Polyamory Support Group

Simple living, extreme early retirement, being wealthy, ...
jacob
Site Admin
Posts: 11494
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:38 pm
Location: USA, Zone 5b, Koppen Dfa, Elev. 620ft, Walkscore 73
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by jacob » Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:55 am

llorona wrote:
Thu Jul 18, 2019 3:18 pm
If we took a poll of folks on the ERE forum, I wonder where everyone would land relative to the general population? In other words, does interest in ERE (which is extreme by definition) attract people with a certain attachment style, or is there no correlation?
That is, does the theory or a similar one apply to people's relation[ship] with their job/work? It can feel like that:
http://earlyretirementextreme.com/break ... areer.html

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:33 am

@jacob:

Yeah, the end of a long marriage is kind of like the end of a long career, but it does also vary according to how "good" or "successful" it has been for you. The end of my good career as a rare book dealer felt more like what I imagine being widowed after a good marriage would feel. The empty nest syndrome many experience after good long career of active years parenting is also similar. I think many people also feel similar attachments to place, Wendell Berry comes immediately to mind, or religion/ideology. Or not. For instance, it is entirely possible to be a Professional Baptist.

However, I don't know if this has any real correlation with attachment theory, which is a little too Freudian for my taste. It also kind of baffles me, because I test as "secure" even though I have very low level of attachment to my actual mother. However, it could be the case that either my father or the group of Polish grandmothers who cared for me during the day during much of my infancy stood in her stead. OTOH, I do think humans have the tendency to try to recreate familiar situations for themselves, even if familiar varies a good deal from ideal.

I also agree with llorona's take that attachment style can vary from relationship to relationship. It's even possible to be in avoidant/avoidant or anxious/anxious relationships. It's not as bone-deep as even personality type, and skills such as self-comforting or appropriate placement of personal boundaries can be learned. For simple example, repetitive checking behaviors tend towards increasing feelings of anxiety, so checking your phone every 20 minutes to see if that special someone replied is a behavior that will put your more in anxious attachment mode. Important note here being that conventionally proscribed dating/mating behavior has the tendency towards putting the female in the anxious position unless she is very self-aware.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:01 am

@llorona: Polyamory continues to be a never ending wild ride. My girlfriend started sleeping with other dudes for revenge. About a month ago she matched with one of our mutual friends (who is a woman) on tinder. They've been dating for about a month. She proceeded to break every rule she'd insisted upon about 4 minutes after she found someone she liked, which I was initially annoyed by, but also, now there are less rules. She still says her preference is to call the whole thing off and just got back to monogamy.

Other than my girlfriend's adverse reaction, the biggest problem has been the amount of time dating takes up. I already had a pretty time constricted life prior to dating and going on dates is fucking time consuming. Until about a month ago, each date was followed by an hour long debriefing and then an hour long fight with my girlfriend, though this has gotten a lot better recently.

Dating has started to lose it's novelty after a few months. On the whole I'm still really enjoying it, but I think I might go on less dates. I switched all my dating profiles to say that I'm polyamorous, though 2/3 of them don't explicitly say that I'm seeing someone.

Dating is going really well. Online dating works well for me because I'm bad at/ feel weird about hitting on women "in the wild." I still haven't figured out how to tell some cute bartender I ask on a date that I have a girlfriend. Being able to feel them out through text message and determine what they want and what I want from them is very helpful. I really enjoy a terrible date, as long as it's entertaining.

My girlfriend is really into the idea of dating another couple or single female and going to sex parties/ swingers clubs. I'm o.k. with this, but I'm not super into it, so she's been setting up all the dates. So far we've been on 2 dates with other couples which didn't go very well and a few dates with a single woman. We had a 3some with the single woman, so we'll see where that goes. I still haven't made it to the swinger club or the hipster sex party

I'm still seeing someone I met on the very first date I went on back in April. I see her about once a week for what is essentially a booty call, though we usually hang out and get kind of drunk first.

