Experiencing the compounding effect of questioning everything and consistent self-development?

[TopHatFox]

Have you noticed your own life that through deliberate living and self-development, your life is very different than the peers your age, whether financially, emotionally, socially, skillfully, etc.? If so, I'd like to read about your experience: What differences have you noticed, why do you think they're there, and how did you get to where you are?

On my end, I've recently really begun noticing the difference in myself with my college peers. Even if they are the "elite" people of my age group--the ones that had all the extra-curriculars, volunteer opportunities, grades, work ethic, etc.to get to a elite college--I think they tend to not be deliberate in lots of other forms of knowledge and skills, instead passive (e.g. do good in college --> then TV/Netflix)

I write the differences I'm noticing not to brag, but to emphasize my realization that reading books, listening to podcasts, listening to books, engaging with mentors, taking action, asking questions on this forum and beyond, and generally striving to live my life as deliberately as possible is having a accumulating compounding effect in my life.

For example, I have noticed that my deliberate use of a unprocessed diet, yoga, calisthetics, cycling, running, and walking on a daily activity basis has made my body stronger than the average person my age; financial literacy and entrepreneurship has made me much wealthier than the average person; philosophy and stoicism has made me more emotionally resilient than my peers; openness, NVC, social justice, and even massage training has made me have more loving relationships and physical connections than most of my peers; skills have made more able to build houses, fix mechanical equipment, cook for myself, grow part of my food, sell ideas or business ideas to people, etc; and alternative lifestyle examples have made me have a much greater amount of interesting experiences than most--experiences such as running down a mountain barefoot, exploring sexuality with multiple partners, moving using a bicycle, standing on my head and one arm, using local plant-life as medicine and food, allowing myself to be vulnerable and genuine with everyone I meet, etc.

I'm excited to see where I continue to go from here! I hope to try my best to move forward every year with more questions and growth than the year before.

[GandK]

IME this happens more and more as you age. And you gain humility about it because everyone is gaining experiences every hour of every day. The only question is which experiences they're gaining.

Envision walking down a beach at low tide. You may collect shells, sea glass, sharks' teeth, whatever catches your eye. Maybe you pick up a piece of driftwood to burn later. Maybe you take pity on a stranded starfish and throw him back. Or swim, or snorkel, or watch the sunset. You'll do the things that interest you most. And everyone else will do the same.

Maybe you'll look at your pile of treasures at the end of the day and think you've done better than your neighbor. But the thing is: absent coercion or some form of mental illness, he did what suited him best, too.

Don't get me wrong: all us "old people" are proud of you for questioning yourself in a way that few people have the courage/insight to do at your age. Far better to ask yourself these questions at 18 than 80. But the things your peers are doing are not worth less if those actions are an accurate reflection of their values (debatable, I grant you).

Just don't get into the habit of thinking smugly of yourself. It will eventually make you lazy. And pedestals are lonely places.

[chenda]

I can only speak for myself, of course, but I find the traits which lead me to excel in some areas tend to lead to a big cost in others.

It's hard for me to explain this further, but success can be a double-edged sword.

[Dragline]

Yeah, I would agree with that. With a finite amount of time, spending it on one pursuit will be to the detriment of others.

On the other hand, much time in our culture is just wasted on TV and other passive nonsense, especially for people at Zalo's age who have lots of it, primarily because they lack direction (as I recall being true for myself). So anything spent on "tangible improvement" of any kind is probably something good.

[Beaudacious]

Have to agree with GandK. High school reunion time has come for me, and I've caught myself a couple times comparing "how much better I'm doing" to "my peers". I don't want to be that guy who has to validate my choices by showing how "superior" they are. See the worst of Vegans, Crossfitters, Hipsters, etc. I've also met some fantastic people who just so happen to not eat meat, work out, and/or like seemingly obscure things, etc. They didn't have to advertise it or show me the way, and were accepting of my own decisions.

