Polyamory Support Group

Simple living, extreme early retirement, being wealthy, ...
Jin+Guice
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice »

@7w5: The struggle is real.

Jin+Guice
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice »

Went to a swinger club tonight. I'm not sure if my next move is to do enough drugs that I go blind or to spend my entire NW on some sort of multi-year immersive therapy program. There are some things money can't buy, unseeing something is one of them.

reepicheep
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2014 7:45 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by reepicheep »

Voyeurism not your thing, huh?

ertyu
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by ertyu »

.

Jin+Guice
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice »

@reepicheep: It was sort of a sad scene. It was more the extreme discomfort of how weird the vibe was than a problem with anything I visually saw. My GF's description: "Everyone sat there nervously barley making eye contact and not even talking to their partners. Then, one by one, they went upstairs and silently blew each other. It was like some kind of awful ritual that we could never understand."

I guess I expected it to be slightly awkward and maybe have myself or at least my GF be aggressively hit on. I assumed that the people who go to a swingers club would be more experienced with swinging and could kind of initiate us or at least, like, say hello? Instead everyone just sat there looking sad and nervous. Unfortunately, I am not great at getting parties started, especially in night clubs where I feel horribly uncomfortable, so it just ended up being a weird date night with the girlfriend where we quietly talked about how uncomfortable we both were and drank wine and she made fun of how all the chicks poorly attempting to pole dance. The sex room also had a weird nervous unsexy vibe to it. One couple was super into each other and one dude was super into watching them, but man everyone else looked like they wanted to cry.

reepicheep
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2014 7:45 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by reepicheep »

I've never been to a swinger's club on a regular night, just on kink nights, so I don't know how universal what you describe is. Sometimes *I* feel hella awkward, because...party. Loud noise. Dark space. Men hitting on me. Lots of people. But other people at these things seem to interact with each other. Have conversations, play, dance, fuck, watch. Seems much more cohesive than what you experienced.

As I've gotten to know people more, these spaces have become much less uncomfortable for me. It's different going to a club when I know 30 or 40 people in the room and have played with several. But that took time -- I've been going to munches for more than a year, and now I help organize one of them. That gives me a lot of name recognition. Somebody who was pissed at me called me a "community organizer" in slack chat. My typical suggestion to newbies to the kink community (which is not what you're doing, I realize) is to go to a munch. Parties suck if you don't have friends there. If you do, they can be a lot of fun.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 688
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice »

@reepicheep:

Ya, not knowing anyone at any club would probably be awkward for me now that you mention it. A couple who is trying to seduce my gf via a polyamory dating app says they've gone to the swinger club several times and the vibe is extremely different from night to night.

What is a munch? I'm trying to test the waters on BDSM, partially because I think there are more people involved in the BDSM community than the polyamory community and partially out of curiosity.



General polyamory update:

Therapy seems to have been a success. The knew rules are: Dating married/ partnered people is allowed. Dating single people for one night stands or possible unicorn seduction is allowed. Dating single people we've had group sex with by yourself is allowed.

I've gone on two dates since therapy and both have been proceeded by very small fights about waiting too long to tell my gf that dates were confirmed. This is a night and day improvement over what was happening before. No fights after I got back.

I had a bit of a therapy breakthrough. I realized that my communication skills are bad and I was communicating with my gf in a shitty and confrontational way. I would argue fairness, past agreements and past actions. Apparently it's better to argue using your feelings, the other persons (present) feelings (that you discuss in the moment you perceive them to happen), present actions and present agreements. I started using these communication tools, which are not natural and very uncomfortable for me, and my gf instantly understood my perspective better. One of my web-of-goals is to improve my communication and boundary setting skills and this whole process has been extremely enlightening. I started going to solo therapy with a different therapist to work on communication skills, boundaries and my relationship with my parents. I've also been putting more effort into my friend relationships, a lot of which I'd let slide due to living with my gf and lack of time.

