Hi everybody,
I am a Boston native and resident & have been thinking about out-of-state relocation. However, I am definitely struggling with whether this a good move. I am hoping those of you who have made major moves in midlife can offer me some feedback. Here is some background. I am 48-years old. Boston is a high COL area. I bike/walk/use public transit to get to work, shop at discount stores/Amazon/EBay/Savers/Craig’s List but haven’t really made much headway against $40,000 in public & private student loans. I have 2 kids ages 9 and 3.5. The 3 year old is full time in pre-school on my dime & the 9 year old gets extended day programming also o my dime.
My wife and I both work. We are in agreement that her $800k house with its $500k mortgage should be rented or sold. My wife owns the house. Unfortunately, she is spendy and plans to rent the house out until the 3 year old completes full-time preschool, than move back to the house. I disagree and want to move either to a smaller house in a walkable Boston suburb on a permanent basis or relocate. (We have had increasing disagreements about money in recent years as I have become less consumerist and she has not. She is only on board with renting our current place because she can now see she is going broke & will be unable to make payments on her $500,000 mortgage.) The marriage has a lot of other problems. I am wondering if relocating might be a means to separate without having to involve the legal system. (I am broke and would rather avoid the legal fees. Her entire family is composed of lawyers which makes a possible divorce unusually risky.)
If I moved, I am not sure what happens to the kiddies. Our town (and nearby suburbs) have outstanding schools and I would hate for the children to lose access to them. The kids are pretty mommycentric & would likely want to stay with her if we separated. I want to help them grow up but am worn down by endless fights with my wife.
I will add that I have an autoimmune disorder and a ton of spin-off conditions from that disorder. It is a safe bet that the stress of working at unsatisfying jobs, financial stress, etc., is negatively impacting my health. A reduced-stress level could go a long ways towards mitigating my symptoms. Right now, I am working part-time because medically I was struggling with working full-time. Reduced work is helping me to reverse what had been a declining medical situation but is making an already bad financial situation much worse.
In terms of work, the local market offers some opportunity but there are definite limits to that opportunity. If I want to advance in my field, enjoy much greater mobility/security, or obtain more interesting work, I would be much better off in the Washington DC area. (I doubt that would help my COL issue.) Alternatively, I could work remotely or work/live in a low COL city, hopefully pulling in a comparable salary to my current one. (I have had no luck landing remote jobs.) Maybe then I could get some money in the bank.
I view my current job as unstable and transitional. I don’t feel much attachment to it beyond my boss who is a really good guy. He has been much more flexible around medical issues and childcare than my previous boss at my old job.
My family is local to Boston. My mom is in her early 80s but still has good health & all of her faculties. If possible I would like to keep a close relationship with her during her remaining good years & be available as caregiver as she ages.
I am unsure whether to aim for a big city or a small one. I have generally been happy in major urban centers: I like the cultural options, career opportunities, walkability, etc. I have been unhappy living in two smaller cities because they lacked those options. However, small cities often have a low COL, which I need if I am ever going to put away some money. I ought to add that I hate snow and cold (it aggravates some of my medical issues) and would be open to a warm/sunny locale. (I don’t want the desert or mountains as the altitude and dry air would aggravate some of my medical problems.)
Sorry for the long post. My New Year’s resolution is to get a grip on these problems. So what should I do: move locally? Move to a far-away big city? What about the family issues? If you have faced similar issues, what did you do? How did it work out?
Relocation & a Tangle of Issues
Re: Relocation & a Tangle of Issues
Hi Brookline,
I have no advice to offer but the following may be helpful:
In my life I have always put my kids first,by this I mean keeping as strong a relationship as possible with them.Also protect them as much as possible from any anxiety from parental disputes.
I always project into the future when they are 18/21 years and I want to have absolutely no doubt that I did the absolute best that I could have IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES.I want to have no regrets in this area.
A close second or maybe also first is your health.Protect this as best you can.
Then fit in all the rest.
Simplify everything down to a few priorities and accept that you cannot control the other things.Let the chips fall where they will BUT at least you will have the most important things covered as best you can.
Sometimes things we worry about have an amazing way of working out if we just accept that we can not control them.
I have no advice to offer but the following may be helpful:
In my life I have always put my kids first,by this I mean keeping as strong a relationship as possible with them.Also protect them as much as possible from any anxiety from parental disputes.
I always project into the future when they are 18/21 years and I want to have absolutely no doubt that I did the absolute best that I could have IN MY CIRCUMSTANCES.I want to have no regrets in this area.
A close second or maybe also first is your health.Protect this as best you can.
Then fit in all the rest.
Simplify everything down to a few priorities and accept that you cannot control the other things.Let the chips fall where they will BUT at least you will have the most important things covered as best you can.
Sometimes things we worry about have an amazing way of working out if we just accept that we can not control them.
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steelerfan
- Posts: 127
- Joined: Wed Feb 27, 2013 3:33 pm
Re: Relocation & a Tangle of Issues
I am assuming option 3 - working it out with your wife is off the table. I have read your post several times and have written stuff only to delete it. I am not sure what your question really is. Nominally you are asking should you move out and stay close to be around your mom and kids or do you want to move away somewhere warm and sunny. I think you are seeking validation for leaving your family from a bunch of strangers on the internet.
If you want to have a relationship with your kids ongoing and down the road you will have to stay close. If you want to be around for your mom you will have to stay close. I don’t get the feeling that the kids are that big of a factor given that you are even entertaining a long distance move and given that you only allotted a few sentences out of a multi paragraph post. But I could be wrong as I don’t know you. Of those statements made about them 1) costs were on your dime and 2) they are mommy centric. If you want to stay in their lives (A big if) having moved out you will have to fight like hell to keep yourself relevant to them. If your wife were so inclined she could frame your departure in a way that they will hate you.
