Frita’s journal

Where are you and where are you going?
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jennypenny
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Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:20 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by jennypenny »

@Frita -- I just wanted to say that I read your brief mention of what happened to you and I'm so so sorry.
Frita wrote:
Sat Sep 28, 2019 11:15 am
This month has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Perhaps my expectation of decompressing is unrealistic. It seems like I am actually feeling worse, though quitting my job was the right thing and I think is was harder on me than I realized.
Is it possible that you've used work to deal with what happened (totally understandable) and that's why you're having a little trouble decompressing? Is work a coping mechanism for you?

Frita
Posts: 942
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@Scott 2
Yes, I am lucky the fam is cool with my hijinx. I typically enjoy volunteer work trips (or treks) more than just seeing the sites.

@jennypenny
Good questions, I don’t know the answers. I notice that leaving has again sent me into a deep well of existencial nihilism. My interest in education is more in facilitating thinking and social justice. It could take up plenty of time so perhaps it is to cope with being out-of-balance elsewhere. Thanks for the homework.

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

Volunteering at this bilingual school in Honduras is a bust. The school is utter chaos. We are understaffed by 50% and expected to do two people’s jobs (in my case, 2.5 people). It is a slaveship.

So I now only have two weeks left. Solo travel for women in Honduras is not recommended. Last week I was followed home, turning many corners to ditch the guy, and then running to the compound. The month before I arrived, there was another home invasion while people were sleeping. All were moved to the new location and we have an armed guard with two attack dogs from 9 pm to 6 am.

The volunteer coordinator blatantly lies to get people here. I called her out on it, telling her that it is only ethical to disclose this stuff, and she just laughed it off. She, her boyfriend, and another volunteer spend their freetime getting stoned. Their dealer (gang member) comes into our compound. After I was followed home, he told me to be careful (not to get kidnapped). The house is a filthy mess. After deep cleaning and maintaining for 10 days, I just gave up and hide out in my bedroom (The knob/lock have been removed, so I block with a shelf.).

It’s a hot, dusty, trash-filled town. The electricity and water go out routinely. There is a lot of poverty. The food is carb with fried carb so my body fat is creeping up. None of that bugs me. I am actually rather happy to be teaching despite all this and how poorly behave the students are.

If nothing else, I appreciate my home situation more. My spouse, son, and I have some good laughs over Messenger regarding the hi-jinx around her. I could hire a private taxi to the airport and buy a last-minute plane ticket for about $1,300, I know. The cheap me doesn’t want to spend the money. I have been straightforward about my dissatisfaction with the situation but am nervous to have a confrontation like when others have done the same thing (long-term volunteers leaving after the home invasion and others after a week).

We have a starfruit tree as well as a couple lime trees. I am enjoying those. There are some lovely, colorful flowers.

I totally did this to myself. I am rereading Harry Browne’s How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, studying it like it’s the Bible.

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

From my FI and Putting Up with This BS Job thread:
Frita wrote:
Thu Oct 31, 2019 8:12 pm
I have been learning stuff to include bucket showers (no running water), power outages for days at a time, hearing gunshots at night and knowing that not going out is smart, enjoying tons of fresh produce (Think passion fruit, cacao, pineapple, papaya, coconut, cassava, etc.). I have been averaging around 25K steps per day. The school was a total sham. They seem to be attracting a druggie element for volunteer teachers and did not have a curriculum for the courses in English. They said they wanted to change but really didn’t want to pay the price.

I ended up leaving early. Fast forward to four nights at a jungle lodge on Lake Yojoa. Tonight is night number one. So I am having a fantastic handcrafted chocolate porter, okay two, while listening to the frogs and other jungle noises to include the rain. It’s not very ERE, I know.

Lesson sinking in, working within systems is for me anymore. I am looking forward to going home to see my guys though.
For some reason, I end up crossposting. It seems that learning to not work at an education job is my main life task.

After a fabulous day hiking through coffee, chocolate, and banana plantations; I trieda beer sample (a couple ounces) of a Honduran blueberry (called a cranberry in Spanish). It turns out that I am as allergic to acai as I am seafood and lime.

Anaphylactic reaction in the jungle and the only hospital in the area was a no-go as it had no meds anyway. I had my own and ended up lying around for the next couple days and nights before bussing/flying out. There were a couple times I seriously thought I might die.

Even a week later and at home I am swollen, bruised, and still have a blistering body rash. The worst thing is just feeling anxious in waves. There is another aspect that makes me feel more introspective and calm, which I enjoy. (No, I haven’t been to the doctor here as I don’t care to be chewed out.)

It is interesting returning to my family life. We’ve all survived without each other, so being together is a choice. My son has grown a a couple inches and now as tall as I am, taller if you count his hair! Hopefully my next trip will be a joint one.

