the animal's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Jason

Re: the animal's journal

Post by Jason »

theanimal wrote:
Thu Mar 21, 2019 5:08 pm

The only pre-requisite is some self study and a written test talking about human behavior and psychology.
I know that whenever I fly, I'm thinking "I really don't care how many flight hours the pilot has, as long as he's a Jungian."

slowtraveler
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by slowtraveler »

@theanimal

I've just reread your journal from start to finish and it's been a beautiful transformation and journey from the time you finished graduating. Congratulations on all your success in each of your challenges.

I really want some easy part time freelance work like you set up with insurance underwriting. My current gig won't last forever and your insurance underwriting freelancing sounds like a perfect match for my life and skillset. Can I ask how you got into the situation of doing insurance underwriting?

A pm would be great if you're uncomfortable writing it publicly. Thank you theanimal.

theanimal
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by theanimal »

There's been a gnawing emptiness I've been experiencing the past few weeks. Back when I lived in the Arctic, I experienced extreme bouts of loneliness, a result of rarely seeing other people. That affected my mental state greatly but went away over the span of a few months after moving. However, there's been a lingering sense of loneliness since then. I haven't had any success or luck in finding a girlfriend and it's disheartening. It's extremely frustrating to put in all this work on myself and see no results. I am the fittest person most of my friends/acquaintances know. I dress well and am regularly complimented on it. My house is clean, I make good money and I am responsible and resourceful. My friends think I'm funny enough in that I've been regularly encouraged to become a comedian (I'm not doing that). WHAT Am I missing?!? I seemingly check all the boxes in what you're supposed to do to make yourself better and be an attractive prospect. But nothing. No romantic relationship of any kind since I've been in Alaska (4 yrs) plus years before that. There's not much that I would change from what I do now to what I envision an ideal life would be. A girlfriend/family is part of that vision. For now I feel like a one man army. With no goal and nothing I'm working towards. Just slogging on.

Part of it is a numbers game. Sure there aren't as many women (both available and not) as would be found elsewhere. But most of my friends are able to find partners just fine. This leads half of me to believe there's constantly something wrong with me. Something I need to improve and make myself good enough for someone else. It's not a great feeling and has probably contributed to the erosion of some of my self confidence over the years. If only I become more fit, a better conversationalist, more empathetic, and so on...I've no doubt improved over the years but without any result.

I do think there is something wrong that I'm doing though. As I'm able to get very close to many attractive women but have no luck romantically. In other words, friend zoned. Off the top of my head I can count half a dozen girls that'd count me as a close friend. Idk what to do. I've read almost all the relationship books suggested here and explored other resources elsewhere. My nagging feeling is that I'm not taking enough action.

It gets really hard to stay optimistic. But so far the thought of being bitter at 26 is still distasteful enough to remain hopeful.

If anyone has any wisdom to impart it would be much appreciated.

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jennypenny
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by jennypenny »

theanimal wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:20 pm
In other words, friend zoned. Off the top of my head I can count half a dozen girls that'd count me as a close friend.
Are you close enough to any of them to ask why you always end up in the friend zone? Or ask them to fix you up or help put the word out that you're looking?

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by theanimal »

Yeah there's some I could ask. I was having a related conversation with one the other day but I rarely get actionable advice. "You're great theanimal, some girl is going to be so happy to be with you and never leave you. Etc. Etc." Those words have gotten empty to me. One other told me a while ago that I was confident but sometimes came off as cocky or arrogant. So I worked on that for a while (still am) but when I talked about it with others they thought it wasn't true. So idk where to turn.

Most people I know, know I'm looking but have no one to suggest. That's what makes me question how much is actually due to my own words and actions versus the lack of people up here. Some of my friends make jokes that the only way to find a single woman up here is to wait at the airport and grab the first one off the plane. One option is moving. Something I didn't think I'd consider before but has now crossed my mind a few times.

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unemployable
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by unemployable »

Geez, you and TopHatFox.

The tables will start to turn around age 30. Meanwhile, be careful what you ask for. I'd suggest you stop investing so much mental energy on things you're not able to control, but from experience it's hard for someone in your frame of reference to listen.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

theanimal wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:20 pm
If anyone has any wisdom to impart it would be much appreciated.
I don't doubt that your location has a lot to do with your woes. Still, here's what I have found helped get be out of my dry spells in dating/relationships.

Don't view it as something wrong with you. This has a carryover effect that bleeds into your interactions with women, subconsciously I think they know it. If you are happy with you & your lifestyle, then just be confident in it. This also applies to that feeling of quiet desperation in your writings on this subject, it bleeds into your interactions. For God's sake man, your a modern day adventurer!! This is the shit that millennial women seem to eat up! Be confident and use it.

You have a half dozen women "friends" that think you'd be a good catch? This is a gold mine. Where are all of their female friends? You should be dating them! Set-ups are a great way to meet people.

