Polyamory Support Group

Simple living, extreme early retirement, being wealthy, ...
Post Reply
Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm

I know there's like 4 other polyamorous people on here, but I didn't see any other active polyamory threads, so I started a new one. I'm pretty new to this and am interested to hear about others experiences as well as share my own.

My girlfriend and I recently opened our relationship after dating for 6 years. Actually, it's been open for about a year, but she has never been totally stoked about the idea of me dating/ banging other chicks, so I wanted to let her make the first move. In hindsight this was a weak ass and manipulative move, and at least partially because I haven't dated in 5 years.

I'm going to share some personal details about her that I'm not 100% comfortable with, nor am I sure she'd want me to share. However, I also can't talk to anyone in my day-to-day life about this shit because they all know her, so internet strangers it is. The initial reason she agreed to open our relationship was to go back to sex work (I'm being intentionally vague about what she does here, but she is not a prostitute, which IMO, is categorically different from a partner stand-point). She also started dating a woman about 3 months after we opened our relationship, but I think they've stopped seeing each other.

Our sex life is also terrible. She has an auto-immune disease which makes it difficult for her to have sex most of the time (thought it waxes and wanes) and also drastically lowers her sex drive. She was also in a super strict cult for 5 years where she couldn't have sex and while she didn't enjoy it, she still made it that long, which, yikes! Additionally, we hold drastically different views on sex. She is extremely submissive. I am more dominant than submissive but I like a bit of assertiveness and dominance sometimes. Part of her sexuality is expressed through sex work. When we first stated dating I thought it would be fun and sexy to date someone who'd been a sex worker, but, well, the best way I can explain it is she made me feel like I was a 50 year old fat guy who's wife hated him, which was not the sexiest feeling I've ever had. She also holds traditional views of sex, like she thinks men are naturally more interested in sex than women and also more interested in having multiple partners. I've always had the sneaking suspicion that she thinks sex is a gift she bestows upon me, but not something we mutually enjoy. This could just be my interpretation of our vastly different sexualities though.

I was more or less forced to be in a polyamorous relationship by my last girlfriend, which was initially no the most pleasant thing, but made me face and deal with some pretty severe jealousy issues. My current girlfriend is very jealous and asked that I not spend time with my female friends alone when we first started dating, although she's gotten a lot better after years of me being a dick about this sort of thing. I had wanted to have an open relationships since the beginning, but magic struck and the other girls I was sleeping with/ interested in all fell off around the time that she started insisting I commit or leave, so I thought, fuck it, why not give this crazy cult chick a chance... ain't love grand?

This is all to say that I was gearing up to have a large and highly unpleasant fight about opening our relationship up when, serendipitously, my girlfriend said she wanted to start doing sex work again, which opened the door for me to fairly easily insist upon an open relationship.

So here we are a year later and I've gone on exactly zero dates. I've really only been trying for about 3 months, but if I can't figure this out in the next year or so, well, I need to figure it out. The issue I'm having are 1) I don't go to a lot of places where there are single available women and I'm not used to flirting with them when I do. 2) My girlfriend is not at all helpful and is constantly trying to make rules that severely hinder my ability to date anyone. She mostly wants to try dating other couples, which I think will be difficult given that we're not in the best place sexually. Frankly, I'd feel a bit awkward about the couple dating situation as well, though I would try it. I think she also has trouble seeing sex as something you have to put a bit of work in for, not something that is constantly available to you anywhere there are other humans. 3) I live with my girlfriend and most other women know that I am spoken for, even if I'm not. I'm 31 so most women around my age are mostly looking for a long-term partner, possibly to marry and/or have children with, and being known to be unavailable drastically diminishes the amount of women I can date. I don't think it's impossible to find women who are either poly or interested in dating someone who doesn't want a long-term relationship, but I do think it severely diminishes my chances with about 70% of women my age. I do have kind of a thing for older women and would be open to dating them and I'd also date a woman young enough that she may still be in the "just having fun" years, but I don't usually have much of a connection with younger women.

