Thought I'd ask some advice.

[Sabaka]

Hi everyone!

Sabaka here. Some of you might have read my other posts in my journal. I've decided to put this post here because it does not really 'fit in' with my journal as such.

Basically, I need some life advice. I don't currently enjoy my life. I don't like my job (and I've only been there 4 months! ) and I don't like what my life is outside of work. I have no friendship group and I've never had a girlfriend. Essentially, all is not good, and I've been experiencing bouts of 'depression' (I don't like self-diagnosis ) for the last 5 years.

Due to this, I've been thinking about making a large change. Move abroad, go to a different city, join the military, new career, along these lines.

The reason I feel I need a large change (rather than just small individual changes) is because I've tried the little changes, and nothing has changed. I think the most important thing has to be a change of location, in order to force me to adopt a new life.

The most appealing option to me is to wait until I get to £50k net worth (currently on track to reach by end of 2019) and then move abroad to Russia to teach English. Of course, I wouldn't be able to save whilst there, but I feel at 21 yo and with £50k in NW, a few years not saving would not be a long-term catastrophic thing.

Anyways, I'm posting here because I believe the forum members to be intelligent people, roughly like me and therefore their advice will be helpful.

Cheers.

[chenda]

I think teaching abroad is a great idea, especially if you can earn so you don't deplete your savings.

Have you seen Simon Reeve's travel-documentaries ? They're all on the iPlayer he did a great series on Russia. I would be tempted to go to Russia's far East so you can visit China and Japan, it's apparently quite surreal crossing the border between Europe and China.

[Dream of Freedom]

The Russia trip sounds fun, but part of what you stated as problems are your lack of connections with other people. Unless you have roots there going to another country where you would have challenges communicating may only serve to isolate you further.

It does sound like you need to make some changes, but I don't know what they should be.

Something to consider with depression is that yes your environment plays a role but it often comes packaged with repetitive thoughts and biochemical issues in the brain. So focusing on only your surroundings may not give you the relief you believe it will. Consider learning about cognitive behavioral therapy. It is something you can do yourself and there are many books on it. Also consider seeing a psychologist. There is no shame in it.

[Seppia]

If you plan on a move to help you be more cheerful, I would avoid Russia in favor of a happier and more firndly country.
Why not Spain if you want to stay in Europe?
Spanish people are very warm and welcoming, the weather is fantastic and the need English teaching badly, even worse than us Italians

[frihet]

I agree with Seppia that if you need to cheer up I would avoid Russia, actually all northern countries where the lack in sunshine for half of the year not exactly makes us cheerful, nor easy to befriend. Have you thought about Australia? New Zeeland? I know there used to be a work abroad program for people under 30.

https://www.gostudy.com.au/australia-vi ... 5c3b1-2cd9

[slowtraveler]

You could still save if you're frugal.

Teachers in Thailand tend to make 30k baht per month, you'll need a degree but you probably have one already. That's enough to still save a good amount. I'd go somewhere more happy than Russia too, I think Moscow is one of the few places I dont remember anybody smiling. Spain could be a good choice. Tropics tend to be happier from my experience. Mexico, Thailand, Colombia, Philippines, anywhere would likely be a step up since the challenge and change of atmosphere would stimulate your mind so much. Plus, you'll get more experience dating in one of these countries than Russia. Expats can be easy to get along with and sometimes, you'll make a great connection and then you'll have a friend to meet up with for adventures or just ask for wisdom at times.

After trying many things moving to Thailand is what helped me get sober more than anything. My mind is clearer and I feel much, much happier.

[IlliniDave]

My own personal motto is: happiness comes from within, fun is something we extract from the world outside ourselves. When you are happy almost anything (within reason) can be fun. When you're unhappy, seeking fun is often an empty pursuit and in the extreme can lead to self-destructive behavior. When it comes to relocating, in general I see that as a neutral. The more important thing is whether what you'll be doing aligns reasonably well with what makes you tick, so to speak. It sounds like you might not have a good grasp on what that is yet. At your age that isn't unusual.

