Choosing extraversion?

How to pass, fit in, eventually set an example, and ultimately lead the way.
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m741
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Post by m741 »

This is off-topic for the forum. However, it seems like 90% of the people here classify themselves as INTJ/P (I would also classify myself as INTJ). In fact I'm a pretty serious introvert: I usually just stay in on the weekend, only have 1-2 close friends, etc.
I read somewhere that extraverts gain energy from social interaction while introverts expend energy in social interactions, and that's exactly how I feel: usually I'll just be *exhausted* when I spend time with a bunch of friends. And a lot of times when I have a choice to meet up with someone or not, the mere thought of being with people exhausts me.
However I've noticed that on some rare occasions I will feel really energetic after a night out, and that this isn't necessarily connected to how well I knew the people I was with, or if I was drinking. This leads me to believe that intro/extraversion isn't 100% set in stone.
At this point in my life, I really would like to meet new people and just get out more, and I'm wondering: do other people think it's possible to enter an 'extravert mindset'?


ICouldBeTheWalrus
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Post by ICouldBeTheWalrus »

I've learned to be much more social than I naturally am, and I have a job that involves a lot of interaction with my coworkers. However, I still find it very exhausting -- it leaves me with very little room for social interaction outside of work.


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TheWanderingScholar
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Post by TheWanderingScholar »

I agree with bigato, I mean as I do more extraverted things like hanging out with friends, meeting more people I become more extraverted and social. I'm definitely more up and uppity, usually being one of the first to volunteer for charity events. Also I am more than likely the "sarcastic ass whom facial expressions are just hilarious" nichche in which somebody along with usual one liners but does it in a joking manner.
And at the same time I'm the guy who usual prefers to stay in during the weekends, and who you hardly see outside of school and extracurricular activities. I hardly ever hang out with friendsc aswell usual it being at volunteer events. I mean it is possible for someone be introverted and be extraverted at different times.


jacob
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Post by jacob »

I think there are two levels here. The preference and the skill. Extraverted skill, like small talk, going out (and doing more than counting the minutes until "it's over"), selling, working with people, ... can be learned. This should overall make the activity a more enjoyable one.
There is, however, also another factor when it comes to interacting with other people: "Being normal". Most people have an easy time being normal because they _are_ normal, so the likelihood of running into people who are also into anecdotes about the weather, baseball, and red/blue oriented politics is high. Being different creates communications barriers.
It's really quite amazing to talk to other INT*s. If the world was populated by 50% INTs, I would be talking a lot more to people around me instead of writing on the interwebs.


Shandi76
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Post by Shandi76 »

I agree that extraversion can be learned, or rather than your personality can change based on your lifestyle.
I also think people vary from day to day or even hour to hour. Sometimes I am really itching to go out to a party, whereas other times I can't wait to get home and chill out alone. I come out as XNXJ on the Meyers-Briggs (the Xs vary from test to test depending on my mood) so I don't know if I'm odd in that respect.
My partner is a strong INTJ and like m741 he says that social encounters drain him. It's not the same thing as being socially awkward though: he has a great social facade and is very witty and can be the centre of attention if he is prepared to make the effort. People usually find him very entertaining and great company and want him to hang out more, but he just finds it exhausting. I'm not sure if you can learn to gain energy from social interactions if you are strongly introverted.
Totally agree with Jacob's point about being normal. A lot of people just aren't interesting to me because they care about things I don't, like tv soaps and football. I do an okay job of passing for normal when I need to, but that is a lot more effort than hanging out with people who actually share my interests.


BennKar
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Post by BennKar »

I am introverted as anyone, but I too have found I can have an energy boost after an extroverted experience. In my case, between jobs I taught computer seminars. I didn't really enjoy it, but I was good at it and it paid the bills. After the classes, I usually had an energy high for a few hours before it wore off.
Doing those classes certainly helped me be more outgoing in social settings, but can't say I miss it.


teewonk
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Post by teewonk »

Intense concentration, especially on math, suppresses the few social skills I have. I suppose I should avoid it before parties.


aquadump
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Post by aquadump »

The caution I give you is that not all social interactions are equal. I have consistently tested extroverted over the past decade. If I recall correctly, an extrovert can gain energy from interactions with people.
I enjoy conversations and interactions that provide stimulus much more that water cooler talk or shallow discussions. In fact, I might dislike those interactions just as much as an introvert. But, talking about a problem I have or goals I want to accomplish gives me energy. That's not to say that all interactions give me positive stimulus, or even that bonehead interactions don't affect me.