Take a look at your "standards". How high is the bar? I'm not saying you should get into a relationship with someone who is subpar, but hanging out on a date isn't marriage. Too many men looking for relationships seem to treat causal dating like it's a serious endeavor. It's not. Dating is a chance to get to know someone better, hone your dating skills, increase your social network, and maybe one of them will be better for you than you thought initially. Plus, a win is a win and helps boost confidence. Meaning, even if the date goes poorly, you still had a date, and can begin to realize its supposed to be fun.

Good luck

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by theanimal »

unemployable wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 7:00 pm

The tables will start to turn around age 30. Meanwhile, be careful what you ask for. I'd suggest you stop investing so much mental energy on things you're not able to control, but from experience it's hard for someone in your frame of reference to listen.
I think you're overestimating how much I'm actually thinking about this. I'm still getting shit done. I don't think I'm being that dramatic in wanting a partner after having zero romantic relationships in nearly a decade. I've asked for advice on relationships twice in the ~7 years I've been on this board so you painting me as some drama queen doesn't really add up. I'd be happy to lose myself in something and get this lingering feeling out of my mind. But so far I don't have any solution. My job is only so engaging, I can only workout for a finite amount each day and I don't have anything that completely enraptures me at the moment. If this is me not listening, so be it.


@c_L thank you! Confidence is definitely a big one for me. I don't think I come off as desperate but I definitely could be a lot more confident. All points worth considering.

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unemployable
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by unemployable »

theanimal wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 9:28 pm
I think you're overestimating how much I'm actually thinking about this.
You did ask.
you painting me as some drama queen doesn't really add up
I don't see where I did this, but your response does indicate you're a bit sensitive on the topic.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by Cheepnis »

I think I'm about the least qualified person to ever give dating advice, but here goes...
I am the fittest person most of my friends/acquaintances know. I dress well and am regularly complimented on it. My house is clean, I make good money and I am responsible and resourceful. My friends think I'm funny enough in that I've been regularly encouraged to become a comedian (I'm not doing that). WHAT Am I missing?!? I seemingly check all the boxes in what you're supposed to do to make yourself better and be an attractive prospect.
I would ignore those stereotypical +'s as well as any words of encouragement from friends/family that rely too heavily on your positive traits. In my experience all those things you listed play second or even third fiddle to something far more fundamental that women are looking for. What that is I can't say. Whether it's that ever illusive "confidence" or conversational skills or microscopic personality nuances I truly don't know. What I do know was I had traits very similar to your list high-lighted to me by friends or family only to see women (sometimes even the very same ones that did the high-lighting) dating people who hold exactly zero of them too many times to believe their that important. At least in the short term.

I don't mean to imply that women don't know what their looking for, but I do think there is something more important, far less describable, and not often acknowledged that gets factored into the equation.

Having said that, I'm going to turn right around and do exactly what I was just railing against...

Based off your journal you really seem like a great guy who's got his shit together and I wish you the best in this journey. If commiseration is any help I absolutely know how difficult that constant frustration can be. You seem to be much better prepared to deal with it than I ever was though, stay strong.

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unemployable
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by unemployable »

Cheepnis wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 10:05 pm
In my experience all those things you listed play second or even third fiddle to something far more fundamental that women are looking for.
That thing is money.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by Cheepnis »

Hahaha. Perhaps if it's enough money. I don't know the particulars of theanimal's financials, but I doubt he has enough yet to render everything else meaningless.

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Ego
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by Ego »

Truth be told, you strike me as the kind of guy women want to settle down with. Smart. Decent. Responsible. Hardworking. Kind. The keeper they want to bring home for the holidays to meet the folks.

Is it possible that most of the Alaskan women you encounter are either too young to settle down or are not the settling-down type, which explains why they are in Alaska in the first place?

Mrs. Ego and I were discussing that study that's been making the rounds about how couples met.

https://goat.com.au/wp-content/uploads/ ... -graph.jpg

We met at work. That method peaked the year we met. Had we relied on the top methods of today we would have never connected as we would have ruled one another out or never encountered one another in the fist place. Which methods are you using?

slowtraveler
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by slowtraveler »

I haven't seen anyone paint you as a drama queen, nor have I seen you act in a manner consistent with that word anywhere in this long journal, that I've read from start to finish more than once. We all love you here.

On advice...
Come to Thailand. No, seriously. Your mating market sucks from what I can see. Your confidence will climb as you reverse the odds into your favor and all the dating will allow you to see where you're messing up from a place of experience.

You'll have the problem of sifting through who you like rather than lack of dating options. Meet at the park, talk for a few hours, if you connect, go to get some food, if not, say you are going to get back to work. There's so many mountains around here to explore and adventure to. Ie-Kayaking here cost less than $7 if I remember right. Tons of waterfalls, rivers, caves (avoid during monsoon season).

