Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

How to pass, fit in, eventually set an example, and ultimately lead the way.
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jennypenny
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by jennypenny »

This is not my field of expertise, but I wanted to make two comments ...

-- Don't rule someone out immediately if they own expensive things. I carry a designer handbag, but I've owned it over 20 years. BIFL can often be mistaken for spendy. I'd be just as suspicious of someone who owned only throwaway stuff since it might indicate they're broke and/or into following trends. I've always thought that someone wearing something expensive but used looking was the most likely candidate for the millionaire next door. Think of someone in nice but really worn loafers or plain clothes with a great coat.

-- It's safer for women to meet men they don't know well in public places like a bar or restaurant. I wouldn't rule out a woman who suggested that for the first few dates. I wouldn't say suggesting a picnic in a public park would work either because they aren't always crowded with people which is what affords the protection. For me, it would have to be a reliably crowded place to feel safe, especially if it was someone I just met (online, blind date) and not a work colleague or friend of a friend.

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C40
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by C40 »

as for meeting in a safe place: the standard first date for a person you meet online is either coffee or a drink. If the potential date requests or insists something that's basically the same format except more involved/expensive, it's often a bad sign.

As for the handbag, how about, if you see they have two different designer bags of the same general size/shape..... :-)

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jennypenny
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by jennypenny »

Haha, fair enough. A wardrobe of designer goodies is definitely a bad sign. :)

I'm a BIFL person, so I get mad when people criticize me for spending on something I know I'll have forever. Two people really came down on me when I bought my conversion van, but I've been driving it for 15 years and they've each owned 3 cars during that time. :roll:

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C40
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by C40 »

And now that vans are all popular, you've become (more) hip.

BRUTE
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by BRUTE »

C40 wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:43 pm
as for meeting in a safe place: the standard first date for a person you meet online is either coffee or a drink.
how do human females react when C40 invites them into his unmarked white van after the first date?

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Viktor K
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by Viktor K »

I think that's what they mean by "weeding out" :lol:

slowtraveler
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by slowtraveler »

When I share my focus on ERE with someone, it's rarely on a first date or meeting. A first date is to see if we get along/enjoy being around each other. Something light and short like a walk somewhere public yet relaxed or some coffee/tea.

"How to share"
Rather than stating how much I love frugality or want to retire early, I focus more on the why and tell my experience as a story.
Something like, sharing how I've seen my parents work 7 days a week, 12+ hour days my whole life and that motivated me to want to find another way to live. I tried starting enough businesses to know how much work they are but, along the way, I realized that investing creates more lifestyle freedom than working or running a business. I want to see the world and if I had a family, I'd want to be able to give them my attuned attention rather than always being interruptable for business needs. So I've been working towards covering my expenses through saving and investing.

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

Felipe wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:47 pm
"How to share"
Rather than stating how much I love frugality or want to retire early, I focus more on the why and tell my experience as a story.
Something like, sharing how I've seen my parents work 7 days a week, 12+ hour days my whole life and that motivated me to want to find another way to live. I tried starting enough businesses to know how much work they are but, along the way, I realized that investing creates more lifestyle freedom than working or running a business. I want to see the world and if I had a family, I'd want to be able to give them my attuned attention rather than always being interruptable for business needs. So I've been working towards covering my expenses through saving and investing.
I feel the exact same way about this. I grew up with my parents always worrying about money and talking about it. As a result, I grew up wanting to know how money works so that I wouldn't have to worry about it like my parents did.
I also like how you mentioned the freedom aspect of investing, and how running your own business would be too time consuming for you. I currently work with my cousin and we started a small software business between the two of us. For now I love it, but I'd hate to be totally locked in by it when and if I ever have a family and want to retire.

FBeyer
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by FBeyer »

C40 wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 4:53 pm
And now that vans are all popular, you've become (more) hip.
Old school enough to be considered retro!

LiquidSapphire
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by LiquidSapphire »

I'm gonna chime in with JennyPenny here...

I have a lot of very nice clothes and a designer handbag, almost all of which either came from Goodwill or were all gifts. Could I have resold them for money? Maybe the purse, but I'd have had to take a loss. I don't think one should screen out on this fact just by itself. I personally aspire to the French warddrobe system - owning not very many clothes, but the clothes you do own being very high quality.

If a guy asks me out but doesn't specify a location, I'll usually recommend coffee - because if it's not going anywhere, after a bit I can give a handshake and get out of there. I agree a second date is all about "get to know you" but I'd almost never do it in a not-public place. I had a date scheduled with a guy where the whole plan was to get a cart at Goodwill/Walmart and collect weird things and put them next to other weird things and have a barrel of laughs... :)

Because I'm a "weirdo" someone would really have to signal that they have something significant in common with me before I agree to date them if I found them "in the wild" - I don't like to waste my time and I think the chances of finding someone that matches my interests just by random chance are incredibly slim. But I'd think if I were to find someone in public, it'd likely be at a meetup about meditation, reiki, pick-up volleyball, or board games - basically the meetups that have to do with hobbies that were already free or good value. Or one of my dance classes. For me personally, OKC is my favorite online source, so much so that I refuse to use any other, I find it that superior. I never felt I got enough information before someone was asking me to meet on Tinder/POF/Etc which led me right back to all of my "in the wild" problems.

