Rouva's second journal

Where are you and where are you going?
Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

This is my second journal here. I'm 36 years old Finn. I first found ERE nine years ago and documented my journey for six years on the forum. I went back to university and became a social worker because I wanted a profitable degree which would complement my previous, too general master’s degree. There is a shortage of social workers in my country and the salary is a bit better than average, ranging from 2700 – 3700 euros depending on location and field. Not a STEM salary, but I skipped the math in high school, so it was the best I could do.

My motivation for FIRE is not so much about early retirement than financial security. I’m a caregiver for a child with developmental disability, and we went through financially hard times when I had no other income than my carer’s allowance which is little less than 300 euros a month after tax. Getting and staying employed has been a struggle for me, and my window for full-time work is rather short. In three years, my child will graduate and the after-school care which has enabled me to work, ends. The day center will offer no more than 5-6 hours a day. I’m not yet sure how to continue after that. I hope I could work remotely to make up missing 2-3 hours and in case I can’t, save money like a madwoman.

On the first half of my journey, I paid off my mortgage and saved a nest egg of 72 000. Due to a family crisis, I had to drop out of work for six months. Currently, I have 51 000 left. After three months of searching, I found a new job which requires weekly driving around the country. I had to buy a reliable car. Even though the car secured me a permanent, well-paid job, making the first withdrawal after 2003 felt odd and now I’ve made a goal of putting the money back.

My experience of staying home again changed my goals. Those months proved me that I need much better social life and more money to ever enjoy full-time caregiving. My previous goal of 200 000 in investments will not be enough. Our apartment building will need pipe renewal in few years – 50 000 – and I need enough for two of us to feel secure in case we take after my grandmother and live to 99. Even though my child will have a small pension after 18 and I’ll have my carer’s allowance, our combined net income would be around 900e/month. It’s enough to live on, but not enough to attend a summer camp, pay unexpected bills or do fun, not-free things. We’ll need investment income for that. I don’t know if I can work that long, but saving 400 000 would be great. At least I have the money for pipes already.

Black and white cat
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Jul 04, 2018 3:55 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Black and white cat »

Hello Rouva,

I'm glad that you are back :) I had been following your previous journal and noticed that you hadn't posted in a while.

Are you excited to be back at work? Driving around the country sounds quite difficult, especially in the winter (in Finland!) Still, it sounds like the new car will serve you well.

I look forward to reading your updates.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

Big changes

There has been a lot of changes since my last entry. I cashed most of my investments and bought a house.

A house has been unattainable goal for me, something like winning in a lottery. My disabled child requires services which are available only in the largest cities and considering my difficulties to work + the high price level in those cities, it simply wasn’t possible. I wanted a house because my son is often noisy, and I worried about disturbing neighbours all the time. Also, I wanted a bedroom with a door I could close. Our apartment was 90m2, three bedrooms and a kitchen. I slept in the living room with my husband.

This spring I worked for CPS and found it very draining. When I came home, there was literally nowhere to go and have a cup of tea in silence. Kids were arguing, the dog was barking, tv was on and too loud and our Russian upstairs neighbour was playing his accordion again. He only knows a few songs, and I’m not a fan of his favourite. (It’s this one ) Also, the area where we lived has changed in last two years. It has never been ‘a nice neighbourhood’, but something there is off, and I can’t find the right words for it. Our long-time neighbours recognized the phenomenon, too. There was restlessness, more drugs, people taking advantage of shared resources and never giving back, causing things like a shared grill with firewood to get locked away from everyone.

Lucky for me, the housing market has changed this year. Boomers are getting too old to maintain their houses, and the price has dropped. Usually, there was only one or two houses listed below my price limit of 200k, but today there are 29 houses on sale. We found a 70s house with solid construction where the required repairs are mostly cosmetic / affordable. It’s not a house most people would like – the floors are uneven, and my father-in-law remembers to mock the living room every time he comes to visit - but interior decoration has never been something I care about. My in-laws mocked our last apartment, too, but their idea of tasteful decoration is buying armless statues of bare-breasted women from a garden shop.

So I sold the apartment, most of my investments, and bought the house with cash. I considerer taking a loan because interest rates are so low, but the thought didn’t sit well with me. My husband suggested that I might be more comfortable buying the house with cash, and he was right. He got a loan for his share, but I did not. I feel that my ability to work has been compromised by my children’s health issues so many times that I don’t want to have monthly payments on anything. At the moment, my only recurring payments are phone bills and a monthly donation for a charity.

