Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

What skills to learn, what tools to get
AxelHeyst
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Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

From the WL6>7 thread,
jennypenny wrote:
Mon May 31, 2021 3:13 pm
Yeah, but where are the threads discussing the intricacies of highly developed social capital (beyond amorous relationships)? I must have missed those.
Touché. Let's do this.

I'm interested in:
1) Stories/examples of how folks have employed high level social skills/capital, and what yields those skills/capital generated. Particularly where one could have employed a technical skill (fix leaky sink), but chose to employ social skill instead (did/called in a favor with a plumber friend). The idea here is to help forumites get a sense for ways social skills can be employed that they might not have considered before.
2) Thoughts and stories of how folks have developed high level social skills/capital. Books? Experience? Nature vs nurture? The use of social skill to develop social skill (i.e. by hanging out with a high-social-skill friend in order to learn methods)?
ETA 3) Mixing technical and social skills. (e.g.: social + cooking skills = start a "dinner and conversation nights" thing, which positions you as a social hub)

It occurs to me that it's important to be distinct about skill vs. capital vs. yields. Social skills are the means and methods one uses to develop social capital (yes?) or generate yields, skipping the generation of social capital. Also, social capital is not analogous to financial capital - for one thing it lacks fungibility. Someone had a great comment about social capital recently but I can't find it at the moment - anyone remember?

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Sclass »

I knew a college professor at a school where people worked their way through school taking night classes. He was good to his students and they were good to him.

He had a lot of connections to tradesmen, county workers, utility workers, hairdressers, waiters, bar tenders, strippers etc. who all were ex students. He always seemed to know somebody somewhere he could call for help.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Alphaville »

i have an uncle who is a doctor and people shower him with all manner of gifts and favors in gratitude for little favors he does for them

i used to know a famous novelist who always had someone willing to drive him around places

i know a casualty of a political witch hunt who was hidden by multiple friends from the persecution of a police state.

my father in law who is a person always willing to lend a hand has contacts with all kinds of people--from peasants to politicians--and always knows who to call for whatever needs to get done. he's even got a posse of younger dudes who look up to him /follow him as a mentor.

what i can gather from all of these examples is that none of those people are bean counters keeping tabs on what they owe/what they are owed but rather tend to be genuinely involved with people. they have real relationships they care about, and don't look at folks as a bank accounts or yields or stocks or whatever.

the partial exception maybe was the novelist who wasn't a helpful type person but really needed looking after (a lot of artists do). nevertheless he was a charming and erudite and hilarious guy whose company was its own reward. but still he'd always be willing to buy you a tasty meal or gift you a book or something to compensate you for your time, even if you'd willingly hang out with him.

this is just off the top of my head, i'm sure i can think of many more examples if i take a little time to think about it. i mean, so many things happen through personal contact...

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by jacob »

First and foremost---in case it's not obvious---it's crucial to realize that social capital is different from other capitals. I'd categorize it as an anti-rivalrous private good which in non-geek terms means it's like a club-membership which is valued according to how much one shows up and interacts. (One can be member of many such clubs, e.g. marriage is a club, family is another club, ..., even this forum is a kind of club).

The difference between an antirivalrous good like human connection and a rivalrous one like money is that the former grows more valuable the more often it is exchanged. E.g. one way the underclass creates it is by doing each other favors... the longer you've been watching out for each other, the stronger the bond. (The middle class has very little of this network since they insist on arms-length payments.)

I'd also note the difference between strong links and weak connections. The former tends to focus on support whereas the latter focuses on opportunity. My personal ratio here is like below average on the former and above average on the latter(*). The skills required here are also different.

(*) E.g. I'd stand a greater chance being offered a couch to sleep on/local guide in random country X than I do having someone help me pack when moving.

Ultimately, in general, capital is best developed if you're genuinely interested in it. For social capital, you just have to be inherently interested in people and in interacting with people a lot. Extroverts have a natural advantage and desire here. Introverts will easily get overwhelmed. This also means that people have very different needs for contact frequency. Some need to talk daily, others can go years.