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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by jacob »

+1 to C40 about finding the venues/vectors that work for you. People have different talents when it comes to presenting themselves well. There seems to be a standard format in the US that everybody is familiar with in terms of what to expect based on the numerical count of the date. What to do on first date, second date, ... that's likely a practiced art(*). It would also require both parties to have the same expectations of the process. I have no experience with this but as I gather from this thread, the first date is coffee in a public place; don't bring a handbag; and if it's not going well, you just clap your hands and say "Ninja Vanish" and run away. Second date involves a pick-up in an unmarked white van and "exploring an abandoned building" whatever that means :shock: and so onto the third ...

(*) Which one may never get to practice if the numbers simply aren't there. Matthew effect applies.

I don't think anyone has mentioned speed-dating... but that seems to be a way to get some quick practice in and play the numbers really fast. It worked for a friend of mine (now married with kids) after his "meet women at activities"-strategy failed. Indeed, I don't think signing up for such with the primary goal to date is optimal. Don't change your habits just to score. "Normies" date over coffee because they go out for coffee all the time (1-2 times a day) anyway. Remember the latte-effect. That's a thing because it's so common.

The proper strategy also depends on your strengths. Are you a gregarious small-talker capable of holding a 5 minute conversation with anyone you meet? Or do you need previously shared knowledge to build a conversation on? Or do you also need to know how they think before you can really talk with them? This would determine when to meet... and how many you meet: The amount of upfront connection building investment required so to speak.

I think it's also worth differentiating strategies depending on whether you're a "normie" looking for other "normies"; or an ... "abnormie" looking for other "abnormies"; or any combination of the above e.g. "abnormie" willing and capable of meeting with "normies". It also seems to me that some of the strategies above could be classified as more normal than others... or more appealing to "normies" than others and vice vera.

I get the impression from the OP that the issue is an "abnormie" trying to meet "either" via the most normal strategy. Whereas several have suggested OKCupid which is more focused on people who are capable of typing up and reading complete paragraphs which is kind of abnormal .. so OKCupid is maybe more of an abnormie-abnormie protocol. I don't know. (Back when I was doing this the internet wasn't saturated yet and online dating was relatively rare.)

Anyway ...

If you absolutely have to bring it up, I'd suggest saying that you're into "personal finance" (would probably have to explain what this means to most people ... but you could work this into explaining "investing for FI" without sounding too weird... most people would understand explanations like "for example, I bought some Verizon stock and that pays me $200 in dividends each year and I use that to pay my cellphone plan") and "DIY" (give examples... speaking of handbags, I think Sclass has a winner with his leather stitching .. also gardening for food. If you DIY something you can actually bring along---obviously it has to look good---that'd be grand. I'm reminded of Tyler9000's cell phone case interview).

Conversely, you would be looking out for signs of credit card debt and any tendency to "purchase" solutions---because these [people] are to be avoided unless you're willing to battle uphill in the long run.

Talking about ERE is so many Wheaton levels beyond the average that being misunderstood is a given. Leave that to the professionals ;-) ... even I run into problems from time to time around here trying to explain what ERE is :-P If you're looking for compatible people who do understand ERE, look for people working in (high) finance, anyone into permaculture, and people who are trying to save the world (not using politics). Simple living is a bit risky (many hate money and everything it stands for). I don't think world-travel is a good indicator, but maybe that's just me.

ThisDinosaur
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by ThisDinosaur »

There was a social stigma against internet dating when I was single. But it seems like its much more acceptable now. I would not recommend telling a potential you just met about all the saving and investing you are doing. But advertising your anti-consumerism or simple living would be a good screen.

distracted_at_work
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by distracted_at_work »

@RedHare. My best advice for attracting partners would be to be your best self all the time and don't worry how you find the potential partners. It will happen. Per @Riggerjack, this acts like a natural filter as you tend to attract those who ... well ... are attracted to the real you! These partners will tend to be frugal and with that base you can slowly open them up to the whole early retirement concept. For example, last Winter I have a vivid memory of walking through a park with a girl in the snow drinking boxed wine out of yogurt containers for our second date. Nothing fancy required.

To your other point, you certainly don't need to sit a home alone to accomplish ERE. Some ideas to get you started and will help you meet people:
-Go for a hike! Did this last week and met another solo hiker. Free other than transportation to get there.
-Grab some friends and float down a river. You'll probably meet another group of fun people.
-Invite people over for a potluck and tell them to bring friends.
-Join an inexpensive sports league like Ultimate Frisbee or make yourself available to spare (free) for the expensive sports (hockey in my case).
-Volunteer as a Guide doing something you are good at. Maybe you know your city really well? Maybe you are great at kayaking? I do this for ski trips.