I don't think I can ever go back to being monogamous, though I'm sure I'll go through periods where I don't feel like putting in the time or effort to go on that many dates.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Jul 31, 2019 11:26 am

jin + guice wrote:I'm still seeing someone I met on the very first date I went on back in April. I see her about once a week for what is essentially a booty call, though we usually hang out and get kind of drunk first.
How do you split the difference between booty call vs. date if your intention is non-monogamy? Accommodations, feelings, or FITB? I would say that any encounter, no matter how brief, with a man who had previously declared his affectionate attachment would not be a booty call. Otherwise, I might draw the line at whether he offers to feed me first, which is either a pretty superficial or deeply primitive divide depending on perspective. However, it seems likely that regular weekly booty call that continued for some length of time would start to feel like something else. I think most players try to vary it up to avoid expectations.

I don't think I have ever called a man to come over to my place just to have sex with me, and that is mostly due to the fact that I am usually too frugal or broke to have my own place, but also due to gender-specific social training.

llorona
Posts: 388
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 11:44 pm
Location: SF Bay Area

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by llorona » Thu Aug 01, 2019 2:06 am

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Jul 31, 2019 11:26 am


How do you split the difference between booty call vs. date if your intention is non-monogamy? Accommodations, feelings, or FITB? I would say that any encounter, no matter how brief, with a man who had previously declared his affectionate attachment would not be a booty call. Otherwise, I might draw the line at whether he offers to feed me first, which is either a pretty superficial or deeply primitive divide depending on perspective. However, it seems likely that regular weekly booty call that continued for some length of time would start to feel like something else. I think most players try to vary it up to avoid expectations.

I don't think I have ever called a man to come over to my place just to have sex with me, and that is mostly due to the fact that I am usually too frugal or broke to have my own place, but also due to gender-specific social training.
You posed these questions to Jin + Guice but I'm going to answer because this is an interesting topic.

As you may recall, my last "relationship" ended partly because my lover and I were not on the same page about what dating + emotional intimacy + slumber parties + sex meant. My new MO is to listen to what men say about what they're looking for, take them at face value, and structure our interactions accordingly.

If a man is only interested in a FWB arrangements, I tell him to forget the "friends" part. The sole purpose of our interactions is to meet for sex. I will not date him, spend the night, or invest time in talking/texting except to make plans. All we will do is meet for sex and possibly post-coital cuddling and conversation. If I enter into this type of arrangement, it's either because a guy is particularly hot or because he's a Dom/top. I get what I want out of it and vice versa.

For a man seeking poly romance, I take my time getting to know him. We go on dates together and it will be some time before I bed him. I make an investment in sharing details of my life and inner thoughts, learning about him, offering emotional support, communicating about where our relationship stands, and showing willingness to work through issues. (Right now, I only have one partner who fits the bill, although I'm going on a fourth date tomorrow with someone I like very much.)

This may sound cold, but sex is powerful and boundaries exist for a reason. Once burned, twice shy.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Aug 01, 2019 10:01 am

@llorona:

Thanks for your response.
My new MO is to listen to what men say about what they're looking for, take them at face value, and structure our interactions accordingly.
Yup. My life got a whole lot easier when I adopted "ONLY take men literally" as my core relationship practice. Not to say that I don't often lapse on strict adherence, but when I do it is much easier to retrace my steps, or unknit my knitting, and observe where I exhibited bad form. Simplistic, stereotypical example being something like "Ah, yes, now I see. My error was in interpreting "You are so beautiful." to mean "I will call you sometime this week.""

I am currently reading this brilliant text-book on the topic of information theory which includes a chapter on the topic of how it can be mathematically shown that sexual reproduction will convey much better information about the environment than asexual reproduction, and I was actually thinking about how this could be extended to the realm of sexual/romantic communication. Kind of like you could diagram your relationship with any given man as a binary gate flow-chart, then set it to run as a fast-track animation set to some sort of appropriate selection of pop tracks, along a range such as "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" or "Oops, I Did it Again" or "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on it)" or "Better Dig Two*."

