Just Gravy

Where are you and where are you going?
ertyu
Posts: 1680
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by ertyu »

"Alighnment" seems to come up a lot. Suo's most recent post about his divorce led him to the same place: alignment and acceptance. Stay strong.

Hristo Botev
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:35 am
I got a couple blocks in and then let myself feel. I stopped swallowing down and fighting back all of it: the hurt, the grief, the frustration, the self-hatred, the guilt about letting everyone down, the anxiety about the future. So there I was at 4 a.m., walking my neighborhood and silently sobbing, like a fucking crazy person. Why can’t I just fake this, like I fake other aspects of my life? I’m fine putting on a mask for work or social gatherings, or, hell, even for my family. And the answer is that this, this relationship of husband/wife, actually means something to me, when very little else does. I’m fine with a mask at work because it’s finite, meaningless, a tool for survival. That’s not how I feel about marriage/partnership. It’s meaningful to me that that livewire connection crackles between our two souls; that we’re a safe space to drop the act and just be who we are, and while we don’t have to like everything about the other person, we accept the other person as they are. No “you should be this” or “why don’t you [X].”
This is probably the most beautiful and true thing I will read all week.
Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:35 am
I feel like I’m battling the expectation that mothers are martyrs—that once we have children we cease to be individuals with our own dreams and desires.
This made me think of Jason Isbell's song Molotov (https://genius.com/Jason-isbell-and-the ... tov-lyrics). It's written from his own husband/father's perspective, but I think it translates. And I love this line (note: the "little black Mercedes" is just a symbol):

Time flies when you're making babies
Do you miss your little black Mercedes
Do you miss the girl you once had time to be

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 83
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

ertyu wrote:
Mon Sep 21, 2020 7:19 am
"Alignment" seems to come up a lot. Suo's most recent post about his divorce led him to the same place: alignment and acceptance. Stay strong.
I really like that guy. If I plagiarized or made your morning ERE feed redundant, I apologize. :) Maybe these are the realizations that lead people to split, or at least give them the strength and resolve to do so.

@Hristo. Thanks. This line, too, hits from that song: "And I hope you still see fire inside of me."

Biscuits and Gravy
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Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

We moved from the house into the apartment this past weekend. We've spent the last two weeks downsizing (donating, selling, or giving away), cleaning, and organizing. The apartment is actually bigger than our house--3/2 vs. 2/1 and 1150 sq. ft. vs. 1000 sq. ft.--but we did lose the attic, the shed, and the yard. It's been a very busy time and I haven't had time to sit down and digest it. Couple of unprocessed thoughts:

Downsizing
It's been depressing to realize how little space I took up in my own house. Minus the furniture (which is shared and most of which are hand-me-downs from family) and the kitchen, I actually have very few possessions. I probably had five boxes of things to move that were purely "my shit." Conversely, my husband found it depressing to realize how much space he was taking up. He sold a few things on Facebook marketplace and, from our conversations, I'd guess he netted anywhere from $600-700.

I don't Facebook, so I used a neighborhood app to give away a lot of the things I figured people wouldn't pay for or I didn't really care if I got money back on. It felt good to be a part of the sharing economy, and I was really surprised by what and how quickly people would take. We tried to get DD involved--asked her to pick some books to give away to other kids, but she didn't really understand and just indiscriminately threw a load of books and toys into a box. It also seems to have done a wee bit of psychological damage--last night she saw one of her favorite stuffed animals in a box and tearfully pleaded with me not to give it away, even though I had no intention of doing so and we just hadn't unpacked it yet. I dunno. That brings me to

Moving with small kids
Ugh. They make it so much harder. You pack a box and turn around and Bubba cannonballs over and gleefully wrecks all of your work and then slips on [X] and cries and then its ten minutes of making him feel better and oh, Bubba, how about a cookie? and then big sister wants a cookie and then it devolves into story time and then you look up and 45 minutes have passed and the one box you tried to pack is sitting there, half undone by Bubba and big sister has probably scribbled on it and the shit in it with that Sharpie you left lying around. It sucks.

Anyway. Somehow we managed to pack up everything before the movers arrived. Yes, I spent $307 (plus 3 $20 tips) to hire three dudes to move all my shit. My wrist is still broken and, you know what, I'm too old for that now. I've moved 11 times in the last 14 years and I'm kinda sick of humping couches up onto a rented truck. And I purposefully sold my TSLA stake (out at $420--yes, also purposefully, in a nod to Mr. Musk's performance on Joe Rogan's podcast) to cover stuff like that. But back to the kids.

I agonized over the effect that this move would have on the children. They'll be raving monsters without their familiar space, I thought, but the reality is that they're raving monsters anyway. They did seem a bit more keyed up than usual this weekend, and I did find big sister curled up on the living room floor at 2 this morning, but they honestly seem to be adjusting pretty well. I mean, I grew up in a military family and we moved, I dunno, every few years when I was a young kid, and I turned out....... oh shit. I never should have moved my fluffy little biscuits! Oh well, too late now.