In the past I've had some success with online dating so I've been using some dating apps when I go out of town, which is about once every few months. I know everyone hates dating apps, but god damn I fucking love them. Picture after picture of beautiful women and I'm accepting or denying them, with no idea if they accept or deny me. I've matched with a few girls that I liked talking to, but all of them either stopped talking to me when they found out I had a girlfriend or I went back home before I was able to meet up with them. I think this is my greatest chance for success in the near term. I've resisted online dating at home because New Orleans is small and I'm going to have to explain to everyone I know (some of whom I don't necessarily want to know I'm in an open relationship) that I'm not actually cheating on my girlfriend. I've also been trying to get better at human interaction with strangers and I'd like to ask a girl that I meet IRL on a date before I take the easy way out and start looking on dating apps/ sites again.

The picture I've painted so far is pretty grim, but honestly I'm loving the open relationship. It's so nice to flirt with someone at a party and not feel bad about it. I'm also way more self-confident than I was last time I was dating and enjoying the process of meeting new people more than I did then too.

Well shit, there's a pretty long summary of my polyamory station in life. I'd appreciate any feedback and also like to hear about others travails in the world of non-traditional dating.

Jean
Posts: 1086
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 8:49 am
Location: Switzterland

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jean » Wed Mar 20, 2019 1:03 am

Why are you with your girlfriend?/

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:28 am

@Jin+Guice:

I know that I wrote way more than anybody wanted to read on the topic of polyamory a few years ago when I was in my brand new shiny thing phase of it.

Are you an ENTP (AKA- the sexy nerd?) A good deal of what you wrote above could apply to me if gender roles were reversed. I also have a male friend who is ENTP and seems to get himself into similar situations (As in, if I had a penny for every stripper he let use his washing machine :roll: .) I think maybe the ENTP should really be called the sexual nerd rather than the sexy nerd, because we extrovert sexually, even in relationship to interests/ideas as well as other humans. Another thing that is true about the ENTP is that we deeply appreciate the fine arts and pure science, but we aren't introverted/disciplined/dark enough to be true Artist or Scientists. So, we often really thrive in careers or businesses in which we are able to promote art and/or science, such as running a recording studio or dealing in rare books.

I don't think an ENTP is the very most naturally polyamorous type, because I think male XNFPs are the most capable of compersion (the opposite of jealousy) within sexual context. We ENTPS are just naturally open-minded, amiable people with an easy-going high sex drive and a very high ability to rationalize doing what we want to do, so long as we maintain our 6 year old level concept of social harmony (lollipops and balloons for everyone!) and our more adult level concept of contract= cheating is for losers, but it often pays to be clever.

Anyways, you and I both seem to currently be somehow somewhat stuck in open primary relationships with bi-sexual partners who are either not very interested in sex or not very interested in sex with us (No! How could this possibly be true? Just look how cute and cool we are :lol: ) However, three big differences in our current dilemmas would be our genders, our age/phase-of-life, and current milieu. So, for instance, one thing that makes MY problem more confusing than yours is that my current primary partner is a big, very masculine/rough acting/appearing, right-wing card-holding Republican, who also likes arts festivals and MMF threesomes. Like you, I know this isn't the appropriate forum, but I have already read every Savage love column that remotely applies.

Fish
Posts: 522
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2016 9:09 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Fish » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:00 am

@J+G - Not directly related, but check out viewtopic.php?t=8483

@7 - Time to revive that thread?

George the original one
Posts: 4841
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:28 am
Location: Wettest corner of Orygun

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by George the original one » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:03 am

You're dancing around the polyamory issue. Either make it public or give up on it, as not making it public is just not attracting the right potential. If you insist on making it non-public, couples dating is probably the right avenue.

prognastat
Posts: 1000
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 8:30 pm
Location: Texas
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by prognastat » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:12 am

I may be way off, I mean obviously playing an internet psychologist is the most accurate job in the world. However your girlfriend sounds like she might have some serious mental problems surrounding sex.

Between the traditional upbringing, then the whole no sex cult, then sex worker and bisexual yet still holding traditional values regarding sex and low sex drive. This history makes it sound like there are some serious internal conflicts regarding her sexuality/sex.

If this is indeed the case I don't think polyamory will work out if you were to find another partner unless she clears up these internal conflicts and still agrees to polyamory/open relationship.

EDIT:
My apologies if I'm reading too much into your post or if it's in any way offensive.