If a man is only interested in a FWB arrangements, I tell him to forget the "friends" part. The sole purpose of our interactions is to meet for sex. I will not date him, spend the night, or invest time in talking/texting except to make plans. All we will do is meet for sex and possibly post-coital cuddling and conversation. If I enter into this type of arrangement, it's either because a guy is particularly hot or because he's a Dom/top. I get what I want out of it and vice versa.
Have you read "Be Honest, You're Not That Into Him Either" by Ian Kerner? It's a good, maybe Wheaton Level 2 response, to Wheaton Level 1 "He's Not That Into You", which is itself comprised of pretty good advice for Wheaton Level 0 majority. Anyways, Kerner, by way of proving his argument that women don't really enjoy casual sex or one-night-stands for the usual-suspect deep reasons related to gender-specific reproductive energy dynamics, challenges his readers to only have casual sex under situations where they give their partner no contact information. IOW, you are kidding yourself about your lack of desire for relationship if you can't meet the terms of this challenge. Therefore, the question I asked myself after reading this book, which is also the first step towards Wheaton Level 3 functioning was "What have been the circumstances on the occasions I have enjoyed casual sex?" and one answer that popped out strongly was "When I was strongly engaged in plans for my own future that were either not relationship related or likely to be relationship hindered." For instance, I was quite happily serial in my serial monogamy the summer I was 22 and planning on transferring to a different university that fall.

Kerner also suggests that there is some sort of deep reason why women are often unable to orgasm on first or only sexual encounter with a male partner. In fact, he puts such emphasis on this factoid, I was almost sent to "I am not a normal female. In primitive times my babies would have starved because I did not exhibit appropriate behavior to attach meat-bringing behavior from father." hell by his argument. I think your standard of "particularly hot or because he's a Dom/top" correlates well with my attempted reconstruction of the many occasions on which the Goddess did indeed gift me with an orgasm even though I was not (or not yet) securely emotionally attached to a contract committed partner.

Anyways, if you can follow the breadcrumbs of my reasoning thus far, the next step for me was a mid-life realization that FWB could in fact work quite well for me, because then I could get "particularly hot" AND "male friend" for the price of one. The "male friend" benefit for me manifesting mostly in the form of practical assistance. For example, the way this might work would be I say yes to sex with some guy who is objectively a 9 to my 6.5 then I suggest/hint that he might like to give me a hand with putting up a book shelf or digging a hole in my garden or if I can borrow his van to move some books. Win-Win! Of course, this only works if you are somebody like me who always has a lot of projects and doesn't have much need for romance.



*I think if I ever really wanted to convert a man from monogamy to polyamory, I would just play this video.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm

@7w5:

I don't give this much thought. While I really enjoy the non-monogamy and polyamory I still struggle with the culture around it. Most of the polyamory books/ blogs/ discussion paint a rosy/ positive picture of how "polyamourous people" are just different. I feel it's often implied that they are better or more emotionally mature than monogamous people. I think this is partially because it is an attempt to do something that the vast majority of people are very uncomfortable with but, the culture of non-monogamy is a bit self-aggrandizing, imo. People dating and fucking each other is rarely a straight forward pain-free experience, inside or outside of monogamy.

Partially because of this and partially because I am brand new at this whole thing, I haven't found it useful to decide or declare what I'm looking for (in terms of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, etc...). I thought I just wanted to get laid, but it became clear pretty early on that having totally unattached sex isn't something I'm good at or that is that desirable to me. OTOH, I'm really not looking to pick up multiple girlfriends or have more people depend on me. I guess, right now, what I'm most looking for is either total casual encounters or the more likely scenario of multiple friends with benefits.

It has also been my experience that, much as most men aren't too keen on women making the first physical move, women aren't too keen on letting men make the first, post-physical, emotional moves.

To answer your question directly, I don't strictly do anything to differentiate. If I see a woman more than once I make it clear that I have a girlfriend who I've lived with for several years and try to make it clear that I'm not in any way available for the things you would expect a primary partner to be available for. I am available for the kind of things you might expect a secondary friend to be available for. I try to error on the side of being a little less emotionally available than I would be for a close friend, as I don't want someone I'm sleeping with to come to depend on my for primary emotional support that I won't be able to give.

