Polyamory Support Group

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7Wannabe5
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:42 pm

@Jin+Guice:

As a female eNTP, I have a lot of masculine energy, but it is more juvenile than mature. My internal masculine functioning is about at the level of a rebel punk kid who suffers from premature ejaculation. However, this is not immediately apparent, because my external adult feminine energy is more like youngish Mrs. Santa Claus.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:12 am

Random musings after reading "The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory" by Dedeker Winston.

If you are in a bit of distress, and you are looking for support as a female practitioner of overt polyamory, this is your go to book. I found the author's take on the evolution of modern practice of polyamory from late 20th century feminism (think Riot Grrrrl) very much in alignment with my own. In particular, I was struck by her mention of "On Our Backs" , which was a very sex-positive lesbian erotica magazine; the title meant to be a response to the publication "Off Our Backs" which was created by anti-porn feminists. In the 80s and 90s, although I was married with young children, I was familiar with this magazine and many related works. So, the evolution towards modern polyamory goes something like mid-century-prudish-feminism/late-20th-century-sex-positive-feminism/integration-of-feminism-and-sex-positivity-with-more-complex-relationships-as-Riot-Grrrl-generation matures and some aspects of this culture filter down towards Millennial generation (the author is a Millennial.)

The author also compiles a very attractive collection of famous women in history who practiced polyamory, including Virginia Woolf, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and Elizabeth Holloway Marston (married to creator of Wonder Woman character.) Her discussion of history of free love communities is interesting, because she notes that they all failed when control became too rigid. I was aware that polyamory was practiced by some Native American tribes, and some interesting examples, such as tradition of wife of older brother initiating younger brother into sexuality, are offered.

Although the author does not mention systems theory or permaculture, I found myself once again noting how much the practice and philosophy of polyamory are in alignment with these concepts. For simple instance, very obvious analogy can be made between what polyamorists refer to as "old relationship energy" vs. "new relationship energy" and the process of creative destruction in a climax forest. A climax forest is mature and robust, but actually contains less bio-mass per acre than an environment that is intelligently managed in alignment with creative destruction in order to allow for more bio-mass due to greater variety of species exposure to the energy from the sun. I think this is why the author and I, although VERY cognizant of MANY difficulties, can't now not think in terms of monogamy being a choice within polyamory. To me it seems like the same reason why I can't not think in terms of permaculture.

Clarice
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Clarice » Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:28 pm

@7wb5:
Thank you! Though I am not going to practice "overt polyamory" any time soon I find your review interesting. I found your another recommendation - Passionate Marriage - very helpful. I feel that the title does not do justice to this great analysis of the dynamics of any long-term committed relationship. My main conclusion has been that love in long term relationship is, like loans in the bank, given only to people who don't really need it.

Jason
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:22 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:12 am

The author also compiles a very attractive collection of famous women in history who practiced polyamory, including Elizabeth Holloway Marston (married to creator of Wonder Woman character.)
Now I'm thinking the passenger seats folded completely down in her invisible plane.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:09 am

@Clarice:

"Passionate Marriage" is a great book. I was part of a group that studied and tried to put into practice the principles Schnarch discusses. One of the reasons I drifted into also studying sexual dichotomy theory was that Schnarch's suggestion of putting your partner into "the crucible" by offering two choice dilemma seemed to work much better for the men in my group. C40 offered a great example of how to frame a 2 choice dilemma in reference to renegotiating contract from full-time to part-time work. Something like "Full time isn't working for me anymore. So, that is no longer an option. Would you guys be open to part-time moving forward?" Schnarch suggested something like telling your partner "Sexless marriage isn't working for me anymore. So, I will be going out Friday to the bar on the corner in search of a sex partner. If you would like for that partner to be you, that would be great."

Difficult to untangle nature from nurture, but most of the women who were married to men with lower sexual desire, had less difficulty with forcing the issue than the "nice" guys with similar situations, but also less/desire and overall motivation to keep forcing the issue. IOW, beyond complicating matters such as kids, money, and religion, very few women are wiling to keep striking confident, dominant posture, taking the lead, and initiating sexual interactions in order to maintain relationship with current partner, because it is quite easy for females to find other partners with whom this amount of effort is not necessary. OTOH, most men have to either naturally assume or self-aware learn and practice this skill set in order to get the sex they want, whether they are in long-term relationship OR out at the bar on a Friday night.

