How to avoid being a know-it-all in conversation and avoid providing unsolicited advice?

[TopHatFox]

In my quest to learn anything about everything, and how to optimize everything, I've become more skilled at activities like cycling, cooking, personal finance, etc. than the average person. Thing is, I've noted a habit of mine that I'm curious about and I think I'd like to change.

Whenever I notice an "inefficiency" (difference) in another person's habit, I have an impulse to share information in the usually false hope that they'd be receptive to such information. For example, if a fellow cyclist is riding too close to cars and has a high chance of being doored--or is riding on the wrong !#$%@#% side of the road or on the sidewalk--I share that it's safer to move to the left or ride with traffic. They proceed to tell me to worry about myself, and so I do. Should I simply not share the information if it's unwanted? If they'd like to maintain their probability of getting doored high, that's their choice; I'll try to be safe even with their choice.

Likewise, with finance, I've met people that live in too large a house, drive too large a car, and eat out as a main source of sustenance. When they complain about money troubles to me, I point out the spots of inefficiency on deaf and irritated ears. Again, should simply not share the information if it's unwanted? If they'd like to maintain their probability/certainty of being poor, that's their choice.

I suppose I could learn how to share information more persuasively, and in a less direct way. Usually the only way I can share information well with another person is if they are either already receptive to new information and enjoy learning and discussing new ideas, or if I listen to the person and they come up with a useful idea on their own. Another option is to subtly make them think my idea is there's.

A third option might be to simply let go and accept everyone's differences, even if it might lead them to be unsafe, poor, unhealthy, or whatever it is.

Thoughts?

[henrik]

A very good question! I have that same habit, although I've slowly learned to hold back and just let go.

[Dragline]

Most people don't want advice and are annoyed or un-receptive to it. When they complain they are not looking for solutions that would require change, but are looking for affirmation, empathy or sympathy, because they don't want to change.

I seldom offer any advice unless someone asks, or I think they might be receptive, or its my job (dad). To cure yourself of the habit, you need to stop thinking about the issue or problem and start thinking about what the likely reaction will be. And if its not likely to be positive or neutral, what's the point? What advice would you give to a would-be advice offerer (yourself) when you know the advice will be instantly rejected? Probably something along the lines of "just don't do it."

"Never attempt to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig." -- attributed to Mark Twain, Robert Heinlein and others.

Unfortunately for me, my children can be quite swine-like. You might imagine your would-be advisees as pigs, too, if that helps.

If you just can't help yourself, couch the advice in "you don't have to listen to me" and "this is a special case" language, with a white lie if you think you need it. So in your bike example, you would say something like "You might want to be careful about riding too close to the cars around here. People who park around here don't look and open doors in your way. I almost got doored a couple times." You're more likely to get at least a neutral response that way.

I think we explored this topic in another thread in the past.

[subgard]

This is something I've learned the hard way. People don't like know-it-alls or advice-givers.

A third option might be to simply let go and accept everyone's differences, even if it might lead them to be unsafe, poor, unhealthy, or whatever it is.

Yep. Do that.

It's usually more effective to live as an example than to be a lecturing know-it-all.

[jacob]

Yes, that (what subgard said). It is an extremely rare human who is capable of saying "yes, I understand that your logical and reasoned/rational understanding is superior to my own, and therefore I will completely abandon my previous mode of understanding/thinking and substitute yours for mine from now on".

Such behavior is usually only seen by scientists and only when it concerns scientific matters and oftentimes only after years of pondering. Don't count on it! For everything else, people are better taught by reality.---By failing repeatedly, for years on end.

Or as the medical profession puts it: "You can't fix stupid!"

[GandK]

Most people don't want advice and are annoyed or un-receptive to it. When they complain they are not looking for solutions that would require change, but are looking for affirmation, empathy or sympathy, because they don't want to change.

I seldom offer any advice unless someone asks, or I think they might be receptive, or its my job (dad).

+1.

