3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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classical_Liberal
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by classical_Liberal »

I've said this before, but you pretty much rejected it out of hand. I think you're mentally fried and need a break, need time to refocus, and reprioritize. Since you weren't willing to do it before, COVID may have forced your hand. Since you are here, I agree with others, use it well and stop stressing so much(easier said than done). If need be, spend a little money and get out of your parents place (rent, don't buy just yet, until your mind is cleared).
ertyu wrote:
Mon Apr 13, 2020 12:10 pm
It's more a matter of being on the brink between enough and not enough when it comes to stash size.
There are people in this forum, me included, who think this is the perfect spot to be in!! Our logic is that too much money makes one soft. With too much, opportunities are passed up simply because you can pass on them. With too little, bad choices are made with money as a primary motivator.

With just the right amount you are still motivated to take the great opportunities serendipity provides (because you still need to earn something, sometimes), continue to evolve and grow as human, maintain some sense purpose and productivity. While simultaneously feeling like you have enough to avoid the pitfalls of doing things only for money, at times in your life you need a break, or to focus on non-income generating activities.

"Enough" is only partially a spreadsheet issue, it's also a psychological one.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

Been following your journal from the beginning and have grown to appreciate your perspective on quite a few topics......so here is some in return.

As someone who is also tied somewhat to Eastern Europe, I'm very very interested in leveraging the area for geographical arbitrage and as a result have studied the income, asset levels, and purchasing power in many of the countries. You're from Bulgaria right? And based on your posts have a liquid NW somewhere in the $225-250k USD range?

Some research on Numbeo, Trading Economics, Wikipedia etc revealed that the median adult NW is ~$19k USD (with 70% of that tied up in RE), and average net salary of ~$625 USD/month. These might not be exact numbers, and vary depending on where in the country you are, but as a general litmus test for your own financial status it means you could never work a day in your life and live an "average" lifestyle leveraging 3% of assets per annum. Maybe you don't want to stay in your country forever, or you desire a higher COL lifestyle, but those could be realized through very sporadic or creative income sources on top of your base assets. From a hard numbers perspective, you've certainly won the game. Being "into ERE", should mean that you can life-hack an above average lifestyle on average spending, and the skills will improve such that you can continuously improve your situation without resorting to more spending.

Emotionally and from an investment standpoint, others have provided some great feedback. I'm not a good example of how to invest due to my "chicken shit" nature as well =D

Have you looked at websites such as https://www.workaway.info/ or woof.net ? It could be a nice way to get out of your home area (once COVID stuff dies down) with minimal out of pocket costs, while learning some skills on self sufficiency, doing some networking, and seeing more possibilities for your future.

Cheers.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Thank you all for the feedback. I will take some time to mull over it and process, and will respond to people. In the mean time, I began reading the book jacob recommended. Here is a summary of quotes and notes which I've kept in draft form from my reading so far.
___________

Quotes from the book:
There's nothing worse than two people who have on the same position talking to each other about the position.
Makes you wonder if it's not about all the gold folks lol
One of the oldest rules of trading is: if a market is hit with very bullish news and instead of going up the market goes down, get out if you're long. An unexpected and opposite reaction means there is something seriously wrong with the position.
Here's another sign of having lost control. Here's someone who has: lost $30,000 and is saying, "Hmmm. That's not so bad." That's a little nuts. Right? I'd just lost $30,000 in the first . 5 minutes of Friday and I was feeling fine. "No problem. Too bad we can't buy more of these."
Some notes and thoughts, up until the chapter where he finishes describing how he lost the money:

What I found interesting from the story so far: there's a tension between, "can't just bail out as soon as the trade turns against you, it might turn back and you'll be leaving money on the table and beating yourself up" and the fact that it might not turn, and at some point bailing out is the only thing to do. But you won't want to, because you have shit at stake: your ego and self-image as a big-shot trader, or you wouldn't want to lock in losses (there's still a chance for the trade to go your way, and if you exit, you lose that chance, the author says).

You'll want to make excuses and stay in denial of what is happening in front of you.

