yes but i see the "investment" in failing relationships as more of an expectation of returns, an exchange of commodities, wanting something out of said exchange. e.g. the person who wants to "marry a doctor" or "a rich man" or "a hot lady" or something. they want stuff. they count beans. they're not partners but trade partners.7Wannabe5 wrote: ↑Wed Jan 13, 2021 1:10 pmeverybody who is or ever was married considers themselves to be very invested in their relationship. That's why it's also almost always the realm in which "sunk cost fallacy" is most relevant for most people. Resentment doesn't grow directly from incompatibility, no two people are perfectly compatible; it grows out of covert contracts. Hoping the other will change. Assuming the other is or believes the same. Expecting that the other won't change. Not recognizing that relationship is often is the catalyst for conflict towards the growth; sexual tension only exists with an "other", so compromise often results in short term wins which add up to long term fail, etc. etc. etc.
e.g. one time i made the mistake to say to this highly unevolved guy that his girlfriend was very pretty and he replied yes but she was "starting to sag a bit." wtf. he didn't see a person, just the declining commodity of a firm breast. the fucking idiot.
this is not what i meant by investment though, not that we're "locked in together" by some force. i meant that we work our asses off to make things work constantly. it's like athletic training or something. and that work amounts to something that has a very obvious presence in our lives. we're much better than we were two decades ago and we don't long for some golden past. this is the golden era. today. better than yesterday. it grows.
and yes it is a sunk cost in a sense and one day one of us will die and the other will be left ruined, but we're willing to give it a go anyway. life is just better that way for us. we're compatible in this sense-- not in minor characteristics to fill out surveys, but in choosing this.
also i hear you on the covert contracts bit, which is why a good part of the hard work consists of communication and negotiation. constantly. morning day and night, working through the conflicts not away from them. i wanna hear all the complaints. then i wanna work on solutions.
a lot of couples get tired and stop fighting and go on grumbling to themselves, each inside their own tunnel. we prefer to hash it out. always. to a non-predetermined, non-stereotypical, non-socially constructed end. this stuff is ours and nobody else's. we make the rules. it's our own private world.
as for sexual tension, sure, who hasn't looked at the neighbor lady (or lad, as it may apply) with lust in their eyes? i mean. you walk by the bakery window and there's a hot croissant, looking at you, saying take a bite. having pigged out on too many croissants to the point of indigestion i can now keep walking. i guess if i hadn't it would be more tempting.
and then also turns out that the neighbor lady has a really annoying side to her, and beyond the fantasy of the zipless fuck (thanks erica jong for the words) there is a whole package of neuroses and aggravations or even malevolence waiting to be unleashed like so many girlfriends of yore, so... no thanks, it's just a mirage, i don't want a new person.
i'll reply to the part about the house in a separate post. i got long winded with this and had to delete hahaha.
oh, i thought initially this was about housing...!
anyway i guess i'll say... she gets to live with her favorite person in the world?
(and i with mine)
i don't know what else to say. we really have a blast together and support each other in every way. and if she has a problem with something... she's always sure to let me know