How to be optimistic all the time? Presenting genuinely v. happily

[Loner]

Being truly optimistic or pessimistic is, it seems to me, mostly about temperament, i.e., innate and difficult to change. So well, talking about how to “be optimistic” might be vain.

That aside, I get your point, Jacob, when you write that “optimism leads to a feeling of abundance, security, and openness and you might be right ... but that feeling only lasts until you get clobbered”.

But then results are never objectively evaluated. To be more concrete, a true optimist might get clobbered... and still go on living happily (maybe because it teaches them some lesson, or maybe just because they are upbeat). Think of people going through war, and being shot at, and saying it was a great formative experience (not to mention even worst things).

For example, I follow the BMX/MTB scene semi-closely. Last year, a guy had a crash (without a helmet) that send his head flying on a cement corner. It literally opened his cranium and left him semi-crippled. (His brain now seems to work OK and he stills maintains his Youtube Channel, and looks cheery all the time.) Now you’d think “I’d have much preferred to be pessimistic and worn a helmet, and not crashed”. But the guy, even though he looks half dead, looks more happy than a bunch of pessimistic people I know (and a couple of posters on this very forum who have they shit solidly together through a meticulous planning of every aspect of their life, yet sound absolutely miserable and tortured by the thought of losing their millions).

I’m not trying to put anyone down, by the way. I spend a lot of time here, so obviously, I do not believe in just “going with the flow” and hoping miracles will happen. I plan my life trying to minimize downside risk. I just mean that if you are a true optimist, foreseeing the worst and planning for it might not be necessary because you naturally see the worst as being quite fine.

I guess the best attitude is to plan for the worst, and to be stoic enough to have the strength (or have the right temperament) to interpret anything that happens as a solid positive.

As for sugar coating, I do think that if one bothers to give advice, one should give it in a way that increases the chance of it being heeded. Otherwise, not only will it be useless, but it would be easy to interpret this advice-giving as an attempt to lift one’s ego through knowledge-spreading.

@THF Don't lose hope, this place is great and full of great advice, even though it gets rough sometimes

[Loner]

@RealPerson @RJ

Reading RJ, I feel just like RealPerson. I cannot relate so much. I did see a lot of very broken people, but never had to live with them. For some reason, I feel like my life has been blessed up to now. Thanks for sharing your stories, it is inspiring to see what one can overcome with some effort.

I guess if optimism is innate and becoming true optimistic is not possible for a pessimist, at least we can substitute this with gratefulness for what we have.

[Jason]

@Jason, Exactly! : )

I'm going to replace internet forums and articles with Meetups, dialogue with in-person or video calling people, mentors, books, and audiobooks/podcasts. Let's see what happens.~ Thank you all for your time over the years! I may be back in a day, a week, or years. Who knows!

I knew he leaned towards the dramatic, but I honestly didn't see this turning into a stupid goodbye thread.

[jennypenny]

I didn't either, but sometimes people have to learn some lessons for themselves. I'm sorry if I sounded cranky in my post. It just seemed a little petulant to complain about people who've tried to be helpful and supportive for the last five years. I suppose we've all had our moments though.


@7W5 -- I see myself more as a prepared optimist than a conservative one. I believe the more prepared a person is, the more reason they have to be optimistic about outcomes. I also think timelines and perspectives are important here. I'm usually very optimistic about the near-term future. I'm reasonably optimistic looking out 6-12 months (about my own outcomes), and I'm hopeful looking out 2-5 years. Beyond that, there are too many variables and too many bad things that could happen for me to judge. If you ask me about other people, or the market, or society, or whatever, I tend to be much more pessimistic because I think it's warranted. There's a lot that could go wrong and most people are ill-prepared for it.

I guess that makes me optimistic about my own future but pessimistic about the future of certain segments of society at large, especially long term. I don't let it ruin my day though.

