How to turn down invitations to go out

[bradley]

I recently went to a birthday dinner for a close coworker friend, and it was fun, and everyone was laughing merrily together and having a great time... until the group bill came, and it was $138 per person. I felt my heart sink into my gut, but I kept smiling as I handed my debit card to the waiter.

Now... I should have seen the warning signs:
- $$$ rating on Yelp
- "Family style" dining (a 3-course meal with an unlimited amount of set dishes)
- High-rolling coworkers (my boss was also in attendance after all)

But I ignored them. I swore that this time would be different (It wasn't.)

So after calling to cry and complain to my best friend about how I only ate chips and two tamales that they had to make especially for me, I decided that I just can't do this anymore. It doesn't align with my ERE goals, and I don't even enjoy eating out that much. I'm vegan, and I have yet to eat any dish that I couldn't prepare better myself at home. (Note: That is also why I ate so little at the dinner... no love for the vegan).

How do I turn down friends/coworkers/family without seeming like a stuck-up a-hole?

[Scott 2]

Just don't eat at the meal. Feign dietary restrictions or other obligations pre / post meal if you need to.

Barring that, step up and organize the event, so you can choose someplace affordable.

Totally opting out can cost you more in lost career benefits than a hundred dollar meal. People promote their friends.

[Beaudacious]

There are two approaches I take when in situations like these (special occasion outings):

1) Bite the bullet and go since this is truly a rare occasion. Plan for and include it in Misc. Expenses.
2) Politely decline, but offer separate plans with close person that doesn't involve the price tag.

There is the in-between of attending yet not participating, but that is just the worst for all involved... you become the focus for being different and have to fend off hassling the whole time. So I don't put myself in that situation.

So you've selected Approach 2 and are looking at how to not come off as a spoil-sport. Here is what I say when I receive the invite:

Them: Hey we're all going out to (Expensive Place) for (Special Person)'s (Significant Event) ! You joining?

You: Dang... that's (Date) ? I've already got something going on.

You (to Special Person) : Hey sorry I can't make it out to your (Significant Event) celebration. I want to make it up to you, so would you like to join me for (less expensive activity you normally do) , my treat?

Being money-conscious doesn't mean that you're always available. You don't have to justify your lifestyle/choices to others. And you'll make time for relationships that are important to you. Just put yourself in the driver seat when taking that time for your relationships.

Congratulations, you're no longer the spoil-sport, but the person who shows appreciation for others differently from the herd.

[Sclass]

I had a coworker with chronic acid reflux. That excuse worked well. I'd catch him chowing down on greasy food at TGI Fridays and realized it was a ruse.

I'm dealing with a similar problem now. Mostly it's people who want to take me out to lunch in exchange for various favors. I've told them I have something contagious and scary...I'll withhold details but a Google search can come up with some icky afflictions.

[Dragline]

For birthdays for friends? Honestly, I think its ok just to say you can't make it. Birthdays are childish things. Say family obligations, illness or some other excuse.

But if you still feel obligated, say "sorry I can't make it" and give them a small gift instead -- maybe a bottle of wine. Save yourself over $100 in one shot.

Whatever you do, stop crying and complaining. You chose to go. Own your choices and don't blame other people for them. Your budget is not their job. Live with it and learn from it.

[ebast]

Some good overall approaches here but I thought I'd add a little tactic that has worked for me in the past:

Arrive late -- for dessert (or coffee or drinks) afterward.

This won't always work for you, and folks would get suspicious if you used it everytime (or who knows, maybe they'd just wonder at how important you must be and feel all the more honored when you make time for them) but when it does work , it's like getting away with something. In the best executions, give an excuse (child's violin concert.. husband's violin concert.. doctor's appointment for that highly infectious disease you have, whatever) but you oh so would hate to miss their birthday so you'll do everything you can to get out of that early so you can at least come over at the tail end and catch them for drinks. Or espressos. Or cake. Whatever.