Should also note something Peter Limberg hightlighted which is the difference between friends of virtue, friends of utility, and friends of pleasure. They're all good, but it's best if everybody is on the same page regarding the form.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

Alphaville wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 5:53 am
what i can gather from all of these examples is that none of those people are bean counters keeping tabs on what they owe/what they are owed but rather tend to be genuinely involved with people. they have real relationships they care about, and don't look at folks as a bank accounts or yields or stocks or whatever.
Just wanted to underline and +1 this. A bean counter method, or what I'll call an explicitly transactional approach, I think is poison to real and healthy social connections. People can smell that from a mile away and will avoid (or tolerate but despise) people like that.

The goal, then, is not to figure out how to best spreadsheet track one's social capital, but what are the best practices, strategies, mindsets, ways of thinking, methods, that are best for developing strong and healthy social networks/capital that are mutually beneficial, and suit one's temperament?

In my early 20's, my social skills were terrible. I intentionally, over years, developed my social skills to an average or above-average level, depending on context. In a sense, I approached my development from a self-centered perspective: "My life sucks because I don't know how to talk to people. What can I do to use* people in such a way as my life stops sucking so hard?"

*"use people" isn't how I thought about it, but in a way that's what I was doing. The "yield" I was aiming for was "fun/healthy relationships and a sense of belonging". In the process, I learned the skills that got and cultivated opportunities as well as allowed some amazing friendships to form. Now, those *people*, those friendships, are what I think about cultivating. The "yields" I get from them are incidental.

For example, a friend of mine is a shipping-container-dwelling PassivHaus-certified residential contractor. She's who I call whenever I have building envelope moisture barrier or construction detailing questions. But that's not *why* I invest time in our relationship. I just think she's awesome and my life is richer because she's in it; the free crits on my window penetration detailing is an incidental yield.

Another way to think of it: no one likes the stereotypical LA cocktail party conversation, where anyone you talk to is constantly looking over your shoulder to see if there's someone more important/popular they could be talking to instead. No one wants to feel like a rung.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

jacob wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 7:50 am
I'd also note the difference between strong links and weak connections. The former tends to focus on support whereas the latter focuses on opportunity. My personal ratio here is like below average on the former and above average on the latter(*). The skills required here are also different.
That distinction seems really valuable, I'd never made it before. I can see issues in my life stemming from not understanding the difference between the two (assuming the only acceptable relationship is Strong Link, I think). My ratio is opposite yours: a handful of strong links and few weak connections.

"Weak connection" relationships seem more amenable to a transactional-ish (but not cold) approach. Something like "Hey neat, you seem like a cool enough person, I'd trust you not to narc me out or screw me over, but because [reason: geography, time, not enough overlap, etc], it doesn't make sense to become a ride-or-die Strong Link with you. Fine. But I know what you're into and you know what I'm into, so if something pops up and you think of me give me a ring."

Where Strong Links are more of the "Call me at 0300 when you're freaking out about your SO" or whatever.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AnalyticalEngine »

AxelHeyst wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 9:00 am
In my early 20's, my social skills were terrible. I intentionally, over years, developed my social skills to an average or above-average level, depending on context. In a sense, I approached my development from a self-centered perspective: "My life sucks because I don't know how to talk to people. What can I do to use* people in such a way as my life stops sucking so hard?"
I'd be interesting in hearing more about your story with developing social skills. How did you go about doing it? How long did it take you? Were there any roadblocks you had to overcome?

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Alphaville »

AxelHeyst wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 9:00 am
Another way to think of it: no one likes the stereotypical LA cocktail party conversation, where anyone you talk to is constantly looking over your shoulder to see if there's someone more important/popular they could be talking to instead. No one wants to feel like a rung.
right, but those hierarchical business networks also have their place. not for friendship of course (although it may happen occasionally), but for business networking. and in that market context... one is rungs. it's okay if played as a game not an identity... but hard to have the detachment. "friendships of utility" i guess.

i'm not good at it btw-- i tend to get more personally involved. hard to tell what's what sometimes. but yes. like society balls.
Last edited by Alphaville on Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by daylen »

Like how our eyes use parallax to produce depth, agents can combine with parallax to produce depth in the ideological landscape. Thus, in some sense, other agents are like appendages that help us sense the current state of Earth.

