Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

How to explain ERE, arranging family matters
7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Bankai wrote: I heard respect is a good thing to have in a relationship.
Absolutely. I am just noting that if/when it (and/or affection, trust, etc.) goes, in terms of mitigating loss of financial capital, it would be better if your initial choice was for someone who would likely react along the lines of "I spit on you and your money!" vs. "You have hurt me, so I will retaliate by taking your money!" Since I am somebody who is usually extremely easy-going, but I once almost stabbed a man in the hand with a fork when he offered to buy me a car, I was just trying to do you guys a favor by figuring out how to pick somebody with my flavor of break-up insanity vs. the other flavor which is feared on this thread. If you just want to move forward on the basis of finding a partner who will be loyal and devoted no matter what, then you might want to look at getting a Golden Retriever.

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Sclass
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Sclass »

for the OP.

People cannot take what they cannot see.

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fiby41
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by fiby41 »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Wed Sep 18, 2019 5:43 am
If you just want to move forward on the basis of finding a partner who will be loyal and devoted no matter what, then you might want to look at getting a Golden Retriever.
I cannot bring myself about to condone beastiality.

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

Man's best friend with benefits.

suomalainen
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by suomalainen »

LOL. I recently wrote something like “this forum has no common thread. What a weird collection of shit.” I stand by that sentiment.

And, btw, I write that as a compliment*. This is simultaneously both a very small as well as a very large tent. That is an amazing feat. Kudos to @jacob and really to everyone for the forum being what it is.

* this notwithstanding the sometime irritating fault of derailing individual threads in a destructive manner. There have been a couple of great threads in my time fatally derailed from the interesting to the pedestrian.

classical_Liberal
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by classical_Liberal »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Tue Sep 17, 2019 6:19 am
Of course, then you will still have to deal with the fall-out and continuing life expense of your inherent f*cking idiocy, but that's a different problem.
IOW, Stick with the problems I've already solved.

Nuuka
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Nuuka »

Alternatives 1 and 4 are basically the same since people do change over time.

Marriage FIREness will be up to the level of the less FIREd partner. The more FIREd partner just has to adapt (or leave)

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Another very important factor to take into consideration is that within the context of modern marriage where divorce is accepted as a possibility, the personality trait that best determines success (longevity, mutual happiness reported) is the level of Agreeability of the husband. I believe this to be true, since most of the middle-aged divorced, otherwise successful and attractive, men I have dated have exhibited low levels of this trait. So, long run, my rational plan, if I decide to re-marry, would be to wait until I am old enough that there is a decent selection of widowers on the market. I figure it will be Win-Win if the widower's wife was disagreeable, but he put up with it until she died.

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 9:21 am
Another very important factor to take into consideration is that within the context of modern marriage where divorce is accepted as a possibility, the personality trait that best determines success (longevity, mutual happiness reported) is the level of Agreeability of the husband.
I would take it a step down the staircase and name it empathy. If someone asked me what is the most important shared characteristic of a "successful" marriage it would be empathy. You got that, and a marriage can weather life's infinite variety of ass fuckings.

Agreeability of the husband can just turn into a euphemism for the cliched "It doesn't matter that she's wrong, just agree" which although having its merits also possesses limitations.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Jason:

I agree. However, it does leave open the question of compatibility, because it is easier to empathize with some other humans.

Also, I would suggest that there are different flavors or realms of empathy, and different means of expression of empathy that may be found more or less acceptable. Since I am Fe at the developmental level of 6 year old, I find it difficult to express empathy with my words and tend to rely on simple gestures. Smile? Sandwich? Sex? That's pretty much the depth of my repertoire :lol:

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C40
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by C40 »

Sclass wrote:
Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:14 pm
for the OP.

People cannot take what they cannot see.
Are there certain techniques or strategies you feel the most effective or appropriate fo 'hiding' assets?

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

@7W5

Empathy transcends compatibility. If I empathize with someone, for that moment I don't care if we would get along in a situation that does not require empathy. So If two ordinary people decide to marry as they find themselves somewhere on the "I love you too, snugglepuss" spectrum, the characteristic of empathy and the ongoing practice of empathy, I would argue, is the singular trait that would sustain the relationship through its inevitable challenges.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

@Jason:

So, you would be able to empathize with the female version of Suo, if she was snuggly?

Some challenges to empathy I have faced in some of my relationships would be partial inability to feel empathy for my ex's inability to feel excitement at seeing my same old breasts for the 500th time and my "ex"s anger directed at me as near at hand representative of "typical American." I also currently feel little empathy for my BF's jealousy related to finding out that his most beloved ex married a "loser." What I mean by "partial inability" is that I am capable of calmly reflecting "Yes, that is how I might feel if I had your temperament in such a circumstance." , but I don't have any associated caring feelings.

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 12:16 pm
@Jason:

So, you would be able to empathize with the female version of Suo, if she was snuggly?
Well, rumor has it that when they were found together, Eva Braun was spooning Hitler. So I guess the snuggly aspect is at least a possibility.

But the real question is whether I was able to empathize with the female version of Suo if she was not snuggly and the answer is yes. However, that does not necessarily make us compatible let alone to the point that I would ask her to marry me even if she was snuggly. With regard to your personal tribulations, I would in some degree have to associate them with the perils of polyamory. My notion of a monogamous, life long snuggly and what constitutes your definition of snuggly are no doubt quite different.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Jason wrote:With regard to your personal tribulations, I would in some degree have to associate them with the perils of polyamory.
No. All of those examples were from either before I practiced polyamory or my current relationship which has been de facto monogamous for a couple years now. I was conventionally married with children for 19 years (23 legally) and in Islamic contract for several years. IME, polyamory offers wider scope for empathy towards acceptance. IOW, I can accept partner for who he is and what he feels because contract doesn't bind me too tightly. Roughly analogous to how it is easier to empathize with my BF's desire to retaliate against neighbor with loud music if I am free to drive away in my car and not suffer the fallout directly.

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

Ok. I guess you just make bad decisions when it comes to men.

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Jason wrote:Ok. I guess you just make bad decisions when it comes to men.
Well, I generally believe that it is best practice to take as much personal responsibility as possible, but the evidence and consensus seems to indicate that I am lacking some glaring red flag avoidance mechanism. I mean, how many women have the experience that a couple weeks after their divorce, her ex-Mother-in-Law invites her to lunch and offers empathetic apology for the behavior of her son? My Iranian ex's sister twice tried to broker reunification, and my current BF's best friend/foster father has actually purchased gifts for my BF to give to me, and his great-aunt told me that I shouldn't even be working because taking care of my semi-invalid mother and her irascible nephew was likely all that anyone could handle. Etc.etc.etc. That's why I am currently clocking how much time I am putting into being tolerant.

Recent lightbulb moment was when he told me some terrible joke from Alec Baldwin roast, then chuckled, and it suddenly dawned on me "Gawd, that is who you are like."

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

7Wannabe5 wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:04 pm

but the evidence and consensus seems to indicate that I am lacking some glaring red flag avoidance mechanism.
I would imagine most women pack up their smart car after hearing "Islamic" or "contract."

7Wannabe5
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Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by 7Wannabe5 »

Yeah, I am about done. The three relationships of longest duration in my life were with men I now refer to as The Drama Prince, The Drama King, and The Drama Duke. All I want to do is garden and read books in peace.

Jason

Re: Mitigating the risk of losing 50% in divorce

Post by Jason »

Why punish yourself and be alone. Accept the Red Flag avoidance mechanism, embrace the polyamory and screw the entire Chinese Army in the middle of Tianmen square. I don't see anyone protesting that.

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