And typically, you win financially too. Never in such a situation have I seen me or another late-arriver stuck with an equal share of the dinner bill. You may have to throw in ten or fifteen bucks, but just as often they'll wave you off since you didn't have food anyway. Isn't that funny? A person comes in late for dessert and we don't bother charging them, but the person who has two tamales and an ice-water and even if they cost exactly the same, the first gets off for nothing and the second is shelling out full price? Silly humans...

But that said, I share your frustrations.. There are coworkers I actually like! I would like to be there for their birthday and it sucks when celebrating a fellow person's presence on this planet and my personal financial freedom goals conflict.

[Chris]

I'm with you on not eating out, but I also agree with Scott 2: totally opting out can have consequences, assuming you like being around those people anyway.

Always ask for a separate check, especially since you have a special situation you can rely on. Arriving late or leaving early is another good reason for needing a separate check.

[Ego]

I thought I had this one covered but have experienced a few situations where I failed recently. Normally I try to do what dragline said above and tell the truth. Something like, "Thanks for asking but that's really not the kind of thing I enjoy doing". Recently we got to know some retired expats who have NOTHING to do all day. They can be quite persistent (or dense) and can be quite sensitive to that kind of a turn-down.

[Tommy]

What you can also do, is to eat before you go to the restaurant, and when you arrive at the restaurant say, "Listen guys, I've just had dinner with the family/in-laws/my uncle Vinny who's only in town for one night/etc, so I'm not going to order anything except some coffee." Socialise as normal. Pay for your coffee and leave.

I'm not sure if this is socially acceptable in the United States, but in South Africa people, even in large groups, generally ask for separate bills - we call it split billing. What exactly stops American people from telling their waiter that they want a separate/split bill? Why should anyone have to subsidize another person's meal?

[lilacorchid]

I'm not sure if this is socially acceptable in the United States, but in South Africa people, even in large groups, generally ask for separate bills - we call it split billing. What exactly stops American people from telling their waiter that they want a separate/split bill? Why should anyone have to subsidize another person's meal?

That is the same where I live too. The cheques are almost always printed with a total for person 1, 2, etc even without asking. If it's a birthday dinner, we all split the cheque for the birthday person. Sometimes we will rotate who pays too. I do not understand the taboo about paying your own way either.

[Scott 2]

Seperate checks comes off poorly in a large group setting with relatively well off people like the OP describes. It's a social mistake. It places implicit judgment on the people you are eating with and often creates a huge hassle at the end of the meal.

IMO sustainable opting out comes in aligning your method with their values. Being late due to a busy life or not eating because you already had to eat with family, or a medical condition that precludes the food - those are things people understand. In the same situation, they would have the same behavior. If you demonstrate different values, say telling coworkers that get paid the same as you that it is too expensive, you challenge their way of life. It makes people uncomfortable and is likely to exclude you from the group over time.

Whether you want to be part of that group, is a another consideration.

This applies for thing other than money. Say you are health conscious and don't eat cake. Better to opt out at a company birthday party by claiming a heavy lunch or taking a small slice and discreetly setting it aside. Don't say I'm on a diet or too fattening or all that sugar... You've just insulted everyone else and diminished their experience. It will exclude you from the group over time.

In the office setting, imo, it is all about fitting in. Be someone people want to be around. Assuming you are capable, that is when the rewards follow. Nobody hands a big raise or promotion to the jerk that made them feel like crap about how they live their lives.

[Sclass]

I just told somebody I didn't like the mountains to get out of being held prisoner at a ski cabin over the weekend. It was a lie but I didn't want to be pitched some investment for two days. The individual was a old coworker who got very interested in reconnecting after somebody said I retired. Yuck.

In terms of being surprised with a big bill at the end of a party, live and learn was good advice. You got stung and now you don't let that happen again. I recall this only happening once to me. It was a shock. My GF at the time kept passing me entres saying eat more while I chatted away the night. Drink more wine honey. I did. The couple I was speaking to said, oh no, we are full, we had tacos before coming.

I went out for some smoke with the smokers and the hostess hunted us down in the courtyard with a bill. $100 each. Awkward looks and credit cards came out. My first thought was how cheesy inviting me and then making me pay. But on the way home my date said, how was the food? We laughed about the couple who ate tacos yet still were forced into paying. My friend knew what was up and she pigged out on oysters and got me drunk on expensive wine.