I'm also really enjoying dating. A lot of this for me is not having to close off the part of my sexuality where I can flirt with/ look for new sexual partners. Part of that is going on dates, which is something I haven't done a lot of. Man, I am so bad at this! It's like there's some rule book that no one ever shared with me (both my parents are engineers, heh). Thankfully I'm very confident/ comfortable with myself so I'm able to treat a bad date as more of a comical learning experience than a self-defeating tragedy.

llorona
Posts: 394
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:44 pm
Location: SF Bay Area

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona »

@Jin + Guice:

A munch is a gathering where kinky people come together to socialize, usually in a bar, cafe, or restaurant. Sometimes munches are for specific groups or themes -- here in the Bay Area, you can find munches for people of color, LGBT, arts and crafts, shibari/rope, etc. Because these groups are usually held in public locations, folks dress and behave "normally." However, I know of one munch that takes place in a bar where clothed kink-play is allowed. I believe pool tables are even converted into play stations. :lol:

Sounds like you're doing amazing work in therapy! Really enjoyed hearing about how you've gained insight into your own communication patterns and how're changing them to improve your various relationships. It's easy to point fingers at other people, but so much more difficult and humbling to recognize our own role in conflict. Doesn't using these new communication skills feel foreign, like writing with your left hand (if you're right handed?) So awkward and difficult, but the growth that comes from is it hugely rewarding.

Jason
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason »

Jin+Guice wrote:
Sat Dec 28, 2019 2:57 pm
"Everyone sat there nervously barley making eye contact and not even talking to their partners. Then, one by one, they went upstairs and silently blew each other. It was like some kind of awful ritual that we could never understand."
This reads like Elie Wiesel attempting to write porn.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 688
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice »

Love in the Time of Corona:

It's been about a year since I started fully pursuing polyamory. It's been a time of rapid learning and change and, like most periods of rapid learning, extremely turbulent. The biggest change has been internal. I knew next to nothing about emotional life and social interactions. I had a default emotional and social life and empathy for others, but I wasn't seeing most of the social domain and I was unaware of my blind spots.

Socially, I've had the insight that others operate from a different social and emotional framework than me. I don't place a high value on being asked how I'm doing or being thanked (I do value these things more than I thought though), but other people place a very high value on them. It's important to really mean it when you ask bland social questions about other people and really listen to their answers, people can easily tell if you're faking it. If you're not used to doing this, it takes some mental energy and focus, but it slowly becomes habit (it's still hard when I'm tired or stressed). It's also worthwhile to examine how people are different from oneself socially and their relationships with each other. If you're a not extremely person focused nerd like me, this is the really fascinating part. Mapping the interactions and relationships between people, social dynamics and underlying emotions is a very rich world.

Emotionally I've discovered a new world as well. It's one thing to say "people are controlled by emotions," but it's another to understand that. Monitoring my own emotions closely, I realized that I'm in much less control of myself than I thought. I've started paying attention to "energy levels" which I could also call "enthusiasm levels." It's helpful to pay attention to when you're energized/ not energized by something and then try to figure out what the drivers are. It's also challenging. Monitoring others emotions is important too. People are often not reacting to what's in front of them, but to an emotional state caused by something unrelated or a perceived underlying dynamic. Alternatively, they could just hungry, horny or tired. The social and emotional stuff comes much more naturally to a lot of people, but as a nerdy straight dude who was raised by two engineers....

A big help has been therapy. I always thought therapy was for weak losers, but it turns out it's great! Wait, maybe I'm just a weak loser? I'm o.k. with that, thanks therapy. Therapy has helped me with the social and emotional realizations already discussed, but I've also realized that I am terrible with confrontation and boundaries. I've been working really hard to confront people on things in the moment instead of brooding and exploding. CHANGE IS FUCKING HARD.

Enough about the intrapersonal journey... let the soap opera continue! My GF found another dude she likes and now she's done a total 180. She loves being polyamorous and said she wouldn't go back. She still has much less regard for the rules than I do, so most of our fights are now me being mad that she is bending some rule or her being mad that I won't relax a rule. I do still have a lot of resent built up, which has made me resistant to changing rules if I'm even 1% uncomfortable. These "fights" are much more civilized and productive than the screaming matches we were having. She is basically dating this other dude, which has collapsed all of her resentments and fear about me "falling in love with" someone else. I haven't met him yet, but he seems like a cool guy who might also be my gateway to the poly/ orgy scene in New Orleans. We've maintained the rule about only dating other non-monogamous people for now.

