Dealing with abuse at work

Hacking employment, improving work, professional development
platypus
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by platypus » Fri Apr 19, 2019 5:47 pm

I think Edith's advice is excellent. In your exact situation, I've used, "Hookers are expensive, man. Gotta save pennies somewhere."

Or pull a Marcus Aurelius: "I'm glad you disapprove; it tells me that I'm making good choices."

Grinning is mandatory with either response.

Frita
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Frita » Fri Apr 19, 2019 8:38 pm

Look at him, pause and give him an incredulous look, say nothing, and go about your business. He was to get a reaction from you. Don’t waste your time with this junior high behavior.

Sclass
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Sclass » Fri Apr 19, 2019 9:27 pm

I vote for do nothing. Not that it’ll make him stop, or not that it will give him satisfaction. Simply, you don’t have energy to waste on this. You are now distracted and riled up. Stick with your plan. One day, when you are a wealthy individual, you’ll look back on this and laugh. You’ll even be able to find this guy and ask him how his job is going on LinkedIn. Make sure to tell him you’re retired and rich. How’s that for satisfaction?

Long Sclass story here. I’ve done just that. About twenty years ago I had a really jealous coworker. He liked to compare our cars. He liked to ask where I bought my furniture. He even mentioned that I brought egg salad sandwiches four days in a row. His point was always that he had better taste than me, spent more than me, etc.

The guy was also very uneasy about the savers in our office. In moments of weakness he’d confess he and his wife had saved almost nothing. Then he’d attack the big savers as miserly fools. He’d always try to encourage us to make big expenditures on things like new cars. Even though he drove his dad’s hand me down car, he always said “hey Sclass that thing is getting old...it’s probably pretty unreliable now. Are you going to trade up soon?” When one guy actually traded up to a $30k car he was visibly happy. I think he wanted to see the savers set back a few spaces on the board. I recall him being irritated that I paid less for my housing and he’d yell “you’re saving up for a big house right Sclass?!” He seemed to be scared he’d be beaten in some materialistic pursuit.

I mean that was just sick. It’s one thing to want a better car. It’s another to want your coworker to buy an expensive one so he’ll be set back the depreciation. Schadenfreude.

There’s some kind of connection between envious types and nosy types. He was both.

The guy spent a ton of energy on knowing what everyone else was doing financially. When you didn’t tell him or he found out by himself, he’d get upset. Not quite your sack lunch bully but I suspect he shared some DNA. Unfortunately my coworker didn’t spend much time investing or saving. He must have felt very insecure and inadequate.

So that brings us to today. He is still an engineer at age 50. Same company. I noticed he stalks me on LinkedIn every six months. Profile views. Note we haven’t worked together for 13 years. He really made me miserable back then with all his backhanded insults and I was unhappy that he was still lurking around. So finally I offered to link with him. He linked but didn’t respond to me. I messaged him noting I saw his hits on my profile year after year. I asked what he’d been doing. He coyly replied and said he was working for our old employer.

I told him I was retired. I’ve never gotten another line from him even though I asked him about his job and what kinds of things he was interested in. No response.

The guy was a total jerk. And while I could have fought back against him or lashed at him with some nasty comebacks 13 years ago, I decided to just work on building my wealth.

So that is my long way of saying quit wasting your time and stay on target. This is a distraction. Maybe I should message that jackass tonight. I wonder what I should ask him.

Seppia
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Seppia » Sat Apr 20, 2019 1:11 am

I would agree with sclass.

I would think your guy is probably insecure, or in a bad financial situation, but that is not the point.
I think this is a good opportunity to grow as a person: learning not to be distracted or annoyed by this would be my goal.
If you think about this situation rationally, it’s a very minor nuisance.

I used to become angry when I saw people being mean for no apparent reason, but with time I realized that most of times these guys/gals just have a very miserable life as their behavior is a reflection of them being very uncomfortable in their own skin.
Now I’m usually sorry for them.

One possible reaction that would be very humiliating for him would be one day to take a number of coworkers out for lunch (including him) and say something like
“I save so I’m able to do something specific every time, this last month I really wanted to put the money aside to bring you out to lunch to show you gratitude for your help in the workplace”.

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Dream of Freedom
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Dream of Freedom » Sat Apr 20, 2019 4:23 am

You could also increase how fancy your meals are and rub it in. "I'm having some sirloin steak and steamed asparagus with garlic parmesan hollandaise sauce. What are you having?"