Jason
Posts: 2380
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:52 pm

Let's see. You have Mr. Play. You have oral sex workshops. You have one who requires an assistant to keep track of his relationships. You have one who says that you can go bowling and watch Netflix (which to this author, is more of an invitation that an actual threesome). You have pleas to stay hydrated. You have reference to a book entitled "The Ethical Slut" which well, forget it. You have one that suspiciously looks like Rick James. You have events called "Dungeons and Drag Queens." You have one woman who has a butt that Serena Williams would say "now that's an ass." It's well, I don't know. A little David Koresh. A little Super Fly. A little Soul Train. A little summer of love. A little Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice. A little studio 54. And a little confusing. Ok, a whole bunch of confusing.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/03/styl ... ships.html

User avatar
fiby41
Posts: 1081
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2015 8:09 am
Location: India

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by fiby41 » Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:10 am

Jin+Guice wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm
l. I think this is partially because it is an attempt to do something that the vast majority of people are very uncomfortable with
That's how humans have been for the largest part of our evolutionary history. Making virtue out of necessity, enforced monogamy is post-agricultural revolution social convention.
Jin+Guice wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm
People dating and fucking each other is rarely a straight forward pain-free experience, inside or outside of monogamy.
What is sold as monogamy is just one variant of it- serial monogamy. 'Dating' semantically has the implication that you may be 'seeing' other people also. Having options let's one walk out when it gets painful.
Jin+Guice wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm
Partially because of this and partially because I am brand new at this whole thing, I haven't found it useful to decide or declare what I'm looking for (in terms of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, etc...).
There is no need to put a label on it to identify with. See How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, Identity Trap.
You don't have to declare it either.
Jin+Guice wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm
I thought I just wanted to get laid, but it became clear pretty early on that having totally unattached sex isn't something I'm good at or that is that desirable to me.
The male strategy is unlimited access to unlimited intimacy. Case in point, popularity of porn in men.
Jin+Guice wrote:
Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:43 pm
OTOH, I'm really not looking to pick up multiple girlfriends or have more people depend on me.
Relationships don't have to be work. See Plate Theory.

Jason
Posts: 2380
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Sun Aug 04, 2019 10:35 am

fiby41 wrote:
Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:10 am
Relationships don't have to be work. See Plate Theory.
"Honey, based on the Stein theory for isotropic cantilever plates, which assumes a transfer displacement field of the form, those pants actually make your ass look flatter."

EdithKeeler
Posts: 1000
Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2013 7:55 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by EdithKeeler » Sun Aug 04, 2019 12:36 pm

I don’t know why I am still reading this thread; living vicariously, I guess.

I was just talking to a friend about the fact that neither of us, between work and home duties, and taking care of pets and elderly parents, that we have zero time for dating and sex. Right now the idea of trying to be in a relationship feels like just One More Thing. Easy to just cross it off the list.

Clarice
Posts: 260
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:45 pm
Location: California

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Clarice » Mon Aug 05, 2019 2:20 am

:evil:

User avatar
fiby41
Posts: 1081
Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2015 8:09 am
Location: India

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by fiby41 » Sun Sep 01, 2019 11:52 pm


Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Sun Oct 20, 2019 4:05 pm

How are the writhing masses treating the rest of you?


Personally, it's been mostly quiet on the polyamory front, for a confluence of reasons: I've been really busy, so I haven't had much time to go on dates to find anyone new. It's also been hot af and I always get depressed by the end of the summer, so I haven't been doing anything social. The one side-chick I was seeing fairly regularly stopped texting me at the same time I stopped texting her. I have no idea what happened to her. Did she die? I could just text her or look at her social media, but I prefer the mystery. My girlfriend and I are both "dating" this one chick, but we only see her every few months. My girlfriend's dad had surgery (he's fine) but she was really nervous/ upset about it. She's less than enthusiastic about me pursing other women, so I decided to take a few weeks off from pursuing anyone while she was dealing with family shit. However, it's finally cooling off and I'm finally finishing up all of the work I piled on myself, so...

On the gf front, things have also been quiet, but I'm not really happy with how the open-relationship is going. I still feel like there's a pretty high emotional toll extracted when I go on dates. I haven't gone out with anyone new in awhile, so I'm worried that the next time I do she'll freak out again. I'm not willing to go through another period of her freaking out and us having really bad fights for two weeks every time I go on a date.

I'm pretty resentful about how the open-relationship has gone. I've been supportive about her sex work and followed every rule, while she breaks her own rules and initially lied about some of the sex work she was doing*. She treats the open-relationship as a favor to me, rather than an agreement that benefits us both. I'm required to share the details of every date, which I wouldn't mind if it felt like she was on my team, but it feels like an interrogation. I feel she is free to do the sex work that she wants and date who she wants, while she extracts a huge emotional toll and devises rules to keep me from seeing anyone.

*In general she is not deceitful and is honest when she breaks her own rules and agrees to change them.


