Polyamory Support Group

Simple living, extreme early retirement, being wealthy, ...
EdithKeeler
Posts: 957
Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by EdithKeeler » Fri May 31, 2019 8:33 pm

Can you tell someone "Listen, you seem like a really nice person but I don't want to fuck you in the ass?" I just couldn't deal with any of this. I'm just too high strung. Anyways, good luck
As usual, Jason makes me laugh because he so eloquently states—very creatively—what I’m thinking.

I just found out that an acquaintance is a member of a swingers group, and I stupidly thought he was talking about swing dancing at first.... I used to know a guy who told the story of his one orgy, on a yacht in Europe, and the hashish that was involved (it was the early 70’s). Me—I came of sexual age when AIDS had started making its way into the general population. So I’m still all about double wrapping that thing, but you know, we could just play backgammon instead. One partner is frankly usually more than I can handle well.

I wish you the best—really, I do. It sounds like fun, sort of, but also exhausting.

Jason
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Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sat Jun 01, 2019 6:45 am

Yeah. I was assuming you weren't a group sex kind of gal, Edith.

I knew people who came of age Love American Style and they told me about these events. What was really disturbing (perplexing?) is that it was people they knew. Like people who worked in the same industry. So they could end up at some conference and there'd be all these people they either had sex with or saw having sex. That's just too splitting the atom for me. Supposedly, some people just like to watch. Thats why I brought up the dip. If I'm going to watch something in someone else's house, I want a good dip. That being said, I don't think I'd watch an orgy even if they were serving pigs in a blanket. Although a heaping plate of tasty nachos might be a game changer.

EdithKeeler
Posts: 957
Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by EdithKeeler » Sat Jun 01, 2019 8:03 am

Yeah. I was assuming you weren't a group sex kind of gal, Edith.
Why do debutantes avoid group sex?
SO MANY “thank you” notes to write.

Jason
Posts: 2176
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sat Jun 01, 2019 8:39 am

That does put new meaning into debutante ball.

The guy I knew who went to these things would talk about all the other people who went. He spoke of one guy who acted really weirdly when he was attending and I knew the guy. The thing was that they were songwriters. And I worked for a company that owned their songs and I started looking at the weird orgy guy's songs and I started interpreting them through the lens of a guy who acted strangely at orgies and what were once innocuous, stupid lyrics now had entirely new meanings because I realize they were most likely inspired by his attendance at group sex events. There are plenty of reasons plainly more obvious than this one as to why one should not attend group sex event but this is one of those, unexpected tangential reasons that can also arise.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 4957
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sat Jun 01, 2019 8:19 pm

@Jason:

Maybe you just need to work your way up to it.

Level 1: Watch porn featuring more than 1 person.

Level 2: Watch live interaction through a peep-hole

Level 3: Watch live interaction from the other side of the room.

Level 4: Watch live interaction from chair nearby.

Level 5: Briefly touch whichever participant you find most attractive.

etc. etc. etc.

Remember, it even took Don Draper 6 seasons before he worked his way up to it, and I have confidence in you!

Jason
Posts: 2176
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sun Jun 02, 2019 7:27 am

Maybe you can accelerate my progress by strapping me to a chair, drugging me, clamping my eyes open and playing Beethoven throughout the process.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 4957
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Sun Jun 02, 2019 10:28 am

How much you payin' ?

Jason
Posts: 2176
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sun Jun 02, 2019 11:24 am

A Clockwork Orange DVD, a bottle of visine and a bag of flower seeds. I'm guessing that's a DVD and a bottle of visine more than you usually get.

Kriegsspiel
Posts: 874
Joined: Fri Aug 03, 2012 9:05 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Kriegsspiel » Sun Jun 02, 2019 9:28 pm

7 sounds like she has experience with Cockwork Pornage.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 4957
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Jun 04, 2019 5:06 am

Nah, not my style, although I have very much enjoyed the work of Anthony Burgess.

I was just thinking about how millions of people likely enjoyed watching the scene from "Mad Men" in which Donald Draper is invited into threesome by his beautiful second wife and her beautiful friend. So, each of those million individuals is in role of virtual voyeuristic 4th participant in a group sex encounter while watching, but there are layers or boundaries, especially the 4th wall, that render this experience as generally socially acceptable within the current milieu, whereas actual active participation in such a scene still seems quite outre.

Also, watching this scene from "Mad Men" is not like, for example, watching a scene in which a human ingests recently regurgitated owl pellets.

NPV
Posts: 183
Joined: Fri Dec 06, 2013 9:41 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by NPV » Sun Jun 09, 2019 7:17 am

I thought this article on solo polyamory was insightful: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... ingle-poly
I was not familiar with the concept of solo poly before and it describes me so well.

llorona
Posts: 386
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:44 pm
Location: SF Bay Area

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona » Wed Jul 17, 2019 5:59 pm

How are everyone's relationships/love affairs going?