User avatar
C40
Posts: 2353
Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:30 am
Location: PNW
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:30 am

Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm
Our sex life is also terrible. She has an auto-immune disease which makes it difficult for her to have sex most of the time (thought it waxes and wanes) and also drastically lowers her sex drive. She was also in a super strict cult for 5 years where she couldn't have sex and while she didn't enjoy it, she still made it that long, which, yikes! Additionally, we hold drastically different views on sex. She is extremely submissive. I am more dominant than submissive but I like a bit of assertiveness and dominance sometimes. Part of her sexuality is expressed through sex work. When we first stated dating I thought it would be fun and sexy to date someone who'd been a sex worker, but, well, the best way I can explain it is she made me feel like I was a 50 year old fat guy who's wife hated him, which was not the sexiest feeling I've ever had. She also holds traditional views of sex, like she thinks men are naturally more interested in sex than women and also more interested in having multiple partners. I've always had the sneaking suspicion that she thinks sex is a gift she bestows upon me, but not something we mutually enjoy. This could just be my interpretation of our vastly different sexualities though.
Well,.. this sounds really shitty. Personally, if I find out a woman views sex as thing women endure as a gift for men, I will not get involved with her. No way. (except maybe for instances where I'm sure she thinks that due to inexperience). One of my not set of not actually defined dating practices is that I only have sex with feminists. 'Feminist' doesn't have much meaning on it's own, so, in this respect, I mean I only want to sleep with women that have (what I consider) healthy, educated, and reasonable mindsets related to sex. Well, that is still vague. I basically just mean that their views on sex are mostly aligned with my own. There are two benefits: first that she wont be bringing poor/limiting views on sex, but also, women who spend time learning about sex are usually better at it, if for no other correlation than that people only spend time learning about the things they are interested in, and enjoy, and want more of or better.

[I'm not saying you should dump your girlfriend]


Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm
She mostly wants to try dating other couples, which I think will be difficult given that we're not in the best place sexually. Frankly, I'd feel a bit awkward about the couple dating situation as well, though I would try it.
Why does she only want to date couples? And does this mean that the times together are only all four of you? On one hand, dating another couple is often more likely to be a more purely sexual experience. On the other (and I'd guess the reason she wants this, but you should ask her if you haven't) is that since both groups are already coupled there seems like less risk of anyone leaving their partner.

As I'd guess you know, women (as an entire average group) have more concern about emotional relationships/cheating than men do. One thing to make sure you do with her to clarify what it is you want with other women outside your relationship, and find your ways to ensure her that it won't result in whatever it is she fears**.


**Well - unless you want it to. In that case, the standard thing would seem to me to be clear with her about it. With her having some jealousy and making up rules, I'd imagine that won't go so well. [This is not advice]: in my experience, I've found it works better - at least after first trying it through conversations, not just to ask for what you want, but to only allow what you want. An example at work - when I wanted to switch to working part time and was sure I didn't want to work full time, I didn't just ask my boss to let me work part time. I first told him ~"I'm done working full time. It's not an option anymore. Given that, I'd like to work part time, do guys want that?" (The framing feels different than an ultimatum, and I think works much better).

Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm
I'm 31 so most women around my age are mostly looking for a long-term partner, possibly to marry and/or have children with, and being known to be unavailable drastically diminishes the amount of women I can date. I don't think it's impossible to find women who are either poly or interested in dating someone who doesn't want a long-term relationship, but I do think it severely diminishes my chances with about 70% of women my age. I do have kind of a thing for older women and would be open to dating them and I'd also date a woman young enough that she may still be in the "just having fun" years, but I don't usually have much of a connection with younger women.
It depends what you want. If you want a full-on 'I love you' girlfriend, yeah. If you want something less, especially if just sex, I don't believe having a partner is a limitation other than the logistics of not having your own place and maybe time/energy limitations. It depends on local cultures though. In Portland, no problem, tons of folks are be cool with it. I don't know about New Orleans. In other places in the south certainly aren't great places for it.


Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm
In the past I've had some success with online dating so I've been using some dating apps when I go out of town, which is about once every few months. I know everyone hates dating apps, but god damn I fucking love them. Picture after picture of beautiful women and I'm accepting or denying them, with no idea if they accept or deny me. I've matched with a few girls that I liked talking to, but all of them either stopped talking to me when they found out I had a girlfriend or I went back home before I was able to meet up with them. I think this is my greatest chance for success in the near term. I've resisted online dating at home because New Orleans is small and I'm going to have to explain to everyone I know (some of whom I don't necessarily want to know I'm in an open relationship) that I'm not actually cheating on my girlfriend. I've also been trying to get better at human interaction with strangers and I'd like to ask a girl that I meet IRL on a date before I take the easy way out and start looking on dating apps/ sites again.
I also love dating apps. IMO, the thing to do is clarify right in your profile. Something like "In an open relationship". Now when people you know see your profile, they (probably) won't think you're a cheating bastard. You certainly don't have to explain it to everyone you know. If you're out in public with some other woman and run into someone, you may want/need to tell that one person.

