AE's Journal Round 4

[IlliniDave]

Maybe the trick is to avoid forming a world view at all. Try to be prepared for as many eventualities as possible but then live your life in an almost short-sighted way. Dunno.

That's my faux Zen way of handling it. We aren't meant to know the future and trying to put it in a neat box results in stress as we worry abut things that are just nightmares we are fabricating that may never come true. I'm guilty of trying to think three moves ahead, but I try not to get attached to hypothetical scenarios. I accept that my sphere of influence is tiny, try my best to make it a little better. But a long time ago I accepted that the fate of humans is nature taking it's course by definition.

[AnalyticalEngine]

With collapse, it was easy for me to intellectually understand what was happening. But living through it is an entirely different emotional roller coaster. When the problem is far off and abstract, it's easy to rationalize it as "well that's in 20 years and I don't have control over it anyway." But when you have to witness the human suffering up close and personal, suddenly that rationalization doesn't work so well any more.

Degrowth is another example. It's really easy to be like "I support degrowth for the sake of the planet." But a shrinking economy now means it's even harder to find a job you can tolerate when the number of jobs and income is shrinking. I think collapse is a lot like that.

Even though I've spent the last couple of years actively trying to learn ways to deal with this, I still get teary at least once a week over something lost to (or crushed by) humanity. And as much as I'd like to be numb to it sometimes, I don't think I want to be the kind of person who is numb to it. So I let myself grieve.

I definitely struggle with this too. It's painful to watch humanity not only destroy the natural world, but also even the artificial world we created as well as our fellow humans. I think both love and grief are two sides of the same coin, and to love something is to also grieve its loss. Staying human in the face of collapse means looking it in the eyes and being brave enough to let yourself experience grief. To become numb to grief is also to give up love, and to give up love of life is to consign oneself to depression. It's a hard balance to walk, and we live in a weird and difficult moment in history. The best thing we can probably do is to be kind to ourselves and others.

As for the "death of the world view," I think what caused the most despair for me was realizing (most) of the world's problems are caused by our inability to work together. Climate change is technically solvable. Many infectious diseases are technically solvable. Even social problems are technically solvable. But climate change is completely politically unsolvable. Even if we can convince every single American to go full sustainable, there's 8 billion people on the planet. Getting them to work together is impossible.

This coordination problem is also the reason for a lot of corporate crap. It's easy to be an ant on the ground and think "why do we do this? My job is stupid." But when you're trying to organize thousands or tens of thousands of people, that much coordination can only be done through hierarchy and bureaucracy.

So we're basically screwed.

Now, again to be clear, misanthropy is also another trap to avoid for the same reason utopian thinking should be avoided. Humanity isn't brilliant but neither is it pure evil. It Just Is, in the same way a deadly plant disease that kills half the forest Just Is. It's really easy to get caught up in casting normative judgements on all this, but that's all just a form of hubris. Anthropocentrism can be the belief that we are above nature or that our downfall is uniquely tragic. When in reality, it's neither.

But it is still a real loss to see things you once loved die, no matter the reason. Sometimes the thought of no one driving the car can be more terrifying than if the driver was the devil himself.

[AnalyticalEngine]

Breaking out of the salaryman-mindset

I've been taking antidepressants for a few weeks now, and they're actually starting to help. This has helped me see a few realizations and make some much-needed changes.

Consumerism as a reward for work
One problem I think I had was viewing consumption as a reward for hating work. This looked a bit different for me than what you usually assume for this problem. I wasn't buying designer handbags, expensive cars, etc. But I was spending a lot on eating out and assorted technogadets. Attempting to give that stuff up through sheer willpower wasn't helping. I hated my job, then "self-medicated" through consumption. I couldn't quit my job because I had a very entrenched salaryman-mindset.

Actually accepting the collapse stuff, and not trying to ignore it, has actually helped a ton with motivation. Namely, if/when collapse continues, I won't have access to restaurants/technogadgets. Additionally, consumption is one thing causing collapse in the first place. I always felt guilty consuming these things because I knew I was part of the problem. But I've since realized that I shouldn't do something then feel guilty. I should either just do it and accept that this is what I want OR stop doing it. Since this isn't really what I've want, this train of logic actually made me just not even want those things now.

Quitting video games and social media
Another thing I did was delete all my internet accounts (except this one of course) and stop playing video games. This one represents significant personal progress. I've been really into video games since I was a kid, and it's one of the things that got me into programming in the first place.

Quitting video games is an extension of quitting consumerism. The problem with all this stuff, video games and social media, is that it's essentially just another way for companies to make money off consumers. Yeah, video games can be fun to play, but that's really beyond the point.