I was actually one of the toughest cookies in my group, because my ex kept coming up with terrible comments like "I have seen your breasts too often, so they are boring to me." or "You just got back from the gym, and you stink" or "We just watched such a sad movie, how can you possibly be in the mood for sex?" etc.etc. , but I just kept coming back out of my corner every two weeks or so. In retrospect, it was a very worthwhile exercise even though we eventually ended up divorced anyways. Also, I found dating a delightful experience after a couple years of dealing with that sort of behavior. :lol:

Another interesting universal result of this form of therapy was that every lower drive/desire partner, of either gender, was very surprised when their partner finally did leave (or have an affair) , even after years of clear communication about the problem. So, in this realm, it is pretty clear that actions speak much louder than words. Also, there seems to be a pretty universal subconscious tendency to believe that if you don't currently find somebody sexually attractive then other people don't either and vice-versa. That is why new relationship energy with fresh partner tends towards also revitalizing sexuality with old partner(s.) Very self-aware/kinky polyamorous folk purposefully seek out this kind of energy; they transform jealousy/competition into arousal in a manner very directly literally-in-the-brain-core analogous to how masochists transform pain into pleasure, or how "normal" people get pleasure from pushing themselves to the edge in a sports situation.

Of course, within vanilla monogamous contract, this can to some extent be achieved through non-sexual means, such as light flirtation with others, getting a new haircut, or picking up your old guitar and joining a band. Best case scenario, both partners would self-aware choose to engage in the sort of activities together that would tend also tend towards this sort of sexual revitalization; for instance, anything resembling attempting sex on a wobbly bridge over white-water rapids (maximize risk and excitement externally/contextually) combined with trying to keep your eyes open and locked on each other through orgasm (maximize intimacy or emotional engagement- which is really just another form of risk.) As Schnarch makes very clear, one of the primary reasons long-term relationships tend towards becoming sex-dead is that the ever-increasing level of investment lowers the tendency to do anything that would put the relationship at risk, including coming out of the box with something novel and sexually exciting. It can be easier to tell the human you just picked up in a bar about your Captain America underpants fantasy than your spouse of 20 years.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:22 am

Jason wrote:Now I'm thinking the passenger seats folded completely down in her invisible plane.
Another interesting note from the book, which I have also found to be true, was that polyamory is also an attractive practice for people who are self-aware not very interested in sexual-interaction, because it gives them more opportunities for partners without causing conflict. For instance, if I was required to be monogamous, I would not choose to be in relationship with somebody who wants a cuddle-partner every night, but only wants sex once a month, but if I am practicing polyamory, all other aspects being net attractive, that individual could work as one of my partners. There is some level of correlation between sex drive and drive in other realms, so not that uncommon for attractive people with inherently low sex drives to like having partners who are driven towards success in other realms. One of the common "opposites attract and then attack" dichotomies which can be transcended by being open to other relationship options.

Jason
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:41 am

I think I understand. Although, a float chart with the other members of The Justice League would probably go a long way.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 7:59 am

@Jason:

lol- I didn't realize I did that. Something very much like the Captain America underpants example was actually offered in Schnarch's book, because it was just ridiculous enough to make the point. The mention of Wonder Woman in "The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory" was coincidental. Or was it? Obviously, significant overlap between super-heroes and Jungian archetypes.

Jason
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:05 am

I have no idea about this stuff. But thanks to your post, I now know who Olive Byrne is.

Jin+Guice
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Wed Apr 17, 2019 8:40 am

This shit is fucking fascinating. What a rare delight to uncover a subject that I've been interacting with my whole life that I know so little about and am so bad at.

I'm reading "Opening Up," an excellent recommendation. I'm also reading "Beating the Street," Peter Lynch's book about his Magellan fund simultaneously. So far the parallels I'm seeing between investing and relationship books are 1) terrible covers and 2) writing in an annoying (in opposite ways) voice. It's a struggle getting through them both without switching to something more enjoyable.

I'm interested in reading Passionate Marriage or The Art of Mackin' next, but woefully the local library possesses neither. Does anyone have a copy of either they are willing to lend me or a pdf?

@7w5: "The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory" sounds like an interesting read, I'll add it to the list.