The author also describes a hyperfocus on the price movements. His attention seems to have narrowed down on the price, and what happened with the price would govern his emotional state and rule his life. Good when things are going your way - ego inflation. But when they aren't, the author describes not being able to sleep or focus on anything else but the price movements, hiding from his family so he wouldn't have to face them (shame), taking it out on them. I had heard the phrase "whatever lets you sleep at night" before -- just never realized this isn't a metaphore, it's literal. He thinks of killing himself and making it look like a suicide so his family could collect the life insurance - he can be most useful to them dead. Psychological state is completely highjacked and self-worth is entirely measured by trade success.

In the end, he turned himself around thanks to the kindness of strangers - friends who gave him a chance after his failure. <-- resilience from relationships.

jacob
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by jacob »

Puking is not a metaphor either. Being invested exerts a real emotional toll and people deal with it in different way. I think this toll is rather underappreciated by those who always wanna go after the capitalists/investors for "not contributing anything to society". Solution methods are also interesting. For example, contrarian investing is often a lonely business. Conversely, indexers often behave like a cult and there's a reason for that too. That's why I'm insisting that dealing with one's emotions are at least half the game.

Since pensions are pretty much gone, annuities too expensive, and real interest rates are close to zero, the only way to win is to play.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

@daylen, if you're around: if there was ever any doubt of my INFP-ness, this video just shattered it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JduYijCSdU

laughed so hard, I could tell which dude was going to be my type before the caption even came on, it was just like that "i came here for a good time but i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now" meme

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

During the last month, I was thinking about what everyone wrote. The main theme that emerged from the responses as a whole was that most people think i should not be as anxious and terrified as i am. so i went and thought hard about my relationship with money as a concept. If you don't want to read until the end, this is what emerged: I am anxious because I haven't saved enough to be OK if I never found another job. I am also anxious because money is the chief source of security in my life. This is partly circumstancial, as being a perpetual gastarbeiter means i never really integrate into a community and develop lasting bonds, but there is also some therapy-grade family of origin stuff underneath that - parents using every occasion and opportunity to rub in how i fall short and tell me how i should be instead of helping, friends who don't have the bandwidth or patience for my type of navel-gazing drama, etcetera.

I experience my problems as mostly psychological - even if the problem is something concrete, such as, in the most recent example, do i buy this property or not, what cracks the solution for me is that one remark which reveals what psychological BS i'm trying to pull on myself. Diet and exercise aren't technical issues for me, they're emotional ones - if the psychological issues aren't sorted out, I can write all the plans with all the steps I want, but nothing will get executed. The tl;dr: here is, I guess, that when people don't engage with my psychological process I experience them as dismissive, uncaring, and not actually helping. And if they help in a way that is first and foremost damaging psychologically, well. (Not the type that gets motivated by "proving myself" after being beaten down, me.) And the tl;tl;dr: is that because attempts to seek help from family and friends has been associated with the hurt of being dismissed, invalidated, and so forth, I have latched onto the one constant that is reliable when it comes to problem-solving: money. So if the money is not enough, or if something happens to the money, or if money stops coming in, etcetera, I start feeling like the carpet has been completely pulled from under my feet.

Other things related to money I considered: I also latch onto it as comfort when I am being criticized, e.g. by parents. My subpar appearance has been their topic of choice over this past week, but when I look at my stash I have concrete, numerical proof that even though all messages about me that are currently coming my way are negative, I actually have had some achievements and accomplishments in life. The money is proof that even if no one sees any positive qualities in me, I am actually not a complete loser.

This extends to something I will probably have to tackle, and soon - I noticed I have ego and self-respect riding on the fact that, for example, I am using Apple products. Spending, especially spending on gadgets so one can prove to oneself and to anyone who might be watching that one is not a loser is a classic anti-frugal trap (current batch of electronics was purchased before I became serious about saving, but the temptation is there to this day. I was at the second hand clothing store for summer trousers the other day and I noticed how even though I am essentially cheap, I was looking out for whether my summer shorts could pass as "brand.")

This is, I guess, a prime example of how implementing ERE is first and foremost a psychological issue for me: spending and acquiring as fulfilling a certain set of psychological functions on the one hand, saving and acquiring skills (ways to preserve money) as fulfilling another set of psychological functions. "How do I implement ERE in my life" for me is the same problem as, "how can I be a self-respecting human who is fundamentally valuable and who is a certain measure of safe in the world."