I have decided to cut back on clubs/organizations/boards that I do, limiting to those I only really enjoy. As much as I hate to admit it, I am unemployable here and this “networking” is a waste of time. So for the time being, I will cocoon and not fill my time being super busy on things I don’t really care to do with people I don’t care about. I am culling my personal relationships in a similar manner.

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

So, today marks one week that I am back home. It seems that recovering from my allergic reaction and secondary issues of medication side effects and infection have been my focus. I feel a tremendous sense of groundlessness and am just going with that. An ENTP under stress...

One thing I know is that the truth is important to me. I hate lying. Ironically, this trait seems to bring about dishonesty in some associations. Note to self: When people can benefit from lying to me to achieve an end, they often do. And sometimes I realize it immediately and other times it takes awhile to uncover. Either way, I find it unacceptable. Oddly, if someone can just admit the deception and we can jointly find a mutually acceptable workaround, all is easily forgiven. This is my nature.

At some point I will die. Just like not knowing that I am as allergic to acai as shellfish, I have no idea when it will come. Having the money to pay for the hospital doesn’t matter if it has no meds or it takes too long to get there. Traveling with a small pharmaceutical cache doesn’t guarantee anything. Self-administer and hope for the best before getting to the point of no longer caring because my idea generation or idealistic optimism or gregariousness have no influence. Hammock-time (or other lounging) and not wearing a bra and not thinking seem like tremendous acts of self-care as emotionally I am numb. I itch and still have pain from the angioedema as it feels like my skin and digestive tract is on fire, fed by a continuous stream of gasoline.

P_K
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 04, 2016 9:47 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by P_K »

I'm sorry to hear that your Honduras volunteer trip went so poorly. It's more than a little shitty that they lie about the conditions to get volunteers to go. Putting you and others at risk like that is unacceptable, and without warning is unconscionable. Leaving early was the right call. Hopefully the experience hasn't ruined your views on this type of thing, as I know there are some decent organizations and causes out there; though, how one vets the liars from the genuine ones I do not know.

And to top off the trip you end up with a severe allergic reaction and nearly die. Oh man do you know how to go on an adventure or what :D. Sorry to make light of what is undoubtedly an awful experience. Allergies are scary stuff, especially since they can develop at seemingly any point in our lives. I have an uncle who kept ending up in the hospital for reasons unknown and it turned out he had developed an allergy to salmon in his 70s. You just can't know about these things sometimes. It is very good that you were prepared with your own meds and I'm glad you are back home and on the mend. My experience with individuals who do these kinds of overseas volunteer trips (my spouse included) is that they are some of the toughest people I know. I see you are no exception. Wishing you a speedy (or already completed) recovery.

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@P_K
Thank you for your validation and encouragement.

If you or anyone else knows of a way to vet the validity of stated claims, please share your methods. (I find that asking the right questions only works with honest people. Plus culturally we see fake positivity as the new default.)

The allergic reaction underscored the privilege that I have. The fact that I can travel with the necessary drugs to self-treat and am concerned because of not being able to go to the hospital is embarrassing. Most people in Honduras don’t have access to healthcare that I take for granted.

Where I was voluteaching, it was dangerous because of the gangs and hopelessness and desperation to survive. Corruption, violence, and poverty cycles have been spiraling downwards. I am privileged in that I can be lured in, discover the reality, and just leave.

I am altruistic. The culture was interesting, and I do have an affection and appreciation for the Honduran people. If I were single and childless, I would return as soon as I could find and successfully vet a different NGO. (The druggie co-volunteers and lying were the dealbreakers. I can live with danger and find it rather exciting.)

It seems that I am working through being disillusioned with my education career and society in general. Intellectually, I know that it changes nothing. The existential crisis seems to be a phase for me to balance out actively researching the best zucchini bread recipe and learning basic plumbing DIY.

P_K
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 04, 2016 9:47 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by P_K »

Frita wrote:
Fri Nov 15, 2019 7:27 pm
If you or anyone else knows of a way to vet the validity of stated claims, please share your methods. (I find that asking the right questions only works with honest people. Plus culturally we see fake positivity as the new default.)
I asked DS about this and they said to try contacting the U.S. embassy in the country you are considering volunteering in and ask them about the organization/school in question. They might not know right off but may be able to find out for you. Additionally, DS recommended asking the school (/embassy) for recent volunteers' phone numbers and calling a few to find out what their experience was like. The latter wouldn't help if you're given false numbers/things have changed between their service and yours, but it might help get a truthful account. Not sure if you already knew of/tried these things but I wanted to pass it along just in case!
Frita wrote:
Fri Nov 15, 2019 7:27 pm
The existential crisis seems to be a phase for me to balance out actively researching the best zucchini bread recipe and learning basic plumbing DIY.
It is good to have a healthy balance between existential despair and fine baked goods :D. Keep on keepin' on, Frita.