TopHatFox
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by TopHatFox » Sat Apr 20, 2019 9:02 am

Don’t do nothing, that opens you up to more abuse. Just agree and amplify in a joking way, maybe some banter back and forth. If he’s just being an asshole, then make the jokes more mean. : )

Riggerjack
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Riggerjack » Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:24 am

@OP,

It's too late to ignore it. You are posting here, which means this bugged you enough to react. Your reaction was his goal, he has been winning, in his own mind. If you change the setting, so he feels no victory over you for lunch, he will just change subjects and find another aspect of you to attack. His goal is to ensure that you are always more periferal to the tribe then he.

Don't take this up with a third party, particularly an authority. That signals weakness and attracts more abuse, and signals that you can't be trusted to your peers.

This is the time to get creative. Step up your brown bag game, get very good food in your lunch. After a week of this, pack an extra lunch. When he starts in, yet again, smile. Tell him that it's been fun, but you are worried about him. All that lunch out is really hitting him in the waistline. Here, try a nice chicken breast salad. Sit uncomfortably close, be uncomfortably nice, make him leave, while being oppressively kind. Reapply this technique when he switches to new subject, and allow him to find an easier target, somewhere else.

The key is to always be nice. Always too close and too sympathetic to his weaknesses in a loud way. None of this is easy, if you are still angry about how he treats you. So be sure to go into this with a "today, I win" mentality, rather than "today I fight back" mentality. You aren't engaging him, you are disengaging him. At the end of this you aren't trying to show the world that you have more status, (lots of emotional triggers are tied to status, and they will all fight this technique) you are removing an irritant.

Just as you don't feel superior to the small pebble you remove from your shoe, try not to aim for feeling superior to this irritant. Simply be smart, and get rid of the problem, quietly, and by being overly friendly. If you feel your calm slip at any point, excuse yourself and leave. Try again, later. You can't smothor this dickhead in kindness, if you can't maintain the kindness. And if he can't get the reaction he wants initially, he will try another tack.

He is, in his own mind, periferal to the tribe, and sees calling you out as being more periferal than he. By pushing you out, he feels more central. By being kind, and calm, and forcing him to get uncomfortable and leave, he will see that as a direct threat to his position, and likely cause an overreaction. He will leave with his insecurities redoubled, and find someone else, even less central to the tribe to try to push out. Because some of us just never developed past 7th grade... :roll:

Good luck. And get creative!

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:29 am

bridgebetween wrote:
Fri Apr 19, 2019 6:08 am
Whats the best way to deal with it?
Tell him you're saving up to fuck his mother, just like his father did.

suomalainen
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by suomalainen » Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:56 am

The best wag to deal with it is to stop being insecure about it. Who gives a fuck about what some douchebag thinks about your sack lunches? Someone who is insecure, that’s who. Own it and respond in your own style. If you’re not cocky, snarky and witty, don’t try to respond that way.

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:28 am

Many years ago an asshole said something to me at work and I always regretted not saying anything back. This was decades ago. It ate at me. I couldn't get over it. Lost sleep at night, years later. Anyways, I kept track of him over the years and lo and behold he died, a few months back. Cancer. Wife and two relatively young kids. I just said "Good. Fuck you and the maggots currently crawling in your cocky mouth." I told my therapist the story and he said "Do you think it had anything to do with you? Like it could have been anyone who just happened to be sitting where you were sitting." I thought about it and my therapist was right but I still wish I told that douchebag to tell his mother not to worry, that she can keep the change.

I'm just saying, think about how you will regret the situation. Will you regret saying something or not saying something. I understand it's an individual decision but I learned my lesson. I once had a guy cut in front of me in The Sports Authority and when I said something he just gave me a dismissive jock laugh. I put my game face on and heckled this motherfucker throughout his entire transaction, in front of the other customers and the check out people. Told him to buy some balls so his wife will finally have something to play with when he gets home. Told him to buy catcher's equipment so the guys in the public restroom will know his preference. He just took it. Sure he might have kicked my ass in the parking lot. But so what. Small price to pay.

chenda
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by chenda » Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:04 pm

@jason +1. I can definitely relate.

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sat Apr 20, 2019 12:45 pm

I hate this fucking guy. Tell him you want to retire so you can bang his wife while he's still there making fun of the next guy who brings his lunch in.