____

The actual, concrete, non-navel gazey part here is that the money is simply not enough for anything other than living permanently in a second or third tier eastern european city, and after all my travels and work abroad, this would make me feel trapped. At 3.25% withdrawal rate (as per ERN safe withdrawal rate series), a semi-ok studio or 1bdrm apt would cost 33% of income to rent, another 10-15% to heat/cool depending on season, another 30% would probably go towards food and sustenance, and 20%-ish would be bullshit spending/discretionary (clothes, cell phone and internet, etc.). No car needed as town is small and walkable, and any public transportation use would be incidental. I could probably make it work, and if I end up stuck here, I will have to make it work. No insurance/health care expenses planned here, no replacement of laptop etc. I guess the bottom line is that I want to feel like I have the option to move or go live abroad if I want to and at this level, there will be no money for anything beyond direct living expenses. I would want 20-30k-ish euro so I can afford to move, rent an apartment somewhere abroad, and have money while I look for a job. I would not be averse to living in a small town in my home country for some time, but it would seriously mess with my head if I felt like I could never leave.
Last edited by ertyu on Sun May 17, 2020 2:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

mooretrees
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by mooretrees »

ertyu wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 2:50 pm
Other things related to money I considered: I also latch onto it as comfort when I am being criticized, e.g. by parents. My subpar appearance has been their topic of choice over this past week, but when I look at my stash I have concrete, numerical proof that even though all messages about me that are currently coming my way are negative, I actually have had some achievements and accomplishments in life. The money is proof that even if no one sees any positive qualities in me, I am actually not a complete loser.

This extends to something I will probably have to tackle, and soon - I noticed I have ego and self-respect riding on the fact that, for example, I am using Apple products. Spending, especially spending on gadgets so one can prove to oneself and to anyone who might be watching that one is not a loser is a classic anti-frugal trap (current batch of electronics was purchased before I became serious about saving, but the temptation is there to this day. I was at the second hand clothing store for summer trousers the other day and I noticed how even though I am essentially cheap, I was looking out for whether my summer shorts could pass as "brand.")
I second @bigato's remark above. The tone of this last post is different from other writings I've read of yours. It lacked the edge of anger/depression, I think. I thought of the book, Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton, while I was reading the above. I found my book and dug out the section this reminded me of: "In a meritocratic world in which prestigious and well-paid jobs could be secured only through naive intelligence ability, money began to look like a sound signifier of character. The rich were not only wealthier, it seemed; they might also be plain better." This isn't meant to read as a knock, but it makes sense in your situation to look to see where you have succeeded in this hostile environment you are living. I do think this book can offer some measure of understanding about focus on brands you mentioned. I've found it useful to address my consumerism and image consciousness I had developed over the years. I hope you can continue to dive deep and continue this self-introspective process. I think it'll yield dividends (pun intended, couldn't help myself :lol: ).

Jason

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

ertyu wrote:
Sat May 16, 2020 2:50 pm
"how can I be a self-respecting human who is fundamentally valuable and who is a certain measure of safe in the world."
Personally, I think asking the question is sufficient evidence of its truth.

You could look like Brad Pitt, have Jeff Bezos bank account and have a magical index finger that diddles old ladies into Corona recovery and your parents will ask you why you can never win a Nobel prize. You are playing the game on their terms. You are treating yourself like they treat you, tying conditions to your self-worth. Having money will not help you with your feelings of being a loser but it will help you get away from those who treat you like one. That is, unless one of those people treating you like a loser happens to be you.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Jason wrote:
Sun May 17, 2020 5:03 am
a magical index finger that diddles old ladies into Corona recovery
or i can have your gift for turn of phrase :lol: insightful comment, thank you. it would take a while to internalize, but something well worth working on. If you can't figure out what it would mean to be a person who has value regardless of how others treat you, there are plenty of offers who would offer to sell you self-confidence substitutes of the iPhone variety in exchange for a chunk of your life. Then you'd be playing the game on *their* terms.

@bigato and @mooretrees, you guys cracked me up :lol: . Like, "wow mate, you almost ... sounded sane there?" lol. Bigato, yes, it is the time away from full time employment that's allowing me to start coming to my senses. It always happens when I get time off, just this time around that's been coupled with other types of stress + staying at my parents' house, so it's happened slower than usual.