The week after I cleaned out my harem, I met someone who was also kinky, poly (well, a relationship anarchist), and in an open marriage. Crackling chemistry and connection. (Warning sign!) For a couple months, we had a great time dating, going to kink play parties, and having sleepovers. Problem was, it was fun on the surface, but despite my best efforts to practice detachment, he made me crazy. He sent mixed signals and I could never get a straight answer. I spent way too much time thinking about the relationship (I still do!) and I started feeling very hesitant to put my neck out there to communicate openly and honestly. Finally, push came to shove and I ended it a couple weeks ago, mostly to get away from the anxiety.

Since then, I've been reading about attachment theory. My style is anxious/preoccupied/co-dependent, while his is avoidant. We fell right into a classic trap. He is like crack cocaine to my system, and drugs never did anyone much good. Withdrawal is a bitch, but I've managed to stay strong so far.

At the moment, I have three warm-casual lovers. These relationships are light, affectionate, and drama-free. Eventually I'd like to find a more emotionally connected/intimate relationship, but I'm not in a rush. It would be in my best interest to get to know someone well before putting my heart on the line again. If it happens. In the meantime, I'm attending local poly events to connect on a platonic level with those who understand the lifestyle. I've also signed up for a couple shibari classes because tying rope makes me happy. :D

Toska2
Posts: 265
Joined: Fri Nov 20, 2015 8:51 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Toska2 » Wed Jul 17, 2019 10:18 pm

On a 14 year dry spell, with no one in sight.

Soon to put myself in an unavailable positition, joining a union that requires travel.

BookLoverL
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:17 pm
Location: England

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by BookLoverL » Thu Jul 18, 2019 2:16 am

I had the issue with anxious/avoidant attachment styles with my ex, except I was the avoidant one and he was the anxious one. xD

I'm 100% single again at the moment, though I did sign up for a dating site. I've never actually had the opportunity to practise polyamory, but I think I'm definitely interested in it as a relationship style. I naturally have a pretty low desire for partnered sex (we're talking once a month maximum, and only that much if I feel completely comfortable and non-pressured), and I don't think I'm given to jealousy, so it seems like it'd be a great way to experience the benefits of a relationship without worrying that I'm boxing a higher-sex-drive partner into a life of dissatisfaction.

Actually, that was one of the things that went wrong with my ex. He had a significantly higher libido than me, and we were in a long-distance relationship, and it felt like every time we met up he was asking for sex - it felt like he no longer valued me for any of the things we'd enjoyed doing as friends before we were dating, and that the rest of the activities were just a prelude to him wanting sex. I actually suggested several times we could try an open relationship, so he could fulfil his clear high desire for sex elsewhere, but he said he only wanted sex if he had the emotional connection, and he wasn't exactly putting in the time with any other woman to get an emotional connection with anyone else any time soon. So for that and several other factors, I eventually broke up with him. xD But I definitely think polyamory could work better in the future, if I can find someone to try it.

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Jul 18, 2019 9:47 am

@llorona: Pretty weak at the moment, primary reason being because I am too fat to date. However, I have already lost 1/3 of my goal, because I don't want to be too fat to date. I do wish I could break out of this self-aware sensualist rut of only being able to pass the literal marshmallow test by offering myself reward of hawt sex, but it seems unlikely that I shall achieve higher perspective in this lifetime. My ex-husband could be a total sh*thead at times, but he was also frequently quite amusing. When I was struggling to lose the pudge I put on during my second pregnancy, he offered motivational suggestion of "If you lose the weight, I will be better able to throw you around in bed." In a way, this led to the downfall of our marriage, because I became quite hurt and angry after I did manage to lose the weight, but promise of increased tossing about was not fulfilled. I think my reaction was in part due to the fact that I had a very reliable father who always did take me to the circus if I did clean my room. Fortunately, my perspective on adult peer relationships has matured towards greatly lowered expectations (not to be confused with standards) since that juncture.

BTW: I am also a fan of shibari, but not on the knot-tying end. For better or worse, someday when my great-grandchildren are digging through the Neo-Smithsonian files of the archaic internet in search of genealogical information, they may find a photo of me at the age of 43 documenting my interest. It is not always easy being ENTP (sigh.)
BookLoverL wrote:I naturally have a pretty low desire for partnered sex (we're talking once a month maximum, and only that much if I feel completely comfortable and non-pressured), and I don't think I'm given to jealousy, so it seems like it'd be a great way to experience the benefits of a relationship without worrying that I'm boxing a higher-sex-drive partner into a life of dissatisfaction.
Very self-aware and mature perspective for someone your age. However, I would note ( based on experience having once been part of a long-term therapy group for couples with this problem), that you may find that your level of desire may vary over time and with different partners. Also, although the sexual aspect of polyamory may not tend towards pushing your buttons, the fact that your partner(s) may share other intimate interactions which you do value with other partner(s) may prove problematic. For instance, if your partner made his other partner special salads and called her "snookums" or bought a puppy with her or took her on a trip to Italy.

prognastat
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by prognastat » Thu Jul 18, 2019 11:56 am

Hm, interesting the attachment theory stuff. Even without knowing about the theory before you mentioned it it's definitely something that I got an inking of in my previous relationship. My ex and I would definitely have been a combination of anxious(her) and avoidant(me). It definitely was trouble and something I had never given a thought to when getting in to a relationship as an inexperienced teenager.
Last edited by prognastat on Thu Jul 18, 2019 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BookLoverL
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Apr 09, 2019 4:17 pm
Location: England

