Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Where are you and where are you going?
7Wannabe5
Posts: 7128
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Suo:

Gotcha. I am also trying to turn a further block corner from using otherwise attractive psychological dumpster fire men as easy source of free Thai food. Makes me feel a bit too much like an asbestos covered 90 year old.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 787
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by Jin+Guice »

I think “work on yourself” and “be yourself” are sort of bad advice. Definitely work on yourself. Definitely be yourself. Unless that self-work includes developing emotional and social skills specifically tailored towards your goals, you’re going to have a more difficult time building successful relationships.

Most influence/ persuasion/ social skills books are about manipulating instantaneous social/ emotional factors. The goal is to flip a few subconscious switches to bias someone towards liking you/ doing what you want. Getting them to “do what you want” sounds shady, but again, it’s really hard to get people to do things they actually don’t want to do. Someone might be looking for an investment opportunity, why should they invest in you? Someone might want to sleep with someone, why should they sleep with you?

@Biscuits: I agree that building a strong romantic relationship is based on self-disclosure, vulnerability and honesty. I used to assume that learning about influence meant I was somehow changing myself or being dishonest to my own identity. Now I look at it like investment or gardening or any other skill. If anything it’s allowed me to be more “myself,” because I’m less worried about hiding aspects of my personality from everyone, because I’m more attuned to if they might be receptive to something.

The idea that gaining social skills or learning about how the process of dating or other social processes work in our society requires you to sell out some part of yourself is false. Seeking casual or transactional relationships does not stop someone from seeking deeper ones, though the skills required for each may be different in some aspects.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 7128
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

It’s also the case that most people possess more vulnerability to reveal at 16 than by 56. I think because your perspective becomes more outward directed. Also, you can even come to value the increasingly rare event of somebody having the power to push one of your buttons. Also, blah blah blah my parents, blah blah blah my ex, blah blah blah other people’s politics...life is short, let’s find something fun or interesting to do together.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Posts: 155
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 12:53 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by Miss Lonelyhearts »

YOLO is not to be underestimated, but it can also be the case that if blah blah blah my parents blah blah blah my ex are the most exasperating, exhausting topics imaginable, proactive steps to extinguish smoldering embers of resentment/disillusion may be necessary for next stage of romantic maturation, much as clearing outstanding credit card debt would be necessary for graduating from salary-dependent to skill-dependent lifestyle.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 7128
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Miss Lonelyhearts:

I’m not sure I follow. Do you mean that there is a further level up where listening to somebody complain about having to listen to people complain is also boring? That makes sense. I very much need to break the bad habit of allowing men to believe that I am an empathetic listener. Maybe it’s kind of the conversational equivalent of faking an orgasm when all you really felt was a bit of wet?

suomalainen
Posts: 792
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2014 12:49 pm

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by suomalainen »

Apropos to the conversation above about relationships with others: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/arch ... le/618529/

The article isn't all that insightful or anything, more of a timely reminder.
Recognizing this gender pattern, and also that both of us could benefit from deeper friendships, my wife and I started organizing our social life specifically around conversations about more profound issues. At the risk of becoming Mr. and Mrs. Intense, we directed dinnertime chats with friends away from trivialities like vacation plans and house purchases, and toward issues of happiness, love, and spirituality. This deepened some of our friendships, and in other cases showed us that a more fulfilling relationship wasn’t going to be possible—and, thus, where to put less energy.
Heh. I'm Mr. Intense. It does have the benefit of weeding out people who don't have the same philosophical interests as I do, which tends to be a dividing line for me between "deal friends" (my "friends of convenience") and "real friends".

ertyu
Posts: 1699
Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2016 2:31 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by ertyu »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Sun Mar 21, 2021 3:07 pm
@Miss Lonelyhearts:

I’m not sure I follow. Do you mean that there is a further level up where listening to somebody complain about having to listen to people complain is also boring? That makes sense. I very much need to break the bad habit of allowing men to believe that I am an empathetic listener. Maybe it’s kind of the conversational equivalent of faking an orgasm when all you really felt was a bit of wet?
as someone still in the blah blah blah my parents stage, I think I got her. She meant that yes, it might be exhausting, but if you haven't outgrown it, you haven't outgrown it. If you still have active pus festering under there, pretending not to notice it will only make the abscess worse. Before you can get to the stage of, "bah, life is a fucking bore when all you're focused on is this abscess," you need to drain the damn thing and you need to take some time to let it heal.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 7128
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@ertyu:

I agree and friend hugs. I was actually more pointing to my own dysfunctional tendency towards too much trading “fake” empathetic listening for something else I want such as hawt sex with a depressive but otherwise sexy musician/artist type or free Thai food from an otherwise attractive man who is still in his recovery from first divorce phase. Actually, my empathy is not always fake, but there is definite possibility it will become fake or vaporize completely if over-tapped. Also, I have too often been in relationship with others who believe empathy means inhabiting same emotional space. For extreme instance, my very dysthymic, very I, very F, ex once told me that he was envious of the fact that I enjoyed sex more than him, even though he was the one with whom I was having sex!?!? :lol:

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