It’s one of the reasons why I’ve always disagreed with the “don’t retire away from something” types. Retiring away from something that prevents you from getting in touch with what there is to retire *to* is a legitimate goal. You don’t need to have gung-ho uber productive activities and goals lined up. Taking a breather is perfectly legitimate. Many people say you’ll only be left with the depression and with yourself, but that is not my experience. I don’t find being left with myself that bad at all. The depression usually recedes, too.

@mooretrees, thank you for the book suggestion. He made a documentary some years ago which is still rattling around youtube, but I have also downloaded the book and will begin it, little by little. When I first watched the documentary I was still in the states, so I took it for a commentary on British and American culture first and wasn't so focused on how it might be relevant to my own self-perception. Sounds timely and worth a revisit.

Update: started book, so far sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered. Good call with this rec
Last edited by ertyu on Sun May 17, 2020 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jason

Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Jason »

(@) Ertyu

Just think of the problems you would have if you possessed such a magical index finger. An army of Nana's (including 7W5) claiming their eternal love for you, but you forced to wonder is it you they love or just your life saving digit. Same coin, flip side.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

As I slowly make my way through the book @mooretrees suggested (should be part of the standard salaryman reeducation curriculum :lol:), I'll respond to another theme that emerged from most people's responses last time: that I am intelligent and competent, and I can find another good job again as CV improves etc.

Yesterday, I received the news that I would have been fired in this year's performance cull anyway. I received communication from my former employer that they are not interested in further employment relations with me and they invite me to resign if I don't want to show up as "fired" on various paperwork (I assume they need this to formally terminate my contract. Me resigning is easier for them administratively, too, as they don't need to muster the evidence of incompetence required to legally dismiss me). I realize how I must have seemed to them: nervy, dysfunctional, barely maintaining decent grooming and appearance, only able to muster the energy to scrape the minimum of my work together, and only just so. I understand their decision. I certainly do not feel like an intelligent and competent guy. I haven't really held a stable job, either quitting or fired (fired from last 2 jobs now). My CV might as well come with "job hopper" stamped on it, and my references are shit. I tried to pull through as long as possible, but I really am afraid that this is it. Given my history, if I do find another job, it would probably be more demanding and for less money, and I was already having a hard time keeping things together at my last one.

This is another reason why I am so anxious about the amount of money I have saved not being enough. If I could really and credibly tell myself that I can afford to take a couple of years off then keep working, I probably would have felt calmer. If I were the kind of person who is able to keep up with the demands of a job without becoming an exhausted, nervous wreck, I probably would have been less anxious, too. Right now, I feel stuck between being terrified of not having a job and an income, and being terrified of finding another job because of how bad I feel when I am working -- and given how I would certainly need another job at some point, I must work to resolve that.

One piece of advice I received at the very beginning was, "let yourself fail." I forgot who gave it to me as it was a while ago, but it stuck with me as it seems that is what I will need to do. I have been clinging to "works abroad, is comparatively well-paid, uh, isn't actually properly professionally successful like peers but at least we can see him as having an 'interesting' life." That is to say, I have ego and shame mixed into this. I have to quit clinging by my fingertips to all those "ego fronts" and accept the reality of my situation. Various permutations of "it isn't that bad" only make me more anxious because it *is* that bad and I need to address the fact that it is that bad and not try to whitewash things. Trying to find various forms of silver lining feels like I am lying to myself and I'm missing the point, and also like none of the actual problems are being worked on, thus the anxiety persists.

I just wish I could hold a job and be baseline OK. For it to not feel this draining and all-consumingly soul-sucking.

I also need to find a way to respect myself *even though* these bad things about me are true.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Here is an actual silver lining: I am not an alcoholic or a hard drug addict. But for the grace of god, I could have been trying to come back from that, and I'm not sure I'd have been able to.