Sclass
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Sclass » Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:16 pm

suomalainen wrote:
Sat Apr 20, 2019 10:56 am
The best wag to deal with it is to stop being insecure about it. Who gives a fuck about what some douchebag thinks about your sack lunches? Someone who is insecure, that’s who. Own it and respond in your own style. If you’re not cocky, snarky and witty, don’t try to respond that way.
Brilliant. I think dealing with these types of personal insecurities is helpful if you want to build wealth. When I think about it, some of my most vicious attackers were then insecure, and now penniless. They spent a lot to shore up their own game and were disturbed when I wouldn’t play the same game. Because at the end of the day, they fear they are losing. Our lunch bully just wants you to go broke a long with them.
Jason wrote:
Sat Apr 20, 2019 11:28 am
Many years ago an asshole said something to me at work and I always regretted not saying anything back. This was decades ago. It ate at me. I couldn't get over it. Lost sleep at night, years later. Anyways, I kept track of him over the years and lo and behold he died, a few months back. Cancer.
Ya know a similar thing happened to me. A guy sucker punched me in the mouth because he disagreed with my opinion. I was in a public setting where people I respected were around, so I just straightened myself up and pretended it didn’t happen...instead of hitting him back and showing the crowd I was a violent idiot. It ate at me for three years. We moved on. He played a couple of more dirty tricks on me after that. Later his friend told me he died of cancer at the end of his freshman year of college. It was one of those aggressive cancers that hits a young person and takes them fast. I bet the jackass hadn’t even lost his virginity.

When his best buddy sobbed out how much he missed him I said, “wow, couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.”

I like to look at the scholarship his folks set up for him at his university. In Jason style maybe I’ll donate $1.

bigato
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by bigato » Sat Apr 20, 2019 2:52 pm

Since we are talking about abuse at work and vengeance, there was this time a manager yelled at work. At me and another guy. I was speechless. Couldn't react. Felt very bad after that, a bit traumatized. He really deserved a well served punch in the face, but had I done that, I'd probably get fired.

Once I moved out from that position in the company (it was the local branch of a bank) to another city, working as a programmer, I made sure I kept my checkings account and investments there in that same branch all the time. I wanted him to see it every month. The looser is still there. I'm on my way to retire in less than two years and I really hope he will still be there when I move back to that city where I have a property. I'll move my investments out of that bank at some point to a better broker, but I'll make sure to his face that he knows I'm retired at 40 and won't need to ever work again.

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:29 pm

I'm just not a high road type of guy. He calls. You raise.

I'd give the asshole a nickname. Because if history has proven anything, you can nickname your way to the oval office.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_n ... nald_Trump

I don't know the guy, but with the food vibe and all, I'm thinking "McMuffin." I could see that sticking.

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Dream of Freedom
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Dream of Freedom » Sat Apr 20, 2019 4:15 pm

Scott Adams discussed Trump's nicknaming at length in his book win bigly. He calls it a linguistic kill shot. Apparently it is best to use something that reinforces itself visually every time you see them like low energy Jeb or Little Michael Bloomberg. Not all the nicknames followed that pattern but he says it makes it more effective.

If he's:

Short - chicken nugget
Tall - French fry
Fat - muffin boy
Muscular - pork chop

chenda
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by chenda » Sat Apr 20, 2019 4:49 pm

I'm thinking Lady Gaga but anyway, I'm glad people are sharing their malicious thoughts. When I've spoken to therapists about this they've tried to rationalise the actions of the other people. 'You don't know what she's going through ' 'Why do let her occupy your mind ?' Which is all true, but emotionally doesn't work. Taking up boxing or something might be a good way to vent off this anger. Probably what our ancestors did.

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sat Apr 20, 2019 5:10 pm

If he's making fun of bridgebetween brown bagging, then he must be (1) hitting fast food (2) ordering in. I doubt he sits down and gets a hearty chicken parmagian and spaghetti meal every day. So tell this asshole that the Kroc family christened their yacht McIdiot in his honor and his wife needs to call in a search and rescue team in order to locate his nutsack the one day a year she agrees to go down on him.

I've had enough of this guy.

Mister Imperceptible
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Mister Imperceptible » Sun Apr 21, 2019 1:49 am

The toxic masculinity in this thread is invigorating, I want to start packing embarrassing lunches so I can get into it with someone who makes fun of me.

Jason
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Re: Dealing with abuse at work

Post by Jason » Sun Apr 21, 2019 7:32 am

I think Joan Rivers would find the gender limitation to be an affront to both her life and career.

What type of grown ass man makes fun of another grown ass man's lunch methodology? An inveterate, genetically programmed fucking asshole, that's who. And there is no leading such a person to some type of illumination where he is going to see and repent of his asshole ways. It doesn't work that way. I don't care if he has some type of insecurities because his mother who was also his sister locked his born of incest ass in the back of her car trunk, put a brick on the gas petal and let it drive off of a cliff but he miraculously lived and was raised by a peyote smoking cult who spent their time listening to Proco Harum. conducting animal sacrifices and diddling him three times a week. I've been to McDonald's enough myself to know the type. He's a Big Mac imbibing fast food fucking asshole. And he needs to STFU and let people eat their lunch in peace.

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