Not picking on you Zalo. I'm really happy that you've found activities that have brought you benefit and personal meaning. It's common to want to share those new experiences as if others are ignorant or not engaged in their lives. I like to think that sane people tend to act in what they think will best benefit them. No better or no worse, just might be different.

Peers in general are moving targets. Peers in age, career, locale... Pretty easy to pick a group that you can push down or prop up if you wanted to. Maybe you should check out Lake Wobegon...?

Growth/self-development in general is just like experience/wisdom; there's no endpoint. It's a futile exercise to show how you're doing it faster... hell, you might miss some other important lessons along the way.

My slice of humble pie was delivered via my wife. Sometimes, my communication sucks. She let me know that sometimes I talk down to her. I had no idea! Obviously wasn't my intention, but my approach at times was awful when looking back. chenda touched on this... for me, my "success" in efficiency and pragmatism blinded me from emotional needs.

Always work to be done right?

[TopHatFox]

My intention is not to put other people down, more a realization that the compounding goal effect mentioned here is working for me, and I think that's swell:

http://radicalpersonalfinance.com/156-a ... ing-penny/

[steveo73]

I don't really feel the same way as Zalo. In some areas of my life I am moving forward but its really judging life on my terms. For instance I'm happier riding a bike than a car but there is a guy my age who drives a BMW and earns significantly more than me. I prefer my approach but he probably prefers his.

I also get my ass kicked regularly. At work for instance I have to manage things better because I've been working way too hard. I've also put on some extra weight that I need to get rid of predominantly from working too hard and not exercising enough. I need to balance this out.

[TopHatFox]

Interestingly, my deliberate self-development and interests have made it more difficult for me to find people I like connecting with deeply my age--people that are also on this journey of deliberate self-development, in whatever subject they prefer. If I do find then, they tend to be older than me (hence this post). I found a 30-year-old friend the other day on the summit of a mountain doing a headstand. I silently joined him and then he taught me how to juggle better. Cool. One of my closest partners who I'm cooking dinner with soon is also 31. A community member I do various sustainability activities with and often talk about all the different life philosophies he's learned and tried is fifty something. All of ya'll are at least a few years older than me, too. IME I am experiencing difficulty meeting my need for interest with the majority of people in their early 20's (I've found a few thankfully!).

Also Interestingly, because of my faster development in the areas I've mentioned and others, I am finding myself leading and facilitating groups of my peers via interest clubs, group activities, etc. I think this seems to be a neat side effect of my self-development. One of my outdoor leadership friends (age 42) has mentioned that if I make a goal to develop myself always, I will eventually get good at whatever it is, and then the goal can shift to how can I share this thing I've gained with others that are interested, so that they may gain with me.

[sky]

I am an alien. No TV, church, bigass SUV, motor toys, drug habit, kids, social scene or political party.

I am quite happy not being part of the current culture.

[GandK]

Interestingly, my deliberate self-development and interests have made it more difficult for me to find people I like connecting with deeply my age--people that are also on this journey of deliberate self-development, in whatever subject they prefer. If I do find then, they tend to be older than me (hence this post).

If it is your goal to find people that are (already) on the same train that you are, then you're right, it will be difficult. Whatever phase of life you're in, 98% of the people you meet will be neither headed in the same direction you're going, nor even desirous of reaching your chosen destination.

If it is your goal to connect with people, however, you have a lot more options than you seem to be giving yourself above.

Everyone you'll ever meet has done things you haven't, experienced the same things you have with a different set of eyes, and had a different set of thoughts and emotions in response. From my Feeling perspective, this alone makes all other humans fascinating and generates an endless supply of connection points. More than I could ever hope to explore in my lifetime. But as you're more focused on knowledge-based interactions, which tend to be transactional, let's take that ball and run with it. Everyone you'll ever meet knows something that you don't. Something worth knowing. There's mystery in that. But many people decide through a brief set of superficial encounters that because this fellow doesn't use proper grammar, is uninterested in personal finance and is an NRA member, he is unworthy of their time. (Random examples.)