A change in scenery/occupation might be a great boon to you. It's also likely that it's not a complete solution. In parallel with contemplating changes in externals, it might be a good idea to look within and think about/experiment with changes you could enact to maximize happiness/satisfaction independent of relationships and your job/occupation, at least insofar as it is possible. With a stronger internal foundation you'll probably have a better basis for making meaningful friendships, and you might find your job, even if it is not a source of great personal satisfaction, to at least be a non-negative. In the time before you travel if you choose to do so, think through what you want to do, see, and experience. Make a plan, at least a loose one. If there's some items you can try prior to traveling, do so. Each time reflect on the outcome. Make note of whether or not they contribute positively. Use what you learn to hone the plan. What you'll really be learning about is yourself. One of the bigger mistakes many people make is operating with the belief that they have to wait until some external condition is met before they can "be happy".

[Sabaka]

@chenda Yeah, I liked those documentaries. He done some on Greece also which were very good. Saint Petersburg is what draws me in the most, such a beautiful city.

@Dream of Freedom That's one of my main worries actually. That I'd make some big change and end up even more unhappy than before. I hadn't considered looking at non-enviromental causes also, so thanks for the suggestion

@Seppia Haha, I think Italy > Spain for me actually, can't beat that Italian cuisine! The reason Russia is the most appealing destination is because I have a natural interest in the country, and I have been learning the language for 2 years, so I wouldn't be completely on my own

@frihet Yeah, those types of things somewhat appeal, there's just something about Russia though

@slowtraveler Unfortunately, no degree, haha. A good point regarding the other countries though, people in hotter countries do tend to be a little happier. You're right too about traveller types being easier to connect with, so that's something to bear in mind.

@IliniDave Really cool post, thanks man. You're right regarding the internal being more important than the external. It's hard to know how to affect the internal though, which is what is probably making the external changes look more appealing to me

You're right also in that I have no idea what makes me tik. In essence, the times where I am most happy are usually where my mind is focused on some single goal. Those brief moments where you are lifting a weight, listening to great music, etc, and your entire mind is occupied with that one thing.

Thanks for all the advice guys, much appreciated. A lot to think about, although if work gets any worse it might force my hand

[Cheepnis]

I think a change of scenery won't be a solution in and of itself as much as it would be a catalyst for other big life changes that could lead to a solution.

A big move will disrupt your life temporarily. Your habits and routine will be in flux which will make it easier to adopt other positive lifestyle changes. However, if you don't stay on top of the personal changes that need to go hand in hand with a big move I think you'll find yourself right back where you started.

This is my voice of experience talking because I've tried exactly what your describing and was disappointed when it didn't work. It's like someone who claims they would bake more "if only they had a kitchen aid stand mixer" (or other gadget of choice). They'll probably bake more while they're still riding the "new shiny object" high, but after hedonic adaptation settles in the amount they bake will likely fall back to where it started. A stand mixer can be a powerful tool in a baker's toolkit, but if they were actually interested in baking they'd be baking without one.

[IlliniDave]

@IliniDave Really cool post, thanks man. You're right regarding the internal being more important than the external. It's hard to know how to affect the internal though, which is what is probably making the external changes look more appealing to me

You're right also in that I have no idea what makes me tik. In essence, the times where I am most happy are usually where my mind is focused on some single goal. Those brief moments where you are lifting a weight, listening to great music, etc, and your entire mind is occupied with that one thing.

Regarding what I italicized: that's a very important observation. It took until my mid-40s before I had the same epiphany. Led me to to some exploring of Zen practice and writing. Taught me what should have been self-evident long before: the achieving is really all the doing that went on before, and being fully immersed in the doing (aka mindfulness) is where the happy place is for at least a subset of us.

[sky]

This guy is pretty helpful:

https://youtu.be/CKeiwlAppxA

I would do some research and go where you can make good money and get to FI sooner.

[platypus]

I have no friendship group and I've never had a girlfriend.