It wouldn't seem all that useful to think of my legs as having a form of capital! Okay.. something is getting a little carried away categorically.. is that me? This becomes a tangle quick!

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Alphaville »

daylen wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:02 am
It wouldn't seem all that useful to think of my legs as a form of capital!
wait until they start to fail and suddenly they will come into an extremely sharp perspective as your dearest of extremities.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by daylen »

@Alphaville Only if I become an atomized body ready to be capitalized.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by theanimal »

-Provide value: The goal of the relationship itself isn't transactional. Don't befriend people just because they have things you want to use. See it more as an incidental part of the friendship. People can tell if you are using them and will show you the door or resent you for it. Providing value doesn't have to be something monetarily equivalent or material at all. For some it might just be spending time and giving them someone to talk to. For others it may be some baked goods or items you scored from your latest dumpster dive or some excess vegetable start that you're growing.

For example, I have a friend down the street from me who is a builder (houses) and has all kinds of tools. Pretty frequently I am borrowing one of his tools for more specialized projects or if mine is in a state of repair. I had a similar situation with a couple neighbors when I lived in the Arctic. I have nothing equivalent in monetary value that they'd be interested in borrowing. But I can provide conversation (ie an ear to listen), homemade food goods, personally sourced food goods, parts or anything else that I think they'd value. My neighbor considers me one of his best friends and my neighbor in the Arctic invited me over to dinner each week so things seem to be going well. The point of this isn't to only think of value, if you're doing that you're doing it wrong. But you can't ignore it either. One sided relationships don't usually last long.


-Do the opposite of what you feel like doing. Most people feel like talking about themselves or lecturing about some topic. Do not do that unless they are interested or you think you share a common interest. You are not going to agree with everyone and you do not need to necessarily make that known. Instead listen to what they have to say and try to find a common interest by asking questions.

-Avoid boring people. You can read this two ways.

-Read the book Impro by Keith Johnstone. This is an outstanding book for having good conversations.
-Read the book Nonviolent communication. Another great book for conversations and not being an asshole.

-Surprise gifts are always good. Remember what people say they want or need. I would encourage this to be homemade rather than bought. Get creative.

-Take initiative. Most people IME are bad at setting things up and getting together. Just ask if they want to do something on X day, sometime this week etc. It doesn't have to be anything big. As a kid you just call people and ask if they want to hang out, no plan. As an adult, many people think you have to have every single minute planned, go for a walk or meet at a park and let things flow from there. I guess a word of caution would be that I imagine some people you associate with may not be used to such things and not enjoy them as much. YMMV

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 9:27 am
I'd be interesting in hearing more about your story with developing social skills. How did you go about doing it? How long did it take you? Were there any roadblocks you had to overcome?
AnalyticalEngine wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 9:27 am
I'd be interesting in hearing more about your story with developing social skills. How did you go about doing it? How long did it take you? Were there any roadblocks you had to overcome?
Hopefully I can do this concisely (edit: ha!). Some context is relevant though first.

I was a gregarious and chatty kid. I was happy playing with my legos alone for hours, but I also loved spending lots of time with friends. Then my family moved to the ass end of nowhere and I had no friends from 13yo - ~16yo. (I was homeschooled as well, so no access to other kids). In retrospect, that was really hard for me. Then I got some friends through high school sports and did okay having friends. Then I went to college and went back to not really having friends. I was also borderline depressed, partly as a result of going through an extended crisis of faith and rejection of worldview, and had a bunch of unhealthy life practices (standard 18yo stuff like staying up all night reading about how f'ed society is), and I used not having friends and being lonely as an "excuse" for downward-spiraling dark moods and anger indulgence, which obviously didn't help me make any friends.

That context is intended to communicate that I don't think I was *naturally* socially deficient. I am, and was, emotionally and psychologically sensitive and aware enough to be able to basically read emotions. I'm not on the spectrum and didn't have any other biological/psychological challenges to overcome wrt social skills. My social deficiencies as a 18-22yo were a result of experiences: having few friends from 12.5 - 16yo, and then having moderate circumstantial mental health issues from 17-20 yo, and being homeschooled k-12, all of which contributed to their being some very large "gaps" in my social skills.

