Ego wrote:Right, but how do things get so bad? How do the plants go unwatered for so long? The people I know who experience this problems have become strangers living in the same home. That happens when each person retreats to their own space as outlined in your Pattern Language quote.
I do think that McMansions full of multiple rooms with multiple screens contribute to the problem. Obviously, a lot of it also has to do with the fact that we have all been progressively more conditioned to feel anxiety when out of our armored masculine-energy shells. Some blame this on feminism, but I think it's partially "follow the money" in terms of which entities benefit if almost all human activities are recorded on W-2 or 1099, and also partially how this relates to end-game marginal labor efficiency gains in our stretched and bloated system. For instance, just because regulations allow 1/13 adult to 2 year old child ratio does not make it right or anything resembling natural or healthy, and meanwhile all the space in the well-appointed homes where these children spend their evening and weekend hours is sitting empty?!? When I worked in such an environment, one of the saddest and sweetest interaction I would frequently witness was when the slightly older 4 or 5 year old siblings would join there age-peer isolated toddler siblings at nap-time and instinctively attempt to provide them with personalized maternal-type care.
Evidence that this is an overall socio-economic problem, and not just related to changing gender roles, is that it applies just as much to farming as child care. The ever-increasing drive towards increased linear production efficiency takes farmers away from meaningful engagement as stewards of their land, and makes them feel more like debt-ridden tools of the agro-industrial-complex.
OTOH, a space problem such as described in the Pattern Language very much applied to my second "marriage." My "husband" did give me an alcove in his home for my personal use, and our greatly differing sleep patterns gave us time to ourselves even though we were both mostly at home, but his drive to maintain functional dominance over most of the use of most of the rest of the house became intolerable to me. I can't live with my current BF in his
apartment for the same reason. Sometimes this is straight-forwardly due to lack of joint ownership/equity, but sometimes it has more to do with personality type. For instance, in my first marriage, although we pooled assets completely, I had the more dominant personality, because my "ex" was seriously inadequately medicated depressive. In process of therapy, I literally sat on my hands and did not mow the lawn myself, because that was supposed to be his "turf"/job until the city finally sent tall weed notice. He would lay in bed all weekend, nursing a beer and watching French movies, while I took the kids to the pumpkin patch, painted the kitchen, and paid the bills. If/when I ventured into his territory to suggest that maybe we might have sex, he would look away or wake up briefly, and either say "Leave me alone." or "Okay, go rent some porn." I was out of there like 5 minutes after the moment I decided the kids were fully matured.