Der Leiermann
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Der Leiermann »

ertyu wrote:
Wed May 20, 2020 12:05 am
Yesterday, I received the news that I would have been fired in this year's performance cull anyway. I received communication from my former employer that they are not interested in further employment relations with me and they invite me to resign if I don't want to show up as "fired" on various paperwork (I assume they need this to formally terminate my contract. Me resigning is easier for them administratively, too, as they don't need to muster the evidence of incompetence required to legally dismiss me). I realize how I must have seemed to them: nervy, dysfunctional, barely maintaining decent grooming and appearance, only able to muster the energy to scrape the minimum of my work together, and only just so. I understand their decision. I certainly do not feel like an intelligent and competent guy. I haven't really held a stable job, either quitting or fired (fired from last 2 jobs now). My CV might as well come with "job hopper" stamped on it, and my references are shit. I tried to pull through as long as possible, but I really am afraid that this is it. Given my history, if I do find another job, it would probably be more demanding and for less money, and I was already having a hard time keeping things together at my last one.
Sounds like it's for the better for your mental state though, you don't give the impression as if you're in a good place regarding your feelings towards your work. Maybe you should try some labouring jobs where the only requirement is to show up and do your time. That should give you the financial security of having a job and you may end up not resenting the job if the politics and fear of failure don't permeate your day.

Also, depending on the legal situation in your country of employment, be careful of resigning out of pride, as you may lose out on entitlements you'd have had if your employer had fired you or made you redundant.

All the best.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

@DL: If there is a job like that, I will take it. However, it's a common misconception that "laboring" jobs are necessarily easy-breezy and politics-free, and you just show up and are not unduly taxed. Right now, corona complicates things, too. But I will keep thinking about it.

Poached from another post:
slowtraveler wrote:
Tue May 19, 2020 10:58 pm

Start from 0 and add in only what adds value to your life.
Seeing as circumstances have literally zeroed me (all belongings left behind, no job, etc.) I might have an interesting opportunity to do exactly that. Too bad my budget is closer to $500 than to $1.5k, scratching my balls around SEA would be nice. Might be good to aspire to.

Der Leiermann
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by Der Leiermann »

Agree on labouring jobs not always being politics-free. My brother has had some good experiences with labour-hire agencies though, that may be a good place to start with a reasonably low barrier to entry.

2Birds1Stone
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

Just a thought, but have you thought about supplementing your passive 3.25% portfolio income with something online/PT like teaching English to Chinese kids? Even $10-20/hr in many countries will go VERY far. @10 hours a week, that's $100-200/week, or $5,200-10,400/year.....instantly doubling your budget. I would LOVE to do this, but don't have the required bachelors degree. Even on the low end, $5,200/yr in income is the same as having an additional $160,000 invested earning 3.25% but provides you with MUCH more resilience in terms of diversification than more paper assets.

slowtraveler
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by slowtraveler »

2Birds1Stone has a good idea. $10/hr 100 hours a month is $1000. 500+1000=1500 total.

Live between Vietnam and Thailand for a while. 2-3 month visas or quite easy to get so you book a monthly stay somewhere for <200 total per month, get a one way plane and visa for <100/month average (use bestonwardticket for an onward ticket so you have flexibility on when to leave, you can eat out for <150/month (eating tasty Thai dishes and fruits, no juices, imported/Western foods, drinks, few deserts), rent a motorbike for <100/month including gas unless you travel far so you have somethijg fun to do (explore nature and nearby cities), 75/month for healthcare, and 75/month for dating so life is better.

This is 700/month in total expenses but life will be comfortable and you'll be saving over half your income. As you get more experienced at teaching and earn more per hour, you can increase expenses, savings, or decrease hours worked.

I recommend South Thailand and Central Vietnam-ie Krabbi and Da Nang.

Try to get a credit card bonus of 500usd from Chase Sapphire Preferred, Capitsl One Venture, Bank of America Premier, etc and use it to pay taxes to be eligible for the bonus so you don't have to pay for the expensive cross ocean flight.

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Unsure how this will work for me as someone who's not an American citizen, but I'll consider it. I've heard some of these teaching English places require one to be a native speaker--but then again, it might be ok if you're "white enough," you never know. The Krabbi/DaNang plan sounds good. For DaNang, need additional $200 per month for Trung Nguyen :lol:. Replace one meal with caphe sua da :lol: fond memories

slowtraveler
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by slowtraveler »

Weasel coffee is cheap at Big C, 3-5usd for a bag the size of a decent pineapple.

A warning though. Coffee f***ed me up in Vietnam. It is potent and delicious. I couldn't handle it. I'd be laying in bed with a headache near paralyzed from drinking 2 or 3 cups at home.

