Dealing with the death of close people?

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TopHatFox
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Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by TopHatFox »

So I just went to visit an old friend, and their landlord let me know that he committed suicide 3 months ago. Damn!

It's weird, part of me sort of expected it was the case since I hadn't heard from him for a while, but I was hoping otherwise. Another part of me just wanted to know for sure. All of this has me thinking of how short life can be, and how much we should love and care with one another while we're around. How have you all dealt with death of close people, whether kids, parents, friends, etc.?

What I'd like to do is remember the positive influences that person had on other people, and that death is indeed a normal part of life, as much as it's often not talked about. Thoughts?

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GandK
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by GandK »

If the person is truly close, you won't be remembering positive influences for quite some time. You'll be remembering how to breathe.

I lost a daughter. My life did go back to normal after about three years. I still cry on her birthday, and at baby showers, and whenever I hear of someone else losing a child. And I counsel other people through that experience. It's so lonely.

This October will be ten years.

I don't think we can plan for or manage grief. I think it's a marshland of memories and pain and regret, unique to the relationship you had, or wanted to have, with that person. And like the kids on the Bear Hunt, you can't go over grief, can't go under it. You have to go through it if you want to go on.

EdithKeeler
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by EdithKeeler »

What I'd like to do is remember the positive influences that person had on other people, and that death is indeed a normal part of life, as much as it's often not talked about. Thoughts?
Death is a normal part of life, but it's really hard to tell yourself that when someone takes their own life--that's NOT normal, and I think you have to feel all the feelings about that--sadness, anger, regret, etc., probably before you can really start reflecting on the good stuff. Hard to tell yourself that, too, when someone dies young. The natural, normal order of things is that we're supposed to live our lives, get old, and then die. Of course it doesn't always happen that way.

My brother was hit by a car by a drunk driver a couple of days after his 28th birthday. One day we were having his birthday dinner and we were laughting about him getting carded--he was 28!! He left early the next morning to go out of town to a new job. Got the call that some drunk teenager drove up on the sidewalk and hit and killed him instantly. I have more feelings about that than I can write here, but for a while, all I had were the sad feelings, and the only thing I could even remember about him was getting that call... that call. Same thing when my dad died--I replayed our last conversation over and over in my head, and for a while it was all I could think about when I thought about him. I think that's one good thing about funerals, which I generally find to be morbid, but it does give people a chance to come together and share stories about the person, and start remembering those good things about them again, let that numbness give way to feeling again. You might want to think about seeking out mutual friends and holding an Irish wake in your friend's honor, or take some time to write your own obituary for him in your journal, where you memorialize things you remember and loved about him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

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Sclass
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Sclass »

Whoa...I'm sorry for all your losses. I lost one of my full sisters when I was ten. We were close. My parents never really got over it. Losing my sister was bad but losing their kid must have been much worse.

It was so bad I just went on believing she was still alive...just around the corner out of sight. Then I blocked out the memory for a decade after I could no longer keep that up. I keep her locked up in a dark corner of my mind. I have to make an effort to remember what she looked like but there is a clear image kept hidden down there.

One of the reasons I hate looking after my mom is I have to go into my sister's bedroom. Unchanged for forty years. The urn of ashes. The teddy bears. Her bedding. Her half finished craft project she was working on. It's torture.

Friends ask me why I never talk about it. I hate it when people think they are helping me when they force me to "talk about it." I'd prefer to bury it deep.

Humans have a strong ability to move on. It's part of being human I guess. Begin by pointing yourself in the right direction I guess.

BRUTE
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by BRUTE »

brute expresses regret for humans' losses of K-nearest neighbors in their social graph

:(

Did
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Did »

How awful for you all and my condolences.

It's one of the worst things about remote living: that call, and the helplessness so far away. I got the call a month ago about my mother having a stroke. Thankfully she seems to have dodged that one. But we have many calls ahead unfortunately.

I remember when my gran was old. Everyone she had ever known that was her generation or older was dead. It's quite unpleasant to think about.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice re grief.

