tzxn3's Journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I got my exam results recently; they were good enough to get me into my first choice university. I'm still not entirely convinced chemistry is the right choice from an ERE standpoint, but I might be able to get onto a different course. I'm considering physics, chemical engineering, or computer science as alternatives. It is one of the best universities in the country though, so maybe I'm being pessimistic. However, I will still have an awful lot of debt. Ideally I would like to go to a university in continental Europe to avoid the fees hike, but my parents would not be happy with that.
Most of my friends seem to think I should go to university this year instead of next, because if I don't I will spend a year sitting in my room. I personally think taking a year out will offer more opportunity to get my psychiatric issues sorted. Currently I feel profoundly lacking in motivation to study most of the time, which is not a good sign. Also, I think it's better to make a good decision after a year thinking about it, rather than quickly coming to a bad one which I later regeret.
People keep trying to convince me of the merits of the university "experience" for its own sake. I personally don't see it as cost-effective; I can probably devise much cheaper experiences which are equally worthwhile, if I so choose. I increasingly see university as a way to provide the bare minimum of credentials that employers demand.
This summer has been largely uninteresting. I initially tried to find a job, but that caused anxiety and panic attacks. I've started on medication to ease the depression. There's not really much else to say. Apologies if this post is not the most coherent; it's late and I am about to go to bed.


Dragline
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Post by Dragline »

It's pretty coherent. Taking a year off is no big deal and may do you some good -- but do have some kind of plan as to what you would do in the alternative.
For example, I have a niece that took a year off before college to travel with a singing group. She was very focused when she returned. My eldest son has a friend who is an avid rower but was asked to defer for a year by his top choice, so he's going to live at home and work on that.
People live a long time these days and there is no rush to get out there if you are not ready. But I would say you should have a definitive alternative, and sitting around thinking by itself really isn't going to make you feel better.


jacob
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Post by jacob »

All the those fields are hardcore and require studying around the clock. If you can't commit at that level, it's better to wait a year and then start fully motivated than start half-motivated and having to drag the study out.
In terms of employability, most physicists (at least the ones I studied with) end up either teaching physics in high school or doing software development/support.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I had a lot of problems with anxiety around exam time, which negatively impacted my studying. The main reason it turned out so well was the fact I have a time concession which I'm not certain I'll get at university. My semantic memory is above average, but generally I don't learn as effectively if I feel under pressure to perform.
I've also thought about doing mathematics as a degree, but in that case I'd have to settle for an "inferior" institution.


akratic
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Post by akratic »

In my opinion universities have been getting a bad rap recently mostly because of people going into debt for middle tier and bottom tier universities that don't really benefit them. Top tier universities, on the other hand, have always been a good investment. Especially with non-fluffy majors like the ones you're considering. The part that you cannot recreate on your own is the social network of the top tier university, and that's also the most valuable part.
So in general I think someone in your shoes should go. But I think it might be a good idea to deal with the mental health issues first. Instead of sitting in your room for a year, what if you were to travel, do a work-abroad program like WWOOFing, etc? To me, moving to Australia for a few months or something like that seems like a more direct way to confront mental health issues than holing up in your room does.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I've finished reading Jacob's book. I'm still not sure what to do. I don't really have a plan that doesn't involve going to university and becoming a professional, probably an actuary. I'm surrounded by people telling me I should go to university, either because it's the only way to get a job, or because I shouldn't miss out on the experience.
I mean, what else would I do? Jacob suggests learning a skilled trade, but I don't even know where I'd start with that. Besides, I enjoy intellectual pursuits.


chenda
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Post by chenda »

I think you have to recognise that whatever decision you make you will always have doubts; there will be no suddent moment of clarity when you are certain you've made the right decision. You will only know that in 5 or 10 years down the line, maybe not even then.
My advice though is that in your circumstances you should probably go. Its the best option in the absence of a clear alternative. I was in the same position at your age; I ended up doing a BA in History at a Russell group insitution. Throughout the three years I woundered whether it was all a waste of time and money, but looking back I don't regret doing it. A good degree can be worthwhile and it does give you more options.
From what you've said in other threads the financal costs are going to be minimised through parental support and good earning potential. Education is never entirely wasted whatever happens, and its not going to prevent you from persuing a trade or something else further down the line.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I think you're right. There is no real 'correct' decision. My debt burden can be minimised through application of 'simple living' principles and part time/summer work. I still quite like the idea of going to university in Europe, but I don't feel confident enough to commit to it. Perhaps that's a flaw.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I think I'm the sort of person who seeks immediate gratification. I like to have a feeling I've 'accomplished something'. This makes it difficult for me to execute plans over the long term. Basically, I lack patience.