As you can see from the links below, South American passports like Brazil are actually best for Thailand as you get 90 days visa free* but you will need proof of yellow fever vaccines, I believe. Otherwise, you ideally get a multi entry visa from your home country, or a 30 day visa from most anywhere then do a 30 day extension for 1900baht (~60usd) within a week of the visa expiring if you don't have a visa exempt or e visa possibility with your passport.

Vietnam allows e-visas for most countries, don't do 30 day, do 90 day as it's the same price. There's a few companies doing them. You apply, they send an email, you print the email and wait for an hour or so upon arrival in Vietnam to get your official visa.

Flight between the countries were 60usd one way on my last trip.

Also, always check flights a few days before your next journey if travelling within the country, they are often the same price or nearly the same as bus tickets. Bus tickets from Chiang Mai to Rayong? 800 baht. Plane tickets? 800 baht if bought 2 days before, 1500 day of. 12+ hours in a bus gets painful.

* https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visa_policy_of_Thailand

** https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Visa_policy_of_Vietnam

ertyu
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Re: 3 yrs to FI: ertyu's journal

Post by ertyu »

Well, as of yesterday I have officially been fired. I chose to get fired instead of resigning because it came with slightly better severance - can pay for 6 months living expenses in country of origin and in the end I decided that's nothing to scoff at. I have now been fired from my last two jobs. Regardless of my goals (to stop working) and attitude towards work (dislike), it feels bad. There is definitely a connection for me there, between not being a competent professional and not being a worthwhile human being. Also, between not being a competent professional and being inferior to those who are. I need to get over this, first because I would never judge someone else like that. If someone else told me they work something "lower" than an office job, I would not think less of them. I put "lower" in inverted commas precisely because I wouldn't think of it as lower. But I think of myself as lower if I tried my hand at professional work and it didn't agree with me. I definitely think if I didn't succeed, it's because I didn't punish and hate myself into it hard enough, and I deserve more "punishment" until I fall in line. Yet I would never treat another person like that, not even in my head.

My horrible experience working these past couple of years is making me quite reluctant to look for another job. At the same time, intuitively, it doesn't feel like I'm at the place where I can stop. Here I don't mean, "oh, he has enough money he should just get over himself" which I am aware many of you perceive me as. More like, it's an intuition - a knowledge about my life. I also don't have the sense that renting and furnishing an apartment is the right path - again, there's an intuition telling me I'd be missing the way if I were to go there. At the same time, it's hard for me to keep staying at my parents' place. It's a miserable house - for 45 years now, they've been making their lives miserable exactly how they're making my life miserable: "hey, could you please not do that small thing, thank you" // "you're too neurotic you need to relax why can't you be more like sibling X who wouldn't have asked for this." (the thing in question is irrelevant, but to whom it may concern, it's to stop monitoring my every action when I move around the flat and commenting on it. I would like to be able to simply exist in the same space as my parents without them making comments about how I've dressed, whether the amount of coffee I drink isn't too much, what I smell like (pointing out if I've put on handcream - dry hands from covid hand washing - that's made me smell like something), etcetera. It combines to form an ever-pervasive sense of being under constant scrutiny. I am not so sure what is so unacceptable about, "hey, remember how I asked you to stop making comments about my appearance and you agreed? can we go back to that please" but apparently the right answer isn't, "yeah, sorry, I slipped up," it's "you're a neurotic who should be more like my other child"). [tl;dr: ertyu needs therapy :lol:. I assume most everyone would develop thick skin and learn to disregard them and tune them out, and not let things like that get to him. But it does get to me. It makes me hurt and angry.]

I don't know what my next steps are. My ideal outcome would be to stay at my parents for the next ?? time and change how we relate to each other. I have already tried putting physical distance - just moving out, working at the other end of the world, even not talking to them for long stretches of time as I know that any communication we have is unlikely to be pleasant. However, that hasn't fixed things. By which I mean, hasn't fixed things in me, to make me a person who does not get hooked into their shit. Also, I am not sure what it is about ERE and financial independence that is wrapped up with my family of origin interpersonal issues. However it does keep coming up - the two things are somehow related in my head in that it feels like finding my path with respect to one of these issues is bound up with finding my path with respect to the other. Not necessarily asking for advice, just writing things out in the hope that this will clarify things for me. Though perspectives and theories that might help illuminate this are welcome.

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