We’ve lived here for three months now, and it’s been surprising. I didn’t expect this to be so nice. We live on a quiet side street, with twice as much space as before. My favourite thing is a storage room in the basement. I put up a home gym there, and it’s wonderful. For me, the biggest problem has always been finding someone to look after my son if I go anywhere. I’m stuck at home most of my time, and the only way for me to exercise regularly is to exercise at home. I worked with kettlebells before, but I like a barbell better. It’s really nice to have my own gym.

CountHigh
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Feb 19, 2018 4:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by CountHigh »

Great to have you writing again! I very much enjoyed reading your first journal. I often found resilience and problem solving there that were very motivating in my own life as well. Congrats on the new house! Big moves!

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

Congratulations on the house!

I will be following your journal and I am going to read your old one too. (EDIT: Or rather, I would love to read it but can't find it. :oops: )

Wish all the best to you and your family.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

A lot has happened since my last entry. I left CPS because I was afraid of a client's family and started to develop early burnout symptoms like sleeping problems and anxiety, but didn't get support from my manager. Getting out was the right decision, because it took three weeks until I could sleep through the night and my symptoms never progressed far enough to need medical attention. Still, the experience left me a bit reserved towards social work. There is something wrong in a profession where everyone knows more than one colleague who has ended up in psychiatric ward for burnout, but the solution is self-care. No amount of bath bombs or breathing meditation will make up for secondary trauma or the stress caused by client behaviour.

After CPS, I worked in a developmental disability ward at the local hospital for a year. It was interesting experience, but perhaps a bit too close to home for long term. Some patients truly tugged my heart's strings, and I still pray for them because I don't know what else could help. We had patients incapable of communication, who were too violent for anyone to enter their room. They had epilepsy and seriously self-harming behaviour. But law required we respected their privacy, and we couldn't install a camera or even a small window on their door so we could check if they were still alive, or going through a fit and needing help. Situations like this provoked feelings of helplessness and fear and were painful for all of us, because our hands were tied by the law, and personally painful to me. It was difficult to maintain professional distance when I could see my own son in those patients and relate to their families' pain and feelings of helplessness.

When I left the hospital, I signed a five-month contract with another CPS unit. It was better run than my previous CPS unit, but still CPS, which I don't personally care about even though they pay well. Working with children and their families isn't my thing, but if one wants to find a new job ASAP, CPS is the place to call! When I left the hospital, I sent a text message at 7.20 AM to three CPS managers to ask whether they had anything available and was hired at 7.40 = before the office hours even begin. The market for social workers is ridiculous.

My contract ran until the end of year, and then it all went to hell. The readers of my first diary recall my oldest is bipolar, and I had many issues with his ups and downs. His illness has never been stable. The cycle from depression to hypomania takes approx three months, and our whole family is much affected. This time it got worse. He had been dabbling in drugs, and developed a dependency on alcohol. With his illness, it got him in real trouble. He got a lot of support from his CPS worker, and many chances, but messed them all. In the end I lost his custody and now he no longer lives at home.

The process took almost four months, and was very hard on me, because we were not taken seriously at first and my child blamed me for everything. I just crashed. I had started in a new job, which required a health check, and I couldn't pass it. In hindsight, it was a blessing, because I was referred to a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with C-PSTD and started therapy. I was on sick leave for six weeks and looking back, I went back to work too soon. I'm still not all right, and probably won't be for a long time.

When the situation with my oldest was going on, my disabled son started reacting to whole mess. Since he is nonverbal, talking it through was not possible. He shouted and roared and yelled instead, causing me to miss work sometimes because they wouldn't take him in the taxi. It finally culminated on Midsummer eve, when he physically attacked me. When I called the police, they offered me no assistance with my son. They only asked whether I wanted to file a police report against him, and advised against it, since he is not criminally responsible.

I'm disappointed at my family and relatives, because nobody is willing to discuss what happened. They just brush it under the rug and expect me to go on like before, but I'm badly rattled by the episode and therefore find it difficult to interact with my son normally.

Considering all this, I'm quite disillusioned with my family, my work and my life at the moment. But I'm trying to think positively. Even though I'm not as well as six months ago, I'm feeling better than I was in February or March. I've been able to give up medication and I can see some progress from therapy. My current job contract ends in August and the next position is 70% client work, 30% adminstrative. I hope it will give me more time to decompress from client work. I don't think I can keep doing social work forever, since I don't feel it's good for me to be routinely exposed to trauma at work, but at the moment, it's what I got. I applied to different jobs in March but got no replies. I guess I'm caught in the specialist trap.