Apt. vs. House
We (well, the bank) owned the home for a few years and it just did not suit us. I actually really enjoy yardwork and keeping house, but I've had like 20,000 babies in the last few years and just did not have the time or energy for the upkeep of the house. The house's value has increased approximately 25% since we purchased it, but that is a very deceiving number. Sounds like a great ROI, right? Well, we haven't sold the house yet, but I have a spreadsheet all lined up with calculations and I'm just waiting to plug in that final sale number to do a full analysis on the actual ROI.

I remember when we bought the house we thought, Finally! Privacy!, but it really wasn't all that much more private than an apartment. It's in the city proper, has huge windows that all my neighbors can look through, we share a chain-link fence with one neighbor so no privacy there, and, at least in Texas, all of your neighbors are in your business. Which is a wonderful and awful thing. On the one hand, we're all friendly and help each other out and, whatever, keep an eye on each other's properties, but, on the other hand, within a day or two of me renting the garage apartment down the street, all of my neighbors asked my husband about the status of our marriage. I doubt my neighbors in our new apartment complex will care about the status of our marriage.

The apartment we moved into comes with a number of amenities: pools, on site gym, well-maintained green spaces, adjacency to a nice grocery store*, immediate access to one of my favorite parks in town, and a 15-minute bike commute to my work (vs. 30-minute from the house). Rent is about $80 less/month than my house payment. When we sell the house, I'll hopefully net anywhere between $30-50k and have that liquidity. $30k liquid means 6-12 months living expenses for all four of us, depending on how tight I cinch the belt.

*I absolutely love walking to the grocery store. The walk provides a great opportunity to decompress away from the kids and I have to forgo impulse purchases because I can only carry about two tote bags worth of groceries back to the apartment. Also, one of those tote bags is reserved for a gallon of milk and fruit. My children go through a truly baffling amount of milk and fruit. Like, six bananas a day. Yesterday Bubba ate two bananas, two pears, and three mandarin oranges. On top of normal mealtime. He is single-chubby-handedly destroying my ERE dreams.

Tl;dr: Moved from house to apt. Really happy with the move. Kids are fine, surprisingly resilient. Looking forward to selling the house and getting some [young money,] cash money[, yeah I'm universal].
Last edited by Biscuits and Gravy on Fri Dec 18, 2020 11:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hristo Botev
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

Congrats on the move! Be sure to get some rest, when you can (easier said than done, I know). As you no doubt know, moving drains you physically in a way that no other activity seems to; and you can wear yourself down and out (pretty sure moving is what put me in the hospital with pneumonia last fall).

classical_Liberal
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Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

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Last edited by classical_Liberal on Fri Feb 05, 2021 2:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

mooretrees
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by mooretrees »

Good news! Hopefully the wrist is healing up well.

It's actually amazing how adaptable kids can be. I do think some kids don't handle those changes well, so you've got some good eggs, umm, biscuits, over there.

Hopefully the house sells quickly!

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 83
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks, y’all! @Hristo Uncanny! Both kids fell seriously ill these past few days. At one point I was holding my whining son and rubbing his back while balancing on one foot and rubbing my whining daughter’s back with my other foot while she lay on the floor. They seem to be on the mend. They are resilient lil biscuits. I’m trying to get little breaks for my own sanity here and there.

Dr. said I’ve got new bone growth and should be healed up in 2 more weeks. I... got on the bike anyway to do a few loops around the complex parking lot. Felt. Fantastic. But! I’ll hold off on a real ride until doc gives me the green light. Lookit me. Maturing all over the fuggin place.

I’m absolutely loving the apartment and complex. Lots of families here, even some school-age. It’s zoned to a good elementary school, so maybe this is where I hang out for awhile. Unpacking and organizing all of my stuff, I realized I’ve been minimizing myself and my things in order to avoid inconveniencing others, namely my spouse. The lack of physical space I took up was a metaphor for how little I’ve been putting myself out there and standing up for myself. No more! I’m carving out a designated place for art in the apartment, where I can shut the door and just draw in peace.

Short-term goals:
Create art space
Sell house, heh
Let wrist heal and thennnnnnnn bike bike bikey bike
Keep biscuits breathing

Reading:
The World as Will and Representation
The Book of Mormon
Killing Commendatore

Hristo Botev
Posts: 1278
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Hristo Botev »

Glad to hear the biscuits are on the mend; and glad to hear you're getting little breaks where you can.
Biscuits and Gravy wrote:
Mon Oct 12, 2020 2:17 pm
The lack of physical space I took up was a metaphor for how little I’ve been putting myself out there and standing up for myself. No more! I’m carving out a designated place for art in the apartment, where I can shut the door and just draw in peace.
I seem to remember there being a really good quote out there, from a poem or from literature, but I couldn't find it. So unfortunately I'll have to rely on my own subpar expressiveness to say: Your objective in life is NOT to not be a bother. Or to share the John Lewis (tear) quote that's been viral lately, and that's at least tangentially related to what you're talking about: "Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble."

Biscuits and Gravy
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

The house sold in less than three days. Very pleased with the timing and price we got. Will post a breakdown of total cost of owning the home once I get a chance.