I'm guessing you're naturally introverted, like me. If that's the case, friends/girlfriends won't just fall into your lap; it's going to take some work. If you really want to make friends, don't spend any free time at home. Go places - the coffee shop, the gym, the park -anywhere but alone in your house- and talk to people. If you're really shy, you can start by just asking people the time.

You mentioned the military, which, if you want to make friends is a really solid option. It might be a bit of an extreme option, but you automatically get a bunch of new friends at every unit unless you really suck as a person. Choose an intellectually challenging rating/MOS that you can find if you want these friends to be smart people. I'm an enlisted guy; I'm happy to answer any questions you've got about military life.

The other thing that may help you with your mood is lifting weights. Or any activity where you can see progress; carpentry, learning a musical instrument, etc. Lifting is especially good since it gets you some exercise and makes finding a girlfriend quite a bit easier. But any activity where you can clearly measure progress is great for staying sane.

[slsdly]

For making friends/relationships, I recommend finding clubs that interest you, and if none appeal to you, cultivate new interests. Friendships are not magic. They are built with repetitive contact. Making them in school is easiest for that reason. As an adult, you need to find new venues. The great thing about clubs is that most people want to be there, and so their attendance will be somewhat predictable. You will build up familiarity with them over time, at a pace you are comfortable with. As well, clubs often organize ancillary social events, try to welcome/integrate new members. I joined a cross country ski club for that purpose; we spend a lot of time of coach buses getting to the trails, which is a great chance to chat with others, and everybody is always in a great mood because of the endorphins. My go to strategy to upgrade such a hobby friend to general purpose friend is to over them over for dinner and board games. Most people don't want to do the work of social organizing, so if you put in the effort, I find they will appear of their own accord.

[Black and white cat]

Hello Sabaka,

I wonder if it might be helpful to do something structured for a short period of time this summer that could give you some experience of working with people learning English?

There is an organisation called Angloville that you might like to look into. I haven't volunteered with them myself but- as a former EFL teacher- I have heard that they have a good reputation. Basically, they offer accommodation in a nice hotel, all food/ drink and activities in return for you having conversations with those learning English, who you live alongside for a period of 1 week usually. I think the only things you'd be required to pay for yourself are flights to the nearest city and insurance. The options are Czech Republic, Poland, Hungary, Romania, Ireland and UK. Here is the website:

https://angloville.com/

You'd live alongside people from all over the place for the week so I think you'd get to know other people quite easily.

[classical_Liberal]

I think a change of scenery won't be a solution in and of itself as much as it would be a catalyst for other big life changes that could lead to a solution.

This, in concert with what @I-Dave said is really good advice. The big external change may force you or provide motivation to make other internal changes that will increase your life satisfaction.

I'm not sure what to tell you here, because I believe adventures like the one you're proposing are awesome, particularly when you're young. I also think it very well could help you create the changes you desire. It could also backfire though too, as others have suggested. If you go for it, make damned sure you don't let yourself slip into the patterns you've already identified as net-negatives. Be social, take risks, and be experimental.

Edit: Just so you are aware, specifically with the job thing. Four months is not enough time. Until you have reached the point that you feel like a net contributor (ie competent) at a new task, you may not like it. IMO this means at least a year or two in any new job. Not giving yourself enough time to reach competence is a huge mistake I see many young people making in jobs/careers.

[Jean]

I disagree. If you have no friends and your job suck, it's normal to be depressed. I then agree that the change required to get friends and a better job are internal, and that moving to Russia might help you making those changes. I found expat comminities to be a very depressive environnement. So you probably want to be ready to make russian friends. Do you know how people make friends in Russia? Do you have siblings? Do you get allong well? what about childhood and teenage friends? Spending more time with them might help.

[Sabaka]

Hi guys,

Thanks for all of your advice. It has actually been really good to air some of my thoughts, and to hear the experiences and opinions of others. In any case, I discussed with my boss yesterday my unhappiness in the role, so I'm going to see where that goes.

Cheers again.

[Jean]

Nice to hear that you made a step toward change.