My ability to tolerate crisis is not what it used to be. My psychiatrist said that I'm able to work in any job which has nothing to do with crisis or relationships, but he cannot recommend I stay at social work. Unfortunately, it's the only field which will hire me. I'm looking around, thinking what else I could do, but I have found nothing so far. I'm not talented in STEM fields and my area has no adminstrative jobs available. That led me to social work in the first place.

Being unwell and losing the custody of my oldest has done a lot of damage to my finances. I had to end my caregiving contract with municipality, because I would not have been able to claim sickness allowance otherwise. Losing caregiver's allowance, child benefits and paying child support to municipality cut 800€/month from my income. My current job is not well paid (my May salary after taxes was 2116€) and requires a car. Commute is 50 km and the gas prices have gone up lately. One litre is 1,67€. I'm paying the therapy out of my pocket, costing 300€/month, and the allergen immunotherapy for my son is 117€. We have scheduled a pipe repair in September, and I'm saving 1400€/month for that. When I calculated my budget for July, I had to postpone a dental cleaning and cancel the two-day family trip we had planned for the kids because there was not enough money. But things will get easier in September. The pipe repair gets done, I can sell the car which helps a lot and the new job pays better. Small steps.

Vaikeasti
Posts: 110
Joined: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:02 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Vaikeasti »

A prayer from here to you. It's very nice to hear from you even if the news are not nice.
Makes me appreaciate many things more in my life.
I wish your family well. Hope this summer treats you kindly.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

I'm not sure how to recap last two years. After ten years of pursuing ERE, I managed to retire, but not in a way I wanted to. I'm on disablity, I think SSDI is the closest US term for it.

Soon after my last entry, my bipolar boy tried to kill me. It really fucked up my PTSD, and I could not return to work after the attempt. He got a prison sentence of thirty days and because he was so young, it was turned into a suspended sentence of one year, where he had to meet with a counsellor once a week. We managed to get over that, and he wanted to come home. His hypomanic phase turned into depression, and it was really, really bad. Social services would not allow him to move back home, so my son committed suicide. It was spring 2022 and he was seventeen years old. He broke my heart.

I never got over his death. I was hospitalized twice. The old adage how one mentally ill person causes the people around him to get sick, too, proved true. My work insurance company decided to put me on fixed-period medical retirement, and since I haven't gotten much better, it's been continued thrice so far.

ertyu
Posts: 2893
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by ertyu »

how absolutely awful. my condolences. wishing you and the rest of your family healing.

a high school classmate with a father who died in similar circumstances once said, "he didn't kill himself, the bipolar killed him." he seemed to find comfort in that.

DutchGirl
Posts: 1646
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:49 pm
Location: The Netherlands

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by DutchGirl »

I'm also so sorry to read this. My condolences. I can't imagine what it's like to live with this, and yet I hope with all my heart that you will continue to manage to do so, and that life will get a bit easier again with every season that passes.

guitarplayer
Posts: 1301
Joined: Thu Feb 27, 2020 6:43 pm
Location: Scotland

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by guitarplayer »

Seneca was a Roman philosopher and wrote once a piece called 'Consolation to Marcia' which takes the form of a personal letter to a mother mourning (for over three years at the time of writing) after her lost son. Here is a version in English, I could not find a version in Finnish but you can surely find Seneca's Dialogues at any library. Maybe it would prove helpful to you.

Aspirant
Posts: 125
Joined: Mon Dec 31, 2018 10:57 am
Location: 65 deg north

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Aspirant »

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you can start the healing process, and get better. Your posts have showed amazing resiliency despite all the adversity that life has put in your path. I have no words of advise, but I hope that this expression of empathy will reach you...

Crusader
Posts: 342
Joined: Wed Aug 19, 2020 11:16 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Crusader »

My condolences. I'll join in to say that we are all just stardust and nothing really matters... or something. :(

suomalainen
Posts: 979
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by suomalainen »

That's terrible. My daughter was suicidal for a little bit and my brother-in-law committed suicide. It's a terrible loss. I can only imagine how much more painful when it's your child and when there's been so much pain and struggle before it. I wish you peace as you continue to grieve.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

Thank you all for your empathy and kind words.

January

My disabled son turned eighteen and I filed a complaint to Digital and Population Data Services Agency, because they didn't process my application for financial guardianship in time. I started the process in May 2023 to ensure it would come through before his birthday. Well, it didn't, and now my son's bank accounts are unaccessible for everyone, including himself. He can't get digital identifiers for his online banking, because he is unable to use them without help. Now I'm waiting to see whether his pre-scheduled payments for living costs go through, or is it the bank of mom again? Hope not, because my income is not what it used to be.