I grew up near an old mechanic whose particular business/talent was working on Mack trucks. Truckers from all over the country brought him their rigs. And every little boy for miles around liked to go hang out in his shop and "help," which the old guy seemed to eat up with a spoon. As I was rather a tomboy, I went too a few times, to see what the fuss was about. And I didn't get it. They weren't having fun. They weren't really talking, really connecting. It was a bunch of young guys standing around watching an old guy change an alternator. Why was this even interesting? And more importantly, why was this taking away from our Capture the Flag games? I thought they were all nuts.

It wasn't until I was older that I realized what a genius that man was, and in ways I'll never completely understand. I literally cannot do the things that he did, or live the life that he lived. There are so many types of intelligence and knowledge, so many directions worth going in. Hopefully we're all on the right train for us, but even discussing with others why they're on a different train will yield connection if you're open to it. Sure, it's frustrating when people don't really understand you, and it's easier to connect with people who do. Is ease really what you're looking for, or do you want to see life in a new way? My experience is that whenever I encounter someone who doesn't understand me, it's equally likely that I'm not understanding them... that I, too, have a comprehension problem. Trying to see the world through others' eyes has produced some of the most satisfying relationships in my life.

Might be worth a shot.

[TopHatFox]

Everyone has a story and I can connect with their humanness? I can learn Something from most everyone I meet? I like it! Thanks!

To be honest I am already of the mind that every human usually wants to be happy and they simply go about it there own way. It's my intention to learn from them. If they disagree with something I say or stand for, then it might serve me well to listen genuinely before responding. I have learned many challenging and useful insights this way, and met some interesting people of all kinds.

That said, I've never formed a deep connection with people that don't align with the way I am to some extent, especially partners. Not sure if I'd like to form a deeper connection with the NRA fellow above, for example, than a few involved conversations to listen to his perspective on life and what his story is.

What are your thoughts on that?

[GandK]

This guy had similar questions and wrote to Andrew WK of the Village Voice last year. A very liberal young man was having a hard time connecting with his very conservative father. AWK's response is one of the most brilliant and touching pieces on navigating relationships - and political differences - that I've ever read:

ASK ANDREW W.K.: MY DAD IS A RIGHT-WING ASSHOLE

[7Wannabe5]

I very much agree with what GandK wrote. The process of consistent self-development you describe has to do with what I think of as "practice." As in, "It is my current practice to spend an hour most mornings drinking green tea and pondering ideas." or "It is my current practice to swim for an hour each day." or "It is my current practice to dump a box of Garnier Nutrisse Natural Blonde on my head once a month." or "It is my current practice to spend an average of 20 hours/month maintaining my rare book business." Ideally, your practice will be in perfect alignment with your values through your purpose. The older you get, the more difficult it becomes to compare yourself with your peers because no two people have the identical set of values or, even more relevant, the same purposes in relationship to a set of values. Therefore, the same level of achievement of success and fulfillment in life can look very different in two different people by the age of 60, as opposed to 16, or even 32.

One way to recognize your purpose or purposes in life is noticing where your feelings intersect your thoughts and inform your actions. For instance, I clearly remember being a little girl who felt sorry for a library book because nobody had checked it out and read it for years before I did. Now, I am an adult who occasionally receives correspondence from her customers along the lines of "Thank you! Thank you! The book is wonderful. I never thought I would find it again because it is so rare." and that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. Thus, I choose to maintain the practice of being a rare book dealer. Another one of my purposes, which is less unique, is that I am a "feeder." My FOO (family of origin) situation was such that I took on a good deal of responsibility for feeding other people at a young age, and I also experience a good deal of sensual enjoyment from food myself. However, unlike my mission to save books from being lost, neglected or rendered extinct, there are a lot of people who share my purpose of "feeder." Therefore, on the occasions I find myself doing something like helping a group of older women prepare a potluck buffet meal to serve after a memorial service being conducted in Cement City, Michigan, I can relate to these women through our shared purpose and experiences in the role of "feeder" because somebody who can't even read beyond 2nd grade level might still have the world's best recipe for pickled peaches.