Dragline
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Dragline »

There seem to be as many ways to deal with grief as there are people. I am doubtful there is a "right" or "recommended" way. Yes time helps, but its not a panacea.

I lost a good friend to leukemia as a child and just tried not to think about it. But it seemed to manifest itself in other ways later as an "urgency to do something".

I have a niece who lost a baby only a month old a couple years ago and she is still trying to deal with it. She was born around now and they visit her gravesite with her sister every year on her birthday, and some other times, too. She has struggled with depression and substances.

Sometimes grief breaks people and sometimes it makes them more determined. My FIL lost his father and a brother when he was about 12. The family business then collapsed and they went from well-to-do to seriously struggling. But if anything it seemed to make him more determined in the long run, working his way through school, getting a PhD and becoming a professor while operating a side business and raising six kids. He turns 75 this year, but I don't think he expected to live past 45 given the family history. He is one of those people who is grateful for every day they live.

I heard an interview of Esther Perel recently (a famous relationships therapist), who was the daughter of two Holocaust survivors and was raised among a whole community of them. She recounted how there were basically two kinds of survivors -- those who rejoiced to be alive and engaged in life like her parents, and those who remained completely traumatized and acted like they were walking dead. But I have to believe that there were many gradations in between.

"In the midst of life, we are in death." I have found that to be true. One of my brothers had a stroke a couple months ago and is deteriorating, so this has been on my mind, too.

halfmoon
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by halfmoon »

My mother died unexpectedly when I was 8. My father had been deeply in love with her, and being left alone with 3 children was almost more than he could bear. For awhile, I couldn't really comprehend what her death meant to me, but I could feel his despair like a knife.

Several months after her death, I was riding in the back seat of our car and saw a wild-haired woman in the car next to us. "That woman looks like a witch", I announced. Silence. My father looked across the front seat at my older sister, and finally she turned in the seat and said in her best parental voice, "It's not nice to call people a bitch."

I was literally stunned to think that I could actually have gotten away with saying the word Bitch. That was when I understood that life had changed forever.

Riggerjack
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Riggerjack »

Hang a heavy bag. Work out until it is worked out.

Heavy emotions are best dealt with, with heavy impact. Work it hard, and nobody can tell if you are crying with your sweating.

TopHatFox
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by TopHatFox »

All good stuff. Here's a follow up I've been thinking about:

Where do we draw the line between laughing with life's twists and turns, and simply not caring or taking anything seriously?

distracted_at_work
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by distracted_at_work »

I want to stop in here as I discovered today that someone who died recently (and violently) was actually a suicide. Extremely sad as he had a family and was otherwise a happy man, from the outside looking in anyhow. I thought it was very brave of the family to publicly let it be known why he died. As a society, we need more light on mental health issues like that.
Dragline wrote:
Tue Jun 06, 2017 4:53 pm
I lost a good friend to leukemia as a child and just tried not to think about it. But it seemed to manifest itself in other ways later as an "urgency to do something".
Dragline, I couldn't agree more with death manifesting itself in the feeling of urgency to do something. I fortunately haven't encountered death much up until the last 12 months of my life. While, of course, it is sad. It's extremely energizing to me. I dunno.

@Z. Like anything, it's a balance. If one lives at the extremes of not caring, I don't think it's possible to get out of bed in the morning.

Riggerjack
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Riggerjack »

Where do we draw the line between laughing with life's twists and turns, and simply not caring or taking anything seriously
Why would this be either/or? Each, as appropriate.

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Sclass
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Sclass »

Olaz wrote:
Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:38 pm
All good stuff. Here's a follow up I've been thinking about:

Where do we draw the line between laughing with life's twists and turns, and simply not caring or taking anything seriously?
A dead buddy used to say "we have to laugh at everything." He said this in the face of an epic failure we shared.

I still carry those words. He's dead. He collapsed in a liquor store while waiting in line a year after our trip. I still remember to laugh.

Toska2
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Re: Dealing with the death of close people?

Post by Toska2 »

Do the dead justice by living with purpose. Whatever purposes you find, remember you are human, love and laughter are necessary.

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