I decided I should write about my accidental FIRE, since I find it funny in ironical way. (Years of saving and then all what it takes is to develop a %/#(#( PTSD. :roll: ) In Finland everyone has to opt in a pension scheme, and so did I. Disability pension is counted based on last five years of earnings. Because I pursued FIRE and took jobs with highest available salaries and did the caregiving contract, too, my pension is higher than the most. I get whopping 2100 euros a month, 1700 after tax. Average pension for women is 1658e before tax.

The ironic side of this FIRE option is that even though I have steady stream of money coming in every month, I'm still depressed about my boy and spend my days holed inside my house. No renessaince woman to be seen here! I leave the house once a week to clean a church with three grannies. It's the only activity I've managed to hold on to. When I imagined what my future FIRE life would be like, I definitely didn't imagine this.

There are a few interesting disablity payments rules. To apply, one must have lost at least 60% of their working ability. As long as it remains so, the insurance company must continue paying. When this has gone on for two years without a change, the insurance company must evaluate making the pension permanent. I reach the two year mark in June, and my next evaluation is in April. I'm taking my meds and doing therapy, but honestly I don't see a difference. So I expect I'll get my permanent pension as soon as my doctor applies for it.

DutchGirl
Posts: 1646
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:49 pm
Location: The Netherlands

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by DutchGirl »

I'm glad to hear from you again, Rouva.
It is however sad to read how you're doing. Totally understandable that this is how you're feeling, life has been really harsh, but sad. Indeed, this is not what you envisioned your FIRE stage to look like.

I'm hoping for a small miracle, in time. I'm lighting a candle for you and your loved ones, here.

And hopefully the financial guardianship bureaucratic mess will be resolved, soon.

suomalainen
Posts: 979
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by suomalainen »

Death is a difficult loss, and grieving death is an unpredictable journey. Obviously when looking forward to a FIRE life, one doesn't imagine that it might involve death or illness or disability or other major struggles. I am, however, very happy for you that in your time of grief that you also don't have to carry financial stress. Perhaps such a stress would help to force (economic) activity and could be a distraction to make you "look" more like a renaissance woman or whatever other image, but distraction can cut both ways - sometimes it helps in the grieving process and sometimes it doesn't. The benefit of FIRE is being able to choose your activities and distractions at your own pace and according to your own values. I hope with your therapist that you're able to navigate your grieving process and return to a life that you find healthy and meaningful when you're ready to do so.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

Dutchgirl and Suomalainen, thank you for your kindness.

February

So I got paid today and it didn't go as I had planned. I'm currently saving 400 a month for house renovations and paying co-pays for therapy. I expected I would have 337 left euros to spend as I want, but because my disabled son's bank account is still locked, I had to borrow him 353 euros towards his living costs. Not a success, since my spending money is a negative number now. But if one wants to see the bright side of being house-bound hermit, non-spending days are easy to have!

I went to church yesterday and got tired of all that standing, but managed to hold on until the end. I'm Eastern Orthodox and there are no chairs in the church. The services get longer and longer towards Easter, they are around two hours now. I'm counting it as a success, because I bothered to leave the house twice this week. These days I'm able, even if not always enthusiastic about it. After my oldest son's assault, I panicked when I had to leave the house and especially if I saw any teenagers. I got a supported living worker for nine months, and we mostly travelled around the city by a bus as an exposure therapy. It worked. Now when I see teenagers around his age, I get sad, and it's much better than afraid. Sort of, because being sad still sucks.

My psychiatrist wants me to exercise daily since my meds haven't been able to budge my depression symptoms, and working out equals one pill according to her. It's easier said than done, but I think I've finally figured out a way to do it. First I tried walking, but the trails here are closed during winter and I'm not really an outdoor person. Then I tried a treadmill which I bought during Covid when I was still working, but it gets really boring to stare at a wall for an hour and it didn't seem to do anything to my mood. I couldn't get myself to do it regularly.
Reading my old diary from my computer, I remembered that years ago I used to work out at Zuzka Light's Zgym, an online video library service which offers HIIT training videos for home workouts. I'm not in a shape I was back then. Thanks to 18 months escitalopram/lexapro, I have a body shape of a Moomin. I'm grateful to be off it, even though losing weight is currently outside of my willpower capacity.
Zgym has free Bunny Slope series for overweight people. The idea is that each workout is 20 minutes. Even on a bad day, I can convince myself to do 20 minutes and I managed to get back to it after two week break when we had covid in January. Today I'm on third week day of 9 week program, and my current goal is to complete the program. I've completed only one exercise program in my life and it was kettlebells. I notice I'm feeling a bit brighter for an hour or two after my workout, thanks to endorphines, and at this point of my illness we're trying anything that works because we've ran out of medicine options.

