How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
Well, I generally believe that it is best practice to take as much personal responsibility as possible, but the evidence and consensus seems to indicate that I am lacking some glaring red flag avoidance mechanism. I mean, how many women have the experience that a couple weeks after their divorce, her ex-Mother-in-Law invites her to lunch and offers empathetic apology for the behavior of her son? My Iranian ex's sister twice tried to broker reunification, and my current BF's best friend/foster father has actually purchased gifts for my BF to give to me, and his great-aunt told me that I shouldn't even be working because taking care of my semi-invalid mother and her irascible nephew was likely all that anyone could handle. Etc.etc.etc. That's why I am currently clocking how much time I am putting into being tolerant.Jason wrote:Ok. I guess you just make bad decisions when it comes to men.
Recent lightbulb moment was when he told me some terrible joke from Alec Baldwin roast, then chuckled, and it suddenly dawned on me "Gawd, that is who you are like."
Yeah, I am about done. The three relationships of longest duration in my life were with men I now refer to as The Drama Prince, The Drama King, and The Drama Duke. All I want to do is garden and read books in peace.
Why punish yourself and be alone. Accept the Red Flag avoidance mechanism, embrace the polyamory and screw the entire Chinese Army in the middle of Tianmen square. I don't see anyone protesting that.
No. I don’t do this personally.
I was shown a bunch of ways by guys I don’t respect all that much. They basically say people cannot take what they cannot see. So they keep their money out of sight.
These guys wanted to have their cake and eat it too. They wanted to wave around their money as marriage bait but didn’t want to lose it. Or worse, they accumulated the wealth during marriage and didn’t want to lose half in the divorce because they were greedy.
The basic idea was to keep the money out of sight and out of mind. Their wives (I witnessed the divorces) didn’t even do a sufficient asset search because they didn’t know what they were looking for. Some of the tricks were as unsophisticated as keeping stocks out of the account in certificated form. Another guy, our family dentist just hoarded a lot of dental gold at his practice. I met his wife and kids years later and they were destitute. Then there was the illegal stuff like keeping a bank account in another country...apparently this is difficult for U.S. citizens now but it was popular among family friends in the 1980s.
Good luck. My strategy is work hard at your marriage.
Edit - I got to think about this overnight and I’d like to add something. I think a lot of people rely on money a little too much to tip the mating game in their favor. If you go into a relationship using dollar bills as your colorful feathers you’re going to attract a specific kind of attention. If you hide your money and play stealth wealth the immediate result will be diminished reproductive potential if you don’t work on other dimensions of your value. But you’ll less likely set an expectation for a monetary payout from your spouse to be.
My sister pointed out that our sister-in-law deserves significant monetary compensation for having to mate with a gross guy like our brother. While I see her as a gal who has financially exploited the guy, my sister astutely observes that “she has to get something for that.”
And incidentally when she married my brother she demanded publicly that he disclose all assets to her or else if she discovered hidden money later it would be instant divorce. My wife found it humorous that my brother would comply with this tactic because it showed where my sister-in-law stood in terms of power. To this day he is very scared of her divorcing him and taking his piggy bank. SIL was kind of a mail order bride arranged through my parents. My wife suggested we throw her back in the water and try again but my folks already had too much invested in their heritage project. It was kind of a money for marriage deal from the getgo so it had these stipulations built in.
I guess what I’m getting at is if your scared of your mate taking you to family court maybe you have to look a little harder at your own behavior. How you attract. What you attract. How you love. What you provide.
When I say people cannot take what they cannot see I may have been silently thinking “how about not taping your financial statements to your forehead while dating”. Yeah, you may have to be a little more creative and charming but you won’t be advertising that you have something to take in case the marriage fails.
For me, I married my wife when I was broke. I didn’t have much personally and my wealthy family didn’t support me nor my choice of a mate. On a related topic, her dad formed a special set of corporations to hold her family money where she had control over them but no clear line of ownership. This was specifically done to discourage me from financially hurting her during a divorce. It doesn’t bother me if I don’t think about it and it is mostly out of my sight so I cannot take or even covet what I don’t see. And given that our fathers know each other I don’t blame her dad for trying to protect his little girl from my clan. So here I’ve had the tables turned on me and I may be speaking from personal experience when I say you cannot take what you cannot see.
My wife stayed with me for a long time before legally marrying me. This had a lot to do with our families not approving of our choice. We came up financially together and the least I can do for her is give her the money we made together during those years of intense struggle outside the protective (albeit controlling) sphere of our fathers.
Maybe I can refer you to my father-in-law to school you in clever ways to separate control and ownership of assets. I am disappointed that my wife’s sister does not have the same arrangement with her husband. Ironically she has an upcoming divorce that will damage her financially. Someday I should sit down with my FIL, get him drunk, and ask him how his convoluted lock box works.