The Education of Axel Heyst

[RoamingFrancis]

Glad you haven't touched your stash. I'm curious to see what strategy you come up with to address your current situation.

I'm probably due for a long and detailed journal update myself. Until then, peace!

[RoamingFrancis]

Unfortunately most of our ideal goals are illegal in most areas

https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Want- ... 0963810952

Reminds me of this book (which I haven't read)

[classical_Liberal]

We just get dissatisfied with our circumstances, and try somewhere else.

Interesting, I always thought this feeling was a major part of what defines me as someone who does like to travel.

[AxelHeyst]

Hmm. Touche, c_L. Maybe I do like "travel", which for me means "meander off to somewhere else every 3-9 months". Most people who enjoy travel do so from some sort of home base from which they can recharge. I haven't felt like I really had a home base that was "mine" since late 2015, and that was just a hellaciously expensive apartment in the SF Bay Area. It suspect it's the home-base-less-ness that is getting old - and this was compounded by the stress of jamming FT work in to a rootless lifestyle. To your point, I'm far from convinced that I'd enjoy being planted any more. The idea of being in one place for basically 12 months a year is somewhat terrifying.

--
Building Spare Capacity
https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/?ck_su ... =389165773
^Scott Young just dropped this today. tl;dr = free up time and energy in your life, do more stuff you actually want to do. I'm starting to drop in to this lifestyle, having 4/5'd my work obligations, and am discovering it's not a linear change to my life. I feel like I'm moving in to a very qualitatively different sort of arrangement. What I'm viewing myself as capable of now is more than 4/5's greater than what I thought I was capable of before.

This has to do with the difference of what you can do with a full life-energy tank vs. a depleted life-energy tank.

I've started to build a morning routine:
Wake up, drink 16oz water with salt and lime, go for a short bike ride/walk/trail run, do bodyweight strength exercises, do yoga, cold shower, breakfast, sit down with coffee to draw for 60-120 minutes. I keep my phone and computer off until after this is all done.

As I'm out of shape, I'm approaching the exercise very gradually. My goals for health/fitness are ambitious, but I'm taking a "patient man on a long journey" approach. My focus right now is building showing-up habits and consistency, and not injuring myself. After this I'll move in to a phase of learning and building a more sophisticated program - my experience is bodybuilding and powerlifting, and I want to learn bodyweight/minimal equipment styles that I can execute no matter my shelter/location situation.

The titles I've scoped out for this are
Overcoming Gravity: A Systematic Approach to Gymnastics and Bodyweight Strength
Becoming a Supple Leopard 2nd Edition: The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance by Kelly Starret
If the reviews are close to correct, these are the "teach a man to fish" books that will allow me to create my own programs with a solid understanding of the principles, as opposed to just adopting (copying) other programs. Anyone have experience with these/this pursuit?

Big-Picture Thought of the Day:
Something I want out of ERE is to *speed up*, to be able to reclaim my ambition, my energy, to put the hammer down *in a sustainable fashion*. Burnout for me has looked like slowing down, apathy. I'm don't want to semiERE so I can slow down and chill -- I actually want to speed up, do more, unlock my energy and vitality, fulfill my potential. I've been stuck/stopped for years. I want to go.

[2Birds1Stone]

Becoming a Supple Leopard 2nd Edition: The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance by Kelly Starret
If the reviews are close to correct, these are the "teach a man to fish" books that will allow me to create my own programs with a solid understanding of the principles, as opposed to just adopting (copying) other programs. Anyone have experience with these/this pursuit?

I have a very similar background to you re: training (competed at a high level in drug free BB and dabbled in competitive RAW PL) and found quite a bit of value in this book, mostly from an injury prevention/increasing mobility standpoint, though it's been quite a number of years since I read it. When I was young and stubborn those were two areas I greatly ignored and ultimately got hurt. Now that I'm older and wiser (ha!), longevity and functional physical conditioning are more of what I'm after.

[classical_Liberal]

I actually want to speed up, do more, unlock my energy and vitality, fulfill my potential. I've been stuck/stopped for years. I want to go.

The freedom bells are ringing. I can't remember if it was in the ERE book or a blog post where @jacob uses the analogy of a dog who's stuck behind an invisible fence, even after the collar's been removed. I'm a year into semi-ERE and I still find myself struggling to remember... there is no fence.

[jacob]

http://earlyretirementextreme.com/what-is-freedom.html

[AxelHeyst]

That electric-fence metaphor has been haunting me this week, as I work further/deeper through the layers of unconscious behaviors and attitudes.

Last week was my fifth week of semiERE, but my first week not driving my brains out or otherwise being in dirtbag survival mode. I thought I could initiate my morning routine, take care of a backlog of logistical paperwork stuff, and relax.

Long story short, I managed to get my stress and overwhelm levels back up to "normal" by Thursday.

.My morning routine was overambitious. It involved three different kinds of exercise and then no less than ninety minutes focusing on my new ultralearning project (drawing), before moving on to any work obligations as well as life logistics.
.DW and I spent most of last week thinking the next best move for us was to build two (yes, two) tinyhouses. Before winter. So I also started designing those, and doing a bunch of research on zoning regulations and building permit issues.
.Some relationship stuff DW and I are working out.