She is totally fine with having group-sex with other women and is usually kind of o.k. with me going on dates when one of us is out of town. This is a potential resolution, but these situations are rare.

My gf is also unhappy with the open-relationship. She wants to do sex work and date the occasional woman (she basically only sleeps with dudes when she knows I'm sleeping with another woman) and I'm seeing other women and potentially maintaining secondary partners. Her point is that it's easier for me to deal with what she does because she doesn't actively pursue much sex or relationships with other men.

She offers to stop doing sex work and go back to a closed-relationship. She really likes doing sex work, so I question whether she'd really be happy with this. It's also not something I'm willing to do, so I haven't gone down this path. This is usually her main point of contention when we argue.

After giving this some thought, I've realized there are two problems. The first is that both of us are resentful about the arrangement. She feels like it's not a fair trade and I feel like I was deceived when we made the arrangement and robbed of the benefits. The second is that we are not sexually compatible. She has much lower sex drive than me and doesn't need much sexual variety. She also has an autoimmune disease which makes her unable to have sex sometimes. I have a very high sex drive and require more variety**. She is more traditional than I am (initially wanted marriage/ children) and more concerned with maintaining a long-term partner.

**By variety I mean novelty, not necessarily in partners.


To me the open-relationship represents a solution to these problems while I think she sees it as me being a typical non-committal/ horny dude.

Thanks for bearing with me on a long relationship post, it helps my internal dialogue/ external discussions if I can summarize by putting pen to pixel and getting commentary from you fine frugal folks.



But wait there's more:

This whole open-relationship non-monogamy adventure (I'm realistically only 6 months in) has made me think about how our society does relationships. 1-10 years into 30-80 years of sexual activity, the majority of us decide to dedicate ourselves to one person FOREVER. We place a high value on the ability of each partner to exclusively own the future lifetime sexual and romantic endeavors of the other partner. Casual relationships are seen as inferior to "serious" relationships. We primarily evaluate relationships on their longevity and ability to endure rather than their intensity/ quality.

Mister Imperceptible
Posts: 1080
Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2017 4:18 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Mister Imperceptible » Sun Oct 20, 2019 9:30 pm

I recommend you become a single guy as your girlfriend is clearly not The One For You and try getting butterflies with someone else again. Especially before you get AIDS.

Imagine how much better your music would be if the extra sexual energy left over from having only one partner was sublimated.

Gilberto de Piento
Posts: 1331
Joined: Tue Nov 12, 2013 10:23 pm

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Gilberto de Piento » Sun Oct 20, 2019 10:30 pm

I skimmed most of this thread just now and I'd like to predict that in 50 years almost everyone is poly and it is a normal thing. There will still be a lot of handwringing about whether or not it is good. In 100 years* it will just be how it is and no one will give it a second thought. The one question I have from an ERE perspective is how do I make money on this so I don't have to go to work any more?

*Could be 20 years and 40 years, who knows.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Tue Oct 22, 2019 7:15 am

@Gilberto de Piento:

Polyamory is dependent on population of human females being in possession of good deal of affluence and independence. Monogamous marriage is a very good middle-class practice towards acquiring and stock-piling of resources towards futherance of physical health and economic/reproductive success of next generation. So, as evidence by MI's above comments regarding AIDs and sublimation, middle class morality cautions, instills disgust, against the "dirty" promiscuity or prostitution behaviors of members of the lower/under-class.

So, females who choose to practice polyamory need to possess enough personal wherewithal (assortment of capital forms) to overcome both stigma and economic reality which favors simple partnership. So, earliest practitioners of polyamory were for the most part only females with very large portions of personal assets, such as Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace. OTOH, even given the vastly greater affluence of any modern human, I could just barely "afford" to actively practice polyamory previously, and at the moment I am no longer able to "afford" to practice it.

