jennypenny said: I don't have the body to look like that photo, but I've got the accoutrements.
lol- I figured you would have the accoutrements. I have to re-center on the fact that the reason why I joined this forum in the first place was that I need to improve my "adult masculine" functioning. I am not going to be able to achieve MY goals or complete MY projects if I am not able to exert more self-discipline, authority in relationship to others and maintain stronger boundaries. Since I am even more impressionable than most people, I find a bit of "costuming" and/or "posturing" helpful. I subscribe to this sort of mish-mash simplified Jungian archetype behavioral modification model towards personal growth. When I started in therapy, I was comfortable or felt natural in my adult-feminine and juvenile-masculine energies, but not in my juvenile feminine or adult masculine energies. I have been comfortable in my juvenile feminine energy for a number of years now, but I am still somewhat blocked to my adult masculine energy. It suddenly dawned on me that I have been trying to move towards my adult masculine quadrant by starting in my juvenile masculine quadrant, and I haven't been very successful with that, so maybe I ought to try to move towards my adult masculine quadrant from my adult feminine quadrant. Thus, the "costume" above.
I went from being a very skinny kid with severe asthma to 5'9" and everybody thought I looked like I was a fully formed 19 in just a year or two. When I was 13 I looked like an adult woman, and tried to behave like one, but there was another girl on my street who was a skinny little jock, and she would whip icy snowballs at me on the way to school. It was so frustrating for me because I knew that I could just smush her like a bug because she was so much smaller than me, but I was no longer allowed to behave in that manner. The societal rules were massively reinforced in my personal realm, because I had a mother who was subject to bi-polar rages. She would go on shopping binges, were not at all unlike drinking binges, and then fly into fits when she ran out of money or suddenly realized that the home she had neglected was now a mess. Since, although very intelligent and well-educated, she was from a working class background and my father was from an upper middle-class background, the message I received over and over again from my only functional parent, was "Be a gentlewoman. Be a lady." or, "Be gentle, like a woman is supposed to be. Don't be like your mother." Luckily, my working class maternal grandmother who was sort of a more sexy Rosie-the-Riveter type was also a loving presence in my life, so I did have another model. She was hot-tempered (but never with me), liked to bet on the ponies, drank beer with her brothers, had husbands and lovers, took me to the black-market basement beauty parlor where she had her hair colored bright strawberry blonde, and refused to move out of the little house she bought for herself even when the neighborhood became very dangerous. IOW, she had a lot of what I would call "juvenile masculine" or "fun, adventurous, independent" energy, but she died broke, because she couldn't maintain her own boundaries when it came to gambling or her personal boundaries in relationship to her bad-seed son (my half-uncle.)
Anyways, I don't want to end up married again just because I was so well-trained for the "gentle-woman" role, and I don't want to end up like my grandmother either. I want to have my own realm or domain, and I want to have strong, but not rigid, boundaries. That's what I think the "costume" above communicates. If I think that is what I look like, or what I want to look like, then that is how I will behave, and that is what I will bring into existence through my behavior. A person who is somewhat hesitant to wear high-heeled boots in public because she thinks she looks "too dominant" when she does that, should not try to make herself more acceptably tiny by dieting to reduce mass. The fact that I am on the right track now was completely reinforced for me when one of my lovers, upon being informed that I was going to embark on a strength-training mission, said "I don't want to see you with more muscles." and I was like "Uh-huh, right, gotcha. Gracious, gentle and pretty. That's the costume that's buying me this 'free' dinner. " I am so over it.