By Friday, it was obvious that I was overdoing it. That surge of energy I felt the week prior was nothing more than a promise, a teaser. I am *not* recovered yet. My life-energy tanks are still lower than I realize. And I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm addicted to cortisol, which is apparently an actual thing I heard about in a podcast (for people who experience chronic stress due to their environment, if you remove the stressors (by, for example, taking them out of the work environment), they'll find ways to introduce/manufacture stress in their lives to reproduce that sweet sweet hit).

I'm back on "Plan Fuckitol". The only "rules"/limits I have at the moment are, no checking my phone first thing in the AM, and still no alcohol. Other than that, I'm only doing either
a) strictly have-to-do's, like my minimal work obligations and grocery shopping, and
b) precisely whatever I feel like doing, and nothing more.

A big thing I've realized is my sense of time. For over a decade, there was a fire burning or starting to burn somewhere. So 90 minutes was about the maximum I could spend focused on any one thing, because then I'd have to go running around with buckets of water and checking for new flare-ups, to keep things manageable. A good friend of my mine (who is dealing with her own de-stress journey at the moment as well) reminded me to think of what was great about childhood. One thing was getting lost in an activity for hours and hours and hours. I'd like to get back to being able to do that - to train my brain that it's *okay* to get lost for hours.

I also am no longer sure I know with any degree of certainty what the actual fuck I want out of life. I spent last week thinking I definitely wanted to build some tiny houses and "settle down" a bit. Then I was reminiscing about being a roaming dirtbag. I suspect a lot of my desires and plans over the past few years have been more about getting *away from* the stress of my life, rather than *towards* what I actually want. So I feel like until I can really, truly come down from my stress addiction and burnout, making permanent plans/intentions is a fools errand.

--

I signed up for health insurance through the ACA. I already made too much money this year, so I don't qualify for any subsidies. $277/mo. Next year I ought to be able to qualify for <$100 coverage, assuming I don't blow my income on freelance projects. Like I said above, though, I don't/can't know what I'm going to want to do in 2021 yet. Maybe I'll be perfectly happy keeping my income that low (+401k deferrals etc), or I'll get involved in something cool that will make paying more for coverage worth it because I'll make well more than the subsidy cliff penalizes me. Hakunah matata either way.

[RoamingFrancis]

I think it's interesting that you find yourself capable of manufacturing your own stress.

Maybe try choosing a handful of projects that you find most important, and focusing on them exclusively for a month or so. Maybe a morning/evening routine + 1 project.

Just my two cents, take with a large grain of salt.

[AxelHeyst]

Nah, that’s pretty much exactly what I just tried. It seems I need to channel my inner six year old for a spell.

That sounds like a fine approach... in a little bit. I’m too fried right now.

PS it doesn’t *feel* like I’m manufacturing my own stress, in the moment. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for all the stuff I find myself doing/thinking about. Maybe it’s the overall volume that’s the problem, I’m incapable of keeping my demands on myself within the boundaries of my current life-energy limits. So it feels like I need to overcompensate and do way *under* my limits, and build back up. Because I don’t even remember what it’s like to be doing less than what I’m capable of.

[Frita]

Rooting for you, @AH! Decompression can take some time. I notice that many people, myself included, have an unrealistic view of the freedom of FI. It’s not a panacea, rather it creates the need to be more creative than ever. Despite being married to a dude who has it figured out, I still struggle to find my footing.

Enjoy the cheap ACA without subsidies. Of course, each state has different rates and ours is the most expensive in the nation. $2200/month for two 50-somethings and a teen, the crapiest plan. Just south of us, it would be just south of $500/month. Costs do increase with age and are geographically dependent. This is one of those things we’ve learned after the fact.

Two tiny house builds, cool. What is your long-term plan with those?

[RoamingFrancis]

Understandable. Wishing you the best in your journey

[classical_Liberal]

I think you're doing the right thing. Don't try to build a good schedule for yourself, let it evolve on its own accord. It's the difference between trying to develop land into a city for your use and leaving it alone, letting nature build what best suits it, then living around the outcome.

Although I haven't quite worked out my perfect life yet, so maybe I'm wrong.

[AxelHeyst]

...many people, myself included, have an unrealistic view of the freedom of FI. It’s not a panacea, rather it creates the need to be more creative than ever.

I like the way you put that, and for me that definitely goes on the "pros" column. Broadly speaking, I think people grow when they put (or get put) in situations they don't know their way out of, and have to "creatively maneuver"/struggle through it. The more creative they have to be, the more they'll grow. I certainly didn't pull the trigger on semiERE because I figured it'd be a cakewalk. I knew that I wouldn't know what it's like to be here, and that all my pre-thinking and planning might or might not be relevant once I got here... and it's still surprising me.

$2200/month for two 50-somethings and a teen, the crapiest plan.

Ouch! Thanks for telling me that, I appreciate my plan even more now. I didn't know it could be that bad. Meanwhile, in other news...