chenda
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Post by chenda »

Yeah I think doing your degree abroad might only increase the anxiety you already feel. However, you might want to look at the possibility of doing say your second year or a semester abroad. This is often possible in the humanities at least.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I might see if I can get a transfer after the first year. I doubt my anxiety will increase. It seems to stay constant regardless of what I do.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

It seems to bother me that I see no good reason not to study in Europe. People have discouraged me due to the language barrier and the lower quality of student support, but the first I feel I am quite capable of overcoming, and the second I don't really see as too much of a problem.
I feel very invested in the idea of going to university this year, and I don't really know why. I'm also quite emotionally invested in the institution I've chosen.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I've been reading about the "big five" personality types. It seems I have low conscientiousness and high neuroticism. I initially thought it was simply the latter that was a problem, but it is the case that even when I'm medicated for the anxiety, I have a tendency to procrastinate. I'm considering trying some stimulants and nootropics in order to compensate for this.
The deadline for my student loan, when I have to actually decide whether to go to university or not, is looming. Part of me feels that I should give up thinking about this and simply go, but I also feel that would not be the optimal choice.
Also, I tried the clean and push press for the first time today. :D


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I have still failed to resolve this cognitive dissonance. I am continuing with my plan to go to university in the UK in spite of it not making economic sense. For many months it has seemed that whatever course of action I choose I will still feel some form of pain and regret. It is wearing me down. Now as the time of my course beginning approaches I am getting increasingly anxious. I spent the past three weeks playing video games in an attempt to try and forget.


GPMagnus
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Post by GPMagnus »

@ tzxn I hear and feel your pain. I know the pressure you are facing firsthand. Its a good thing because you are finally becoming an adult - one responsible for your own decisions and actions. The worst thing is to remain undecided and allow your life to meander mindlessly. Living means making choices - sometimes tough choices, but we are defined, eventually, by the sum of our choices.
Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss in person
Magnus


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

I'm dropping out of university, or at least deferring for a year. I'm simply not enjoying the experience, or prepared to suffer through it for supposed future happiness or profit. The people who tell me I'm missing out on something special are foolish. Happiness is derived from undergoing experiences that are valuable to you, and at the moment I simply don't see this experience as valuable (I recognise that may change, but then again, I can always go back). On top of that, for the past week I've had very bad fatigue (falling asleep mid afternoon) in spite of getting a decent amount of sleep, which isn't really conducive to the expected workload.
There's also the suggestion by some that my high intelligence means I have to fulfill some sort of academic potential. I question that, as surely if I'm that intelligent I should be capable of being successful under my own plans?
I'm currently thinking about taking courses on sites such as Udacity and Coursera, and enrolling in the Open University, so I can learn at closer to my own pace. I'm also going to work on my poker game, so I have the means to grind out a small wage as long as I have a computer with internet access.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

Nearly six months later and I haven't done anything.
I'll feel great for one or two days then feel terrible for weeks.
I think my main issue is my social ineptitude and the frustration it causes me, which sort of spirals and leads me to become more insular.
I'd like to thank everyone who's supported me.


chenda
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Post by chenda »

Sorry to hear how your feeling tzxn3; I can well understand the feelings of leathergy you describe.
Are you still on anti-depressants ? Maybe you need to review your treatment with your GP if your still feeling like this.


RealPerson
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Post by RealPerson »

The psychological and physical symptoms you bring up make me think you might have a case of pervasive developmental disorder, possibly bipolar. I know a young man with those symptoms. He was put on meds with an incredible result. Maybe worth exploring a more precise diagnosis? I really hate how many kids are being put on meds to improve school performance, but this situation does not fit that category in my opinion. It may be worthwhile to visit a mental health professional instead of the PCP for this. Best of luck.


tzxn3
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Post by tzxn3 »

Hi chenda! Thanks for the concern, it's good to know I'm not alone in this.
I gave up on the SSRI a few months ago, because it didn't make any noticeable difference to my mood.
I've been to see a couple of specialists, both on the NHS and privately, but neither has been particularly helpful.
I've finally managed to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for an assessment, though, so I'm hoping they'll be able to help.
NHS mental healthcare is rather terrible, and even private psychiatrists and clinical psychologists require a referral by a GP.
I think a lot of my problems are down to both a lack of engagement with people, due to my social disability, and a feeling that I'm being pushed down a certain life path by social pressure. It's difficult to articulate clearly.
----
RealPerson: I was diagnosed with asperger syndrome in early childhood. Unfortunately it's not something they can medicate easily.


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