I've also been into this stuff long enough to start feeling bad that all the stuff I liked as a kid/teen/young adult is basically irrelevant now. But really, why wouldn't it be? The entire industry is based on continuously churning out content. No one is going to care about random game from the 90s because that game was always designed to be thrown away eventually. And likewise, any games from today are going to be even more irrelevant in 10 years from now.

The problem with being excessively invested in video games is therefore not just that they're a waste of time. It's that they're another form of planned obsolescence and consumerism, and caring too much about anything that inherently transient is only going to lead to disappointment.

Also, video games, movies, etc are destroying the environment just as much as any other form of consumerism. Not only do the computers, equipment, etc all cost a lot to manufacture, video games/movies depend on massive teams of people being paid to produce those products. Even if it looks like that $60 went to "free" bits downloaded from the ether, the game didn't come out of nowhere, and all revenue from the game is being spend on wages, products, lifestyle for employees, etc.

Being into this hobby was causing cognitive dissonance for all those above reasons. Ultimately, I need to be more deliberate with what I value and where I spend my time.

I'm still in massive chore debt, so from all the newfound freetime, I'm still attempting to dig out of it. It has been an adjustment because this stuff was consuming MASSIVE amounts of my time (on the tune of ~40 hours a week I'm ashamed to admit). But I just don't think it was possible for me personally to make progress when I'm wasting that much time on stuff.

Using time strategically
I have a lot of progress to make in order to truly live in accordance with ERE-principles/collapse-principles. One thing I need to do is be more creative about solving my own problems. Working from home has caused a structure-vacuum that disrupted a lot of my life. I'm trying therefore to plan my week in advance in order to reach higher level goals.

Also, living in Colorado, one ERE/ecology thing I've been meaning to research is the groundwater situation in the state. They're currently pumping every non-renewable aquifer, as well as the Colorado River, in order to support all the massive growth we've had here over the years. I want to be more educated on this topic because I sense a future freshwater crisis here.

[AxelHeyst]

I highly recommend the book Cadillac desert, nonfiction, and then “the water knife” by Paulo Bacigalupi (edited to get the spelling right), for water stuff.

[Kriegsspiel]

I thought the same thing. Good books.

[AnalyticalEngine]

Thanks for the book suggestion, everyone. I've now got that title on hold at the library.

Tech Usage
I've massively cut down on the amount of Internet/video games that I was spending time on. As I've mentioned before, this was nearly 35-50 hours a week across all devices. I've been using RescueTime to track this for a few years. Looking back on my usage, it's hard to know if that excess use was a factor of untreated depression or if it was causing depression. I always made excuses for how much I was using this stuff, mostly in tune with "someday I will FI and then I won't use this as much." I think there was also an element of being salty about work that I used as an excuse. Like, "This capitalist corporate consumerism man is trying to oppress me through work. I'll rebel by being a crappy employee and use my phone a lot at work. None of this matters anyway, so it's fine if I waste time on trivial pursuits since work is so oppressive and consumerism is a lie."

I've come to realize there's pretty much no amount of this stuff that's healthy for me. And while still staying 100% off it is a struggle, I am making progress, and I know my previous mindset was very unhealthy. I'm going to continue to "de-tech" my life.

Work
I've decided I'm not going to quit software yet. The reasons for this are threefold:

1. I feel like I never 100% applied myself, and I would regret leaving now - It feels like I have unfinished business because I know I'm capable of more than I've done so far. I want to view leaving work as a "graduation" and not an "escape."

2. I can build the skills I need at work - Coronavirus has taught me I really run the risk of being disengaged/isolated if I just randomly try to quit now. Work is one way that I can stay engaged in the community, and it's a good way to meet people. And in order for me to ERE successfully, I need to be much better at networking and finding interesting opportunities than I am now. Sticking with software a little longer will help teach me how to manage my time, play the political game more successfully, and network on a higher level than I currently do. Additionally, there's a lot of educated people in the software profession, and I have an easier time meeting other educated/networked/people I can learn from at work than I do in the random community.

3. Being a software developer affords me a certain amount of privileged - The reality of collapse is that it's just everything getting slightly crappier and risker every year. Having skills and networks that are currently highly valued helps me avoid getting trapped by the bottom of the pyramid dropping out. I hate to say that, because it sounds extremely cynical, but the sad reality is software development skills are currently highly valued. If I found myself losing everything I owned in a fire/stock market collapse/whatever, it's still likely that in the (near future), software developers will be needed.