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by BookLoverL » Thu Jul 18, 2019 12:44 pm

It's apparently pretty common for anxious and avoidant types to start dating each other, because the initial meeting can satisfy various things both types think they want. But then later into the relationship, the anxious type clings and needs high levels of contact/reassurance, and the avoidant type panics and/or feels crowded and tries to make more space, and each of these reactions only make the other person's reaction stronger ("They're moving away! Better try hard to keep them close!" -> "No, that's too close, can't they tell I need time by myself! Ugh!", repeat on cycle), which, well, causes obvious friction in the relationship. At least, I think that's how the theory works. There is also a secure type, that is basically the type most likely to end up in a healthy relationship.

llorona
Posts: 386
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:44 pm
Location: SF Bay Area

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona » Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:18 pm

According to a book on attachment theory ("Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment"), roughly half of people are securely attached, 20% are anxious, and 25% are avoidant. The remaining 5% are mixed. The authors believe that the dating pool contains a disproportionate number of avoidants because they tend to cycle in and out of relationships, while those with secure attachments are likely to find happy relationships and remain in them because they value closeness. However, the authors approach dating and relationships from a monogamous viewpoint. I wonder what attachment styles look like among people who are polyamorous?

Interesting that you (BookLoverL and prognastat) already picked up on attachment theory and that you lean toward the avoidant end of the spectrum. If we took a poll of folks on the ERE forum, I wonder where everyone would land relative to the general population? In other words, does interest in ERE (which is extreme by definition) attract people with a certain attachment style, or is there no correlation?

On a more general level, my (unproven) theory is that while individual have certain attachment styles, there is fluctuation depending on the alchemy of particular relationships. For instance, my husband is pretty securely attached and I'd say we have a healthy and happy relationship. Same thing in my last relationship. In both of these relationships, my anxiety was pretty low; my love interests were able to comfort me and they were invested in communicating and working through issues. There weren't a lot of highs and lows. By contrast, my last lover was pretty far along the avoidant scale and I was pushed (or voluntarily moved) to a more extreme end of the anxiety end, resulting in volatility.

@7Wannabe5: Are you really too fat to date, or do you just feel that way? If you're not feeling good about yourself, I can completely understand not wanting to put yourself out there. This said, as a woman with curves, having a little extra padding hasn't exactly hurt my game. ;)

I'm sorry your ex-husband did not fulfill his promises after you reached your goal. My reaction likely would have been to find a larger, stronger man to toss me around in bed. :D

Do you believe in reincarnation? If so, perhaps you will come back as a fly on the wall at the precise moment in time when your future descendants find documentary evidence of your interest in rope.

prognastat
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by prognastat » Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:30 pm

It wouldn't be too surprising if the ERE/FIRE community didn't match the general population's distribution. I mean look at the MBTI and the big 5 distribution that have been discussed here and we tend to be way off from the normal distributions. I would venture to guess that there might be some correlation with independence between the two.

Placing a higher value on independence is probably more common among both those that pursue ERE/FIRE and also more common among those with a more avoidant attachment style. So I wouldn't be surprised if the rate would be higher than in the overall population.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 4957
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:08 am

llorona wrote: Are you really too fat to date, or do you just feel that way?
I am not too fat to get a date. I feel like I am too fat to enjoy dating. Also, it is possible that I am somewhat BTDT on dating, and I am currently living with The Cowboy. Our relationship contract does not preclude dating others, but since it does provide me with many relationship benefits, it raises the bar on the motivational energy to get out there. Actually, now that I think about it, since I am not The Cowboy's type even on a very good day, one of my primary motivations to date somebody else would be simple physical chemistry, so feeling very good about meeting my own standards for my particular flavor of appeal is relatively more important than it would be in a total relationship vacuum.
I'm sorry your ex-husband did not fulfill his promises after you reached your goal. My reaction likely would have been to find a larger, stronger man to toss me around in bed. :D
Yup, that's pretty much what I did after my divorce. My first online dating profile started out with something like "What I seek in a man are the three "I"s; Intelligence, Initiative, and b-I-ceps (oops, doesn't start with an I. )" I wasn't giving full consideration to how literal men can be when I wrote this profile, so I was surprised and amused by how often my dates would roll up their sleeves and give their guns a flex during the course of a first coffee meet and greet. So, that was a fun time of my life, but now I am another 12 years older, and one more failed "marriage" down the road, and lately my soul seems more inclined to bounce between 9 and 89, only rarely landing on 19 which IMO is the ideal soul state for being open to dating and all of its possibilities.
If so, perhaps you will come back as a fly on the wall at the precise moment in time when your future descendants find documentary evidence of your interest in rope.
Yeah, on the bright side I imagine some great-great-granddaughter who is feeling stuck in some bad sunk-cost situation due to feelings such as shame, guilt, or social obligation and she happens upon this picture of me, and it's kind of like I am granting her permission from my grave to be free and do as she pleases.

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