Get out of the freezing cold and expose yourself to the tropics as a new challenge. A room here is 100usd/month, food at $1/plate or slightly less if you cook. You could still save 75+%. A 125cc scooter is under 500usd and can take 2 anywhere in the country as long as your patient.

Head to the beach from February to April during the smoky season with your lover. I wouldnt recommend meeting a girl for love in Phuket or Pattaya but there's plenty of good, hard working, sweet girls in the north and other areas.

Online dating has worked very well for me in North Thailand. Get quality pictures up, find girls who have recently moved to the area and message them. You have your online gig. The FEIE will allow you to pay 0 taxes beyond FICA taxes.

What's the worst that can happen? You'll get laid, realize the tropics isnt for you, and head back to Alaska with more experience. Flights can be had for under 300usd one way. Because you're still in the states, I'd recommend starting with a multi entry visa for as long as they allow. Use bestonwardticket to get a ticket out of the country to show immigration a few hours before your flight.

My girlfriend saw your picture of you hunting a moose. She asked "Is that ice on his eyebrows?!" The cold is too much for many woman.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

I will endeavor to find you a Midwestern bride for $2000 plus plane fare. 50% refund if it doesn't work out.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by theanimal »

@unemployable- Fair enough. I reacted emotionally.

@ffj- Thank you. That's a good point about keeping confidence up or at least the perception of it. No need for others to think of myself as weak or a charity case. A couple that I'm friends with almost looks as me as such. A lot of it is due to the guy though. Before their relationship he was in my boat and was frustrated/lonely enough to the point of tears on some nights. I found this kind of surprising, but not long after I had other friends reach out about feeling very alone. Not much up here for men in terms of community or romance. I don't know how the old timers did it.

@cheepnis- Thanks, yeah the missing link is often attributed to be power, right? Power aka having lots of resources or money is not demonstrated in the same ways up here. There are essentially zero luxury cars and a luxury home is far far less exquisite than what you'd have elsewhere. The symbols are different. I'm not wealthy yet, but I do have a well paying job and have about a dozen ways I could source income within a week or two. But yes, still less than someone older and wiser.

@bigato- Curiosity piqued. I'm not fully on board with the idea that it is entirely due to the fact that something is wrong with me since half of that time I lived in an area that had a population of 8 women, with the next town over 200 miles away. Nonetheless point taken.

@ego- Thank you. I saw that chart recently as well. The methods I use are friends and work. I tried online dating for a few months last year but was displeased with the results. Online doesn't really work as well up here since most women are already taken, then the ones that remain have their pick of the litter. The difference in messages received up here is pretty astounding with regards to female vs. male. I wouldn't be surprised if it was more than double other urban areas across the country.

@ST- That would be interesting. As you've mentioned it wouldn't really change much for me with my online gig. That'd make it very feasible. I'll have to think about it some more. Thanks for the idea.

@7W5- Haha I have no doubt you'd succeed. For now thanks but no thanks.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by prognastat »

theanimal wrote:
Wed Jul 17, 2019 6:20 pm
Definitely can empathize with the feeling as it's something I've definitely experienced since my ex and I agreed to divorce. I haven't focused on women yet, but its definitely getting tougher now that it's been a year since we agreed to divorce and half of that spent actually divorced.

I think there's a few things. Definitely agree being in Alaska isn't helping things. Alaska has the highest ratio of men to women of any state in the US which outside of your own efforts is already going to be working against you.

Generally my first advice would be to improve your friend circle if there aren't a lot of women in it(doesn't matter if they're single or not), but it sounds like you are already good friends with multiple couples and single women. Are your friends(most of all the female ones) introducing you to/setting you up on any dates/meetings with single friends of theirs? It might not be expressly a date, it could also be a meeting where a female friend of theirs that happens to be single just happens to also have been invited. A large portion of people are introduced to their partners through friends/acquaintances. If they're not try finding out why they aren't. For one they might give you a more useful response than simply asking why you haven't found any partners and two it might prompt them to actually take initiative for you there.
Last edited by prognastat on Thu Jul 18, 2019 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

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unemployable
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Re: the animal's journal

Post by unemployable »

Something else. It is possible those girls in fact DO see you as an attractive long-term mate and are simply back-burnering you while they sleep around with the tattooed construction worker types for now. Meaning you're doing absolutely nothing wrong. Keep playing the long game.

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by Kriegsspiel »

theanimal wrote:
Thu Jul 18, 2019 11:40 am
I'm not fully on board with the idea that it is entirely due to the fact that something is wrong with me since half of that time I lived in an area that had a population of 8 women, with the next town over 200 miles away.
I think you understand the primary issue. George Clooney couldn't pull chicks in that situation :D

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Re: the animal's journal

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Okey-Dokey. If you don’t want to shake the piggy bank quite that hard, I can maybe scrounge around in my warehouse and get you a 3 night stand with a pudgy older woman for just plane fare, helicopter ride, and 6 pack of moose burgers.

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