C40's frame of "Full time isn't working for me anymore. So, that is no longer an option. Would you guys be open to part-time moving forward?" has been very helpful to me as well. It's always useful to remind myself that I have orchestrated my life so that in most important areas I yield a high amount of bargaining power and it's o.k. to use it when I need to.


As far as my own polyamorous endeavors are going, things are progressing slowly but steadily. I've had several difficult conversations with my girlfriend, where I've stated my position as non-negotiable and they have worked very well. Our rules are now well defined and non-restrictive (to me) and she is aware that I am actively looking for other partners. I have a tendency to argue from a standpoint of equality and also to try to trap people with their previous actions, a method which I hope to leave in the past. I successfully argued that this is something that I need that I no longer feel bad about AND that she is in fact reaping benefits as well without touching on the equality of the benefits or bringing up that she has been solely reaping benefits while restricting my ability to do so. These conversations have improved our own sex life as well. I think it's partially just talking about problems both of us were uncomfortable addressing and partially the excitement gained from "new relationship energy" coming from the open relationship. I also moved my studio out of the house and am spending a lot less time at home, which is already benefiting our relationship greatly.

I took y'all's advice to start using dating apps/ sites. Goddamn it, what a time to be alive. I realized that I am a better writer than talker, am bad/ inexperienced at hitting on women in person and also that I don't have time to go out looking for potential partners that often. Additionally, dating apps allow access to a large pool of potential paramours that would otherwise remain unreachable.

I'm a bit disappointed I didn't see through my initial desire to ask someone on a date IRL before switching to dating apps. I realized one thing that's holding me back is some unresolved guilt around being polyamorous, which for some reason I'd feel asking someone out in person but not on a dating app.

For those of you who are experienced with this, when do you disclose to someone that you are dating that you are also seeing someone else? How do you disclose it? Does being polyamorous change the type of partner you pursue/ allow to purse you or is it largely the same as when you were seeking monogamy?

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:18 am

When using dating app's, it's good practice to disclose that you are in an open relationship right in your profile. This way you only bother with women who are ok with it. And some women will be particularly attracted to it.

And, when people you know in real life see your profile, they will see the 'in an open relationship' or part, and are relieved from having to wonder whether you're cheating on your girlfriend. I think in those situations it is actually rude for you not to disclose, because not disclosing will cause the people who know you (and especially your girlfriend) to wonder whether they now have a burden of making her aware of your use of the dating app.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:56 am

Since I intend to start actively dating again at some juncture in the near future, I am also wondering about how to handle dating apps as polyamorous female. If I come right out with it on profile, I am pretty certain I will be bombarded with even more unwanted attention than usual, so I didn't do it last couple times I was looking. OTOH, I don't really want to have difficult conversations at in person coffee dates with men who are looking for monogamous serious. Does revealing polyamorous status at initial private text/messaging conversation level seem like acceptable compromise? One of the reasons I am not feeling overly concerned about being completely forthcoming on profile is that it has been my experience that majority of men pay little attention to anything I write in my profile before contacting me, and significant minority is cocky enough to believe that they can convert me to their druthers even if they recognize that it is in conflict with whatever I wrote. Also, it is kind of confusing to others if you identify as polyamorous if you aren't even at least living with one of your other partners, unless you make effort to get all identity political about it, as in "No, I am not just playing the field, I am polyamorous!"

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:24 am

Jin+Guice wrote:Does being polyamorous change the type of partner you pursue/ allow to purse you or is it largely the same as when you were seeking monogamy?
I would say my overall standard for attractiveness as an individual has stayed pretty much the same, but I am obviously more open to what any given individual has to offer in relationship. Obviously, I am going to stretch myself even a bit further if anything like a 3-some is in play, because attraction has to be mutual-mutual-mutual, which is a good part of the reason 3-somes are difficult to negotiate.

Of interest to you in your search would be the fact, as C40 noted, that as somebody with intention to practice polyamory, I and most likelymost other females with such druthers,would prefer to have at least one other partner who also holds that strong intention. The Cowboy (aka my BF) is more covert bi-sexual than poly, and the Permaculture Manager is more player than poly, so it was nice when I also had a third partner (The Peacemaker)who was overtly Poly. I have decided to return to my previous practice of giving each of my paramours a unique nickname, rather than relationship status title, after reading about the concept of relationship anarchy in "SGGP."