However, this decision is not without risks, mainly:

Salaryman-mindset and Too Much Money
The risk of being a software developer is you make too much money. I know that sounds like First World Problems, but hear me out. Since deciding to stick with my career, I've found it way harder to care about how much I spend. I'm not going off the deep end or anything, but all these tiny expenses add up. And it's really hard to care about spending $10 on lunch everyday when you make $100k/year. Yet ERE isn't about saving money for the sake of being cheap. It's about designing your life with a systems/ecological mindset because that leads to interesting opportunities and greater serendipity. It's easy to think "I've earned this," but eating out comes with externalities like weight gain, damage to the environment, employees working shitty restaurant job, etc. Riding your bike to the supermarket to cook vegan dinner comes with more positive flows and less waste, but it's harder to do that when saving $5 feels pointless.

Actionable path forward
So to stick with all this stuff, I'm going to do a better job recording things and planning my time. Namely:
1. Start tracking expenses in Oct again
2. Continue to use RescueTime to track internet usage
3. Use planner/pomodoro technique at work to stay on task

I'll be posting my expenses and RescueTime metrics here in my journal to hold myself accountable.

[classical_Liberal]

SInce deciding to stick with my career, I've found it way harder to care about how much I spend. I'm not going off the deep end or anything, but all these tiny expenses add up. And it's really hard to care about spending $10 on lunch everyday when you make $100k/year. Yet ERE isn't about saving money for the sake of being cheap.

This is a hard trap I never figured out. For me, it was a hard constraint on life energy or maybe time (although I can always use my time better). When you make six figures, saving $10 here or there will never be a motivator. Demotivating factors, such as lack of free time and energy will win out, every-single-time. At least for me. I will never spend an hour of time and hard work trying to roll out a large batch of my own tortillas when it only saves me $3. It doesn't matter that mine taste better, are healthier, and it doesn't matter that I'm reliant on the complex economy to get my tortillas. It's just too much work, and too much time consumption, and too much mental space (ie thinking I have to get this done), when I have to spend 60 hours a week at, recovering from, or preparing for work.

Now, there are some superstars out there who can have a FT six figure career or business, have a family, and do this kind of stuff without "outsourcing" to the economy. I just don't think that's most people, so there have to be tradeoffs. Also, if one comes to view making tortillas as a chore vs an enjoyable activity, it changes the nature of the task. When running on an empty tank of gas, almost all of these small things are viewed as chores. So, I think if you made the decision to focus on your career, you should really be kind to yourself in other realms. Don't try to ERE-ize everything, if it becomes an extra chore to you. These things are best done, in my experience, when you have the time and energy to integrate this stuff into your life in a positive manner. Not in a "scramble to get it done" manner.

Anyway, congrats on making a decision. I think that always brings a little peace of mind. When it's time to make other things the priority, hopefully you'll know.

[AxelHeyst]

^That probably partially explains the phenomenon of people who FI from FT work realizing that they overestimated what their burn rate would be post-work? Because their FT lifestyles, even though fairly frugalized, had room for further efficiencies once life-energy was freed up to spend on things like tortilla rolling.

This might not be relevant for you AE but I recently stumbled across a technique I've found useful. I have a little flip case on my phone. I stick a folded bit of paper and rubber band it to my phone. When I go to use my phone, I scribble on the piece of paper what I'm opening the phone for - "comms", "navigation", "recipe". It's really helped me cut down on mindless phone use by forcing me to be intentional about what I'm using it for, and I have to undo this rubber band to get to it. It's enough of a 'barrier' that I'll realize consciously what I'm doing if I am just bored-mind grabbing the phone for an unnecessary swipe through my inboxes.

[classical_Liberal]

had room for further efficiencies once life-energy was freed up to spend on things like tortilla rolling.

Yeah, except they are no longer viewed as (in)efficiencies and not viewed through a monetary gain lense. Even without job income, $3/hr is still not worth the hard labor ( it is, I sweat!) of tortilla rolling. At least if placed in contrast of an hour of work from even a minimum wage job. It's worth it for the all the other reasons though. Plus, even though I would never spend 40 hours a week doing this, spending one or two hours a month doing it, on my own schedule, while refining my technique, trying different flours or oils, is actually super fun.

I really think it's this change of attitude that represents the moat from WL5 to WL6 for high income earners. Particularly when one more week of high income work can garner you store bought tortilla for life at a 3% WR. You have to want to make them. In order to want to make them, you need a full tank of gas, so to speak. Which I never had when working FT. Hence a paradox.