After buying our house in 2019, I saved a nest egg of 40 000€. I used to keep it in passive index funds, but cashed out luckily before the market crashed and bought a piece of land by a lake. Before I got sick, I also bought a timber frame for a little summer cabin and we started building on our own. Purchasing the land and starting to build took all my savings and when they ran out, I was on sickness leave and couldn't contribute to building anymore. Husband took over, and has bought most of the materials (and done the work, I couldn't build anything more complicated than IKEA bed). In hindsight, I should not have started building it but I had no idea I would get sick and lose my ability to work. However, the plot is good, the lake is clean and the place is not too far away from nearest big city, so I expect I could sell it if I have to. The cabin should be finished this year and I'm looking forward to it.

My current problem with finances is that I'm stuck with remnants of my working life instead of living a life I can afford. I bought our house and the summer cabin when I was still working and my income was much higher. Now I can pay the running costs, but saving for inevitable repairs is slow, and if something big and unexpected happens I don't have means to pay my share and I'm not eligible for a loan since my pension isn't permanent but fixed term. The house is too big for us after my son died, but it's close to husband's work, and he doesn't want to move. Nobody in our family wants to move except me. I would like a cheaper and smaller house further from the city, not on rental plot. Our rent increased from 700 to 3700 euros this year, when old contract of 40 years was renewed. It feels stupid to pay so much for the ground below the house.

DutchGirl
Posts: 1646
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 1:49 pm
Location: The Netherlands

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by DutchGirl »

Hello Rouva, good to read another update from you.

Ah, so in my country also some houses are on the government's or local government's land, and if so, the house owners need to pay an annual rent bill to the government. Sometimes for a big sum you can pay rent in one go for for example 10 or 30 years, sometimes for a bigger sum you can buy it off forever. (Somehow the land then still is owned by the government, but they pinky-promise to never ask for rent ever again). But if there's still an annual rent or there will be again in the future after a term is up, then it's a lot of hassle and it's a bit harder to sell such a house, especially if a fixed term is about to expire and the government may ask for a higher rent in the future.
So did you get a new 40 year contract? And it won't be inflation-adjusted during the term?

You state that you're stuck with your finances based on your old situation, while you have a lower income now. I hope that you have some time to adjust to the new situation without running into financial issues? You'll probably have to change some things about your expenses, but if you have some years before shit truly hits the fan, then at least you have some time to think about what changes to make, and when.

I'm glad to read that you found a way of exercising that seems to work, somewhat at least, for you. I love walking, but the weather here is I think on average nicer than where you live, and maybe the area where I live is also a bit nicer and friendlier to walk around in.

I hope your disabled son's bank account gets unlocked, soon, so that he can pay for his own expenses, and hopefully also pay you back.

See you later.

Rouva
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:13 pm

Re: Rouva's second journal

Post by Rouva »

Dutchgirl, we have similar system of rental land owned by local authority or sometimes the local authority sells plots, especially on less populated areas. Our local authority is greedy and does only rentals. Our new contract is for next 40 years, and the 3700 euros is annual rent this year. Next year it will be adjusted again according to plot's value, so I expect some raise but not as much as this time when the rental contract was renewed. The old price was from 1970s. I would prefer owning the land, because even though the rent is payable as a family, I would have hard time paying it if something happened to my husband. Annual rent is worth two months' net pension now, and it's only going to increase because the city I live in is growing quickly. Our house is located only 6km from the city centre.

Luckily there are no imminent financial problems in the horizon, but I would feel more secure if my disability pension was permanent or I would get well enough to return to work. I don't think the latter option is realistic, because my illness seems to be a difficult one. I attempted a return last summer, and it didn't work out. Then I tried a very different job as a cleaner, and couldn't do that either.
Realistically, I will eventually need a smaller, cheaper house on a purchased plot. My fixed terms have been short, six months or eight months at a time, and it makes impossible to plan big changes like moving. I hope to have some kind of resolution to issue this year, when my two years are done.

I like walking, too, but our current area is not good for walking during the winter. The walking routes are turned into skiing trails. I don't understand why both walkers and skiers can't be catered for, but I guess it's a cultural thing. Skiing trails are a must even though I don't know anyone who uses them.

Post Reply