Back to clarifying things in your profile - this is a version of "flying your flag". If you want to meet your people, you should fly your flag. I don't know how you expect anything to happen in New Orleans if you don't use dating apps, and don't tell people what you want. Sure, it's possible to lock eyes with some girl in the produce section at Sprouts and then it's like a rom-com. But, that probably ain't happening, right?

New Orleans isn't all that small.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:53 pm

Fish wrote: Time to revive that thread?
Maybe, but it would have to be on geriatric-sex-advocate-heal-thyself basis :lol:
George the Original One wrote:You're dancing around the polyamory issue. Either make it public or give up on it, as not making it public is just not attracting the right potential. If you insist on making it non-public, couples dating is probably the right avenue.
I agree. A halfway measure would be to clearly indicate that you are in an open relationship in your internet dating profile, but keep your profile not visible except when you are "dating." That's what my poly-partner who was out to just about everyone except his adult children from previous marriage did. Having adult children who may have friends who use the same app/site as you is a serious buzz-kill potential on the geriatric dating scene.
C40 wrote:In that case, the standard thing would seem to me to be clear with her about it. With her having some jealousy and making up rules, I'd imagine that won't go so well. [This is not advice]: in my experience, I've found it works better - at least after first trying it through conversations, not just to ask for what you want, but to only allow what you want. An example at work - when I wanted to switch to working part time and was sure I didn't want to work full time, I didn't just ask my boss to let me work part time. I first told him ~"I'm done working full time. It's not an option anymore. Given that, I'd like to work part time, do guys want that?" (The framing feels different than an ultimatum, and I think works much better).
This is spot on brilliant.

Jason
Posts: 2380
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Wed Mar 20, 2019 1:33 pm

Jin+Guice wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 11:38 pm
She has an auto-immune disease which makes it difficult for her to have sex most of the time
Have you tried having sex in other places besides your car?

Freedom_2018
Posts: 388
Joined: Sat Dec 18, 2010 12:10 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Freedom_2018 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 3:44 pm

Ok, that was unequivocally funny!!!

I do have some thoughts on the topic of polyamory but limited by bandwidth due to the NZ thread. But in short polyamory (without for the moment considering moral/value angle) seems often more complicated in practice than it looks on paper and would require significant maturity and logistical skill which most people perhaps think they have but not really. Also with increased sexual partners (and hence their partners), one is having sex with more people than one is physically humping...aka..potential for disease etc..I haven't been able to get my head around the safety aspect of it. I like my life and would like to be continue to be free of any sexual disease (I was a bit alarmed to read how prevalent HSV1,2 , cold sores or whatever are) and therefore keeping my willy in my pants or only sharing with disease free monogamous partner.

<I understand there can be fluid bonded closed groups etc to contain disease>

I don't mean to be flippant about this as I think there is a whole philosophical, moral and strategic angle to some of the adherents of polyamory and will try that angle later.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 4:38 pm

@Freedom_2018:

I asked my BIL, who is an epidemiologist who has mostly studied sexually transmitted disease, about the risk of having sex with an affluent, yearly lab tested, American man over the age of 50 wearing a condom, and he said more likely that I will be hurt in car accident on the way to the sex.

Of course, doesn't negate the possibility of my partner getting cooties from me, because I bought my teddy at the Salvation Army thrift store, or throwing out his back if he falls asleep next to me on my inflatable mattress bed.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Wed Mar 20, 2019 4:49 pm

@Jason: It's her car, maybe that's the problem.

@Freedom_2018: I appreciate your perspective, but if I can moderate this thread, I'd like to keep it clear of the for/against polyamory debate. I'm happy to start another thread in the political arguments topic if we want to go down that road simultaneously. It's unlikely that you will personally convince me that this is a bad idea. I'm not on the crux of deciding whether to do this or not, but am already deeply psychologically invested in doing it.