When you are engaging a lot of your time an energy in practice that isn't in alignment with your values and purpose, sometimes this will just look like failure, but sometimes it can superficially look like success, because what you have been doing with your time and energy is "just pimping" or towards "counting coup" or status competition with others. OTOH, and this can be harder to ferret out, sometimes your practice such-as-it-is-or-has-been is truly more reflective of your true values system or purpose than what you think SHOULD be your true values system. For instance, you might be telling yourself that you shouldn't engage in the practice of wandering about the house drinking green tea and pondering ideas for an hour each morning because such a practice is in opposition to the Puritan Work Ethic and you might better use that time building things from wood. There are an infinite number of valid and/or valuable practices you might adopt and strive to maintain at the age of 21 and they will all compound by the time you are 63. So, don't look to your peers, or even necessarily your elders, look at yourself and observe when your thoughts, feelings and actions are all in alignment and you are best experiencing a sense of flow or fulfillment and try to drop all judgment and survival or status anxiety and choose those practices towards your ideal.

I am telling you this as somebody who has few external trappings of status or success but can honestly say that if I was struck dead by lightning this moment, I would have mostly fulfilled my purposes on this planet. My main problem at the moment is figuring out what I am going to do with the next 40 years- lol.

[steveo73]

The process of consistent self-development you describe has to do with what I think of as "practice." As in, "It is my current practice to spend an hour most mornings drinking green tea and pondering ideas." or "It is my current practice to swim for an hour each day." or "It is my current practice to dump a box of Garnier Nutrisse Natural Blonde on my head once a month." or "It is my current practice to spend an average of 20 hours/month maintaining my rare book business." Ideally, your practice will be in perfect alignment with your values through your purpose. The older you get, the more difficult it becomes to compare yourself with your peers because no two people have the identical set of values or, even more relevant, the same purposes in relationship to a set of values. Therefore, the same level of achievement of success and fulfillment in life can look very different in two different people by the age of 60, as opposed to 16, or even 32.

I really like this point. I think the ideal way to life is to have practices that are in alignment with your values. Its one of the reasons I really relate to ER because work is not something that I would do if I didn't have too. I have to work to pay the bills but ideally I would fill my life with practices that I enjoy.

[Scott 2]

Defining yourself by what you achieve or have is a recipe for unhappiness. You can always be better or have more. Eventually you will fail to improve, even regress. Others will always fail to meet the standard sooner or later. Best case scenario is a cycle of externally driven highs and lows, where lasting peace is impossible.

I encourage you to explore what is driving the need for improvement. Get a handle on that, so you can enjoy experiences and people for what they are today. This includes yourself. You might not accomplish as much, but in my experience, the existence it fosters is much more pleasant.

In your yoga speak - find an existence absent from both desire and aversion

[El Duderino]

Defining yourself by what you achieve or have is a recipe for unhappiness.

Scott, right on man.

Mark Twain said it best, "Comparison is the death of joy."

[vexed87]

Agreed, Scott2 has nailed it. Society places too much emphasis on success, rather the ability to, dare I say it, enjoy the ride.

[TopHatFox]

Agreed, Scott2 has nailed it. Society places too much emphasis on success, rather the ability to, dare I say it, enjoy the ride.

I agree that success, however a person defines it for themselves, is not in itself a sustainable medium for happiness. I seek external happiness derived from my version of success to only be a supplement to my internal happiness, derived mostly from stoic philosophy.

I aim to be internally stoically joyful whether I fail or not at a external goal--in fact I am happy if I fail because I may learn even more. It is my intention to try my best to live my life resonating joy from the inside, while also taking part in activities that add even more happiness externally. In my case, part of this means learning new stuff, seeing new places, meeting new people, being more financially free, etc.