Given the overlap between polyamorous and kink communities, it might also be good to figure out your druthers in that realm. For simplistic instance, would you be interested in "just" being a partner's Spanko? OTOH, how do you feel about a "just" cuddle-buddy? etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
Last edited by 7Wannabe5 on Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:31 am

Yeah. Women have told me that (some? many?) men see "polyamorous" or whatever in their profile and take it to mean (or just hope) that it is a sign they are highly promiscuous. Some women include other words that make it clear they are being intentional about this, want more than just sex, etc.

For example the first Tinder profile text will frequently be interpreted as "oh, she really wants to get railed", whereas the second will cause much more nuanced interpretations and filtering.


"Poly.
I love tacos and cuddling."


------------------

"Happily married, 2 young kids. Queer.

I'm here for connections that lighten me up. Depth, care, energy, touch that isn't particularly casual. I'm very communicative and also very busy. I choose my dates carefully. Free time is precious.

I like loud laughing, art, space, [etc.. etc..]

From you I need: chemistry, tenderness, enthusiasm, open and direct communication"

----------------

I'm sure that you (7W5) have no shortage of words in your profile though.


I'm realizing now that I've never used a term like "poly" in a dating profile, but also I haven't used online dating while in any serious/committed relationships. I have, at times, put in something that's not such a specific label, like having: "looking for new friends, spectacular lovers,....." with that one little s giving some clarification.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:01 am

@C40:

Gotcha. Good examples. I think your one little "s" would definitely be enough for purposes of fair play, but maybe not quite enough to dissuade those who think mission of "rogue reformation" is a functional plan :lol:

For better or worse, it has been my experience that choice in photo upload is far more likely to influence number and type of response than anything I might write, or whatever category I might click as current level of relationship interest. However, I still think it is likely that typing "poly" might have the same effect as the time I made the terrible error of uploading a photo in which I was wearing a bathing suit top. It was like an avalanche of "Hey Sexy..." which I couldn't even sort through for anything reasonable.

I am now thinking that I will come up with a few different very specific profiles in alignment with different druthers, since different sites/apps would also likely apply. Just avoiding general purpose venues like POF might be advisable anyways.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:07 am

@C40: Honesty is probably the best policy, but it's not currently the one I'm using. I'm sure this is a mistake that I will pay for, but my current belief is that a high proportion of people don't know what they want. Since I'm going against the current paradigm, I'm going to lie through omission 2 out of 3 times. I admit that I feel a little sleazy, this is a dick move, it will probably not lead to the healthiest of relationships and I'm not signaling correctly to others who are in the same boat/ seeking something similar. Sometimes when I have a bad enough idea, I just need to see it through.




I'll reiterate my question of what to do about cute girls in coffee shops and friends of friends that I meet at parties. If I ask them out, when is it appropriate/ required that I disclose what I'm actually up to?



@7w5: If you want to proceed with as much honesty as possible, I think disclosure before the first date is appropriate. It also sounds like you want to contract your filter rather than expand it? To me that would suggest that you should disclose it as soon as possible to eliminate candidates.

I can only speak for myself but I think your experience/ assumption about the pictures is correct. I base my initial decision almost entirely on pictures. The rate of rejection is so high that filtering for anything beyond "meets acceptable level of minimal attractiveness" is a waste of time.

Until my own recent venture in polyamory, if a woman told me she was polyamorous I assumed she was hitting on me.

As far as the kink community goes, what's the best way to get involved? I'm currently interested in more vanilla things, but they do seem like natural allies and I don't have much experience exploring the options they may have to offer.