@Zalo

When people are interested in your ideas - and (crucially!) are actually ready to take in new information - they will ask you what you think. It is the seekers who find. Just let your actions explain your beliefs, and any seekers in your vicinity will find you.

Take it from a practicing Christian: people never enjoy receiving sermons that they didn't volunteer for ahead of time.

[jacob]

@GandK - ... Even if it comes from the Pope (see certain politicians ).

[GandK]

@GandK - ... Even if it comes from the Pope (see certain politicians ).

Indeed.

[lost_the_path]

I could be wrong here, I'm not known as the most sensitive person on the planet. But what I've observed is that ideas couched in your own experience rather than what other people Should Do are usually better received, although you may get a reputation as self centered. For example: "gosh, I can't believe that car was so close to me this morning!" "yeah, I totally know. I had that problem all the time til I started riding with the traffic." Be gentle, no one wants to hear that you're the expert and they suck. It also goes without saying that if someone else doesn't mention having a problem, you gotta zip it and assume that from their perspective they don't have one. In that case if you simply can't help yourself, talk about yourself with no mention of their foolishness and hope they get the point. It's all you can do. To thin air, "Phew. Wow, I can't believe how much difference riding with the traffic made!"

[7Wannabe5]

Depending on context and company, the next time you are tempted to offer advice, try simply giving an instruction or speaking a command instead. For instance, "Get away from those cars." rather than "Do you know that you might get hit by a door if you stay too close to those cars?" You actually make it more difficult for other people to follow if you qualify or attempt to soften your instructions in any way.

The number one rule of strong submission is "ONLY follow literal instruction." Most people these-a-days are in bratty independent mode most of the time (me, for sure.) People willing to take the strong lead are fairly rare, and people willing and able to strong submit (as opposed to the weak follow that results if you ignore the ONLY and/or the "literal" in the number one rule) are even rarer. Bratty independents can be annoying, but are generally harmless. If you ever do encounter a true strong submissive, that's when you should get seriously scared.

[lost_the_path]

Get away from those cars! That would basically bring up every resentment toward my parents I ever felt. In a true emergency situation I admit, I'd get away from those cars in a flash. For day to day advice, I'd probably mark you as a self-important contol freak and avoid you like the plague. Gotta know your audience!

[Slevin]

After a LOT of reading and dealing with being a know-it-all (basically through 90% of college, and in the beginning of that I was also rude about it, though I didn't recognize it at the time) I have finally learned not to do this.

The logical reasoning that drives my behavior is the following:

Over the course of my life I have gained a lot of knowledge about certain subjects and this built up knowledge is what drives my decision making and behavior in these subjects. Other people go through the same process. However my experiences and knowledge differ from the people I would give advice to. Thus my advice built on my platform of knowledge and experience will not necessarily be congruent with another persons point of view. So when something seems simple and clear cut to me, it may not be that way to others. And in forcing my views on them, I am also subtly implying that I don't think they are able to make clear and rational choices on this subject.

Thus I now believe giving unwarranted advice to others is often misguided advice and can hurt my relationships with others.

[7Wannabe5]

@lost-the-path

What constitutes a true emergency? If you hire a personal trainer to get you back in shape then you might still think of that person as being a control-freak, but you are now actually paying for that personality trait along with expertise. Anyways, the second rule of strong submission is "Clearly reveal emotions and preferences in the moment." So, if somebody said "Get away from those cars." to you, and you felt resentment then you would say "I feel resentment." and then the other person might say something like "I understand that you feel resentment and perhaps some anxiety associated with riding further towards the center of the road or trusting me, but get away from those cars." Think about it. Your unprocessed feelings of resentment towards your parents have no rational bearing on the risk you are facing in the moment you are bicycling with bad form. Therefore, it would be irresponsible and/or uncaring behavior on the part of the person who was exerting authority to allow them to interfere by saying/conveying something like "Oh, my bad. I certainly don't want to bring out feelings of resentment in anybody. Go ahead and risk closed head trauma on your own dime." Most of the time people will not choose to directly exert authority because they don't want the responsibility. Offering advice can be a sort of a squishy in-between level of displaying expertise while dispelling responsibility. More brain, less muscle, less heart.

