well researched plan as it will be the calculated optimum way for you to live.

And despite my whining this is indeed what I am going to do...

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7Wannabe5
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:57 pm

My big worry for the way you live...which could be termed as having real "self care" (as you alluded to in your advice to me)...is what are you going to do when you hit 70 and your energy levels and to put it delicately "assets" are not what they once were.

Have you enough "self love" to plan to be able to live exactly as you wish when you get older without being "beholden" to anyone?
Well, obviously, I do have a plan that avoids the risks inherent in being "beholden" to any one. Also, I pretty much settle up (at least in my own mind) those accounts on a rolling 30 day basis. Still, it seems like I can't manage to retire from the field even though I only look more like a chubby teenager than most other women my age. I have seen other women with approximately my phenotype aged to almost 80 butt naked in the shower after water aerobics class, so I think there is a decent possibility that I might still be able to round up some Phat fans for a few more decades :lol: I have also already had sex with a man in his 70s, so my expectations are realistic and my compensatory skills will be well honed. Of course, I know that when I am 70, I might have to settle for 77-82, so I have already started trying to check out if I find any men in that age range attractive. Some women can still attract younger men at that age, but I think they are mostly more naturally dominant than me, but I guess I could fake it if I believed it to be in my self-interest for some reason.

Anyways, I don't get why you think that spending your own money to do as you please will make you any less "beholden" to your husband? He already clearly communicated that he doesn't care about the money, he just wants your companionship. Also, although I do often err on the side of self-indulgent, what I meant by self-care was that you should do stuff like spend more time alone in nature in order to replenish your relaxed feminine energy.

1taskaday
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 1taskaday » Mon Sep 24, 2018 1:07 am

I am glad that you think of "future you"and have planned for the inevitability of aging.

I suppose to me money equals power and choice especially for women.

I started working and earning at age 13 and have never depended on anyone financially "to allow me"to do anything since then.

I get what your saying that money is only a small part of doing what you want in any relationship.
But if I wish to travel around the world and have no funds to do it and a partner definitely does not want to travel...will it happen?...where as, if I have the funds and am definitely going...guess who may have to tag along...

Basically I like to go in to any negotiation with as strong a hand of cards as I can...and what are relationships if not constant negotiations.

Yes you are right the times that I become most frustrated with my life are the ones where I have insufficient alone time out in nature because of other commitments.

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7Wannabe5
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Re: The Reluctant Journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Mon Sep 24, 2018 5:23 pm

I am married to such an "alpha" male
if I have the funds and am definitely going...guess who may have to tag along...
Cognitive dissonance. Maybe something like "guess who may have to expand the boundaries of his domain to include my travels?" would work :lol:

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