I stopped socializing with those people. Hint, making your friends pay or organizing a party for a common friend and expecting everyone else to chip in without clear contract going in is for losers. It was a good decision to avoid these cats as time went on. They were as the OP said, those that would hinder ERE. They didn't respect money...neither theirs nor ours.

I also lost connections to those who treated but expected reciprocation. It got expensive reciprocating. They gone homie. Yeppers, it's a little lonely without some of these folks but I'm probably better off without them.

[Dragline]

Seperate checks comes off poorly in a large group setting with relatively well off people like the OP describes. It's a social mistake. It places implicit judgment on the people you are eating with and often creates a huge hassle at the end of the meal.

IMO sustainable opting out comes in aligning your method with their values. Being late due to a busy life or not eating because you already had to eat with family, or a medical condition that precludes the food - those are things people understand. In the same situation, they would have the same behavior. If you demonstrate different values, say telling coworkers that get paid the same as you that it is too expensive, you challenge their way of life. It makes people uncomfortable and is likely to exclude you from the group over time.

Whether you want to be part of that group, is a another consideration.

This applies for thing other than money. Say you are health conscious and don't eat cake. Better to opt out at a company birthday party by claiming a heavy lunch or taking a small slice and discreetly setting it aside. Don't say I'm on a diet or too fattening or all that sugar... You've just insulted everyone else and diminished their experience. It will exclude you from the group over time.

In the office setting, imo, it is all about fitting in. Be someone people want to be around. Assuming you are capable, that is when the rewards follow. Nobody hands a big raise or promotion to the jerk that made them feel like crap about how they live their lives.

I thought this was particularly good advice for getting along in casual social situations, including those with co-workers. Happy and successful is the person who can live by her own rules without feeling the insecure need to broadcast them to people who are not interested.

But going on a diet from too much exposure to such people and situations is also advisable. Makes a good New Year's resolution, too. Instead of trying to get more involved, sometimes its better to choose an activity or bad habit that you will stop doing.

[bradley]

Thanks, all! Very good advice. The key takeaway is to not find myself in the situation again... read the warning signs and plan accordingly. Excuses will definitely work occasionally, and they're sustainable in that these situations don't come up too frequently. I even think a small gift on the side, like Dragline said, would be more appreciated in some situations, or rescheduling for a different, more frugal experience.

Fortunately, I'm pleasant and agreeable enough in the workplace that turning down a few dinners shouldn't be an issue. To go with Scott 2's analogy, I usually avoid the cake-eating event than to go and then make a stink about not liking cake.

Suffice it to say, this family style dinner caught me off guard, especially because my close friends never work that way. We do check splitting down to the cent, and that's our style. You live and you learn.

[jacob]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_iGdiYO7gI ... people also understand opting out if you come out against their values when a direct defense:

"We're going to a restaurant, do you want to come?"
a) No, I'm on a diet (bad answer because it causes cognitive dissonance in the 75% of them who probably ought to be on a diet too)
b) No, I'm trying to save money (bad answer, ditto)
c) No, I don't like meat (bad answer, ditto)
d) No, I hate eating out (good answer, because they don't have to question their own choices)

The birthday defense is similar. When asked what you do for your birthday, say you don't think about BDs at all/try to avoid them/think they're for kids. Then you can very conveniently forget about other people's birthday's as well because you never think about birthdays.

This defense is best if you're trying avoid getting recruited for the "social club/obligations" in the first place.

Note, that generally these things are instigated by ESFJs. A lot of people simply go along with it.

For one time events or "mandatory" events, there are already good suggestions above for indirect defenses (deflections):
1) Leave early because "you need to be somewhere else" (ask for a check to pay for what you've eaten so far)
2) Arrive late giving the same reason
3) Don't arrive at all because you have other obligations. It's best if those obligations are also social, that is, relatable to them. Saying that you need to stay at home to study German verbs won't work. This means carrying a very full social schedule so that you always have optionality. Alternatively, you have to plan alternative events to avoid going to the conscripted ones. You can't consistently avoid the same persons though.
3b) Incidentally having children is the supreme excuse for social obligations.