Honestly, wanting to have adequate enough social skills to get laid every once in a while on purpose was also a big source of motivation. So by about 21/22yo, I'm fed up with myself and decide to figure out how to make friends and talk to people. Not in any particular order, these are the things I did or that happened to me that helped increase my social skills:

1) I read a *lot* of books and blogs. Most of them in the beginning were about "how to talk to girls", ranging from garbage PUA stuff to solid stuff that I still recommend like Mark Manson's Models, but there were many general soft skills books in there as well. From this reading I realized that hygiene, grooming and fashion choices were a form of social conversation that by ignoring I was demonstrating brash ignorance, sort of like TYPING ONLY IN ALL CAPS ON THE INTERNET. I also developed a more nuanced understanding of what "confidence" is, why smiling is useful, started a list of things that make people uncomfortable, how to think from someone else's perspective, started to understand biological vs. socialized differences between men and women, learned about cognitive biases (the fundamental attribution error, etc), and methods of persuasion that e.g. salespeople use (Cialdini). I read books that had actual exercises for me ("Say hi to ten women today without being a creep about it") and ones that were heavy on theory. I still read books on this, by the way, that's never stopped just slowed.

2) In my 4th (of 5) year at university, I reconnected with a highly social female friend from 1st year and I basically did a ride-along with her to the bars and house parties 2-4 nights a week for six months. For whatever reason she enjoyed my company, and so I put in a lot of time just being in highly social environments with social adept people. This got me over a lot of social anxiety because I just got used to being out. I was extremely quiet but her friends just got used to me being around and not saying much.

3) I got a girlfriend at 22yo. It was a terrible relationship, more like a three year long disaster, but I treated it like an education. I ruminated over every fight, thought carefully about every shitty thing she said about me, thought hard if my words and actions were fair or unfair, trying to puzzle out why she did the things she did, trying to figure out why when she did/said X I felt Y (or nothing, and what that might mean...). I actually do this with all of my relationships, including friends and one-off interactions. My mind won't leave an interaction alone until I've convinced myself that I understand what happened, or have identified the general genre of knowledge I need to go research. This requires me to construct a mental model of the other's person's mind. On that note...

4.a) My dad is emotionally oblivious, but has trigger points himself (e.g. he accuses everyone else of being too sensitive, but if you say the wrong thing he'll blow up and not even realize he's yelling). One of my childhood survival mechanisms was learning where his trigger points were, and making sure to steer clear of them. Essentially, I developed a highly sensitive ability to perceive what was going on in his head. I then leveled up to being able to observe someone *else* having a conversation with him, seeing five steps ahead that they were headed for one of his trigger points, and developing the ability to enter the conversation and steer it around the danger zone without either other party knowing what I was doing. I could also talk him down from an outburst if he did get triggered, and I knew how to smooth and explain an outburst to other people who didn't understand as well what had just happened. When I was a kid I didn't realize I was doing this. As an adult, once I started developing the ability to construct mental models of people other than my dad, I became able to do the same thing with anyone I had an accurate enough mental map of.

4.b) As a result of this, I assume everyone I meet has trigger points. I don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt that they're a psychologically healthy person. An implicit goal of my interactions with them is to ascertain where those trigger points are without poking. As a result, I tend to be a very "safe" person to interact with. I rarely challenge people, and in fact I actively ask questions trying to elicit recollections of positive experiences. I used to be conflict avoidant to the point it was unhealthy. Now I'm... aware of my old conflict avoidant tendencies, and on a good day I do "active conflict management", meaning, if I think conflict is the healthy thing to let happen, I let it happen and lean in to it.

5) Several opportunities for public speaking. I actually started public speaking as an 8yo in 4H, took an "Oral performance of literature" class in college, and continued doing public speaking during my career. I highly recommend taking advantage of any opportunities to speak publicly. Read a few books - "The Naked Presenter" and "Resonate" are excellent to read even if you don't have a presentation coming up, the first in particular.