Frita
Posts: 942
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@P_K
Thank you for the tip to contact the embassy. I never thought of that. Also, I can contact the embassy to let them know of the issues. (I will report back.)

The references I was given were drinking the proverbial Koolaid. When I followed up later, I was told that honesty would deter people from going to the school. They didn’t seem to understand that sooner or later people find out. (Maybe the lure to stay is that I could buy cheap drugs and be stoned all day?) The school didn’t connect me with people who left early just as they mostly likely won’t be sharing my name and contact info with potential future volunteers.

My son and I are making pumpkin bread tonight. Following Thanksgiving, the ingredient focus has shifted.

Frita
Posts: 942
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@P_K
Embassy update: I heard back. The response was bland and noncommittal about the area with no willingness to directly discuss the school. I was told to always check their website and make sure to enroll in the Smart Traveler Program if traveling to Honduras.

Hm... I guess if we were to bring Harry Browne back from the dead, he’d ask, “What did you expect from the government?” I so wanted the US to have my back and just been too ignorant to know to ask. It’s another data point.

My existential crisis continues. I am wondering what I am doing, have no interest in participating with BS of any sort, and don’t really care as none of it seems to matter anyway. I really find this to be a waste of my time but lack the motivation/desire/inspiration to do something different. (Actually not continuing to do things that no longer work seems to be an action. Lack of replacement behavior is the disconcerting part.)

P_K
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed May 04, 2016 9:47 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by P_K »

Thanks for the update, Frita. Sorry it turned out to be a bust. I wonder if that's the case for the US embassies in all countries? Another data point either way. My spouse volunteered through the Peace Corps and in that particular case the US government definitely had their back, though that makes sense considering it is run by the US government. It'd be nice if the USG supported more individuals/programs beyond just the Peace Corps (considering the commitment makes it prohibitive for many people) but I suppose that may not be the case.

Frita wrote:
Tue Dec 10, 2019 9:09 pm
My existential crisis continues.
Hmm maybe you should have gone with banana bread? ;) In seriousness I wish I had anything helpful to say. High intensity workouts always make me feel good. Sometimes music is helpful for lifting me out of a funk, or creating something, however small. Though, none of these are a substitute for a Goal/Purpose/whatever. Only you can decide what activities are meaningful for you. This certainly isn't made any easier by a couple of swing-and-misses with previous employers; but, all we can do is keep trying.

Frita
Posts: 942
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@P_K
No worries, I don’t know that I would generalize to other embassies. Perhaps they have bigger issues to address. The US pulled its Peace Corp volunteers out of Honduras in 2012. My understanding is that at one time it had the highest concentration of PC volunteers in the world so the loss is surely missed.

The PC does have short-term skilled positions for experienced people. I just can’t leave my family for a half a year at a time. Perhaps when my son graduates and if my spouse can come along...

Well, I often feel like I am picking my way through a bomb-infested no man’s land. The other side seems like a worthy destination yet staying put would be easier and safer. But I am considering that reframing the metaphor to be like some sort of hibernation or cocooning would be healthier. Since I stopped doing meaningless things, I have gone overboard and put most things on the chopping block.

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Take 5

Post by classical_Liberal »

Frita wrote:
Tue Dec 10, 2019 9:09 pm
(Actually not continuing to do things that no longer work seems to be an action. Lack of replacement behavior is the disconcerting part.)
I get this feeling. What I find so interesting, when looking at it from a nonemotional perspective, is that humans in the rich parts of the world have a structure where we can exist for next to nothing. Yet almost no one chooses to put in just enough "work" to exist. We are constantly chasing after something more. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe, we are designed to simply exist, then let that existence show us how we should spend our time. IOW, leave our time open and say "yes" to new things, unless we know for sure it's unappealing. It's weird because often times the only things we do say "yes" to, are the things we already know suck for us. Comfort in the known, even if the known is bad.

Frita
Posts: 942
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

classical_Liberal wrote:
Wed Dec 11, 2019 5:20 pm
I get this feeling. What I find so interesting, when looking at it from a nonemotional perspective, is that humans in the rich parts of the world have a structure where we can exist for next to nothing. Yet almost no one chooses to put in just enough "work" to exist. We are constantly chasing after something more. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe, we are designed to simply exist, then let that existence show us how we should spend our time. IOW, leave our time open and say "yes" to new things, unless we know for sure it's unappealing. It's weird because often times the only things we do say "yes" to, are the things we already know suck for us. Comfort in the known, even if the known is bad.
Bingo! I can exist forever but wanted to contribute something. (Maybe the educational system is too far gone; I give up.) I kept working for social change, not stuff or appreciation. The end result was the same.

