Well this throws my whole parenting plan of pop tarts, pizza pockets, teletubbies and John Wayne movies out the window. Thanks a lot dragline.
To Don't Lists
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SustainableHappiness
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2016 6:39 pm
Re: To Don't Lists
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Lillailler
- Posts: 67
- Joined: Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:09 am
Re: To Don't Lists
It seems to me there is a fundamental asymmetry between to-do and not-do lists, in the way that the hunter has to kill one deer out of many, from time to time (To-Do), whereas the shepherd has to keep all the wolves out of the flock all the time (To-Don't).
MyTo-Don'ts included several more-or-less successfully ingrained habits, which are widely shared and not particularly interesting: 'Don't Smoke', 'Don't Drink Alcohol', 'Don't Eat Carbs', 'Don't buy stuff I don't really need','Don't try to win the approval of people who's approval is not worth it'.
There are a couple of things I have learnt to Don't:
'Don't Engage in unnecessary conflict'. This one came to me during a business training course on Goldratt's 'Cloud', which is a systems-thinking method of constructively resolving disagreements within a business. There was another person with whom I had fallen into a pattern of chronic conflict: when I had a proposal to change something within the business he almost always vehemently opposed me, so when he made a suggestion, good or bad, I paid him back by opposing him. It was as if I had two scripts: 'He won the last conflict, so I must win this one', and 'I won the last conflict, so I will make sure I win this one.' Both scripts leading to renewal of the ongoing pattern of conflict. There and then I decided to consider every new idea of my opponent's strictly on its merits, and I now try to apply that thinking to every potential chronic conflict.
A key part of 'Cloud' is to expose the facts, logic and assumptions you rely on in coming to your view, and to honestly try to understand the facts, logic and assumptions the other side relies on. Sometimes you will find out the other side has it right - then you accept it, even endorse it. Sometimes you have it right, but the actual difference between the two sides is not worth squabbling over: then you don't squabble. Sometimes you learn facts you didn't know, discover you are carrying around false assumptions, or that your logic is faulty: then you are glad of the opportunity to learn something new. Sometimes your opponent has bad motivation, in these cases they almost always 2) refuse to share their facts, logic and assumptions because they won't stand the light of day and 2) avoid making conflicts with you in future. Using Cloud helps turn conflict over a business decision into a two-way learning task, thus strengthening relationships and quality of decisions. Perhaps surprisingly, it is not seen as manipulative if you win, and not seen as weak if you accept the other side winning, it is seen as a show of wisdom either way!
Cloud of course also works at home, but that is another story.
Just one more 'To-Don't' is 'Don't Let envy move me'. Sometimes we can't help feeling, on looking at a beautiful house by the lakeside, 'I wish that was mine, not his' but in my view that feeling is immensely destructive, so I strive not to let that wolf into the flock. Ever.
MyTo-Don'ts included several more-or-less successfully ingrained habits, which are widely shared and not particularly interesting: 'Don't Smoke', 'Don't Drink Alcohol', 'Don't Eat Carbs', 'Don't buy stuff I don't really need','Don't try to win the approval of people who's approval is not worth it'.
There are a couple of things I have learnt to Don't:
'Don't Engage in unnecessary conflict'. This one came to me during a business training course on Goldratt's 'Cloud', which is a systems-thinking method of constructively resolving disagreements within a business. There was another person with whom I had fallen into a pattern of chronic conflict: when I had a proposal to change something within the business he almost always vehemently opposed me, so when he made a suggestion, good or bad, I paid him back by opposing him. It was as if I had two scripts: 'He won the last conflict, so I must win this one', and 'I won the last conflict, so I will make sure I win this one.' Both scripts leading to renewal of the ongoing pattern of conflict. There and then I decided to consider every new idea of my opponent's strictly on its merits, and I now try to apply that thinking to every potential chronic conflict.
A key part of 'Cloud' is to expose the facts, logic and assumptions you rely on in coming to your view, and to honestly try to understand the facts, logic and assumptions the other side relies on. Sometimes you will find out the other side has it right - then you accept it, even endorse it. Sometimes you have it right, but the actual difference between the two sides is not worth squabbling over: then you don't squabble. Sometimes you learn facts you didn't know, discover you are carrying around false assumptions, or that your logic is faulty: then you are glad of the opportunity to learn something new. Sometimes your opponent has bad motivation, in these cases they almost always 2) refuse to share their facts, logic and assumptions because they won't stand the light of day and 2) avoid making conflicts with you in future. Using Cloud helps turn conflict over a business decision into a two-way learning task, thus strengthening relationships and quality of decisions. Perhaps surprisingly, it is not seen as manipulative if you win, and not seen as weak if you accept the other side winning, it is seen as a show of wisdom either way!
Cloud of course also works at home, but that is another story.
Just one more 'To-Don't' is 'Don't Let envy move me'. Sometimes we can't help feeling, on looking at a beautiful house by the lakeside, 'I wish that was mine, not his' but in my view that feeling is immensely destructive, so I strive not to let that wolf into the flock. Ever.
Re: To Don't Lists
1) Do you have a visualized (and possibly public) version of your web of goals?
2) How do you determine when you violate it? On a related note, do you have an early warning system?
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slowtraveler
- Posts: 722
- Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2015 10:06 pm
Re: To Don't Lists
Don't take on debt I cannot immediately pay off with cash or short term treasury bills.
Don't buy too many clothes. I'll end up decluttering them when I move to a new climate anyways.
Don't sign up for many long term commitments. The fewer the better and the more focus I can put into my real life as it comes.
Don't intentionally hurt people or lie and when I fuck up here, own it immediately, apologize, clarify a new action for the future, and do it.
Don't buy too many clothes. I'll end up decluttering them when I move to a new climate anyways.
Don't sign up for many long term commitments. The fewer the better and the more focus I can put into my real life as it comes.
Don't intentionally hurt people or lie and when I fuck up here, own it immediately, apologize, clarify a new action for the future, and do it.