m741
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Post by m741 »

I definitely think the context of social interactions plays some role in it: substantial, flowing conversations about interesting topics are definitely less draining than small talk where you constantly have to think about what to say.
I'm also very outgoing at work, constantly talking to people on other teams about work-related topics and I don't find that particularly draining (except that I do it 11 hours a day).


akratic
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Post by akratic »

I conciously decided to acquire some extroverted skills a few years ago. And by this I mean I pursued that goal with the same extreme intensity that I'm now pursuing ERE.
The two things that helped me the most were traveling and getting better at directing conversations. To my great delight I've had some new friends mistakenly assume I was an extravert.
But regardless of any progress I've made on my social skills, I remain 100% introverted in the MBTI/psych textbook sense of energy gain and loss. To be honest, I can't even handle being surrounded by people in a movie theater or crowded street, let alone a bar. And I don't think I can change this.
But now I'm better at starting from legitimate small talk and then transitioning into topics that are actually interesting to me (and the other people), and that's been very useful.


irononmaiden
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Post by irononmaiden »

It's really helpful to hear everyone's thoughts about this. I'm an introvert who used to be good at acting like an extravert. But when I started working from home all the time, my skillz got rusty.
Jacob's comment about being different is spot on, too. I tried for >5 years to find likeminded friends in my city. It didn't go too well, and I'm happier since I stopped looking.
Here's a question: Do you think it's easiest to make friends in a big city, a small city, or a town?


dragoncar
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Post by dragoncar »

People will likely be most approachable in a town, but the odds of finding compatible INTJs is low. Big city people may be less approachable, but you can easily find other INTJs on the internet.


Chad
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Post by Chad »

I don't think it's possible to choose to be an extrovert or introvert. In my mind this means I don't think introverts can choose to get energy from social interaction on a regular basis. Yes, every now and then we can enjoy social interaction almost as much as a true extrovert and can seem to get energy from it. We can also develop a fairly strong skillset of extrovert abilities (as Jacob mentions). However, I don't think we can continually get energy from extrovert activities. No matter how much of a good time or how often good social interaction happens introverts always need to retreat from it at some point.
"If the world was populated by 50% INTs..." If only this were true. The useless noise would die down a little and we would probably get better governments.


akratic
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Post by akratic »

There are some parts of the world that are close to 50% INT*.
The hard sciences at MIT for example or the engineering teams at big organizations like Google or Microsoft.
You could probably find concentrated INT* by looking up the careers and activities that INT*s tend to end up in, and then searching there. My friend has been imploring me to check out my local "hackerspace" which I'm sure is INTastic.


S
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Post by S »

@akratic I went to the Maker Faire last week and got invited to some after parties at local hackspaces. I was amazed by the high quality of conversation about topics I was actually interested in (programming, crafting, biking, and generally making interesting things). The price tag to join one of these places runs $30-100 per month though depending on the equipment they have.


Maus
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Post by Maus »

The E versus I spectrum (no one is 100% of either) is a very nuanced thing. In general, Es get energized by social contacts and Is get drained. Es get restless and anxious if left in solitude for too long, whilst Is recharge their batteries that way. But some Is who find themselves amidst likeminded thinkers are not as enervated by the social mingling. And some Es like a bit of quiet time to process all the input gathered in the crowd.
I also recall reading a book about personality development many years ago that suggested some Jungian analysts believe the E/I spectrum is cyclical (imagine a sine curve where peak E is the pi/2 position and peak I is the 3*pi/2 position) with a period of about 20 years. My own E tendencies seem to have been attenuated in the past 10-15 years; but I am not entirely convinced that cyclical change is universal.


aquadump
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Post by aquadump »

Maus, very interesting as I feel I can relate to that. Age 10 and 30 seem significantly "I" compared to 20 which was an "E."


Mater
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Post by Mater »

An important take-away here is that even though we are introverted as INTJ's, it benefits us to be able to mingle somewhat extraverted when warranted. I work in a very social setting whereby if your not an extravert, you suffer for it. I've found that putting on the fascade of small talk to "grease the skids" of conversation leads to more meaningful interaction later.
In other words, being able to small talk with people, though draining, leads to trust and builds rapport with co-workers. This has made later interaction "easier" when it comes to work related issues and preventing being labeled that "wierd quiet dude" who never talks. It's a constant struggle no doubt. The interesting thing is when you find another INTJ type, the floodgates will most likely open and you'll be amazed at how much you have to talk about. I recently met another INTJ by complete chance and its amazing how much we have to talk about.


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