Anyways, IFF you are correct in predicting that trends such as urbanization, education of females, high-tech ease of communication continue well into this century, I agree that practice of polyamory will likely also increase. Off the top of my head, ways in which you might be able to make money from this trend would be investing in any of the resources/products/services frequently used by people who are actively dating, such as restaurants and condoms. As the practice becomes more mainstream/accepted, new ways of constructing modular housing and/or "third places" could be an area of interest. I highly recommend the book "A Pattern Language" by Alexander as resource for thinking about this. An affluent polyamorous individual will likely desire spaces appropriate for independent solo work or living (room of her own), unique couple shared-sex-nesting space with any/all significant mates, and variety of third spaces for meet-greet and outings. For instance, I did not like hostessing any of my lovers in the small apartment I shared with my sister and her dogs, and I didn't like the fact that one particular restaurant happenstance ended up being "our spot" with two different men I was dating, simply because it was the only decent one in town. Of course, I gave a good deal of thought to creative frugal ways to overcome the inherent "expense" of polyamory, with some degree of success, but there definitely are some problems to be overcome with the practice, and helping other people solve their problems is generally the most functional algorithm towards making money flow in your direction.

@Jin + Guice:

You may wish to consider what I wrote above about level of affluence/independence/assets necessary to successfully practice polyamory as a female and how that relates to your current partner. I would say at minimum, you have to be feeling "highly confident" in at least 3 major realms in order to "afford" this practice as a female.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Tue Oct 22, 2019 9:59 am

@MI:

I'm not a strong believer in The One and I find occasionally chasing 40 yr old married women on the internet and then sometimes into real life to be pretty energizing.

@GdP: I doubt this due to the current revulsion of the majority of my friends to the breaking of this norm. Perhaps I'm just bad at understanding cultural change or have a limited group of friends though. I do think the trend will continue to increase (at a decreasing rate) in the coming years, so there are still dollars to be made.

@7w5: Interesting. I'll assert that since I am a middle class American and thus mostly interact with other middle class Americans, that most if not all women I encounter possess the economic means to practice polyamory if they wanted to. If they are highly interested in finding a partner to accumulate capital with as one economic unit, then polyamory would be a bad choice, but I am also a bad choice as a partner for these women. The stigma is what's difficult to overcome.

In terms of "affordability" multiple partners of equal status would be the most expensive. Currently I'm aiming for something more like primary partnership with other fleeting affairs and possible secondary partnership. I don't think I currently have the emotional capacity or time to have multiple primary partners. If polyamory is expensive perhaps partnered non-monogamy (or whatever the term for what I'm talking about) is less expensive?

In regard to my personal situation, I think my girlfriend possesses the capital to afford polyamory, even in its most expenses form, but that doesn't mean it's what she wants.

User avatar
C40
Posts: 2353
Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:30 am
Location: PNW
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Tue Oct 22, 2019 10:12 am

@Gilberto - I recently bought some MTCH stock. That's one way.

@Jin+Juice - I believe you have expressed before how much you love/enjoy this girl (outside of sexually). It sounds like you're in a tricky situation - given that you describe the two of you as sexually incompatible. You made a mistake getting into this relationship (and then yourself changing).

Now, you're trying to create a situation that accommodates that incompatibility - trying to repair/fix your mistake while still keeping the relationship - and it is not going well. It may not ever go well, no matter what. I'm not saying you should break up with her. I don't know if you should. I'm saying that - at the least - now you know how important these things are to you and in the future can be more selective when starting a new serious relationship.

I believe you are living one of the problems that comes with these 'progressive' relationship methods - much more complexity in finding 'the right one(s)'. In the past, to some extents you marry a girl that lives in the same small town and then you both believe you're in it forever, so you accept the problems and hopefully learn to be happy with the good parts of the relationship.

Also - when it comes to sexual variety/novelty - it is indeed possible to explore and enjoy those novelties mostly by yourself - through learning, viewing, and self-play. Having fully zero exploration of those with other people will likely not suffice - but the actual amount required with other people can be quite small - like 5-10%. Sometimes one needs only the possibility of doing them, or just a small taste.

Crazylemon
Posts: 213
Joined: Sat May 30, 2015 2:29 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Crazylemon » Tue Oct 22, 2019 12:17 pm

@J+G I would agree with what C40 says. The current situation seems unstable and stressful.

Personally. Actually started using my side of the open relationship option. It is fun and you can then bring 'good ideas' back in to the primary relationship. So far partner has been perfectly happy with it (He would be a massive hypocrite if not). Tends to be for both of us only when the other isn't available (I am on shifts, he is away for work, one of us is meeting friends etc.). The most friction is surprise from secondary partners that such a situation can work, who then go along with it anyway.

Post Reply