Two tiny house builds, cool. What is your long-term plan with those?

To clarify - we've put the plan back on the shelf for this year, but we've talked on and off about building some pretty much ever since we started dating. I've been meaning to put together a long post about where I'm at with my "shelter" module, and how it fits in to my web of goals. The short version is that I have no desire to either rent, own, or build a traditional US home - I've been ruined by spending too much time in alternative domiciles (e.g. earthships), and learning how to live pretty comfortably in as small a space as a 5.5'x12' converted cargo trailer. However, DW and I as a couple need a little more space than that: she needs an art studio, and we need at least enough space to get the hell away from each other for a bit. While we're not close to deciding on a single place to live long-term, the idea of having a home base in the midwest seems plausible. So, a pair of his and hers tinyhomes of a modest design (8'x20', not hugely tall) seems like they might fit the bill nicely. We could build them at DW's dads (who has spare land and a shop), potentially live in them there for a bit, or move them to friend's land nearby, or buy a small chunk of land for cheap and plonk them on there.

Still, it's a commitment of time, money, and location (we could move them, but moving them across the country would be stupidly expensive). And I'm just in the beginning of my recovery phase - I'm not 100% sure who I'm going to be or what I'm going to want in 6 or 12 months. And we don't want to rush to bang these together before winter. So the earliest we'd start construction would be spring 2021.

Here's a sketch-render I did a while ago for the basic idea.

[AxelHeyst]

I think you're doing the right thing...

Reminds me of what little I've read of the way to approach permaculture design: start with long observation of the landscape, climate, relationships of your site, etc. Try as much as you can to *just notice* without immediately assigning values to what you see, or trying to figure out how it fits in to your mental design. I think you're right.

DW and I remind ourselves often that -- yes, we seem to be dealing with logistics and "big decisions" every two weeks, wrestling with stuff a lot of our peers seem not to be... and that's because our peers are following lives that have a template, agreed upon best practices, and most people are all doing the same stuff so they can just copy (CCCCCC) each other. We're trying to (like everyone else on this forum) compile and ultimately perhaps create something.

Time for an odd AH analogy: our friends are just uploading a track to youtube and putting a picture of the album cover. We're trying to nail a mashup of ERE, rewilding + post-civ philosophy, Collapse Now and Avoid the Rush, dirtbag lifestyle, self-supported artist, digital nomad, and flaneur (per Taleb), and we're trying to stitch all that shit together in a way that flows like poetry. So far we've got "Cat in the hat", but that's the vision, dammit.

[AxelHeyst]

Last night I watched Annihilation.

Then my brother sent me this essay on it: https://filmcrithulk.blog/2018/02/27/annihilation-the-horrors-of-change/



It's relevant to, well, everything, but also it seems to me the ongoing discussion around here about the transition between Wheaton L5 and L6.

You can get to L5 and still be yourself. To cross the moat to L6/L7 (I feel, being someone still eyeing the chasm and gauging the distance), you've got to do some heavier work on yourself, not all of it constructive.

[AxelHeyst]

Also, I realized I've been pressuring myself to cross the moat to L6 ASAP because I wanted to be "that guy" who showed up on the forums and a few months later had totally internalized L7 and was on his way to L8 guru-hood. Sigh. My ego's been doing this overachiever shit to me my whole life, and it's probably the number one contributor to getting stuck, perversely, because it makes me tense up and scream (in an Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom shriek*) "GROW MOTHERFUCKER!!!" at myself over and over again. Which, turns out, isn't the most effective long-term strategy, because it makes you try to rush and skip steps.

This occurred to me as I was just now updating my financial spreadsheet, and it's just riddled with rookie shit. L5 is my proper focus at the moment, I need to focus on the path right in front of me, rather than dreaming about the cloud-veiled mountaintops far and away.

*come to think of it, pretty much all of my self-talk is rather Laiho-esque...

[Hristo Botev]

DW and I remind ourselves often that -- yes, we seem to be dealing with logistics and "big decisions" every two weeks, wrestling with stuff a lot of our peers seem not to be...

Ha! I hear you! I'm utterly exhausted from wrestling with big decisions lately; you'd think we'd have figured this shit out by now. Naturally, the conservative in me blames it all on modernity: at a certain level life was just a whole lot simpler pre-industrialization when the answer to "what am I going to do with my life" had been decided for you long before you were even born; before the moderns started questioning every, single, tiny, thing.

We're trying to (like everyone else on this forum) compile and ultimately perhaps create something.

Please let me know when you figure it out; I'll take the guidance.

[AnalyticalEngine]

Thanks for suggesting Annihilation and post that analysis on it. There's some insightful things in that essay. I'm going to check out the movie from the library now. As someone who suffers from clinical nostalgia ( ) it really gave me a lot of food for thought. Change and loss is a natural part of life, and it's required to improve oneself, but it really is the death of something too. Which is why it can be so hard.

[RoamingFrancis]

So far we've got "Cat in the hat", but that's the vision, dammit.

Don't shit on Cat in the Hat - some of the best poetry is very simple, and some of your best solutions will likely be no more complex than "Green Eggs and Ham"