Sociopath female boss

[FBeyer]

@Dave
Maybe I have been unlucky thus far? I have worked blue collar my entire life where lots of behavior I've encountered would never pass the office test so maybe I'm projecting, I don't know. ..

If US blue collar is anything like EU blue collar, then I understand why you're projecting. Craftsmen aren't human beings to be handled by an HR department, they are meat machines and are to be treated as such. Office environments are vastly different from blue collar jobs.
Well, SOME office environments are vastly different... But in general construction is run by megalomaniac architects and douchebag engineers.

[jennypenny]

She sounds like a narcissist. In addition to Dragline's recommendations, I'll add Craig Malkin's new book Rethinking Narcissism. He has a chapter on dealing with malignant narcissists in the workplace.

[BlueNote]

Most of the bosses I have worked for were good people and easy to get along with. I have had a few bosses who exhibited bad behaviour, some similar to the OP's boss. In all cases I pretty much had to learn how to get along or quit, in one case I quit. The filters I once employed to get along with people's bad behaviour at work are starting to break down as a result of having FU money. I find myself providing a simple 'No' to many requests, it's actually funny to see peoples reactions when I do this. They're used to getting the run-around where someone will respond with an "I'll look into it" and then proceed to never look into it and hope the request just dies. I'll just say 'No' and provide a brief explanation of why (like 'No, I'm not a secretary so can you please schedule your own meetings", or "No, you don't have a business case so I'm not doing that").

[Shep]

My questions:
How do you, or how would you, deal with her? I've done some googling but I'm interested in your points of view as well.
I'm also wondering if anyone have any experience at all with sociopaths? This is the first one I've encountered since childhood.
And if you were to explain to me how a sociopath's mind works, how would you explain it?
[/quote]

I'm late to this thread but wanted to post as I have dealt w/this many time in my career with both genders. Best advice, buy the book "Primal Leadership," that talks about this very topic that is more pervasive than you might think and offers some good solution in dealing with it or at least surviving it with minimal damage until you either find a new boss or a new job. Sociopaths almost never get fired or leave.

Let us know how you're doing if you catch this.

[Farm_or]

Bad bosses. They were so common in my career that they are a major source of stories on my blog.
And that was only one of my coping strategies.

1) writing stories to myself. Later on I could see the ridiculous as humorous. Think Dilbert.

2) develop alternative. You must have hope for the future. No matter your job, you are ultimately an independent contractor. Bad bosses can be an excellent catalyst for a very positive change!

3) This too shall pass. In my experience, good bosses lasted on average a couple of years. Bad bosses lasted twice as long because fewer people want them.

4) Learn personality stereo-types. When I learned ​ to blame personality traits instead of the person, it made things easier to understand. It also helped me tailor my approach to them.

5) Don't add to the muck. Stake out the high ground.

[wood]

Let us know how you're doing if you catch this.

I recently read Emotional Vampires (Bernstein) and diagnosed my boss as the obsessive-compulsive type (perfectionist). The book lists a number of ways to deal with these types, e.g.
- ask for what you want directly
- don't critisize them
- keep your eyes on, and negotiate for, product rather than focusing on process. These types have problems separating the two.
- demand priorities, because they tend to demand "all at once"
- show some appreciation (kiss ass)
- don't expect apologies
- don't take anything personally
- if they insult you, you need to tell them how you feel and what you want without accusing them of any wrongdoing
- pick your battles
- choose your words as carefully as you pick your battles
- ignore tantrums
- watch their actions, not their words

Actually, the above is part of a list I've made for myself to remind myself how to deal with my boss. I go through it whenever I need to bring something up with her. Some of the things are true with many people in general and all of them fit the OC type. Upon reading the book I realized I had already figured alot of this out, so the book served to confirm some of my ideas. Still, it was a huge eye opener.

Bottom line is its mostly about my own mentality. I steer away from most interactions with my boss and try enjoy time with colleagues and appreciate my situation (safe job, ok salary, 1st world country). As Farm_or wrote above, try look at it as a Dilbert comic and it won't feel as dreadful.

[Shep]

Great news on your progress! Learning to deal with difficult Bosses - and there may be many on the road to FI/ERE - is a highly valuable skill and sharing your learnings I'm sure will help many others.

[Lillailler]

I strongly agree with what ffj said a little up-thread

It comes down to what part you can control and not focus on the things that don't matter. Whether she earns her paycheck or not is irrelevant, also her personal life. I can assure you everybody is aware of her horrible behavior but don't care enough at this point to do anything about it. So, that leaves the only part you can control, which is how one responds and reacts to her behavior.

My own tips are:
1. Start looking for another job now.
2. Don’t try to manage this woman’s behavior, that is her manager’s job. If her manager won’t do his job, you surely can’t do it for him.
3. Manage your responses to her. State the facts but never argue against her. Don’t give her any emotional energy to feed off. Your normal demeanour should be completely unresponsive, maybe a puzzled frown sometimes. Sociopaths who don’t get any reward from messing with a normal will sometimes get bored and look for other prey.
4. Be very vigilant, especially in terms of IT security – you don’t want to find damaging material planted on your PC – and things like strict adherence to working hours, records of tasks accepted and completed, and meticulous detailing of expense claims.
5. If offered another job, take it.

[CS]

The fact that instead of just listing "sociopath boss", you listed "sociopath woman boss", as if it was a double negative, makes me think you are part of the problem (i.e. showing some sort of resentment over having a female boss).