7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Apr 17, 2019 11:01 am
Gotcha. Good examples. I think your one little "s" would definitely be enough for purposes of fair play, but maybe not quite enough to dissuade those who think mission of "rogue reformation" is a functional plan
See, this is something that feels like it's missing from the conversation about disclosure. People rarely state their desires explicitly. People are rarely honest with themselves about their own desires. We generally just accept the defaults and the reasoning behind them and assume that they are the only and best way to do things. While signaling that you are confident and sure in your own desires can be sexy, it will also drastically increase filtering. I don't think trying to change someone who knows what they want will work, but I also know that new ideas can sound a lot more intriguing when they're being introduced by attractive strangers who already have your attention.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Thu Apr 18, 2019 11:56 am

Jin+Guice wrote:
Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:07 am
I'll reiterate my question of what to do about cute girls in coffee shops and friends of friends that I meet at parties. If I ask them out, when is it appropriate/ required that I disclose what I'm actually up to?
Short answer: If the conversation when you meet is fairly short, or even if it is long but the subject doesn't come up naturally, AND the first date is fairly simple like having coffee or a drink (and you are paying), you can wait to tell her during the first date. If during that first date there isn't much chemistry and you don't see much happening, you don't need to tell her. If the first date goes well but you don't tell her, you should tell her before a second date.


Longer answer -- it depends on:
  • The nature of the interactions. Taking her on 'sweetheart' style dates where you get ice cream and are really getting to know her is very different from, say, taking her to make out out behind the coffee shop you just met in 15 minutes ago. Now - a more sexual relationship does not remove your responsibility of honesty and transparency.. it's just.. you know.. different. If the relationship is more purely sexual, most people tend to care less about informing the partner of their relationship status, goals, etc. I've had numerous times that I've discovered a woman I've been sleeping with has a boyfriend. But never once have I discovered any later than BEFORE the initial meeting in person that a woman that I'm more traditionally dating has a boyfriend. (note that all my dating of women in open relationships has occurred from meeting them online, so while that example is not 100% relevant to your question... it is still relevant)
  • What she tells you (or signals, infers, etc.) about what she wants. Obviously, if she tells you that she wants a serious traditional monogamous relationship, you should tell her right then or before escalating your relationship with her any further. Usually real life is more of a grey area. On one end, if you discover that a woman you're starting to date is a church-going traditionally conservative girl for whom "family" is very important (she wants to raise kids), you should tell her sooner rather than later. (Unless you want to sleep with her so bad that you're willing to mislead her or allow her to misinterpret your intentions. You shouldn't do that... but, we all make mistakes and do bad things. I've found that the sex with those traditional/conservative women is usually not that great anyways, so it wouldn't be worth it..... The other end of the scale might be if you meet a woman who lives in a commune and talks about loving without attachment. Chances are it would be less of a problem that you wait a while to tell her about your girlfriend.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:29 am

Jin+Guice wrote: It also sounds like you want to contract your filter rather than expand it? To me that would suggest that you should disclose it as soon as possible to eliminate candidates.
I mostly want to contract my filter to eliminate semi-illiterate idiots who want to "chat." I hate chatting, even with otherwise attractive candidates. I also hate phone dates. I like well-written inquiries followed by straight-forward requests to meet in person. Most men (at least 75%)I meet in person either ask me out on second date or immediately suggest that we continue our conversation over dinner after meet-greet coffee. I usually agree to second date with about 50% of the men who make request, but maybe half of those are borderline cases rather than strong affirmatives. The reason why I agree in the borderline cases is that it has been my experience that many men are much more attractive to me when I experience their behavior on their own turf or setting in which they feel more competent, as opposed to simply making conversation in some coffee shop in my locale. However, very unlikely that I won't make final call on sexual attraction by end of second date.
As far as the kink community goes, what's the best way to get involved? I'm currently interested in more vanilla things, but they do seem like natural allies and I don't have much experience exploring the options they may have to offer.
Fetlife is the facebook of the kink community. Since there is also a very large overlap between the nerd community and the kink community, it is actually one of the best maintained social sites on the internet. You can also find very well organized and updated information about all sorts of kink, swinger, poly and other live meet-ups on this site. However, you should be aware that many of the photos and profiles are more indicative of a participant's fantasy life than reality. Maybe kind of like internet-gaming avatars combined with pinterest collage?
C40 wrote: Taking her on 'sweetheart' style dates where you get ice cream and are really getting to know her is very different from, say, taking her to make out out behind the coffee shop you just met in 15 minutes ago.
In "An Economist Walks into a Brothel", Allison Schrager offers some interesting insight on the desire for GFE (girlfriend experience) escorts:
Another good example of how risk drives demand is the most popular and expensive service, called the Girlfriend Experience, or GFE in brothel-speak. It involves the pleasantries of a typical relationship: kissing, cuddling, talking, going to dinner or the movies. GFE is offered in the illegal market as well, where it also commands a premium over standard sex.