@Fish: Thanks for the old thread, it was very helpful/ interesting. I'm sure there are more old threads I haven't read. The only ones I have read are the ones with "polyamory" in the thread title. I would be interested in reading others if they are out there.

@Everyone_Else: Thanks for your responses, they have been very helpful and are much appreciated. I'll respond to the lengthy posts later. I'm currently very tired from having put in 7 hours of disgusting and soul crushing sacrifice to the gods of money.

Jason
Posts: 2380
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:30 pm

Your girlfriend, with whom you have an unsatisfying sex life, is a sex worker who has an auto-immune disease that makes it difficult for her to have sex.

I'm trying to understand this. My wife is a librarian. So to make things analogous, it would be the same as if she was barely illiterate and after a long day's work at the library, I asked her to read to me when she came home? Is this a fair comparison?

User avatar
C40
Posts: 2353
Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2011 4:30 am
Location: PNW
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by C40 » Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:46 pm

For many 'sex workers', the work does not actually include having sex.

Jason
Posts: 2380
Joined: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:37 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jason » Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:06 pm

Well, hopefully they're informed of that fact before they accept the job.

Jin+Guice
Posts: 485
Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:15 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jin+Guice » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:34 pm

Jean wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 1:03 am
Why are you with your girlfriend?/
Fair question, if someone offered me the deal I'm describing, I'd run as fast as I could in the other direction. First off, she is really great. It's really difficult to meet a quality woman who I like and will put up with my weirdo hobo bullshit. We are very compatible and despite the fact that I have to hang out with her awful family and she's cornered me into a lifestyle I never wanted and we can't have sex that often, I'm still pretty into her. Maybe because she puts up with my awful family and I've cornered her into a lifestyle she never wanted, which is to say for every weird anti-sex cult and weird foot fetish guy I'm putting up with, she's putting up with something equally weird and awful. I don't believe in soulmates or true love or marriage or judging a relationship based on longevity and undying commitment, but I do believe that it's difficult to me quality people who will really be there for you, and honestly she's the best family member I've got. Which is also not to say I won't be out the door the second shit gets really terrible or when the bad times out number the good.
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:28 am
Are you an ENTP (AKA- the sexy nerd?)
I am an ENTP with the caveat that I always score about 51% extrovert and about 20% of the time I get ENTJ.
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:28 am
one thing that makes MY problem more confusing than yours is that my current primary partner is a big, very masculine/rough acting/appearing, right-wing card-holding Republican, who also likes arts festivals and MMF threesomes.
This is the same as dating a feminine southern gal who likes fucking women and is mad that her uber traditional mother gets upset when her daughter writes a think piece for some Yankee publication about being a sex worker.
George the original one wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:03 am
You're dancing around the polyamory issue. Either make it public or give up on it, as not making it public is just not attracting the right potential.
This shit or get off the pot mentality is echoed by a few people, and it's the advice I need to hear. I'm still probably going to wait 1-3 months before online dating here in the interest of the flirt with girls/ ask them out in person experiment. My stated goal will be to ask one girl out in person before online dating, with the deadline of June 20th.
prognastat wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:12 am
I may be way off, I mean obviously playing an internet psychologist is the most accurate job in the world. However your girlfriend sounds like she might have some serious mental problems surrounding sex.

Between the traditional upbringing, then the whole no sex cult, then sex worker and bisexual yet still holding traditional values regarding sex and low sex drive. This history makes it sound like there are some serious internal conflicts regarding her sexuality/sex.
I don't disagree with you, but she's also had gone to a fair amount of therapy about her family/ cult stuff and is usually pretty good at handling her emotional shit, so...?
C40 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:30 am
Personally, if I find out a woman views sex as thing women endure as a gift for men, I will not get involved with her. No way.
I would agree with you here except that I didn't form this opinion until after we'd been sleeping together for a few years. I was also 25 when we started dating and my criteria for sleeping with someone were 1) is in some way attractive to me and 2) will have sex with me.
C40 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:30 am
On the other (and I'd guess the reason she wants this, but you should ask her if you haven't) is that since both groups are already coupled there seems like less risk of anyone leaving their partner.
Nailed it. It's worth mentioning that I think she will have a fairly hard time finding another partner as awesome and great as myself because of the aforementioned disease, sex work, dirth of quality men in New Orleans and the fact that she's 7 years older than me. I think her fear of this is even greater than the truth.
C40 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:30 am
One thing to make sure you do with her to clarify what it is you want with other women outside your relationship, and find your ways to ensure her that it won't result in whatever it is she fears**.