I feel like I was basically socially adept by my mid 20's. So it took 3 or so years to go from deficient to acceptable. My experience of it was "bewildered and totally confused about other people" to "okay I understand the gist of why people act they way they do, and have a pretty good sense of how to act to get what I want".

I think a key is that I put a lot of effort into creating mental models of other people's minds. I'm intensely curious about why people say and do the things they do, and I find the ability to accurately predict or explain people's behavior deeply satisfying (from 4.a, it makes sense that I'm into this because it was how I avoided pain as a kid). As a partner, I find the ability extremely useful in cultivating a healthy relationship. On the flip side, I can find people who lack this ability to be deeply frustrating. There are few things in this world that infuriate me as much as an emotional solipsist, or rather someone oblivious to other people's perspectives (this also follows from 4.a...). Combine this ability with my tendency towards conflict avoidance, and I often feel like the Catcher in the Rye (or the Lone Cat Herder, or the adult day care proctor, or...). This is one reason why social engagement takes energy from me and I skew introvert: I'm on alert to make sure that No One Gets Hurt by That One Guy who Means Well but Is an Idiot and Doesn't Realize When he's Being a Bull in a China Shop.

As far as roadblocks, the biggest hurdle was that initially, I felt so deficient socially that I was just clueless. I didn't have any way "in", it was all just a black box of mystery to me. There was nothing for me to analyze because it was all too far over my head. I know some people still stuck there, it's sad. The books helped build up my theory to the point I could start drawing connections between observations and theory, but also that period of my friend dragging me to all the bars worked as a sort of exposure therapy and gave me a lot of grist to work with.

Also, an initial roadblock was my anxiety and low self-esteem. I was terrified of saying stupid or hurtful things (it was a legit fear). Again, my friend dragging me to the bars for six months helped just shove me through that - partly because I was able to look at my life and say "hey, I'm spending a TON of time with other people, and no one has kicked me out yet, I must be sort of okay as a human being". It helped boost my esteem enough that I could kind of take over from that point and self-direct.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

I think because I come off as a pleasant person IRL, people are mostly amused by my overtly transactional social banter.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by ertyu »

Readinh AH's post above, it struck me that the reason why my social skills are underdeveloped is that part of me sees social skills as something manipulative, and being manipulative is a core anti-value of mine. So when AH says, "how to act to get what I want," my first reaction for some reason is to bristle up. Took me a while to clock, "wait, if authentic relationships are something you want ... you also need to act in a certain way .... in order to get authentic relationships -- that thing you want." Blind spot uncovered. Thanks.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Alphaville »

daylen wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 10:14 am
@Alphaville Only if I become an atomized body ready to be capitalized.
isn't the idea of capital atomizing in itself, though?

"i" (who?) "have" (things)

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by AxelHeyst »

<3. I had that blind spot too. (It's maybe analogous to having a "money is evil" anti-value, which tends to lead one to always be scraping for cash and perversely spending a lot of effort on money issues).
--//--
Adding to the transactionality thread - one way to think about social transactionality is to invert it: give in order to get. Example: I find that when I'm really focused on what *I* want in terms of adult fun with my gf, I usually wind up not really getting it to the level I want. But when I invert that, and focus mainly on how I can surprise and delight *her*, it usually winds up that I receive carnal satisfaction in excess of my imagination. The trick, of course, is not to give *because* you want to get, but rather to let go of getting because you know it'll take care of itself if you just focus on giving.