Personally, I've found that doing activities I hate (large group eating at restaurants, going to bars, parties with loud music ...) in order to fit into some group is simply too costly in the long run because I've never detected any material benefits from these social events anyway(*). In particular, I've noticed that the kind of people who organize these mass events tend to favor quantity over quality and so don't even really care if you, an individual, shows up. They just want a lot of people to show up. In short, I no longer go along with it. There's no doubt in my mind what the response would be if I invited friends/colleagues to pay the $150 entry fee for a 50M mud hike because that's what I'd like to do. Hence, I'm simply being fair.

(*) I used to go such events simply in order to get invited the next time because I thought it was important to keep getting invited and stay in the circuit. Turns out it isn't.

Conversely, your first line says it was a fun event. In that case, you need to start influencing where these events to place proactively. Eating $$$ meals and socializing doesn't have to cost $$$.

[bradley]

Conversely, your first line says it was a fun event. In that case, you need to start influencing where these events to place proactively. Eating $$$ meals and socializing doesn't have to cost $$$.

Ironically, what made it fun was not the drinks or the food or even the restaurant. It was the group of people who hadn't socialized together in a while, unwinding at the end of a stressful week. I think an apartment get-together (potluck, maybe + BYOB) would have had the same effect. Looking ahead, if I want to be a part of it, it makes more sense to either be more involved in the planning or looking for a way out that doesn't trample anyone's feelings.

[Dragline]

It could have been worse. You could have been charged even for not showing up: http://wtop.com/world/2015/01/dad-gets- ... day-party/

Jeez, I hate birthday celebrations that cost money. The two seem totally incongruous outside a consumerist culture.

[EMJ]

Jacob:

having children is the supreme excuse for social obligations.

Once you have kids the social obligations you have to meet are your kids', not your own.
Not always as easy to negotiate.

[fips]

What a coincidence - I had a very similar experience in the last days.

Friends asked me to go out with them:
1) They planned to start early (while there was no planning for our get-together to end earlier accordingly - rather the contrary was true).
2) When I arrived, they had just ordered drinks and asked me if I wanted to join this round. It turned out to be one very expensive longdrink. I wasn't the only one in our merry round who hasn't expected that kind of price tag.

The night dragged on before I realized (again) that some quality sleep is worth more than hopping over to the next pub, exposing myself to more costly drinks and loud music. However, the night gave me enough to think about to write it down (acutally, I have notes for a second text on how to avoid social obligations).

I also usually make plans ahead of time for weekends and evenings in general to avoid akward invitations. If I join friends going out, I sometimes agree and tell them ahead of time that I will join later. I think it's just fair to let the other people who invite you know what your plans are.

As for going to restaurants, I also sometimes have different plans and am a vegetarian, so there is a lot of restaurants that don't offer an agreeable range of dishes.

However, as Scott 2, jacob and Dragline have pointed out, it's important to communicate accordingly, based on your relationship to the people you are invited by, the occasion and frequency. If you cannot avoid getting invited to what you feel are "social obligations", find ways to appreciate the invitation without offending the host/the others coming along. If your friendship is primarily based on meetings that you experience as social obligations, think twice about your relationship to those people. If they are friends/family/coworkers that you like for many reasons, join them occasionally (as they might also enjoy your presence) and be more transparent in your reasoning of why you don't want to come (as they might be more understanding).

[Sclass]

I just wanted to say it's a tricky game when a boss is involved. I guess if they aren't treating you with company funds there is no real obligation to come.

I can trace a turning point in my career when I refused to come to a drinking party at my alcoholic CEOs home. He wanted to bond with me on a Saturday. It was at a you're either with us or against us juncture in the business. I spoke by saying I was busy with something else. (I don't like getting call me a taxi drunk). He was the kind of guy who expected drop everything so you can be with us loyalty. I was sidelined for good after that. I hated the guy so I rationalized it all away but it made things worse for me...while sucking off the corporate teet. But the more milk, the more you get dependent on that kind of culture. Maybe it's better to get kicked down the road of ERE.