**Well - unless you want it to. In that case, the standard thing would seem to me to be clear with her about it. With her having some jealousy and making up rules, I'd imagine that won't go so well. [This is not advice]: in my experience, I've found it works better - at least after first trying it through conversations, not just to ask for what you want, but to only allow what you want. An example at work - when I wanted to switch to working part time and was sure I didn't want to work full time, I didn't just ask my boss to let me work part time. I first told him ~"I'm done working full time. It's not an option anymore. Given that, I'd like to work part time, do guys want that?" (The framing feels different than an ultimatum, and I think works much better)
I agree with 7w5 that this is fucking genius advice, even if it's not advice. I could apply this advice to almost every realm of my life where I'm having a problem. As far as the fears part, I realized through just flirting with other girls that, while I'm fine with emotionally detached sex, it's not really my style. I think it's more likely that I'll eventually find one or more secondary partners who I care about, but who I don't have as deep relationships with. When I realized this I did force the issue a bit and told her that I wasn't going to agree to her requests of "you can't have a single feeling for someone else" and "no more than 3 dates." I'm not sure we got to anything more than a we'll cross that bridge when we come to it agreement, but I won't feel any guilt when this inevitably happens.
C40 wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:30 am
I don't believe having a partner is a limitation other than the logistics of not having your own place and maybe time/energy limitations. It depends on local cultures though. In Portland, no problem, tons of folks are be cool with it. I don't know about New Orleans. In other places in the south certainly aren't great places for it.
This is probably largely in my head. New Orleanian women are often very conflicted in what they want. They have the southern, "I want to find my prince charming and be married by 30" mentality, but they also have the "I want to stay out partying all night and bang who I want" mentality. Somehow this makes the most desirable dudes 48 yr old paunchy borderline alcoholics who are vaguely good at carpentry. It's a weird place.
Jason wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:30 pm
Your girlfriend, with whom you have an unsatisfying sex life, is a sex worker who has an auto-immune disease that makes it difficult for her to have sex.

I'm trying to understand this. My wife is a librarian. So to make things analogous, it would be the same as if she was barely illiterate and after a long day's work at the library, I asked her to read to me when she came home? Is this a fair comparison
She dosen't have sex, in the traditional sense, as part of her sex work. Also, sex work is her side hustle, she is primarily a writer. It'd be more like if your wife volunteered at a soup kitchen on the weekend, but really didn't like clam chowder, and then you asked her to make you a nice bisque when she came home.

prognastat
Posts: 1000
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 8:30 pm
Location: Texas
Contact:

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by prognastat » Thu Mar 21, 2019 12:36 am

I meaqn we are going off partial information her but girlfriend with traditional values, jealousy and no real agreement sound like they add up to a lot of trouble down the road.

It also sounds like you might be alright with that eventuality in which case there's not much we can add.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 5321
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by 7Wannabe5 » Thu Mar 21, 2019 6:04 am

@Jin+Guice:

Yeah, I am an eNTP too, but I never test ENTJ, so I think the way my brain works is somewhere in between you and Daylen (who very much reminds me of my INTP DS30.)

Since you stated interest hearing about experience of others with polyamory, I will continue with compare/contrast of my situation with yours, so maybe we can muddle through together.

This is the same as dating a feminine southern gal who likes fucking women and is mad that her uber traditional mother gets upset when her daughter writes a think piece for some Yankee publication about being a sex worker.
True enough. Generally, I like high contrast and novel juxtapositions, so the more serious problem in my primary relationship in the moment is his growing intolerance for my "weirdo hobo bullshit." Also, I was more content to work with him on the sex at the beginning of our relationship when I had two other partners with whom the sex was great in two different ways (romantic and to-the-MF'n-walls-slammin'.) My primary partner is very much one of my types looks-wise; Black Irish handsome, mop of silver and black hair, combined with rangy, broad shoulders, cute butt- what I think of as the Cowboy build, and when I manage to get him revved up, he exhibits some very decent hip action for a man his age. He's also a fun social companion, more willing to go out and try new things than many or most middle-aged men, and like your primary, he really proved himself as a very good friend when my sister I was living with literally lost her mind and lashed out at the entire world including me. But...the first time he saw me naked he said "You know not all men like large breasts." and at this point our sex life has pretty much declined to him chatting with other men about the possibility of a threesome while sharing a headless photo of me that very much displays my large breasts. So, since up until very recently when I moved all my stuff out of his place, he was also providing me with a good deal of financial support, this made me feel kind of like a very lazy virtual sex worker. There is a level on which it works for me that we both find men attractive, but we don't even like the same kind of men since his ideal would be something like Taylor Swift's twin brother who works as an aide to Republican candidate for governor.