None of this matters if you don’t want to be there. You did not provide info about how the income in your household is earned. Can you make it alone? Can your wife/kids? If you do this have you had enough conversations with your wife about how this would go down? Is she even aware you are planning to leave? If she isn’t she and her family of lawyers could make things difficult.
I get it that you are unwell and that you seem to feel that you are trapped in a box and your marriage situation may be untenable. You have to consider your health - mental and physical because if you are dead it doesn’t matter. There are a lot of Harry Browne people around that would say do what you need to do. I am not one of them. When you have kids your total freedom is pushed back for a time and at least minimal responsibility takes over. And just because your wife is not on board with an ERE mindset by itself should not kill your marriage. If you need you should leave because the family needs to move on as well. Just don’t count on making a grand re-entrance back in their lives down the road if you get lonely because that ship will have sailed.
I doubt I told you what you want to hear but I wish you well for all concerned...Good luck.
If you want to have a relationship with your kids ongoing and down the road you will have to stay close. If you want to be around for your mom you will have to stay close. I don’t get the feeling that the kids are that big of a factor given that you are even entertaining a long distance move and given that you only allotted a few sentences out of a multi paragraph post. But I could be wrong as I don’t know you. Of those statements made about them 1) costs were on your dime and 2) they are mommy centric. If you want to stay in their lives (A big if) having moved out you will have to fight like hell to keep yourself relevant to them. If your wife were so inclined she could frame your departure in a way that they will hate you.
None of this matters if you don’t want to be there. You did not provide info about how the income in your household is earned. Can you make it alone? Can your wife/kids? If you do this have you had enough conversations with your wife about how this would go down? Is she even aware you are planning to leave? If she isn’t she and her family of lawyers could make things difficult.
I get it that you are unwell and that you seem to feel that you are trapped in a box and your marriage situation may be untenable. You have to consider your health - mental and physical because if you are dead it doesn’t matter. There are a lot of Harry Browne people around that would say do what you need to do. I am not one of them. When you have kids your total freedom is pushed back for a time and at least minimal responsibility takes over. And just because your wife is not on board with an ERE mindset by itself should not kill your marriage. If you need you should leave because the family needs to move on as well. Just don’t count on making a grand re-entrance back in their lives down the road if you get lonely because that ship will have sailed.
I doubt I told you what you want to hear but I wish you well for all concerned...Good luck.
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jennypenny
- Posts: 6858
- Joined: Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:20 pm
Re: Relocation & a Tangle of Issues
I'm sorry about your troubles, brookline. Are you looking for a way to work things out, or are you looking for a way to end things? I can't tell. I'll assume you want to work things out ...
Have you thought about being a SAH parent for a while? Could that be worked out? It might relieve some health stress on you. It would also help lower expenses (for the household and kids). If you stopped working, would that also make you eligible for student loan deferment? (I have no idea how that works.) I don't know how your wife would feel about you not working. Maybe you could compromise and live in the house she wants to live in but quit work and be the SAH parent? Then you'd both get something out of the arrangement.
If you want to work it out you have to compromise with her, especially if you're the one who's changed your view on issues like consumerism. You can't really expect your partner to change with you. I think all you can hope for is that they are willing to try and find a compromise that works for both people. If she's really running the finances into the ground however, she needs to make adjustments. That might require a financial counselor or marriage counselor.
If the relationship isn't working and money is a symptom of that, then I understand wanting to end it. If you're putting money and anti-consumerism ahead of your relationship though, then I think your priorities might need some adjusting. Obviously, it's hard to tell which it is from one post. Either way, if your relationship with your kids is the most important thing to you, don't let money get in the way of it. Work things out. Get a family counselor if you need one. Sometimes it comes down to a choice between compromising to maintain the relationships or being "right" and alone.
I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh. I don't mean it that way at all. You're in a tough spot. I also can't imagine going through the parent-of-small-children phase and the midlife-crisis phase at the same time. (I'm 49) Add in health problems and money issues, and it's no wonder the weight of it all is getting to you. If I were you, I'd talk to a counselor before making any big decisions.
Have you thought about being a SAH parent for a while? Could that be worked out? It might relieve some health stress on you. It would also help lower expenses (for the household and kids). If you stopped working, would that also make you eligible for student loan deferment? (I have no idea how that works.) I don't know how your wife would feel about you not working. Maybe you could compromise and live in the house she wants to live in but quit work and be the SAH parent? Then you'd both get something out of the arrangement.
If you want to work it out you have to compromise with her, especially if you're the one who's changed your view on issues like consumerism. You can't really expect your partner to change with you. I think all you can hope for is that they are willing to try and find a compromise that works for both people. If she's really running the finances into the ground however, she needs to make adjustments. That might require a financial counselor or marriage counselor.
If the relationship isn't working and money is a symptom of that, then I understand wanting to end it. If you're putting money and anti-consumerism ahead of your relationship though, then I think your priorities might need some adjusting. Obviously, it's hard to tell which it is from one post. Either way, if your relationship with your kids is the most important thing to you, don't let money get in the way of it. Work things out. Get a family counselor if you need one. Sometimes it comes down to a choice between compromising to maintain the relationships or being "right" and alone.
I hope that doesn't come across as too harsh. I don't mean it that way at all. You're in a tough spot. I also can't imagine going through the parent-of-small-children phase and the midlife-crisis phase at the same time. (I'm 49) Add in health problems and money issues, and it's no wonder the weight of it all is getting to you. If I were you, I'd talk to a counselor before making any big decisions.