"Give first, let go of getting" is a powerful social heuristic I think. You can employ it even if you don't necessarily believe it - if you can pull off adhering to it without being a surly cur, the results will make you a believer. It's also closely related to "the world doesn't owe you anything" and "also the world isn't out to get you" and also "you tend to attract that which you project". That last one can be demonstrated easily: spend a day interacting with people while scowling, slouching, and grumbling monosyllabically when addressed. Then spend a day smiling at everything, including yapping dogs and screaming babies, shoulders back, and gently but brightly asking people how their day is going and wishing them well.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by Ego »

I think maybe this is somewhat similar to the recurring problem we have in the various marriage and relationship threads like this one....
viewtopic.php?f=16&t=10866

Perhaps it is the difference between doing something to get something vs. doing something to build something. In this case building a friendship where social capital is a fringe benefit rather than the goal.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by ertyu »

Ego wrote:
Tue Jun 01, 2021 3:58 pm
Perhaps it is the difference between doing something to get something vs. doing something to build something. In this case building a friendship where social capital is a fringe benefit rather than the goal.
This is often complicated by the fact that even if people don't deliberately set out to "do something to get something," they still make implicit contracts in their heads without telling the other guy about it. The classic example is the "nice guy/gal" whose texts get dragged all over the internet on a regular basis. You ask that guy/gal, s/he does nice things for a potential partner because s/he wants to build something. But if the intended partner isn't interested, the vitriol comes out: insults, hate, "men/women only date whores/jerks," etcetera. The other person was held to the implicit contract, I will do nice things for you and in return you're gonna like me. The only catch is, they were never aware, and never agreed.

That's the trap of "give first," there's people who will push nice things and favors onto you in order to trap you into a relationship of some sort - be it a friendship or a romantic relationship or an exchange of favors etc.(*) So, in addition to letting go of implicit contracts and expectations of reciprocation, one has to be careful that one doesn't try to ooze one's fixer tendencies onto another person's life in an unsolicited fashion. I have fixer tendencies and I've caught myself doing this. Find myself a hot mess and start fixing (often blinded by their attractiveness, too). The implicit contract is, I'm going to work very hard on fixing you, and then you'll love me and work very hard on fixing me and meeting all my needs. Except that's not how it turns out in real life. In real life, you've gotten into yet another drama-filled, often abusive mess of a relationship with someone who often turns out to have personality problems, addictions, and whatnot else. I first caught it when it comes to romantic relationships, but if I let myself go unchecked I would also get invested into being a good listener, etc. for my buddies and then wonder why when I need someone to listen to me, those guys are nowhere to be found. Magic and magical thinking don't work. "Give first" is good, let go of expectations is good, but check that you've really done so -- that you're not "fixing" or pouring energy into a bucket with a hole at the bottom then wondering why there's never anything to drink when you're thirsty.

(*) Bonus points for then turning around and complaining to anyone that would listen about how much they helped X person in their hour of need, but how X person was a jerk and never reciprocated.

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Re: Methods and examples of highly developed social capital

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

“ertyu” wrote: Find myself a hot mess and start fixing (often blinded by their attractiveness, too).
Right, and you were also blinded to the realization that their attractiveness was the complementary vacuum to your fixing or provision of emotional support. Once you fully expose this blind spot you realize that for many humans, just like you, attractiveness naturally brings out the urge to provide practical or emotional support. Ergo, if what you want is a more natural flow of practical and/or emotional support from others then you will be best served by direct work on making yourself more attractive to such behavior. Basically, you want to practice exuding more boyish vulnerability and charm. One specific exercise might be applying insight to mimicking the behavior of a happy puppy.

Another example of this would be that women often make the mistake of adopting Katherine Hepburn like style of flirtation by verbally challenging men when soft receptive posture is more likely to actually garner the behavior they actually are seeking. This really clicked with me after reading Deida’s note that placing hands on his waist would not be my natural response to man placing hands on my waist. So, when I can or must be bothered to think about it, if what I want is to feel a firm grip on my waist, what I do is swoon a bit when I thank him for dinner or coffee with kiss on the cheek.

Another simple example not in the realm of the amorous would be the routine of exuded dominance I engage in order to attempt to quickly gain some degree of authority over class of children I am teaching for the first time. The important note is that behaviors that may at first be overt practices to attract natural responses do eventually become your own second nature in the appropriate setting once you recognize their effectiveness and they become more habitual. The less effective more “natural “ or “authentic” behaviors you might have previously exhibited in such circumstances will then become what you think of as your naive or lazy or stress-induced or semi-consciously covert behaviors. And there is no end to this, layers upon layers upon layers.

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