My “keep the peace” efforts unsurprisingly blew up in my face and I’m now facing the reality that I’ll be paying for my living arrangements and my ex’s until probably August 2021. I propose labeling my situation—divorcing and being on the hook for the cost of two households even though you can’t afford it—as Wheaton Level -1.

I’m happy, though. I’m on the path I want to be on, regardless of how many jagged rocks get stuck in my shoe. I’m uncovering cornerstones of myself in spite of or because of this path, and that is what I want. I could go on here, but I won’t. Really, I wanted to post this as a reminder to myself for the next few months:

Dial down the empathy, dial up the compassion.

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Alice_AU
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Location: Sydney Australia

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Alice_AU »

@Just Gravy, how did it happen? Sorry if it sounds intrusive... is it a court order or just a voluntary promise you made? If the latter I wouldn’t be too generous... a fully grown able man can get himself a job and pay his own rent thankyouverymuch....

classical_Liberal
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by classical_Liberal »

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Last edited by classical_Liberal on Fri Feb 05, 2021 2:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

Biscuits and Gravy
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

@Alice Nothing like that. Ex is very capable of getting a job. This was a prior commitment I made to him that he could stay home this year with the kids. Cost of (cheap) daycare around here is $1600/month for two, so paying his rent is cheaper than that. We are also staying married so he can be on my health insurance. Cuz ‘Merica.

@c_L I read your comment, thought, psh I sound nothing like that, then turned around, pulled dinner out of the oven, and shouted, “food, y’all!” to my biscuits. Sigh. Walking talking cliche over here. Even got the boots. We should meet up, if you’re fixin’ to come through my neck of the woods! And yes, completely agree about the emotional cost. I would take how I feel now over all the money the world.

Biscuits and Gravy
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Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Home sale closes in two weeks. I’ve been trying to do napkin math for my budget. I kept an absolute beauty of a spreadsheet for the last five years to track all of our expenses, but I stopped tracking in February after we split finances and shtf. So, my napkin budget looks like this:

Net monthly income: 4150
Rent 1: 1500
Cell phones: 100
Elec + Water: 150
Car insurance: 160
Car gas/maintenance/fees: 100
Food + Diapers: 800 (Very high estimate)
Internet: 40

That leaves me $1300, right? (No really, double check that for me; I’m dismal at math). That’d be ex’s rent (1000) and some extra for his retirement fund. I think I could possibly swing paying for his place and mine without having to dip into my cash reserves. I would have to dip into my reserves for any unforeseen large expenses, but this setup would only be until he gets a job and the kids go back to daycare (Aug. 2021), then I’d be paying my half of the daycare (800) instead of 1300, so 500 of wiggle room later on, plus my food, cell, and car lines would be reduced once he’s providing for himself. ...I dunno, though. Still seems risky. After the house sells, I’ll have probably $30-35k of cash, and my job is as secure as they get, but this still seems risky to me. Maybe offering 1000/month would be fair. He’s got side hustles that net him 300ish/month and his coffers are much larger than mine.

Confession: Sometimes, usually after I read all of the doom and gloom, end of the world news, I fantasize about taking the sale proceeds from the house and blowing it all on a souped-up, brand new Tacoma. And me and my taco truck will drive around town with nothing to do, burnin’ cash and gas like it’s going out of style, and I’ll blare country music (you heard me—COUNTRY. Like, specifically that one Jason Aldean song that’s like “yeehaw she’s country y’all!) and tip my hat at people. Anyway. That’s my escapist fantasy right now. A badass taco truck. Writing it out, especially up here, I’m thinkin’ I need a less consumer-y, more interesting fantasy.
Last edited by Biscuits and Gravy on Sat Nov 14, 2020 10:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Well, at least you’ll be running your own numbers now. Divorce is always a money pit initially. You should also definitely get something that is like the truck, but not the truck. I just ordered a black corset and a dress with monkeys on it, but my breakup is much more minor. Boots? Alcohol?

Biscuits and Gravy
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Seems irresponsible, for a number of reasons, but then again the world and my marriage and ending, so maybe I should let myself be irresponsible for once. Maybe I’ll compromise and get an older, used taco truck. Hmm. You know, I didn’t even tie the want for the taco truck to the breakup, but you’re right, that *is* why I want it. Cuz it’s something just for me, for once.

LiquidSapphire
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 6:40 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by LiquidSapphire »

Hi there :)

I just wanted to chime in with... you wanna know why divorce is so expensive?

...
...
...

cause it's worth it :)

I suspect you will be just fine. Once you get out of a bad situation and release all the stress of a bad relationship, other problems often start to magically fix themselves too.

Hugs to you.

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 83
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Thanks, LiquidSapphire, that means a lot to me. And I really needed a hug today, thanks! :)

Jin+Guice
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Re: Just Gravy

Post by Jin+Guice »

Hold up, is it a taco truck because it's a Tacoma or are you becoming a burrito entrepreneur? Also, why are you blaring some other song and not "Cocaine Country Dancing" in this fantasy?

Biscuits and Gravy
Posts: 83
Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2020 1:38 pm

Re: Just Gravy

Post by Biscuits and Gravy »

Dude, tacos and burritos are totes different. It’s not a Burricoma! Love the song, it’s track 2 in the fantasy now.

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