Becoming less extroverted seems to be a missing piece of the puzzle for me. I can’t hang out with people motivated by fear, rewards, or approval right now as they just piss me off instead of providing amusement. My emotional energy is being used to avoid being sucked back in and tolerate the monotony (not boredom) of so much leisure time without a flight plan.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Take 5

Post by ertyu »

classical_Liberal wrote:
Wed Dec 11, 2019 5:20 pm
...almost no one chooses to put in just enough "work" to exist. We are constantly chasing after something more. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe, we are designed to simply exist, then let that existence show us how we should spend our time.
Butting in out of nowhere but was reading this journal and found this to be insightful. Have recently thought the same, and currently aim to reach precisely this place. Thanks CL

classical_Liberal
Posts: 2283
Joined: Sun Mar 20, 2016 6:05 am

Re: Take 5

Post by classical_Liberal »

@ertyu
Thanks! It sounds pretty new-agey to come from me :lol: . I think more practically, what I mean is that I (we) need to separate ourselves, with both time and space, from our constant hustle and bustle, ambitions and goals. It's only after some separation, some time just existing, the we can see with clear eyes and mind.

@Frita
Some people NEED to be around other people to be happy. I tend to be extroverted, but I can do OK by myself, or just a few close contacts. My GF NEEDS people. The more the better.

It reads to me that you have somewhat of a personal, internal struggle. This internal struggle is making it difficult to deal with other people (which normally energizes you), because you see so much of what you dislike in the world in others. In that case, it's a matter of internally adjusting how you view others. Looking at the situation from the perspective of how can you be of service to them vs judgemental.

I guess I'm not sure if people are actually expressing their disapproval to you over your chosen life. If they are, that's a different problem. One that many people here seem to have. Stangely, although I take crap from time-to-time, it's rarely been a problem for me. Maybe I just don't notice?

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Take 5

Post by ertyu »

A thought I had: there are often websites where expats and international volunteers review their experiences with particular organizations. Idk what website will have the education ones, but poking around the internet, possibly with the help of as-tall-as-you-son, might yield some.

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

@classical_Liberal
It seems that extroversion-introversion is a more flexible trait continuum for me (Or perhaps it is merely my style under stress.). After my daughter died, I have never regained my tolerance of trivial conversation. What I find meaningful and important are different now. Some people may not get where I’m coming from, nor care to or are able to do so, and I am left meeting them where they are. It feels like group codependency (Robert Subby’s definition of learned patterns of behavior not linked to alcoholism*) to me. That is exhausting.

Hm, I notice that there is a tendency for people to want one to be like them in the “comply or be crushed” way in which many systems operate. I find neither option desirable. Working within such systems is challenging, often fruitless past being a wage slave. Being angry by whatever perceived injustice can serve as motivation to keep going. But is that actually worth it? Does it actually change anything? What is the price of pretending to go along? So I chose to remove myself resulting from a position of what I perceive discernment, rather than judgment.

@ertyu
Getting to a balance space of equanimity without all the striving for more is worthwhile. Lately I have been thinking of the American idea of enough versus the Swedish concept of just the right amount (lagom). The former has a concept of less or going without, while the latter implies abundance and peace. Part of consumerism/materialism is creating need.

References are tricky in many ways. I think that in my desperation I believed what I wanted to hear. Perhaps had I been more skeptical and probed more, I could have gotten more intel to make a better decision.
———————————————
Meanwhile, my existentially-driven transformation continues. I am still hibernating or cocooning but don’t feel so much in crisis. I feel grateful that I have the luxury to just exist and wait for something to strike me. My biggest source of meaning is cooking for my family.
————————————————-
*Robert Stubby’s theory pattern behaviors:
* Don’t feel or talk about feelings.
* Don’t think.
* Don’t identify, talk about, or solve problems.
* Don’t be who you are—be good, right, strong, and perfect.
* Don’t be selfish—take care of others and neglect yourself
* Don’t have fun, don’t be silly or enjoy life.
* Don’t trust other people or yourself.
* Don’t be vulnerable.
* Don’t be direct.
* Don’t get close to people.
* Don’t grow, change, or in any way rock this family’s boat.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Take 5

Post by ertyu »

Can you recommend something by him to read?

Frita
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:43 pm

Re: Take 5

Post by Frita »

My knowledge of Robert Subby is more general. As a former educator, we saw students and families with these patterns without the substance abuse. So part of working with high-risk populations is reparenting. This can be difficult depending on the school/organizational culture and individuals working there. ;) (I am not implying that I am perfect, mind you. In my family of origin, we had/have some of these dynamics. My spouse’s family has some too. But we are trying really hard to break the cycle. During times of stress, the triangulation and emotional negation can resurface, but we talk about it and make corrections.)

When I did an Amazon search, these are his books I found:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=robert+subby&ref=is_s

I am sorry that I cannot give you a personal recommendation.

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