[AxelHeyst]

Yep, totally, it's just that the "burn rate" calculated by the FT'er is typically lower post-quittin' because they find all these non-$$ reasons to do stuff that happens to be less expensive. I just switched from butter to coconut oil. I swear the texture is better, and while they're a little more bland, they went from $.24/tortilla to $.11/tortilla! And the taste is no issue - you're supposed to stuff 'em full of tasty spicy stuff anyways so it's all good. Also: TOTAL game changer when I found where FIL had stashed the rolling pin and stopped using my dented canteen.

And now that I'm here, my lip curls a little at the idea of buying tortillas made by someone else. And not because storebought tortillas are $1/tortilla. It's just not "who I am" anymore.

[classical_Liberal]

I've only used unsaturated oils, nothing solid at room temp even. I've got a whole vat of coconut oil, I'll try it next time.

Edit: If you can't tell by my example, I just got done with a batch.

TOTAL game changer when I found where FIL had stashed the rolling pin and stopped using my dented canteen.

I can't imagine without a good rolling pin! You are more a renaissance man than I will ever be!

[7Wannabe5]

What if you don’t have enough time/energy to make your own tortillas because you are too busy breeding your own custom variety of corn?

[AnalyticalEngine]

Now I'm reminded of the chapter of the Omnivore's Dilemma that's written from the perspective of corn domesticating humanity.

I do agree on the FT employment eating up all your time and energy. That really is going to be the key challenge here. You have to really want your systems design for the sake of the systems design in and of itself. Sometimes the "waterhose" of salary money can be as much of a curse as it is a blessing. But at least for this time in my life, I'm single and childless for the foreseeable future. This does at least free up more energy that I can direct toward other things. Indeed, I have to be extra vigilant to not turn into a weird hermit, as I have seen with CV-19, so I'm hoping I have energy to balance FT-work and skill building for now. I'm sure someday I will be burned out, but at least then I'll feel properly ready to quit and not so conflicted about the decision.

And it does help to approach work with a real goal in mind too. It's not so much "I have to work for money" as "I need to build this skill and this job will help me do that." Obviously there are many things I don't like about work, but it does help to try to have better alignment.

On Internet usage - I looked up the stats (Bond Internet Trends 2019), and the average adult spent 6.3 hours a day on computer/internet a day in 2018. 3.6 of that is phone, 2 is laptop/desktop. The vast majority of my internet use comes from my desktop, so I suppose I am a bit different in that regard. I do have my phone pretty dumbed down (no internet browser, battery lasts super short because it's ancient so I can't use it much). It would be nice to go full flip-phone though. What I've really gotta do is peel myself away from the desktop and do more stuff "IRL," which is a bit of a struggle since this is a bad habit years in the making.

Still 6.3 hours a day = 37 hours a week for a "normal" person, so I guess my usage IS more similar to "normal" than I thought. Still, "normal" here seems like an absurdly low bar that I want to avoid.

[classical_Liberal]

@7Wb5
Then I hope you figured out a low life energy source of tortillas!

[5ts]

Seems like you are doing quite well and I will speak for the group by saying we're quite happy for you.

Also, living in Colorado, one ERE/ecology thing I've been meaning to research is the groundwater situation in the state. They're currently pumping every non-renewable aquifer, as well as the Colorado River, in order to support all the massive growth we've had here over the years. I want to be more educated on this topic because I sense a future freshwater crisis here.

I share this concern. I hope you will post some info here if you find something useful/interesting.

[AnalyticalEngine]

@5ts - Thanks, I'm trying to keep my head above the water as best I can. This pandemic has overturned a lot about my life, but I think it's also been an opportunity for me to learn some lessons I needed to learn.

I'll let you know on the water too. Preliminary research has me worried, not just for the local water supply, but how integrated the entire system is. After all, a lot of food is imported to the state, and all those crops need water (which is also coming from non-renewable sources) to grows.

Thinking Strategically
I'm still struggling with procrastination and structuring my time/environment to suit my long term goals. It's gotten better than it used to be, but I've come to realize that I have a lot to learn with time management/strategic planning. Has anyone here struggled with a similar problem? What worked for you?

[AxelHeyst]

Single biggest thing for me was GTD.

The thing is, I got a lot out of GTD, but I found GTD when I still had strong reserves of life-energy, and I was just first coming up against the limits of "hustling harder" and looking for how to hustle smarter. GTD took a lot of investment in time and energy to get a solid practice going, but it was worth it. Well, "worth it" implies some long term success which is subjective. A strong GTD practice enabled me to get more stuff done, in a calmer manner, while losing track of less stuff. I was able to see "the big picture", get a good feel for what I had going on, and make better more intuitive decisions about what I ought to be working on at any given time. It also helped clarify how to move forward, specifically, right now, on any given project I chose to work on. (Often, people think they lack motivation when what they actually lack is clarity. Any time I sense myself procrastinating, I find it's often because I haven't truly clarified what the next actionable step is.).