[BRUTE]

millennials gonna millennial.

something about how humans relate to each other is lost to certain humans. it is all about demands. brute has seriously heard millennials say and put in writing things like "I need you to..". starting every discussion with demands is a surefire way to get none of them met.

it's one thing to make demands if there are other places one can go. if the demands are not met, there is the other place. but it seems that somewhere in there, the idea that demands are part of negotiations, and negotiations require a foundation, got lost.

brute can't simply walk up to humans and start demanding stuff. some of the humans might indulge him, for a while. if he keeps doing that, they might start to get pissed off and turn him down, or become rude.

it's probably not even really a millennial thing - but brute seems to encounter it mostly from them.

[SavingWithBabies]

Realism is about accurately looking at a problem. Optimism is thinking you can solve it. Agency is solving it. That's why I consider forumites optimistic. They assume you (and others) can solve any problem, which is why they try to help you figure out how.

Exactly! I feel obligated to write more here but I think the above is worth repeating.

[saving-10-years]

I wish @THF luck and hope he finds what he needs.

I wonder from his posts here and some while he was in NYC whether there is a compare and contrast thing happening. His real life friends and other information sources he enjoys are more upbeat and optimistic and relaxing that we are? Maybe that is what he needs - some youthful fun and solo exploration. He has ERE sussed if he needs those skills and knows where to come for advice and how to ask. He has time, money and education that most young men his age could not dream of. To others of his age and background he must appear like he has pretty much everything sussed. Largely this is true. But he has very high standards so wants more. This is the theme of all his threads - How can I get more from this? I think some time ago @JP suggested @THF went and had some fun. So going and doing that where his required fun can be found is a great plan.

Welcome back anytime. Meanwhile your relentless setting up of questions in threads will continue to roll on and gather information.

[Campitor]

I wish THF the best of luck. But he's not going to find what he is looking for. He seems to be looking for perfect fulfillment which doesn't exists. Life is very sweet but also unforgiving and relentless. We can try our best to improve our fortune, happiness, and mitigate or prevent the unfortunate events but sadness and bad luck are inevitable. The trick is to recognize that everything is transient regardless if its good or bad. We need to enjoy the good moments, endure the bad, and keep forging ahead. Our lives are very short and we never know when it will end, but it will end. We have to make every day count because there is no do over.

If I were to give THF any advice it would be to read and seriously contemplate the teachings found within Marcus Aurelius' meditations and Seneca's letter regarding the shortness of life.

All the advice given to THF in this forum has been sound but only THF knows what can make him happy or what is good for THF. I think RiggerJack summed it up best in his "only Jacob can be the best at Jacobness" response. Only THF can be could at THF'ing. And by dropping from this thread/forum temporarily he will be forced to ask HIMSELF the questions that should not be asked of strangers. And perhaps THF also needs to get some needed shellacking by life in order to mature his outlook. He's living in a western democracy with all the benefits that 80% of the world only dreams about and he's asking about being happy. He should go live in Ecuador with the poor for a year - he'll come back with some perspective.

[Farm_or]

@campitor Great perspective about perspective.

If you've been coddled your whole life and sheltered or shielded from hardships, you can not appreciate real achievement and sacrifice.

There I go again? That terrible transformation from childhood to adulthood. Too many people have been spared that right of passage. And most will not go there because it is painful.

We end up with far too many children trying to operate in adult world. Spend a little time in corporate America and you will experience what I am talking about.

[TheWanderingScholar]

I also wish him best of luck; but it seems like something is just...broken in him? As if his ideals of what life has been broken, and he does not know what to do.

I hope he can find himself, or reforge himself; I've been in his position before and it sucks. But that is part of life; sometimes you have those years when nothing goes right, and you have to find yourself and what home is.

And for the original question:
You can't be genuine all the time; sometimes you need to put the mask on and find a close band of friends which you can be yourself around and just talk about life.

[fuyu]

Just wanted to say that I really appreciate THF for asking this question and everyone’s well-thought responses. It’s so different and interesting from my default thinking. I usually accept that I’m feeling happy, content, unhappy, etc at the moment and that no matter what, this feeling will pass. Sometimes if I really grumpy towards someone, I imagine them being replaced with a cat and that makes me smile and feel less annoyed towards them.