"swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Simple living, extreme early retirement, being wealthy, ...
5ts
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by 5ts »

Stahlmann, we seem to walk a similar path, so know this is all coming from the heart and I want to help.

Abandon all pseudo-philosophies which remove the burden from you and puts the blame on society. It's not helpful, probably harmful. If you don't fit into society and you want to fit into society, which I think is generally a good idea, then you have to adapt yourself to society. We can't expect society to adapt to us. It's impossible.

You have good attributes. Recognize them and highlight them. You have bad attributes. Recognize them and minimize them. Don't be fake. It's obvious and will only create more distance between you and others. I personally fell into the "nice guy" syndrome, friend-zoned out the wazoo. It's pathetic and no one likes a "nice guy". That was my fault. Also people told me I am generally awkward in conversation. Yes, I can see that. That's my fault. The only logical response is to have more conversations and see what works and what doesn't. You can tell when people aren't engaged or are weirded out. Take note and figure it out for next time.

Put yourself in social situations. It's the only way to improve. It's difficult but this is the crux of the issue.

You can only control yourself. You can't control society. If you put in the work for yourself then people can and will like you.

jacob
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by jacob »

chenda wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 3:49 pm
@Jacob - That's an interesting way of looking at it, did you borrow it from non-dualism ?
No. From this ... viewtopic.php?p=169390#p169390

steveo73
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by steveo73 »

5ts wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 3:58 pm
Abandon all pseudo-philosophies which remove the burden from you and puts the blame on society. It's not helpful, probably harmful. If you don't fit into society and you want to fit into society, which I think is generally a good idea, then you have to adapt yourself to society. We can't expect society to adapt to us. It's impossible.
....
Put yourself in social situations. It's the only way to improve. It's difficult but this is the crux of the issue.

You can only control yourself. You can't control society. If you put in the work for yourself then people can and will like you.
Great points.

My take on relationships is that it's really always about you. You have to remain independent but also work together as a couple. I had marital problems years ago and read a lot of Schnarch and Gottman. Schnarch would call this differentiation. You definitely do not become an "us". You can though connect with someone whilst retaining your sense of self.

5ts
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by 5ts »

I agree, becoming a truly melded "us" seems like a great way to get yourself trampled in a relationship. I would say the person who takes advantage of such a situation isn't even being selfish since the "us" becomes him/herself. Cooperate maximally but don't capitulate unconditionally.

jacob
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by jacob »

Quicksand ... stage 3 goes beyond the transactional turf game. You're not gonna lose yourself...

Add: To be constructive (two corners?), realize that advice is now being given at multiple levels here. The productive kind of advice is always +1 level beyond. +2 beyond will always seem like woo-woo. There are still no short cuts! The appropriate step here (OP) remains to figure out how to make human connections and learn and build from that. Reserve the "us"-stage for when sufficient "me/you" experience has been acquired to build something constructive on that. Right now, you should focus on the "you"-stage. Realize that focusing on "you" or "us" instead of "me" is not the end of the journey. Turtles all the way down. You've so far looked for turtles to stand on. Now change focus and look for turtles to stand on you. Giving instead of taking. Once there's some experience in both roles, you can do more, like making That's the next step.

5ts
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by 5ts »

By the way, working on yourself does not mean changing yourself to what you think will make others like you. It's presenting the best version of yourself, because why wouldn't you and others deserve the best version of yourself. Not striving to be the best version of yourself makes you miserable. Trust me I know. Keyword is striving, because I am not the best version of myself but I am always striving to be better. So much room to grow!

steveo73
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by steveo73 »

5ts wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 7:04 pm
By the way, working on yourself does not mean changing yourself to what you think will make others like you. It's presenting the best version of yourself, because why wouldn't you and others deserve the best version of yourself. Not striving to be the best version of yourself makes you miserable. Trust me I know. Keyword is striving, because I am not the best version of myself but I am always striving to be better. So much room to grow!
I have a passionate dislike for the idea of improving yourself to your version of what you think other people will like especially women. How sad is it that some men are obsessed with trying to impress women just to get laid.

Firstly who says that what you think women want is what they actually want. Secondly what if you don't even like the person that you are striving to become.

Now working on yourself is to me an on-going component of living a good life. It's just that if you are heading in the wrong direction it's a shitty way to live.

Toska2
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by Toska2 »

Relax.
What you are describing is like snowshoeing up and down a ski hill. Act as if you were snowboarding. Glide over the imperfections (of others, yourself and locations). Most relationships dont last years, enjoy the moments that do. Make new ones. Lose some or all. Do it again.

I chuckle a bit when people say "assimilate" to the regional society. I'd rather hang myself.

jacob
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Re: "swallowing" ​b​lackpill, overcoming it; moving forward; pseudoscience and woo-woo stuff

Post by jacob »

jacob wrote:
Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:11 pm
Bingo! I once wrote a long "relationship"-post that I still fail to find ...
Here it is: viewtopic.php?p=177670#p177670


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