I'm not fully to my FI goal yet but (like some others have posted recently) I'm using my (FU) money to walk away from a bad situation in my work/career. Internally of course I'm very proud of my decision and know it's a good one based on hours/days/months of strategic thinking. But I dreaded telling the parents and finally did so tonight. Voices were not raised but the response was hurtful and tough to swallow, as predicted: "I wish I could've pursued other things in my life too, but I had kids to feed." Strangely there was no mention of shiny cars and large houses and lawns. I was mostly cordial and commented that we all have the opportunity to make conscious decisions.
I believe others have said that the family & friends responses and reactions are one of the most difficult things about ERE, and I definitely felt that tonight. It's such a let-down to be so excited about the direction of one's life only to be chastised when the two clashing worldviews collide.
Difficult conversation with a parent
Your parent's comment suggests that they think you are not being responsible. Did you reveal that you had money set aside specifically for this situation?
In any case, you must be very young if you are still so worried about what your parents think. Nearly all parents underestimate their children's abilities because they remember when you were completely helpless. I wouldn't let it get to you. In the end all that matters is that you made the right decision for *you*.
Congrats on having the bravery to make a tough choice.
In any case, you must be very young if you are still so worried about what your parents think. Nearly all parents underestimate their children's abilities because they remember when you were completely helpless. I wouldn't let it get to you. In the end all that matters is that you made the right decision for *you*.
Congrats on having the bravery to make a tough choice.
Two points to consider in your situation you describe are:
(1) Most parents worry terribly about their children and their successes in life. It is only totally natural for parents to seek the best hopes for their children, and unfortunately, the so called "best hopes" can be nothing short of the way the parents "did it". This is a loving, but wrong viewpoint. I must confess guilt myself in this area. A parent would love seeing their child successful, which to them means fully careered, and no immediate future worries. A parent thinks (incorrectly) that a child learned from them while growing up, and is plotting the same course the parent laid out for them: Get an education, get a career job, get a home of your own, get a bank account, get friends that are just like the ones I had, and get married and have me some grandchildren. A parent of my generation thinks that is success for their child. Success is in the eyes of the individual. To you, success would be avoidance of a "bad situation: job as you mention. Success to your parent would be your "having" a job. So please don't be too hard on them as I am willing to bet their interest is in your best future.
(2). Times have changed---drastically. Many parents don't realize this, and are still living in the 1990's. Let's face it many older folk will not pay too much attention to the web when it comes to sites like this one, or going to alternative news sites. These folks are main stream media, straight laced and they "know" from experience just how things should "be done". There is a mystical generation gap in every set of parents/children/grandchildren. Just wait, if your parents don't think your walking their walk, wait until they get the grandkids, and it just gets worse. So don't suffer because your parents aren't buying in. They don't understand, but I bet they really really care a lot about you!!!!
Best Wishes
(1) Most parents worry terribly about their children and their successes in life. It is only totally natural for parents to seek the best hopes for their children, and unfortunately, the so called "best hopes" can be nothing short of the way the parents "did it". This is a loving, but wrong viewpoint. I must confess guilt myself in this area. A parent would love seeing their child successful, which to them means fully careered, and no immediate future worries. A parent thinks (incorrectly) that a child learned from them while growing up, and is plotting the same course the parent laid out for them: Get an education, get a career job, get a home of your own, get a bank account, get friends that are just like the ones I had, and get married and have me some grandchildren. A parent of my generation thinks that is success for their child. Success is in the eyes of the individual. To you, success would be avoidance of a "bad situation: job as you mention. Success to your parent would be your "having" a job. So please don't be too hard on them as I am willing to bet their interest is in your best future.
(2). Times have changed---drastically. Many parents don't realize this, and are still living in the 1990's. Let's face it many older folk will not pay too much attention to the web when it comes to sites like this one, or going to alternative news sites. These folks are main stream media, straight laced and they "know" from experience just how things should "be done". There is a mystical generation gap in every set of parents/children/grandchildren. Just wait, if your parents don't think your walking their walk, wait until they get the grandkids, and it just gets worse. So don't suffer because your parents aren't buying in. They don't understand, but I bet they really really care a lot about you!!!!
Best Wishes
Congrats on getting out of the bad situation.
As for the parents...parents don't only want you to do as well as they may have they want you to do BETTER...bigger house, more expensive car, private schools for the grandkids, etc.
So Mom (in the old Jewish traditional stereotype) can refer to you to her friends as "My Son, The Doctor".
As for the parents...parents don't only want you to do as well as they may have they want you to do BETTER...bigger house, more expensive car, private schools for the grandkids, etc.
So Mom (in the old Jewish traditional stereotype) can refer to you to her friends as "My Son, The Doctor".
Others have already covered much of what your parents are feeling, so no need for me to do anything but say I agree. I'm sure they failed because they care too much.
You should also realize that most of the people on here, maybe even you, took years to develop this mindset. You can't expect them to understand in 15 minutes.
I would compare it to an unexpected pregnancy. The woman can find out and take a few days to weeks to come to terms with it. She then tells the father and expects him to be pumped right that second. It's not exactly realistic or fair, but that's how it happens most of the time.
Give them time, be patient, and explain why often and clearly.
You should also realize that most of the people on here, maybe even you, took years to develop this mindset. You can't expect them to understand in 15 minutes.
I would compare it to an unexpected pregnancy. The woman can find out and take a few days to weeks to come to terms with it. She then tells the father and expects him to be pumped right that second. It's not exactly realistic or fair, but that's how it happens most of the time.
Give them time, be patient, and explain why often and clearly.
As someone who sucks at difficult discussions, here's something that has helped me and that has also been voiced here by others. Distinguish between the intention and the action. From what I read, your parents do the best for you according to their world view. They do the best they can. That is usually what makes it hard to say no to their suggestions, as they mean well. However, this is no excuse to follow what you see as -in the end- bad advice. So acknowledge their suggestion and focus on the good points in it to make sure you understand their points and intentions clearly. Then voice your own points clearly and find common ground in the intentions.
Accept that this will take some time to sink in. You basically call to question the generally accepted view on how to live your life. Give them some time to understand.
Accept that this will take some time to sink in. You basically call to question the generally accepted view on how to live your life. Give them some time to understand.
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lilacorchid
- Posts: 476
- Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2011 3:20 pm
- Location: Canada
Wild - I have no advice because I'm going to be in the same situation as you in a few years. I expect I'm going to hear it from pretty much everyone I know because I'll be leaving a "fabulous government job" that has "loads of benefits" and I'll get to hear how "if I were you, I would never quit!"
I know I'm going to short out a few circuits in a few brains along the way.
I know I'm going to short out a few circuits in a few brains along the way.