Personal disclaimer. I have had to ask this forum how to make time for partners within ERE and still haven't figured that out. Girls need more time/energy than I seem to have in the day. Working on it. Literally right now I could be working on it... :lol:

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C40
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by C40 »

BRUTE wrote:
Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:07 pm
how do human females react when C40 invites them into his unmarked white van after the first date?
More or less the same as back when I was inviting them to my house. In some ways it works better. Many of the women I date are interested/impressed by the van. Some ask if they can see it. Also, it's generally right around the corner and more convenient than traveling to a house. The women who would be freaked about the van wouldn't have went out with me in the first place.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Eh, you think you got it hard, try finding a man over 50 who wants to live in a decrepit camper full-time.

I must chime in with my sisters-in-thrift and note that I also own many sturdy/classic designer items, including 2 purses, either received as gifts or purchased on second-hand market. However, it is also true that I might purposefully not wear or carry anything very fancy on a first date, and I certainly wouldn't include my designer purse in my dating profile picture.

Also, suggesting doing something at your place on a second date will be interpreted by 90-something percent of females as "likely going to try to get me in bed." Even a seriously frugal, seriously round-heeled female such as myself will likely jump to that conclusion, even though it has sometimes happened that men have confused me by inviting me to their place, offering me a drink, and then not trying to get me in bed. If you behave in this fashion, it is possible, that the female will think that it is possible that you are not into sex, or if the man is in my age range, perhaps too frugal to waste a pill on a not-sure thing. OTOH, even if you have full intention of inviting female on second date back to your place for just lentil soup and meaningful conversation over Scrabble board, if both of you are into sex, and at least one of you is somewhat lacking in self-control, then you might miss out on opportunity for meaningful conversation that might be revealing of future long-term compatibility, and just end up wasting your time on 9 weeks of hawt meaningless sex.

distracted_at_work
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by distracted_at_work »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:05 pm
end up wasting your time on 9 weeks of hawt meaningless sex.
Free/cheap exercise :lol:

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:05 pm
Also, suggesting doing something at your place on a second date will be interpreted by 90-something percent of females as "likely going to try to get me in bed."
It would have to be a pretty cool chick if she wanted to sleep with me on my twin size Japanese futon lol. I would much rather go to there place if possible, but I think most girls wouldn't like that idea.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@distracted_at_work: Nobody has gotten as much mileage out of that rationalization as me. In fact, I am currently reconciling myself to the fact that men/dating/sex/relationships are luxury items on which I can no longer afford to waste my valuable time whilst in pursuit of economic independence. Even though in my case, this reconciliation also leads to sad reflection on the fact that by the time I have achieved economic independence, I will quite likely have aged out of the market of those who may yet "gather ye rosebuds" or even hope to signal "tad over-ripe, but not yet shriveled." (long sigh to sound of tiny violins.)
TheRedHare wrote:It would have to be a pretty cool chick if she wanted to sleep with me on my twin size Japanese futon lol. I would much rather go to there place if possible, but I think most girls wouldn't like that idea.
If you are shopping for the long run, you better get the girl who would sleep with you in the back of a jeep. Try to visualize the person with whom you could enjoy yourself if you were stranded in an airport. I have to say that I worry a bit about you guys who are shopping for the ideal partner for while you are on the build-run of ERE without so much thought for the next phase which might have different challenges.

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GandK
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by GandK »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:05 pm
...and I certainly wouldn't include my designer purse in my dating profile picture.
This. Those photos are about signalling, pure and simple. A small minority of women go through life blissfully unaware of what they're communicating to others in their selfies. Most will take 50+ carefully staged but artless looking photos for a dating site and choose only the most "flattering" ones for display. Pruning women with high end handbags is not about them owning or even being proud of owning that item, it's about them valuing it so highly that they're communicating that it's part of who they are in photos whose sole purpose is to give that information. Guys do the same thing, BTW (sports car shots, anyone?). Run, Forrest, run.
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:05 pm
Also, suggesting doing something at your place on a second date will be interpreted by 90-something percent of females as "likely going to try to get me in bed."
This too. In all the years I dated, going into a man's home for the first time always meant he was angling for sex. I would not want to go to a man's home that early on because I've never moved, or wanted to move, that quickly toward sex. If I'm not comfortable enough in your company yet to discuss important life subjects, rational Me will not want sex, and I don't want to be in the uncomfortable position of having to say no either to irrational Me or to you. If a guy suggested his house for Date #2, I'd definitely counter.

TheRedHare
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Re: Being misunderstood while trying to be ERE/ Finding a partner

Post by TheRedHare »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:42 pm
I have to say that I worry a bit about you guys who are shopping for the ideal partner for while you are on the build-run of ERE without so much thought for the next phase which might have different challenges.
Could you elaborate a bit more on this? What phases do you have in mind?

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