My much more romantically engaged, very limousine liberal (founder of a social justice foundation, son of semi-famous CEO) partner was also into MMF, but with a very different vibe; more of a true poly pleasure in other's pleasure. Unfortunately, his wife with whom he made open contract at the very start of their marriage (2nd for both of them) became very jealous, because he was in love with me and not just having sex. I finally stopped replying to his emails, because his wishy-washy manner of handling this problem intermittently infuriated me or turned me off. He was also about as much man-candy as you are likely to get in a 62 year old man. He looked kind of like Mitt Romney crossed with Dick Cavett and he rode his bicycle 15 miles to work every day. He wore terrible middle-aged man office clothing, so it was like a superman reveal when he took his shirt off.

I am still engaged in garden project with my former 3rd partner (who also helped me out taking care of the property during my family crisis), and he still intermittently hits me up for sex, but since I have seen him making his playah play with other women while we have been out and about as friends, I am like "blech" on hitting it with him myself anymore, and I don't want to complicate our business relationship. Though it could happen, because it was pretty slammin' and he is super buff and he always offers me alcohol when I visit him.

Anyways, I have been in kind of a cruddy mood/mode lately, so I am teetering on decision matrix between continuing as poly, going back to monogamous or serial monogamous, or just becoming a celibate Pumpkin Lady Division member of Old Women Going Their Own Way. I feel like celibacy would be my best choice if I truly want to achieve my goal of something vaguely resembling FI by Harvest 2022. I will also have to break up with my primary partner if I straight-forwardly choose monogamy. I feel like I do have natural tendencies towards polyamory, because even my earliest sexual experiences were somewhat in that realm. When I was 14, I liked 3 different boys who ran in my neighborhood gang, and I ended up making out with the one who reminded me of Mick Jagger and the one who reminded me of John Travolta at the same time, until they broke it up due to homophobia. Also, just thinking about life-long monogamous commitment makes me feel trapped. This is true even though like most other females, I do not very much like having completely casual sex with strange men. I need some level of relationship, ongoing conversation, or narrative, and it is highly unlikely that I will give up the benefits usually included in long-term committed monogamous relationship without getting some in total equivalent in exchange. IOW, there's no way in hell I will respond positively to a phone call at 10 pm suggesting that I drive over to visit and pick up a pizza too.

Okay, done with me for the moment. Next time I post I will try to offer suggestions for you based on problems my male partners have had in finding or handling multiple partners. Obviously, due to economics of overall dating market, it is more difficult for men.

arcyallen
Posts: 86
Joined: Sat Jan 20, 2018 11:20 am

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by arcyallen » Thu Mar 21, 2019 6:21 am

Jin+Guice wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:34 pm
She dosen't have sex, in the traditional sense, as part of her sex work.
Alright, alright, I can't be the only person thinking this. What exactly is sex work with no sex?
Is she the sex clerk? "$20 for the oral, sir".
Does she set up and then clean the room afterward?
Is she just the whip holder, or the candle manipulator?
Or does she just dance?

On a side (primary) note, you don't sound very happy. Based on what you've said, even if you "got everything you wanted", it doesn't sound like that would bring you happiness either. While us strangers on ERE can bring you near-infinite wisdom, I'd strongly recommend talking with someone face to face. Maybe professionally. Maybe together with her, but only after you figure your own shit out. I'm a big believer that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself.

Jean
Posts: 1086
Joined: Fri Dec 13, 2013 8:49 am
Location: Switzterland

Re: Polyamory Support Group

Post by Jean » Thu Mar 21, 2019 6:37 am

Why can't you just be friends? Do you want to have kids together?
For 7w5 databas, i'm an XNTP (3out of 4 times, I test INTP, otherwise ENTP, rarely INFP), and I'm very jealous.

Post Reply