Men pay more for the service because it offer the ultimate risk-free encounter: the illusion of intimacy free from the risk of rejection or the demands of commitment. This explains why the brothel's biggest earners aren't nineteen-year-olds who appear in pornographic magazines, but middle-aged women like Starr who offer comfort and intimacy. The older workers' advanced people skills give them an advantage when it comes to cultivating clients, meeting their needs, and making them feel safe and comfortable. "Most guys are just lonely." one of the women remarked. "Many of them don't even want to have sex."
I find this to also be very true of the casual dating environment with older affluent men, especially since many of them are very commitment* wary after a bad divorce or two.

*Financially-commitment wary more so than emotional-commitment wary, and most older men are more likely than not to want and offer sexual exclusivity if they are not already engaged elsewhere. For better or worse, I have determined that Forever-Girlfriend contract offer is pretty much the worst of all deals for me, so I have to make it very clear that I am not looking for such an offer from the get-go. All the "comfort" and "flexibility" I have to offer represents a good deal of life-energy expenditure, so in non-equity-share-forward situation, I am going to have to demand pretty high upfront exchange/barter/trade rate. IOW, for many or most reasonably attractive women**, old-school-contract marriage OR always actively dating is going to be a better overall economic deal than anything else or in between, for obvious reasons that apply to most markets.

**If primarily offering feminine energy in relationship. If seeking a male partner primarily in his feminine energy mileage will vary significantly. Even-Steven-Egalitarian (if/when it actually exists-generally one partner is actually in the lead-in "egalitarian" relationships this is usually the one who says "We will have an egalitarian relationship!" or oftentimes even just the first person who starts making use of plural pronouns :lol:) , also may vary.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona » Fri Apr 19, 2019 3:20 pm

Jin+Guice wrote:
Thu Apr 18, 2019 10:07 am
As far as the kink community goes, what's the best way to get involved? I'm currently interested in more vanilla things, but they do seem like natural allies and I don't have much experience exploring the options they may have to offer.
You might want to check out an app called Feeld. That's where all the kinky/poly/open minded folks hang out. The app itself is buggy and unstable and there may not be a lot of users in your area, but it's been easier for me to connect with like-minded folks on Feeld than any other dating app.

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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona » Fri Apr 19, 2019 3:37 pm

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Apr 17, 2019 9:56 am
Since I intend to start actively dating again at some juncture in the near future, I am also wondering about how to handle dating apps as polyamorous female. If I come right out with it on profile, I am pretty certain I will be bombarded with even more unwanted attention than usual, so I didn't do it last couple times I was looking. OTOH, I don't really want to have difficult conversations at in person coffee dates with men who are looking for monogamous serious. Does revealing polyamorous status at initial private text/messaging conversation level seem like acceptable compromise? One of the reasons I am not feeling overly concerned about being completely forthcoming on profile is that it has been my experience that majority of men pay little attention to anything I write in my profile before contacting me, and significant minority is cocky enough to believe that they can convert me to their druthers even if they recognize that it is in conflict with whatever I wrote. Also, it is kind of confusing to others if you identify as polyamorous if you aren't even at least living with one of your other partners, unless you make effort to get all identity political about it, as in "No, I am not just playing the field, I am polyamorous!"
Hi WB5! I don't know if this helps, but I've always been very explicit on my dating profiles about being happily married and ethically non-monogamous. If you do the same, the most likely scenario is that tons of guys will swipe right on you (assuming you're using an app like Tinder or Bumble) without even reading what you wrote. Once you match, some will disconnect/self-select out after reading your profile and learning that you're poly/ENM. Some may contact you with crude messages under the assumption that you're loose and will sleep with anything including losers like them - you'll want to report them if they actually cross a line or harass you. A certain subset of men will have selected you specifically because you're poly/open and they are, too - even if it's not stated in their dating profile. The smallest group (in my experience) is single men who think you're hot and don't care that you already have a relationship(s).

The above applies to more mainstream dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. OKCupid and Feeld tend to attract a lot of poly/kinky folks, so you're probably fine announcing your status are on those sites.

My dance card is full, so I'm off dating apps now. Looking forward to hearing about your experience!

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