I've been having some trouble dating. Currently I'm seeing one infrequent side piece, but I'm having trouble getting other dates. I think I've finally exhausted the dating apps and need to start going to meetups. Coronavirus is not helping this situation! I'm a little jealous that my girlfriend has this new dude who she is excited about. I found someone else I liked about a year go, but I stopped seeing her more or less because my GF was freaking out.

Polyamory/ non-monogamy has really made me rethink relationships. I knew from a young age that I didn't want to get married and recreate the domestic situation I grew up in. I ended up sort of recreating it anyway because it's the default. Dating the same person for 7.5 years and living with the same person for 6 years has been much different than I expected. The extreme romance and passion that causes the initial attraction gives way to a more stable arrangement which is both more enriching and more frustrating than I ever imagined it could be. I think that the disney movie romance we are all sold is extremely misleading in terms of expectations, whether you practice monogamy or non-monogamy and leads to a lot of unhappiness. This narrative shapes the paradigm we view and discuss relationships through.

I've always questioned why I would want to commit my 75 year old self to someone I thought was hot when I was 25. I now see the value of sharing a part of your life with someone, the bond that forms and the value in working through difficult situations. I still don't see the value in unquestioned life-long commitment, but I accept that it works for some people. It's really nice to be able to access the excitement and energy that comes from romantic pursuit and new sexual relationships, while still having the stability, support and insight that comes from longer term companionship. My girlfriend and I have both drastically improved our physical appearance over the past year. It's really nice to have romantic relationships with people you don't have to see everyday, who don't know all of your flaws and who you don't owe a commitment to beyond a pleasant evening. I used to think that I just wanted to sleep around a lot, and while I still do enjoy having anonymous sex with a stranger when the opportunity presents itself, I've learned the real value of both deep committed and "secondary" relationships. Threesomes are pretty tight too.

Jason
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason »

Polyamory during corona? Really? People are jerking off with rubber gloves on and you're thinking about threesomes. Jeebus.

2Birds1Stone
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Location: Earth

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 2Birds1Stone »

Jason wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 2:01 pm
People are jerking off with rubber gloves on and you're thinking about threesomes.
If you use both hands, does that count?

Jason
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason »

I don't know. But I think the CDC is suggesting a face mask if you go that route.

enigmaT120
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Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 2:14 pm
Location: Falls City, OR

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by enigmaT120 »

Face mask is always a good idea.

You guys are so funny, I love it!

Jason
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason »

Along with the elderly and people with serious underlying medical issues, I'm assuming "those jonesing for a threesome" has to be included amongst the demographics hardest hit by the pandemic. And more than the first two groups, I think the latter group will suffer the consequences of this event long after it passes. It will be interesting to see if there will be post-corona baby boom as its hard to account for what people are actually doing during the isolation period. Will maternity wards be overrun with Covid-19 babies in seven to eight months? Will there be a spike in divorces as people realize they can't deal with their spouse under prolonged conditions? Will there be a marriage spike as singles experienced extended loneliness and seek stable relationships. Will orgies require participants to have their temperatures taken before entrance? Will there be a post-Covid19 elation similar to the end of WW II. Time will tell. In any event, J&G is a smart guy and will hopefully come to realize that during these trying times its probably best to sit at home, watch Gilligan Island reruns, and come to the conclusion that Ginger vs. Maryanne was the greatest false dichotomy every perpetrated on the American public.

7Wannabe5
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Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

True story. One of my old lovers wanted me to stop and have coffee with him on the day I put myself into isolation. He was not yet very concerned about the virus. So, I said “No way!” to coffee with a man to whom in previous life, I had said “Why not?” to 3 some. The thing that makes me weird is I actually did the math on the risk both times.

Jason
Posts: 2707
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason »

I admire that. Because if Serena Williams showed up at my door right now, coughing in her catsuit, and said "Now or never, ballboy" I think I'd just call 911 on the way to the bedroom.

enigmaT120
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Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 2:14 pm
Location: Falls City, OR

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by enigmaT120 »

@7Wannabe5 that's not the only thing that makes you weird, it's just one of the more interesting things.

jacob
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Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by jacob »


enigmaT120
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Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 2:14 pm
Location: Falls City, OR

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by enigmaT120 »

Oh Jacob, that wasn't even the Onion my only trusted news source....

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