To get really clear on GTD, I consider the "core" of the practice to be the weekly review. Once you've picked up the basics, the lingo, the ways of thinking about things, the most important thing is to consistently do the weekly review. They'll be hard at first, but gets easier and more flowy as you go, and it builds up a firm mental model of all your "stuff".

I got out of GTD what I put in to it, and I put a lot in to it (and I was at a place in my life where I was *able* to put a lot in to it). I think a lot of people put a little bit in to GTD, and don't get a good return on their investment of time and energy. GTD is *not* worth it if you only half-ass it.

Now that I'm semiERE... I still love GTD, still do my weekly reviews, still have my project and next actions lists. I feel like my brains and dreams and goals would just ooze out of my ears if I didn't have a strong, well structured GTD system. But - my life isn't necessarily "structured" - the whole point is relaxed focus, and the ability to calmly adapt to unfolding circumstances. The system isn't rigid, unless you mess it up.

[AnalyticalEngine]

@AH - Thanks for the suggestion, I now also have GTD on hold at the library. It sounds perfect for what I'm looking for. In order to ERE successfully, I need to be able to structure time and goals outside of work. GTD sounds like a good way to align the big picture with daily actions.

On Hobbies
The problem with a lot of modern "hobbies," such as video games, Netflix, social media, what have you, is that they are essentially dissociative. That is, they are designed to alienate you from yourself by encouraging states where you are essentially stuck inside your own head and forget the physical world/your body exists. This also explains a lot of our modern day physical and mental alignments. Depression, anxiety, obesity, consumerism, etc are all states of alienation from one's body and one's self.

Additionally, the problem with a lot of """geek culture""" is that this is essentially just another consumer identity. """Geek culture""" has expanded significantly in recent years, but it's an identity based entirely off consuming whatever entertainment product is the latest trend.

The "Getting rid of your TV (addiction)" step of ERE is therefore hugely significant. It's not even so much about the time sink of TV/Netflix/Video games/Social media (although this alone is significant). It's about undoing years of dissociative behavior. Dissociation leads to problems such as mental illness, lifestyle disease, and not even knowing what you want any more because you've completely lost touch with your physical body/brain.

Undoing dissociation is challenging because you have to learn to live with yourself again, but it's a critical step in coming to acceptance with the imperfection that's inherent in life. It's also impossible to truly ERE unless one learns to overcome dissociative behaviors. If one achieves FIRE without building a solid relationship with oneself/one's body, you risk ending up in "redditFI," where your entire life resolves around consuming products (video games/entertainment/antenna TV). And so to some extent, redditFI is a fate worse than working.

These dissociative hobbies have been a significant part of my life all the way since high school. To escape them (and associated lifestyle/mental diseases), I've had to basically give it all up cold turkey. This has been good because I know realize what I need to do to fix my life. But it's also difficult because I now realize just how much work there is to do.

Still, there is no substitute for it. One cannot truly live life in a state of chronic dissociation, and one certainly cannot achieve ERE without being present in one's own life. And to become present in your own life, you have to give up everything that was training your brain to dissociate in the first place.

[AnalyticalEngine]

Financial Shenanigans
I just updated my quarterly networth, and now I have about $433k. $180k is in equity in my condo, $180k is locked in retirement accounts, and the rest ($53k) is cash (courtesy of me hoarding cash all this year).

This is a lot of money, and I should be happy my investments have done so well, but it actually just makes me nervous. I increasingly feel like the fed is propping up asset prices, making initial buy-in more expensive for anyone still earning a wage. When you couple this with how much food prices have gone up, it just feels like a weird form of inflation that really only hurts wage earners.

Especially housing prices. I bought my first condo in 2012 for $115k. Now a condo will cost $300k. I guess I'm lucky and got in to ride the market up, but it feels like a house of cards.

I was so sure it was going to pop this year, but I guess the fed can just prop up asset prices ad infinitum.

I definitely need to put more thought into my investing strategy going forward. I've just been doing index-tracking ETFs, but I can definitely see the weakness in this strategy.

At least I have the condo. Gen Z is pretty much screwed.

[Hristo Botev]

but I guess the fed can just prop up asset prices ad infinitum.

Until they can't, and they we're really screwed.

I definitely need to put more thought into my investing strategy going forward. I've just been doing index-tracking ETFs, but I can definitely see the weakness in this strategy.

I'll be interested to see where you land on this, as I share your concerns, and am currently employing a similarly weak investment strategy.