Living with Careerist

How to pass, fit in, eventually set an example, and ultimately lead the way.
7Wannabe5
Posts: 9369
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Riggerjack: I didn't invent that bit about INTJ most effective direction of growth being towards E. May or may not have any basis in reality. I usually find myself in positions of leadership when my enthusiasm runs out ahead of my commitment, so I've learned to be more cautious because I hate it when other people are disappointed because I'm not really up for maintaining the lead for the long haul. I never get that evil overlord feeling you are describing. Probably because I never gain or seek that much control over the process, and my enthusiastic emotions are sincere in the moment. The bad feeling I get is like when you realize you shouldn't have adopted 3 puppies, and then you have to take 2 back to the pound.

SOLVE problems, rather than use bailing wire and duct tape to "fix" problems. And who you allow into your life is the primary filter for what problems are introduced into your life.
Shall ponder. I was trying to think about whether I would send 95% of other people to go live on some very nice other planets if I had the power. I guess I would do it for environmental reasons, but most people have something of value to offer in relationship, if the relationship is well-bounded. For instance, there might be some person I would not want anything else to do with in any way, but they sure played a mean trombone. Or there might be another person who was in many ways a solid citizen, salt-of-the-earth, person you hope lives next door if your chimney starts on fire, but if I had to sit next to them on a bus ride engaged in conversation for 3 hours I would feign sleep and/or coma. Etc. etc. etc. I don't know how to make myself that picky. I even enjoy drinking coffee from vending machines sometimes, and there are also people who are not really good but still good sometimes like vending machine coffee.

Riggerjack
Posts: 3180
Joined: Thu Jul 14, 2011 3:09 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Riggerjack »

Shall ponder. I was trying to think about whether I would send 95% of other people to go live on some very nice other planets if I had the power.
Well, in my case, it is me who is leaving. I live on 10 acres on an island, nobody has to leave for my piece of mind. This just means I don't engage strangers or coworkers without reason. A sacrifice nobody has objected to.

So for people to introduce themselves and their problems to me, pretty much requires an appointment. They live their lives as happily as they can, and I try not to point out how they could do better.

You, aren't so lucky. :lol:

bryan
Posts: 1061
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 2:01 am
Location: mostly Bay Area

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by bryan »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:27 am
2) Almost all the men with whom I have formed significant relationship have been middle-child, first son, and sandwiched between two sisters. Therefore, according to sibling-relationship-therapy theory, since I am the first born of 4 sisters, I tend towards being comfortable in the oldest sister role, but I have difficulty with the lack of co-operation etc. many males exhibit, due to no experience with brothers. So, still semi-doomed to repeat pattern.
Well, at least for the middle-child sandwiched by sisters guy, I think the solution is to get with a girl that is the youngest child with older sisters. Sorry it's not useful from your perspective :D

I haven't read much about your friendly relationships with other folks (especially women), maybe you need less romance and more social network? I understand female friendships may not be as pleasurable/easy as w/ males, but it just means you need to meet the right women.

"Grandma's boyfriend" sounds nice, but I suppose you didn't finish the description? Like it sounds like a normal relationship which doesn't preclude the BF from being a hell of a man w/ some fire where it counts.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9369
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Riggerjack wrote:You, aren't so lucky. :lol:
Bryan wrote:I haven't read much about your friendly relationships with other folks (especially women), maybe you need less romance and more social network? I understand female friendships may not be as pleasurable/easy as w/ males, but it just means you need to meet the right women.
lol- I guess great minds think alike, because when I came to the realization yesterday that I was "talking" about my fight with my BF with Riggerjack, I wandered out into the living room and said to my sister "I really need to find a tough female friend, someone like KashDoll, who will tell me to stop being such a whiny bitch." She replied, "I would say that to you, but your face is paralyzed, so you look too pathetic."

One of the benefits of my part-time substitute teaching gig is that it gives me the opportunity to engage in some chit-chat sociability with female peers. My water aerobics class also served this purpose, and I miss it. I generally tend towards being very casual with most of my female friendships, dropping in and out of book groups, and PTO ballet mother circles with ease. A few of my more intimate friendships with other females, females who actively pursued friendship with me, became sexualized in a variety of ways, so I have a level of leery if/when, for instance, another female keeps asking me to come horse-back riding or go to a baseball game or the gym or have a pajama party and she will perm my hair (I hate to reinforce stereotype, but true story of my life being that every time another female has blatantly hit on me she has also been an uber-jock.) I'm bi-flexible, but I never fall in love with other women, and I don't appreciate the aesthetic of breasts and muscles on the same person (of either gender, muscle and eye-liner, otoh, I can sometimes go for.) Also, I don't enjoy drinking very much, or hanging out with people who are drinking when I am not, so that generally limits my pack sociability.
Bryan wrote:"Grandma's boyfriend" sounds nice, but I suppose you didn't finish the description? Like it sounds like a normal relationship which doesn't preclude the BF from being a hell of a man w/ some fire where it counts.
Aaaargh. Unfortunately, you have hit the nail on the head. I like my coffee dark and strong, with sugar and cream available when I want it. The acid to brew strength is just not cutting it in this relationship. I'm just hanging on because there is always an open box of free Oreos on the counter, and the barista's patter is often amusing. But getting out clean would require the female equivalent of telling a girl "I am dumping you because you are too fat.", and I am afraid of the "price" to be paid if I do that.

Eureka
Posts: 340
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 11:03 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by Eureka »

Back to OP
7Wannabe5 wrote:
Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:43 am
I am also considering whether offering to chip in for rent would be psychologically helpful even if token gesture?
I would say on the contrary. If he has money enough and would pay all costs anyway, chipping in is a waste of money. You have your place, he has his place.

Even if you chip, it is his place and he can ask you to leave anytime. Unless you want cohabitation for real of course, but then you should rather buy the place together, even if your share will be only a few percent.

If you rent a specific room in the house or a part of the garden that you can use for whatever you decide to (like an outlet for second hand books or permaculture gardening or to meet with secret friends or do artwork or whatever) then an exchange of rent money might be purposeful. If not, not.

At least this is how I would act in the situation you describe.

7Wannabe5
Posts: 9369
Joined: Fri Oct 18, 2013 9:03 am

Re: Living with Careerist

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Eureka: I actually had a very good discussion with my BF this morning about Harry Browne's ideal plan for cohabitation which requires that the ownership of everything being shared should be clear and not joint. Since my BF is still paying child support, alimony and he gave his ex almost all the equity in their shared home, this plan appeals to him. I very much like your notion which would modify the H.B ideal to include some small equity and realm of ownership/dominance/control within the realm of shared occupation for the lesser financial partner. Since I don't work outside the home very much, and I tend towards being a homebody, I feel like a good deal of my time goes to waste if I don't have a home/land/something-like-that in which I am personally invested. Some of the old EJ men I have been with have been so bossy, it is like I end up with only having control over which book I am reading on my Kindle app. They are happy to pay for most everything, because they would rather have say over most everything than my grubby fist full of pennies towards even-Steven-chip-in.

Anyways, he straight-up agreed to my less yelling, more sex terms for continued primary-companionship/monogamy, so maybe I will consider possibility of cohabitation again at some future date.

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