[IlliniDave]

...

Whenever I notice an "inefficiency" (difference) in another person's habit

I think this is the crux of your problem: seeing a difference in another person and assuming it is an "inefficiency" or other flaw.

The way to avoid being a know-it-all is to simply realize that you don't know everything, and so don't act like one. Don't force whatever is on your mind on the people around you in the form of preaching, and when a conversation turns to a topic you have a lot of enthusiasm about, simply state you feelings/beliefs without trying to convince everyone who does not share it that they are wrong. It's hard when you have a lot of zeal. Forcing "help" on people that don't want it almost never works. Be a quiet example of what you believe in, and give help to those who ask for it. Often that would be something like having a friend who remarks about how high his heat bill is. Rather than pointing out what you perceive as his lifestyle flaws, just say that you understand, and one of the reasons you keep sharing a small apartment with a roommate (or whatever) rather than getting a larger place to yourself is that the heating bill is much lower in the winter. If your friend wants to explore that, do so with him. If not, let it drop. He may value his privacy and some space more than the cost of keeping the place, which is his prerogative.

[Did]

An important realisation is that not only does nobody like a know-it-all but that you are acting like one. You probably wouldn't even like yourself.

(at least that's my realisation about myself acting like that)

So best to be the change you want to see in the world rather than being a nerdy pain in the ass.

I've found that even if people listen and seem enthused they don't respond to followup emails etc . Best not to talk about it.

[vexed87]

I agree with the sentiments of not preaching to others. When I went through the paradigm shift from the consumer mindset to ERE mindset I instantly wanted to tell all my close friends and family about it, and why wouldn't I? ERE would also give them the option to break away from work. Who wouldn't want to have the option to throw in the towel on the 9-5? The end result was simply irritating others with unsolicited advice, thus making them avoid the topic altogether.

I then started learning more about ecology and sustainability, I started freaking out about food supply and energy shortages, I started making the same mistakes. I was worried that I was starting to get a bit of a reputation amongst friends after SO commented that I was starting to sound like a broken record. I stopped sharing my latest obsessions with every soul. People already know I cycle, they know I save a lot and they know I am making plans to start investing. When I started to keep quiet about this stuff, eventually curiosity got the better of the 'seekers' and now there's a whole new dynamic to discussion amongst friends and family. Mum will talk to me about baking bread and veg growing, brother seeks me out for career advice, sister wants to know about relationships & money. Random cohabitants of my office want to know about commute cycling etc. Those who have nothing interesting to add to conversations keep away and as a result there is a lot less of the "that's impossible, I can't do that, it's too hard" frustration that are standard retorts to unsolicited advice. Instead the discussions go deeper and are more interesting for me as a result.

Basically, unless the topic of 'the best way to do [INSERT SUBJECT]' comes up, I avoid giving advice at all. Looking back, I was receptive to ERE because I sought it out. I didn't know about it, or understand it at the time, but because I was seeking a new way of thinking about money, I was open to the advice. If I wasn't seeking ERE at the time I stumbled across it, it would have made little impact on my behaviour.

[cmonkey]

You might have better luck convincing Melancholia* that running into Earth isn't good for either it or Earth than convincing someone that your views are "better/more logical" than theirs. Lots of momentum that needs diverting.

*good movie, but I recommend skipping part 1.

[jacob]

To rehash some ...

1) It's typically not that people don't know but that they know that ain't so... (Josh Billings). Couple that with Dunning-Kruger.
2) It's also typical that people's epistemology reside on Dreyfus levels 1 and 2 having been acquired by copying the behavior of those whom they admire or respect.

While this is not a very agile to deal with knowledge, it is very stable towards perturbations. Kinda like the Titanic...

[ebast]

Whenever I notice an "inefficiency" (difference) in another person's habit,

I like how you put it in quotes because it's true that inefficiency is relative. We all have different objective functions and so the person riding on the left side of the road may think you're pretty inefficient crossing to the right side and crossing back for what to them appears a paltry risk or may be more culturally accepted where they're from (c.f. every delivery guy in the entire metropolitan area of NYC).

One of my long-time great friends just moved to a giant (1500 sq ft / family member) house and his latest project is figuring out to increase income or sell off assets to afford all the "waterfall features" he wants for the pool he's building in the back (in addition to his recently dramatically increased and possibly unaffordable mortgage). Yes, a substantial portion of this pool is being financed.

As a know-it-all, I know this is not financially wise, but that's about all I know. Know-it-one, call it.

Why's he doing it? 'Keeping up with the Joneses'? Well, that's a little too easy.

I cannot actually tell you why he is making this decision because the more I dig into it, the more I understand it is a complex psychological bolus involving things like signaling that he has 'made it' (maybe given other personal and specific social inadequacies he's fought with), maybe something to do with being left out on certain childhood activities, not to mention a genuine enjoyment of overseeing projects and being in a supervisory boss role, as well as living smack dab in the center of swimming pool culture where they do things like finance your waterfalls.

if this sounds a little hand-wavy or touchy-feely, it's because it's hard for me to identify since I have a very different make-up, and it is also always difficult to elicit these deep-held and potentially embarrassing or revealing beliefs from people. Gak! If you could! You might really get to know somebody, plain.

A lot of good comments here about why it's pragmatically fruitless to try to admonish or even change behavior, and how it's better to speak of personal experience and example, since it certainly seems judgment will get you nowhere. Also the possibility that people are low-Dreyfus mimic machines perhaps without objectives of their own, which is a step but what Dreyfus level is that? because it doesn't tell us or accurately predict why this person over here chose to buzz car doors versus that person who's off chasing waterfalls.

Which can be pretty interesting. Here's another angle: maybe you make a intellectual exploration of it? You really want to know-it all? To elicit, understand, and accurately represent the true reason why someone makes a self-harming or inefficient choice is much, much harder and subtler for me than to systematize and solve for the most efficient action.

I guess in this case, the challenge would be: can you accurately describe in your words, but words they would have to agree with, why somebody's riding on sidewalks or buzzing car doors or hey, even riding a bike at all? Many people enjoy talking about themselves and might appreciate if you tried (just, you know, use the nicer-sounding words.)

[Miss Lonelyhearts]

I once asked a Ph.D. psychologist a similar question to Zalo's. She said that unsolicited advice in most cases will be interpreted as hostile and controlling. As such, I believe one does best to apply an approximate emergency room standard. If you see a known weak swimmer approaching a choppy ocean beach that well-trained lifeguards would look at with dread, you not only should speak up, but have an affirmative duty to do so based on the high probability of immediate harm. But if you see an attorney take out a 30-year mortgage that will consume 64% of her annual pay and likely degrade her overall happiness, the immediate risk is low, the corrective action can be taken at her leisure, and your obligation is very close to nil. Incidentally, in the second situation I find a touchy-feely approach is likelier to work on most people than a logical one, although I realize that isn't a typical ERE strength.

Your biking example is somewhere in the middle but closer to the beach example. I'd try a whatever works approach, since you are likely to prevent some serious harm from occurring. Other suggestions about personalizing the advice could work well and fit into the more emotional framework. My own default in these situations is often to villainize the drivers in order to seem less critical, but I find it still only gets mixed results.

As for money complaints, these definitely tend to fall into the category of wanting to vent frustrations rather than look for solutions. Social situations where people are eager to learn about ERE will begin with the phrase, "Do you know of any ways I can reduce my expenses and increase my savings rate?" Short of that, it's safe to assume people aren't interested.